FADE IN:

INT. JAMES FRANCO'S HOUSE

JAMES FRANCO is packing for a HIKING TRIP and generally enjoying the last use of his RIGHT ARM.

DIRECTOR DANNY BOYLE

Crap, hold on guys, I didn't get anyone to score the movie. I guess we can probably just recycle the leftovers from our last job, right A.R.?

COMPOSER A.R. RAHMAN

Sure, I can coast on those two Oscars for a couple more years. Jai ho!

The MUSICAL CUES that weren't good enough for SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE play for the REST OF THE MOVIE.

JAMES FRANCO

I should probably make sure to pack my Swiss army knife. You know, in case I need to cut something. OFF.

JAMES searches for his KNIFE for all of TEN SECONDS before giving up.

JAMES FRANCO

Never mind. As an experienced hiker and outdoorsman, I'll just make sure I pack my camera first and then half-ass my other supplies. There's just time to not answer that ringing phone or tell anyone where I'm going...

He DOESN'T.

JAMES FRANCO

...Aaaaand I think that's everything covered. Oh, and I mustn't forget to not pack my cellphone!

EXT. THE MIDDLE OF GODDAMN NOWHERE

JAMES is cycling through the desert wearing NO HELMET, because he is such a HIGH-ENERGY CAREFREE DAREDEVIL. Or a douche.

JAMES FRANCO

I guess we'll need some dialogue to pad this section that looks like a 90s energy bar commercial. I'll record myself spewing random inanities into this camcorder, because what better way to endear myself to the audience than by acting like an arrogant prick.

JAMES spots KATE MARA and AMBER TAMBLYN, who are both MUCH TOO HOT to be hikers, in order to compensate for being the ONLY NON-IMAGINARY FEMALE CHARACTERS.

JAMES FRANCO

Hi there ladies, you look lost. Why not let me entice you away into a narrow crevasse over that hill?

AMBER TAMBLYN

Of course! We absolutely trust you to lead us to an unspecified location, weird stranger we just met in the wilderness!

KATE MARA

Sure, because that doesn't sound like the beginning of a straight-to-DVD serial killer flick.

JAMES FRANCO

Please. As an experienced hiker and outdoorsman, let me assure you nothing remotely inappropriate is going to happen.

INT. SUSPICIOUS LAGOON, DARK CAVE, MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

JAMES FRANCO

So girls, now that I've lured you into this dark cave and convinced you to strip down to your pants to go swimming, do you mind if I film you frolicking in your soaking underwear?

AMBER TAMBLYN

Ordinarily we'd say no, but nobody who looks like a crazed chipmunk tripping balls could possibly be up to no good.

JAMES stores the video in his WANK BANK for later.

KATE MARA

So James, how about I entice YOU into MY narrow crevasse?

JAMES FRANCO

Thank you, no. I have more interesting and better-smelling places to be than that.

KATE MARA

Like where?

JAMES FRANCO

I can't tell you! NO-ONE MUST KNOW, APPARENTLY!

EXT. STILL ESSENTIALLY THE MIDDLE OF GODDAMN NOWHERE

JAMES loses his footing and falls to the bottom of a CANYON, whereupon he discovers his ARM is completely trapped by a GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM!

JAMES FRANCO

Huh, I wonder if I brought this on myself with my stupidly cocksure and amateurish behaviour. Here's hoping it doesn't completely negate any chance of sympathising with me as a character. That would be pretty disappointing.

A wild "127 HOURS" TITLECARD appears!

JAMES FRANCO

Damned if I'll be stuck for that long. Here's where I use all of my engineering prowess to manufacture a quick solution.

JAMES uses WIGGLE ARM AND SCREAM LIKE A GIRL. It's not very effective.

JAMES FRANCO

So, giant boulder, I suppose this is where we begin waging a compelling battle of wills over the course of the second and third acts of the story?

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

(silence)

JAMES FRANCO

Well hot damn, there's nothing like a miserable, uninteresting antagonist to really help spice up a narrative.

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

What was that you said, Mr. Osborn?

JAMES FRANCO

Quiet, you. Have at thee, with this blunt multi-tool I apparently just pulled out of my ass!

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

Harry, you should WRISTrain yourself. I wouldn't want you to come to any ARM. Hahaha!

JAMES FRANCO

With your wit and charm to liven things up, I'm sure the next few days will just fly by.

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

Yeah, just imagine how dull it would get if I couldn't actually talk.

Seasons change, time passes by, as the weeks become the months become the years...

JAMES FRANCO

Well, I've tried escaping by having a series of boring flashbacks, but it didn't seem to work. And there's nothing in my extensive supply kit of some bungee cord, a tiny flashlight and a Capital One credit card that can help either.

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

At least you brought your camera though. Top priority, that.

JAMES FRANCO

There's a thought, what if I filmed myself talking more rubbish? As an experienced hiker and outdoorsman, that definitely seems like the most effective way to break free.

JAMES films ANOTHER MONOLOGUE of himself talking MONOTONOUS DRIVEL.

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

Jesus, it's like Leno only with funnier material.

Seasons change, time passes by...

JAMES FRANCO

Dude, this is getting pretty lame. Any ideas how we can fill some time?

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

You've already wasted hours filming yourself gurning away like Robin Williams on crack. Why not do some hallucinating? Maybe that way we can shoehorn in a completely superfluous scene for Lizzy Caplan.

JAMES agrees and HALLUCINATES about LIZZY CAPLAN, which many fanboys before him have also done.

LIZZY CAPLAN

Soooo... am I actually supposed to do anything here, or...?

JAMES FRANCO

No need, just sit there and look all moody and alluring.

LIZZY CAPLAN

Fortunately, that's the only thing I know how to do.

JAMES HALLUCINATES some more, this time some QUASI-SYMBOLIC CRAP about his ex-girlfriend CLEMENCE POESY, and also the HOT HIKERS he met earlier.

CLEMENCE POESY

Is it just me, or are all the girls in this guy's life much better looking than they have any right to be?

KATE MARA

It's almost like he had some sort of creative input in how his story is depicted...

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

Harry, with all this daydreaming about unreasonably attractive women, your brain is clearly trying to tell you something. How about a spot of, you know, polishing the web-shooter? Waxing the Goblin Glider? Shooting your web-fluid?

JAMES FRANCO

Great idea! As an experienced hiker and outdoorsman, I can't think of either a good reason to conserve my bodily fluids, or a more productive use of my time.

JAMES pulls up a video capture of KATE MARA's ASS and WHACKS ONE OUT, then HALLUCINATES some more. Later, he is visited by the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE, in the form of his UNBORN SON.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE

Look, there's no real dramatic tension here, people only know this as "the movie about the guy who cut his arm off". Man up and let's get to it.

JAMES FRANCO

Despite having spent the last few days basically doing nothing but imagining stuff, it turns out all I needed to do to escape was to imagine a bit more stuff. Slice n' dice time!

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE

(waving frantically)

Hey guys, you can quit fast-forwarding now, we've reached the good bit!

JAMES begins sawing through his ARM with his blunt MULTI-TOOL. It TAKES AGES and is REALLY FUCKING GORY.

DIRECTOR DANNY BOYLE

Best movie arm amputation ever? That's right, suck on this, 'Robocop'!

JAMES saws some more and finally BREAKS FREE of his PESKY ARM.

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

Wait, you've recorded yourself doing everything else so far, why didn't you tape the only interesting thing you've done in the past five days?

JAMES FRANCO

Are you kidding? What kind of sick freak would want to film a guy cutting off his own arm?

DIRECTOR DANNY BOYLE

Shut up, you're undermining our USP!

JAMES wraps his STUMP in a makeshift sling and grabs his CAMERA.

JAMES FRANCO

I feel like we should get one last photo together, to remember the good times. As an experienced hiker and outdoorsman, that totally seems like the next logical thing to do after JUST CUTTING OFF MY OWN FREAKIN' ARM.

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

Farewell Harry, it's been emotional. No, not emotional, what's that other thing... ass-numbingly tedious. It's been ass-numbingly tedious.

JAMES FRANCO

Oh wait, I'm still stuck miles from civilisation, and about to perish from blood loss and extreme dehydration. Reckon you can whip me up a quick deus ex machina?

GIANT EVIL BOULDER OF DOOM

Your dying wish is my command.

JAMES exits the canyon and is ALMOST IMMEDIATELY RESCUED by a RANDOM FAMILY who just happened to be hiking in the same exact part of ABSOLUTELY BUTT-FUCK NOWHERE.

ARON RALSTON

Hey, you can't call it a dramatic cop-out if it's based on a true story! Great movie, I give it one thumb up. Now can I have my $50,000 personal appearance fee?

END