INT. RUNWAY MAGAZINE HEADQUARTERS

Sloppily dressed ANNE HATHAWAY has an interview at VOGUE--er, RUNWAY MAGAZINE. She talks to the delightfully bitchy EMILY BLUNT.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Hi! I'm a sweet, naive college grad looking for a job. And yes, I don't know anything about Calvun Clyne or Dolchay and Banana, but I believe I can earn this job based on my journalistic merits!

EMILY BLUNT

Ha. Funny. As the fashion obsessed first assistant, I will be first in line to mock you on your horrendous fashion sense, average looks, and that you're a size six. Which, in this world, makes you Gilbert Grape's mother. Are you getting this, dear? You, Anne Hathaway, are FAT.

ANNE HATHAWAY

You do realize how cartoonish you sound, right?

EMILY BLUNT

Yes, and yet, I'm somehow more charming than you. And why are you complaining anyway? This is the job that a million girls want!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Sounds like a nightmare to most people watching this movie, actually. They're mainly here to indulge in glamorous lifestyles and over-the-top, diva villains.

STANLEY TUCCI

Speaking of which, batten down the hatches everyone... SHE'S COMIIIIIINNNGGGG!!!!!!!

The entire staff LOSES THEIR SHIT. They do OUTRAGEOUS things like TAKE OFF THEIR SNEAKERS to PUT THEIR HEELS ON. Then they throw out the GRAPE they were eating because OHMYGOD WHY WERE YOU EATING THAT? YOU'LL NEVER BE A SIZE DOUBLE ZERO NOW!

STANLEY TUCCI

And my ultra-fashion radar tells me that Anne has eaten a bagel in the last three hours within a five mile radius of me! HOW DISGUSTING!!!!

Suddenly, the air goes cold, and the woodland creatures scurry back to their homes. Emerging from her ICE PALACE is The ROYAL CUNT QUEEN herself, MERYL STREEP.

MERYL STREEP

I couldn't get my facial today because my esthetician needed to go to the hospital. You humans and your fragile bodies are a real inconvenience for me.

MERYL interviews ANNE, who didn't bother to research the magazine or the woman she's interviewing with, but hey, she gets the job anyway!

EMILY BLUNT

So, as second assistant you get the coffee orders and answer the phones. You will follow a strict diet of cigarettes and diet coke, and you must cease any and all bodily functions because you are not allowed to leave this desk. If you need to pee, shove a cork in it. If you're bleeding, die I guess.

ANNE HATHAWAY

So like, is there a training process? So I don't make mistakes and embarrass the company?

EMILY BLUNT

Okay here's your training. Meryl's eyeballs have two settings. Medusa and Cyclops from X-Men. If you fuck up, you are either calcified where you stand or completely eviscerated. You pick.

MERYL proceeds to be an UNREASONABLE BITCH, but it's FUN TO WATCH so we give her a pass or whatever. Meanwhile, ANNE continues to BLOW IT.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Give me another chance, Meryl! I know I still dress like I picked my clothes out of the bargain bin at Kmart, but I promise I'll try harder and won't do anything stupid!

MERYL STREEP

Fine. Take notes while we decide between this blue belt and this other blue belt.

ANNE HATHAWAY

HAHAHAHA THOSE BELTS ARE THE SAME FASHION IS BULLSHIT AHAHAHAHA.

MERYL scolds ANNE in an EPIC takedown, then DROPS HER MIC so hard that it crashes through all the FLOORS OF THE BUILDING, through the EARTH'S CRUST and INTO HELL.

STANLEY TUCCI

You cannot possibly be this dumb. Let us all stare and judge you.

ANNE HATHAWAY

I can't believe this. I'm standing next to the demon spawn of Cruella DeVille and Regina George, and somehow I'm still made out to be the bad person!

EXT. NEW YORK

ANNE talks to her boyfriend, ADRIAN GRENIER, and her friends, TRACIE THOMS and RICH SOMMER.

TRACIE THOMS

Anne, you're a bad person! All you care about is stupid work!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Are any of you even remotely happy for me that I have an excellent job that will help advance my career?

RICH SOMMER

Nope! Even though we know exactly who your boss is, and what magazine you work for, we're still gonna give you crap about how you're always working late!

ANNE HATHAWAY

What if I gave you thousands of dollars worth of free swag I received?

TRACIE AND RICH

SQUEEEEEEE!

ADRIAN GRENIER

Hey look, Anne's phone is ringing. Let's toss her phone around so she can't answer it! Even though her BOSS IS CALLING HER!

TRACIE THOMS

This is exactly what friends would do HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

INT. RUNWAY MAGAZINE HEADQUARTERS

MERYL continues to barrage ANNE with OUTLANDISH, IMPOSSIBLE TASKS.

MERYL STREEP

I am disappointed that you couldn't get me a flight out of Florida during a category 3 hurricane. I'm supposed to be a smart business woman but apparently I don't understand how man made airplanes work in wrath-of-God type weather.

ANNE cries to STANLEY.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Oh, Stanley, I couldn't give two shits about this job, but I'm also sick of Meryl hating me! Wait, I know! Why don't you give me a makeover?! That might solve everything!

STANLEY TUCCI

That's ridiculous. Getting new clothes, hair, and makeup won't suddenly make you a better person.

(pause)

BAHAHAHA what am I saying? Of course it does!

INT. RUNWAY MAGAZINE - THE NEXT DAY

ANNE walks into the office with her GLAMOROUS MAKEOVER.

EMILY BLUNT

Gasp! Silky smooth hair! Flawless Sephora makeup! Chanel boots! I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU NOW!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Gee, I'm certain we don't want the audience to buy any of these products!

EMILY BLUNT

You're still fat though.

Now that ANNE is ATTRACTIVE, she excels at her job and wins the respect of MERYL.

ANNE HATHAWAY

It's true! I even got the impossible to find Harry Potter manuscript for her spoiled brat daughters! So now they can find out if Dumbledore sucks Grindlewald's dick... or whatever Rowling was apparently thinking when she wrote those things.

At the same time, EMILY begins to IMMEDIATELY SUCK.

MERYL STREEP

I like you better now, Anne. You can come with me to Paris fashion week, even though that was Emily's dream. But who gives a fuck.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Well, Emily might give a fuck-

MERYL STREEP

No no, that wasn't a question.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Oh, darn. In order to go to Paris, Emily has literally been starving herself so she can fit into a toddler's size four, which is the new double zero. But I'm sure she'll understand.

ANNE calls EMILY to let her know that she's not good enough to go to Paris anymore, resulting in EMILY being HIT BY A CAR.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Gee, I'm really starting to feel like a bad person.

EXT. NEW YORK

ANNE fights with ADRIAN.

ADRIAN GRENIER

Yup, you're still a bad person!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Sigh, what now?

ADRIAN GRENIER

You missed my birthday because of circumstances out of your control!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Did you forget that I turned down meeting big time publishers so I could come home to you? What are we even fighting about anyway?

ADRIAN GRENIER

I'm concerned that you're killing yourself for this job- nope, you seem well rested and mentally clear. I'm worried that you like this stuff now and will dump me for a more glamorous life- nope, as far as we know, nothing about your relationship or career goals have changed. Umm... you like fashion and I hate it?

ANNE HATHAWAY

You certainly didn't mind when I wore clothes that made your dick tingly.

ADRIAN GRENIER

I know one thing, you've definitely become more stupid. Not only did you laugh at the belt thing, you couldn't even see her daughters' OBVIOUS PLOY to FUCK WITH YOU when delivering "The Book." Especially after Emily told you how important this was.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Well fuck you too. And fuck our dickhead friends. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to constantly blame all my problems on anyone but myself!

(pause)

Shit, we all suck.

EXT. PARIS

ANNE accompanies MERYL to Paris fashion week. She meets up with SIMON BAKER.

SIMON BAKER

Hey Anne, I was happy to help you get the Harry Potter manuscript. Let's say you and I go up to my hotel room and talk about journalism... naked. You can trust me. Wink wink.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Sure, you don't seem like you'd turn out to be a relatively mild bad guy!

ANNE reaches PEAK GLAMOUR as she and SIMON have sex in his LUXURY HOTEL SUITE OVERLOOKING PARIS.

SIMON BAKER

By the way, you know that chick who heads Runway France? She's totally replacing Meryl as editor in chief at Runway America. Yup, Meryl has no idea she's being fucked over. More strawberries and champagne my dear?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Oh my God! And you're working for her? I've got to go tell Meryl! To think I stupidly flirted with you in front of my friend at her art show while I was still with Adrian! Au revoir, asshole!

SIMON BAKER

Why do you care about Meryl anyway?

ANNE HATHAWAY

Because I see her as a real human being now! Just this morning she cried about her impending divorce and how it will effect her daughters! She also craves a life where she can eat big macs and wear sweatpants from Target! Shoot, I wasn't supposed to repeat that part. But I'm sure underneath that icy veneer, she's actually a good person!

SIMON BAKER

You haven't learned a Goddamned thing have you?

INT. PARIS - SOME FASHION-Y TYPE EVENT

MERYL stands at a podium and gives a speech.

MERYL STREEP

Hello everyone. I'm here to appoint a new creative director to a rising fashion label. As many of you know, this has been my good friend Stanley's dream job. In fact, he has worked his entire life for this moment. So that is why I'm giving the job to the bitch from Runway France. Fuck you, Stanley.

STANLEY TUCCI

(crushed)

My entire life's work... down the porcelain pee hole. But I will continue to work at Runway with dignity and grace because I'm in the field that I love.

STANLEY probably HANGS HIMSELF while ANNE confronts MERYL.

ANNE HATHAWAY

You bitch! How could you?

MERYL STREEP

By giving Stanley's dream job to the chick from Runway France, I get to keep my job at Runway America. The fact that you thought I could care about another human being is just plain juvenile. Gosh, aren't we lucky that we have this fabulous life?

ANNE HATHAWAY

I am not like you! I would never screw over my best friend like you did with Stanley!

MERYL STREEP

Nonsense, you did the same to Emily.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Um, not really. One, I felt terrible about that, while you are a complete sociopath who hurts people and is not affected at all. Two, you're the head of a magazine and I'm trying to get my foot in the door, and three, you threatened my job and any future job opportunities if I didn't go. Our situations are not similar at all!

MERYL STREEP

You forgot the part where Emily was busted up in hospital and couldn't go anyway. But whatever... Why do you care anyway? Everyone wants to be us! Well, except the fat, ugly, 95% of people that wouldn't actually take this job.

ANNE HATHAWAY

That's it, you've reached peak psychosis. I'm out of here! And I can FINALLY get rid of this bulky-ass Nokia Sidekick, the one thing that dates this movie.

EXT. NEW YORK

ANNE makes up with ADRIAN... or not... everything with them is unclear.

ADRIAN GRENIER

Hey Anne, glad to see you came to your senses and realized you sold your soul to the devil for designer shit, even though I can't actually pinpoint a scene in this movie where you did that.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Come to think of it, you'd think you'd be more considerate of my busy schedule since you're a chef who probably works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.

ADRIAN GRENIER

Eh, guess we'll never know. Oh and I heard Meryl gave you a glowing recommendation and you got a job at another magazine. Even though walking away from your boss the way you did would be career suicide for anyone else!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Yeah. Welp, this romanticized abusive behavior was fun, but now back to the real world. I hope we can learn to praise honest do-gooders to redeem my faith in humanity.

MERYL STREEP

Oh what the hell, let's all give a standing ovation to Roman Polanski.

THAT'S ALL.