EXT. DEVITO BROS. CIRCUS - LATE 1910'S

DANNY DEVITO'S traveling circus includes a number of anomalies such as, a strong man, a mermaid lady, and a script for a live action "Dumbo" remake with very little DUMBO in it.

DANNY DEVITO

Welcome everyone! This is my third time being some kind of ringmaster in a Tim Burton movie! Either he really likes working with me, or he really just thinks I belong in a circus!

EXT. TRAIN STATION

COLIN FARRELL steps off a train to meet his two children, NICO PARKER and FINLEY HOBBINS.

COLIN FARRELL

Hi kids, I'm back from World War I. I may have lost my arm, but luckily I haven't got a smidge of PTSD. Now come here as I try to hug you both with one arm. This certainly isn't symbolism for me trying to love you but can't!

NICO PARKER

Hello father. I'm a scientist. And we all know that science is cold and practical. So I guess that's why I'm delivering all my lines very flat and monotone like?

FINLEY HOBBINS

And I'm a lovable little buffoon! And that's it!

COLIN FARRELL

(yawns)

Okay great, so where's Danny? I can't wait to get back into my old cowboy routine with my wife at the circus!

DANNY DEVITO

Sorry Colin, I sold the horses. And oh yeah, your wife died six months ago. Any life you had here before you left is gone, save for your boring kids. But you can shovel elephant shit if you want.

COLIN FARRELL

Thanks, dick.

INT. ELEPHANT CAR

DANNY shows COLIN his new elephant called MRS. JUMBO.

COLIN FARRELL

Sweet! Let the anthropomorphic animal fun begin!

DANNY DEVITO

No no, these animals don't talk.

COLIN FARRELL

Aww man! That was the charm of the original movie! No poetry reading Stork? No gossipy elephants? No Casey Jr.?

DANNY DEVITO

Who the hell was Casey Jr.?

COLIN FARRELL

The train, remember? He had a song and everything!

DANNY DEVITO

Oh that's right, the train was a character. Welp, don't worry, he's still here, he's just been reduced to a cameo. Just like every other character from the original.

MRS. JUMBO gives birth to a baby CGI elephant named JUMBO JR., but he's a liiiiiiitle different...

DANNY DEVITO

What?! This elephant is deformed! I want my money back!

NICO PARKER

Oh, is it because elephants' eyes are supposed to be on the side of their heads but the animators put his is in front to make him cuter? Even though there's nothing cuter than a BABY ELEPHANT?

DANNY DEVITO

Well yeah that, but also... he has big ears!

FINLEY HOBBINS

Aww, but he's so sweet! What's the big deal?

DANNY DEVITO

The big deal is he's a freak! And I can't have a freak in my show full of freaks!

COLIN FARRELL

Dude, it's a CIRCUS. And you have the only known elephant in the world with abnormally large ears. You could make a fortune off this!

DANNY DEVITO

Yeah I know, but since we shitcanned the proud, judgmental elephants, I have to be the one to come up with shallow reasons for why he's not likable. Just go with it.

INT. JUMBO JR.'S TENT

The kids do some EXPERIMENTS with JUMBO JR.

NICO PARKER

I'll put this cage of mice next to him so he has some friends. And look! I've dressed one of them up to look like Timothy Q. Mouse! You know, for science or something.

FINLEY HOBBINS

I'm getting the feeling that you're going to talk about science throughout this entire film, but it's never actually going to be used to help us in the end.

NICO PARKER

True, but how how else would we find out the elephant flies? Find him hungover in a tree and just guess that he flew? How stupid would that be?

They experiment with a feather, which JUMBO JR. accidentally inhales. He sneezes, flaps his ears, and flies for a few seconds!

The kids run out to tell COLIN.

EXT. OUTSIDE

DANNY DEVITO

Still trying to get close to your kids eh? Don't worry, I'm sure it will happen.

FINLEY HOBBINS

Dad dad dad! Jumbo Jr. can fly! Can you believe something so incredible? Come experience the magic with us!

COLIN FARRELL

Will you kids shut up? I'm trying to think of ways to connect with you and build long lasting bonds. Now fuck off, will ya?

DANNY DEVITO

'Atta boy.

INT. CIRCUS - JUMBO JR.'S DEBUT!

They dress JUMBO JR. like a baby, with a bonnet covering his ears. But he steals a feathered hat from some random BALD WOMAN, and sneezes again! He knocks himself off his carriage, tumbles into the center of the stage, and his bonnet falls off!

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Haha, what a freak! And look! He knocked over the letters of the "Dear Baby Jumbo" sign, and now it reads "Dumbo" AHAHAHAHAHA! Isn't that the funniest thing you've ever seen? Let's all laugh and call him a fake!

COLIN FARELL

Everyone settle down! You're juvenile sense of humor is scaring the elephants! They're also completely offended at the stupid way "Dumbo" got his name!

NICO PARKER

Oh no, now the crowd is throwing peanuts at baby Jumbo!

MRS. JUMBO

AWWW HELL NAW!!!

MRS. JUMBO charges into the ring, riling up the other elephants and causing chaos!

COLIN FARRELL

Easy, Mrs. Jumbo! I know you're upset that your child is being bullied, but this circus has a zero tolerance bullying policy, so any retaliation is just gonna get him suspended!

Realizing that this is SOME BULLSHIT, MRS. JUMBO calms down, as does the crowd.

ABUSIVE DICKHEAD PHIL ZIMMERMAN

Look at how quiet everyone is. Now is the perfect time to run out with a whip and scream, MAD ELEPHANT! EVERYONE PANIC!

He DOES and more chaos ensues. MRS. JUMBO knocks down the main tent pole and rips the whole tent apart.

But at least that IDIOT PHIL DIES so it wasn't for nothing.

EXT. CIRCUS - THE NEXT DAY

MRS. JUMBO comforts her baby while LOCKED UP in the CRAZY CART while the mermaid lady sings "Baby Mine" and YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT THIS SCENE ESPECIALLYYYYYYY THE ORIGINAL ONE WITHOUT TEARING UP EXCUUUUUUSE ME FOR FEELING FEELINGS.

DANNY DEVITO

I'm selling Mrs. Jumbo back to her original owner. But I'm keeping Jumbo Jr. because he was good for a laugh or some bullshit reason.

COLIN FARRELL

Dude, I had everything under control until Phil barged in. It's his fault, not the elephant's fault.

DANNY DEVITO

Shut up, will ya? I know all this, I just need a half assed reason to separate the elephants because the plot requires it, okay? Zip it.

JUMBO JR. cries as his mother is ripped away from him and AHHHH SERIOUSLY I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M CRYING OVER THIS CRAPPY REMAKE.

FINLEY HOBBINS

You know, if we call him Jumbo, it might make him think of his mom. We should start calling him Dumbo instead.

NICO PARKER

So we can remind him of the terrible night he was mocked? Good plan.

FINLEY HOBBINS

Look! Dumbo found another feather. He's flying again!

DUMBO flies!

NICO PARKER

That's it! The feather makes him fly! Oh-ho boy, all we gotta do is build an act! Make ya' a stah... a headlineh! DUMBOOOOO THE GREAT!

(trumpets blare)

EXT. CIRCUS

They come up with the CLOWN FIREMAN act. Everything goes well at first, but then the mechanism breaks and DUMBO gets stuck on the burning platform!

NICO PARKER

Oh no! He can't fly unless he has a feather!

FINLEY HOBBINS

Yes... did we not figure this out in the last scene? I thought you were a scientist.

NICO runs up the latter and almost gets herself KILLED, but she gives DUMBO the feather and he flies around the ring!!

COLIN FARRELL

Wow! My kids were telling the truth! I guess I should listen to them more often! I should also slap every adult that let one of them run up on a burning platform.

EXT. CIRCUS - THE NEXT DAY

Word of the amazing flying elephant reaches WEIRDO WALT DISNEY, as played by MICHAEL KEATON. He brings his girlfriend EVA GREEN.

MICHAEL KEATON

(weird British accent)

Yes, I'm interested in your flying elephant.

(weird Brooklyn accent)

Come with me to my stationary circus in Florida.

(weird French accent)

A land where anything is possible.

DANNY DEVITO

Mike, buddy, what are you doing? Did Burton tell you to act like Johnny Depp or something?

MICHAEL KEATON

(weird russian accent with a bit of Italian and a splash of Jamaican)

It's called an acting choice, people.

EVA GREEN

Regardless, Michael wants me to ride on top of Dumbo to make the act bigger, because apparently, a flying elephant isn't interesting enough.

DANNY DEVITO

So you want to take Dumbo AND my crew to your theme park? Well, even though you have a Cruella De Ville-looking car, and a control room that looks like the Death Star, I trust that your intentions are nothing but good!

MICHAEL KEATON

Great, and check it out! I've even come up with an announcer for Dumbo's act. It goes "You've seen a horse fly, you've seen a dragon fly, and you've even seen a house fly. But you've never seen an elephant fly!"

DANNY DEVITO

(sweating)

Um... this wouldn't have anything to do with a bunch of jive-talking crows, would it?

MICHAEL KEATON

No no, ironically, considering they were a band of birds, that shit don't fly anymore.

INT. BURTONESQUE STEAMPUNK DISNEYDREAMLAND

It's DUMBO'S Dreamland Debut, and the opening act is PINK BUBBLE ELEPHANTS.

FINLEY HOBBINS

Hahaha, it's a giraffe!

COLIN FARRELL

I don't get it. No one is hallucinating here, how do these bubbles dance?

MICHAEL KEATON

It's a movie with a flying pachyderm that also understands English. The bubbles can do whatever the fuck they want.

MICHAEL BUFFER

(actual line)

Let's get ready for Dumboooooo!!

(pause)

LOL I have no idea why I'm here.

DUMBO and EVA take the stage, but he but sneezes again, throwing EVA off his back, dangling her 100 feet in the air!

COLIN FARRELL

WILL SOMEONE GET THAT ELEPHANT SOME GODDAMNED BENADRYL?

DANNY DEVITO

Wait a minute, there are no nets up! Are you so concerned with putting on an exciting show that you'd risk the life of your two main stars?

MICHAEL KEATON

That's right. I am very smart!

EVA nearly falls to her death but is caught by COLIN. Then DUMBO hears the sound of his mother, who is also coincidentally at the park, and flies away from the act to find her.

MICHAEL KEATON

Mrs. Jumbo is obviously a distraction. I've decided to send her away to a farm where she'll definitely be happy, but sorry, you can't visit her. For now she'll stay in the portion of the park called "Nightmare Island," where animals are chained up and made up to look like hideous monsters.

DANNY DEVITO

Okay, this Disney movie's weird anti-Disney message is confusing me. I think Michael is evil!

EVA GREEN

All of us vaguely fleshed out misfits should band together and help out a fellow misfit. Let's devise an elaborate plan to bust Mrs. Jumbo out, reunite her with Dumbo, and set them out into the wild! No animal should be caged up!

COLIN FARRELL

This is... oddly progressive thinking for people in the 1910s. Almost like someone in the 2010s wrote that for us to say.

EVA and DUMBO manage to cut the power to the entire park.

MICHAEL KEATON

This infuriates me! Don't these people know that even though you've had malicious tendencies in the past, all it takes is one bad day and BOOM you're completely berzerko nuts? It's very on trend right now.

Against all common sense, Michael haphazardly throws every switch and lever in front of him, and causes a fire that burns down his entire park within MINUTES.

COLIN FARRELL

(stuck in a burning tent)

Oh no kids, we're trapped! But look, Dumbo found us and is going to save us using his trunk full of water!

FINLEY HOBBINS

That's great for us! Not so great for the people stuck on all those rides when the power was cut off.

NICO PARKER

Oh no! Dumbo's feather got burnt up. It's okay Dumbo, it wasn't the feather that made you fly!

FINLEY HOBBINS

Yeah, tell him he had it in him this whole time, because he's special and magical!

NICO PARKER

Forget that crap, it was people whispering to themselves, "fly Dumbo" or "Fly little one" every time he needed to fly. That's clearly where his true power lies!

DUMBO leads everyone to safety. Our heroes get him and his mom onto a ship that just so happens to be leaving for Africa that night and has space for two ELEPHANTS.

All the while, MICHAEL watches as his park burns down.

FINLEY HOBBINS

OKAY, BUT REALLY, DID THOSE PEOPLE EVER GET OFF THE RIDES?

EXT. DEVITO'S FAMILY CIRCUS

DANNY shows us his new re-vamped circus.

DANNY DEVITO

Welcome everyone! We've rebranded ourselves as the DeVito FAMILY circus, because it wouldn't be a Burton movie without the theme of "freaks and misfits need love too." And yes, Dumbo and his mom are living happily ever after in the wild, where we have no idea where they are or whether or not they've been killed by poachers.

EVA GREEN

We've also freed all of the other animals, because no animal should be kept in captivity! Except for the fish in the Mermaid lady's tank, because fuck fish.

COLIN FARRELL

You know, it was nice giving Dumbo and his mom a PETA ending and all, but I still think a John Wick ending would've been better. But instead of killing, Dumbo could just fly over all the people that made fun of him and piss and shit all over them.

NICO PARKER

Welp, another remake, another dollar. Any regrets?

FINLEY HOBBINS

Nope, it's business over heart, as usual. Disney doesn't give a flying elephant fuck.

END