FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL ROOM

MEL GIBSON'S HAND (V.O.)

'Ello, Gov! Cheerio and pip-pip! No, it's not Austin Powers' dad; it's The Beaver! This movie is about Mel Gibson, a man who's rich, successful, and has a beautiful house and family, but he goes mad and screws up his life anyway. Any similarity to events in real life is purely coincidental. Also, for some reason, Mel becomes severely depressed and suicidal-but don't expect the movie to explain why.

MEL GIBSON tries to commit suicide by hanging himself in a hotel bathtub, but he's too heavy and snaps the shower rod. This is... funny? He later finds a discarded beaver puppet, places it on his hand, and begins talking to himself in a Cockney accent. This is... tragic?

INT. MEL GIBSON'S HOME

MEL introduces his beaver puppet to his sons RILEY THOMAS STEWART and ANTON YELCHIN and his wife JODIE FOSTER.

RILEY THOMAS STEWART

Awesome! My dad's a total space case! Hey ma, can I get a puppet of a badger on my hand?

ANTON YELCHIN

This is truly, heartbreakingly dramatic. I must scowl and pity myself in a corner some more.

JODIE FOSTER

(pursing her lips)

I'm back in the director's chair, boys! Time for me to make up for "Little Man Tate."

MEL GIBSON

Um, the star of your movie is me, Mel Gibson. And I'm playing a crazy person. Who talks with his beaver hand puppet.

JODIE FOSTER

Hmm....

JODIE calls her agent.

JODIE FOSTER

(pursing her lips)

Is it too late to start work on "Little Man Tate 2: Tatin' It to the Streets"?

INT. MEL GIBSON'S COMPANY

MEL gathers the staff of his entire company together for a mandatory meeting and introduces them to his Beaver.

MEL GIBSON'S HAND

I'm in charge now, mates. I know it's going to be difficult to adjust to the fact that your boss is now a talking hand puppet, but-

COMPANY EMPLOYEES

Actually, we're surprisingly and, some would say, unrealistically empathetic to your ridiculous situation and take no issue with it whatsoever, as well as any other person you interact with outside your home.

MEL GIBSON'S HAND

Sure, you say that now to protect your jobs, luv, but I'm certain later in the movie-

COMPANY EMPLOYEES

Nope, it's cool. We literally have no problem with the fact that you're now clearly an unhinged, raving lunatic.

MEL GIBSON

Why couldn't the real public forgive this easily?

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

Meanwhile, ANTON goes to school looking forlorn and mopey, a YELCHIN TRADEMARK.

ANTON YELCHIN

I am an odd, overly sensitive high schooler selling my writing services to other students while pining for the popular but misunderstood class hottie. This is in no way like Wes Bentley, the odd, overly sensitive high schooler selling his pot to other students while pining for the popular but misunderstood class hottie in "American Beauty".

AUDIENCE

Please don't remind us of a great movie in the middle of a terrible one.

ANTON YELCHIN

I make more money than selling pot.

AUDIENCE

This. Doesn't. Help.

ANTON runs into said hottie JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hey, Anton! I need you to write my valedictorian speech because I'm totally having trouble writing.

ANTON YELCHIN

How honorable. And you're the valedictorian of our class? Jesus, who's the salutatorian, Bernie Madoff??

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Also, I don't really know myself, so I naturally need a complete stranger to bare my soul to our class on graduation day.

ANTON YELCHIN

Too bad those "Mystique" mutant powers from "First Class" didn't transfer to this movie. You could've disguised yourself as someone who could act.

ANTON goes home and bangs his head repeatedly into his bedroom wall in order to knock himself unconscious and take him out of the movie. He FAILS. So he does it some more, over and over again.

ANTON YELCHIN

(to self)

"Fright Night" is around the corner... "Fright Night" is around the corner...

INT. MEL GIBSON'S HOME

MEL and JODIE argue some more.

JODIE FOSTER

(pursing her lips)

Mel, you're sick!

MEL GIBSON

I know this puppet looks ridiculous but-

JODIE FOSTER

(pursing her lips)

Puppet? No, I've heard those audio recordings between you and your ex. You've really fucked the marketing of my movie!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

Hanging out with ANTON, JENNIFER stares thoughtfully into space.

ANTON YELCHIN

Are you thinking of what to say for your valedictorian speech?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

No, I'm just flabbergasted that our subplot is infinitely more involving than the rest of this movie, despite it being about an insane man played by Mel Gibson who only speaks through his beaver hand puppet.

ANTON YELCHIN

In order to write your speech, you need to tell me something about yourself that no one else knows.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Okay, when I was in Eighth Grade, I was arrested for spraypainting graffiti.

ANTON YELCHIN

Well, wouldn't your parents know that? And the town's police department? Come to think of it, wouldn't those Eighth Graders who are now graduating with us remember that, too?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

It doesn't matter. This little background info is the only depth my character is allowed to have.

ANTON YELCHIN

Works for me! Let's do some spraypainting!

INT. MEL GIBSON'S COMPANY

MEL-or MEL'S BEAVER (who really cares at this point?)-comes up with the idea to market a wooden toy toolbox with a picture of a beaver on it, and he presents it to his company.

MEL GIBSON'S HAND

I call my amazing new toy... waaaaait for it... The Beaver!

COMPANY EMPLOYEES

Brilliant!

The toy inexplicably becomes an instant bestseller, and MEL goes on a media rampage, that is, tour for interviews.

INT. FAKE "TODAY" AND "DAILY SHOW" TELECASTS

Interviewing MEL, an embarrassed MATT LAUER and JON STEWART try to hide themselves during their cameos.

MATT LAUER

(to himself)

And I thought my interview with Tom Cruise was awkward.

JON STEWART

Thanks, Mel! This movie has officially surpassed "Death to Smoochy" as my all-time career low!

Later, MEL'S toy flops, because the plot required it to do so.

EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING

ANTON and JENNIFER meet at the side of an abandoned building with a fuckton of spaypaints in their hands.

ANTON YELCHIN

(handing her one can)

Alright, let's do this!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(flirting)

No, you should start tagging...for the both of us. Whatever your heart desires...

ANTON YELCHIN

Cool, why don't I painfully remind you of your brother's death by painting this "R.I.P." sign?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Wow. You don't get laid much, do you?

INT. MEL GIBSON'S HOME

JODIE approaches MEL in a tight nightgown.

JODIE FOSTER

(sexually frustrated, while pursing her lips)

Mel, you have your hand up entirely the wrong beaver.

MEL GIBSON

Talk to the hand! By which I mean, the Beaver that is on my hand.

JODIE grabs and kisses MEL, and there's a series of awkward sex scenes involving the Beaver hand puppet, including a shower scene. No, this isn't a joke. It ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

MEL GIBSON

Hey, I'm just trying to help this movie earn its porn title.

EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING

JENNIFER shows ANTON the fancy collage she painted on the side of the abandoned building.

ANTON YELCHIN

This is really semi-impressive. But how am I supposed to be inspired to write your speech with this?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Just take it with you.

ANTON YELCHIN

Cool beans.

ANTON magically peels off the graffiti from the building's bricks and takes it home with him, because, you know, what the hell?

INT. HOITY-TOITY RESTAURANT

MEL and JODIE are celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary together at a fancy-shmancy restaurant, and she gives him a box full of old photographs in order to remind him of the way things used to be.

JODIE FOSTER

(pursing her lips)

It's called a "memory box". Surely, this will be the movie's big, revelatory moment that finally explains why you became depressed in the first-

MEL GIBSON

No! Get it away from me!

He runs off.

JODIE FOSTER

(pursing her lips)

Shit.

INT. MEL GIBSON'S HOME

MEL goes into his garage, fights with his beaver puppet, and eventually CHOPS OFF HIS FUCKING HAND. Spoiler Alert! He's then immediately rushed to the hospital while the soundtrack shamelessly uses Radiohead's "Exit Music (for a Film)" from their masterpiece "OK Computer", because this movie is not content to just ruin the careers of a few actors. Also, despite the song's title, and to the chagrin of the audience members, this is not the actual end of the movie.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GROUNDS

JENNIFER finally delivers her built-up, POIGNANT SPEECH.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Everyone has lied to you. Everything is not going to be okay. My brother's dead, and I'll never see him again. Life sucks. Soooo...congratulations, graduates!

GRADUATES IN ATTENDANCE

What...the...fuck.

INT. HOSPITAL

Losing his mind completely, MEL channels MAD MAX, MARTIN RIGGS, BRAVEHEART, and every other character he's ever played and becomes disturbingly violent against JODIE.

MEL GIBSON

(with new, amazingly lifelike prosthetic limb, sold separately)

You fuckin' slut! You're probably a damn, dirty Jew and no-good, muff-divin' lesbo, too!

JODIE FOSTER

(pursing her lips)

Yet somehow, I will be your sole public defender in real life. Hey, I've got a movie to promote!

MEL GIBSON

No, you don't.

The movie sits on the shelf for a year, and nobody gives a shit when it opens.

END