FADE IN:

EXT. AFGHANISTAN

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. illustrates the usage of his new weapon to various military personnel.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

I'd like to thank you all for coming to see my new weapon. As you can see, it's a giant missile that launches smaller missiles in the air, and each small missile drops copies of In Dreams and Gothika. It's a truly devastating power.

TERRENCE HOWARD

It's a good thing you came all the way out to the Middle East to show this weapon, rather than one of the many weapons testing grounds in the United States.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Wait.. we're in the Middle East? In a Hollywood movie? Then that means... OH SHI--

SUDDENLY, a bunch of extraordinarily well-armed TERRORISTS blow all kinds of shit up and kidnap ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

GENERIC TERRORIST

I need you to build me a missile. Tell me what supplies you need and we will get them, then leave you alone to build whatever you want. Please don't build anything to use against us.

He DOES. Robert builds a 60'S ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME and then beats up some terrorists using it. Eventually he gets back to AMERICA, which instantly makes everything BETTER.

JEFF BRIDGES

Robert! Welcome back. As your partner and obvious eventual bad guy, I was extremely worried about you. Tell me what you used to escape and if we can sell it.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Later. First, I need a delicious, juicy, American hamburger! Failing that, one of Burger King's tasteless, squashed heaps of grade D meat and soggy bread will do fine.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Hi Robert. I'm so glad you're back to carry the movie. I haven't been in a decent film in about 10 years and this one is my only hope.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Look at who you're talking to. Anyway, let's go to my press conference. If there's one thing comic book fans love to see on film, it's a good press conference.

INT. DOWNEY INDUSTRIES

REPORTER 1

Robert, is it true that your overdone portrayal of Tony Stark serves to do little more than make the parts of the movie with the titular hero boring by comparison?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Absolutely not, I keep Spiderman's trademark wisecracking even while in the suit, allowing my incessantly sarcastic character to annoy audiences for the entire duration of the film. Next question.

REPORTER 2

Some people claim that Iron Man is just a shitty Marvel knockoff of DC's iconic Batman. What do you have to say to them?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

That's ludicrous. I actually AM the obnoxious douchebag character that Bruce Wayne pretends to be to throw people off. Totally different.

(pause)

Anyway, the point of this press conference is to say that my company will no longer make weapons. Starting immediately, all Downey Industry weapons will shoot out cute little flags that say "bang."

INT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR'S MANSION

ROBERT begins working on a new ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Robert, your stock is plummeting and your board of directors wants you out.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Superheroes, press conferences, and now all of the excitement of corporate takeovers and stock market fluctuations? This movie has everything!

GWYNETH PALTROW

Everything except a villain.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Oh, who would you prefer I face off against? The Chinese guy with the ten magical rings?

GWYNETH PALTROW

Well no, but so far your biggest villain has been the host of Mad Money. Does Iron Man really suck this much?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

What about myself? As a Marvel character, I have flaws, so perhaps my real villain is my crippling alcoholism.

GWYNETH PALTROW

You mean the crippling alcoholism that in no way stopped you from becoming a genius billionaire inventor and so far has manifested itself in a single scene where you hold a drink without actually drinking it?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

That's the one. Now get out of my way, I have to go to Afghanistan and fly around a bit to make it seem like this movie has an action sequence.

He DOES. Eventually he saves some villagers from the GENERIC TERRORISTS that captured him earlier, then flies away.

Meanwhile, JEFF BRIDGES uses the pieces of ROBERT'S OLD 60'S ROBOT COSTUME to build an EXTRA HUGE 60'S ROBOT COSTUME of his own.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Robert, I'm pretty sure that Jeff Bridges is trying to kill you. He said something about you pissing on his rug.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

I see no option other than allowing this movie to degrade into a clichéd comic book confrontation between two super powerful monsters battling through the city.

ROBERT flies to DOWNY INDUSTRIES to confront JEFF BRIDGES.

JEFF BRIDGES

I am all-powerful now, Robert! Nobody can stop me! Not even the guy who invented the weapon I'm using!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Gwyneth! Flip the 'Kill Jeff Bridges' switch!

GWYNETH PALTROW

I can't! Despite being strong, smart, and capable for the duration of the film, I've suddenly transformed into a scared little damsel in distress, incapable of even the slightest gesture that could help you!

ROBERT flies into the air, and JEFF BRIDGES chases him. Suddenly, they fly too high and JEFF freezes, then plummets to the ground, probably landing on a house and killing the family inside.

JEFF BRIDGES

Did you just kill me with science? What is this shit, the Fantastic Four?

(dies)

GWYNETH PALTROW

You did it, Robert! The world has been saved from the dangerous weapon that you built in the first place!

TERRENCE HOWARD

And I'm still in the movie, everyone!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Let's celebrate with a drink! Just kidding of course, alcoholism is a totally manageable disease.

END

ROBERT enters his mansion only to discover SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Hello Robert. I'm the director of SHIELD, I want to talk to you about the Avengers project. It's a superhero team consisting of Captain America, Thor, you, and a bunch of people that nobody gives a flying fuck about at all. And sometimes Spider-man.

END FOR REALS