FADE IN:

INT. N.E.R.D. (NONSENSICAL EXPLOITATIVE RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT) HEADQUARTERS

ADRIEN BRODY and SARAH POLLEY show off their GIANT PENIS BRAIN LOVE SLUGS to their boss WILLIAM BARLOW.

ADRIEN BRODY

By splicing the DNA of various creatures we come up with new DNA that creates Fred and Ginger here. See how in love they are, isn't it darling? Now we will stick them with needles to harvest their sweet, sweet liquids.

WILLIAM BARLOW

Why do they look like gigantic cocks?

SARAH POLLEY

Oh we threw some of Glenn Beck's DNA in there. Kidding! Actually we'd love to use human DNA in the mix.

WILLIAM BARLOW

No. These dickerpillers are more than enough to convince the Board. Do NOT, Sarah, use "Jane Doe" DNA, Sarah, to create a cute seal-person-chicken-hybrid.

SHE DOES!

INT. SCIENCE LAB

SARAH and ADRIEN are poking at freaky-ass looking ABIGAIL CHU.

SARAH POLLEY

Awwwww, Adwien!!! Wook at her widdle face! And her big eyes! And bald head! And her ikkle tail with a huge DEATHSPIKE! I WUV her so much!!

ADRIEN BRODY

I hate it. Let's kill it.

SARAH POLLEY

Adrien! How could you! You're a monster and I hate you! Don't listen to him, little Chu. You're my special girl.

ADRIEN BRODY

Way to be objective and scientific there, Sarah.

ABIGAIL CHU

*huuuuuunngggggghhh*

SARAH POLLEY

Chu! She can't breathe! Adrien, do something!

ADRIEN BRODY

Oh, I'll do something alright!

ADRIEN shoves ABIGAIL in a huge sink and holds her under the water as she thrashes and fights.

SARAH POLLEY

Stop it! You bastard! You asshole! You filthy rancid fucking pus smeared son of a gaping bloody--

(pause)

Hey! She's ok! She has developed gills to breath underwater. Which, as she becomes fully amphibious straight after this scene, doesn't really explain why she was choking. Nonetheless, you saved her, Adrien!

ADRIEN BRODY

Yeeeeeah. Saved her. That was exactly what I meant to do. Not drown her at all, nosiree.

(Adrien's nose swells yet further)

Ow! Not again!

SARAH POLLEY

Ohhhhh. That totally explains it.

SARAH and ADRIEN fight and bitch at each other all through ABIGAIL's hyper-rapid development. The one time she sees genuine affection is when she WATCHES THEM FUCKING in full knowledge of ADRIEN BRODY.

ADRIEN BRODY

Don't judge me. I used to see my folks bone all the time and it never did me any harm. I'm sure everything will be fine. Ow! My nose!

INT. SCIENCE CONFERENCE

ADRIEN BRODY and BRANDON McGIBBON are about to give a presentation to the N.E.R.D. board.

BRANDON MCGIBBON

Hello, Adrien. I was clearly not picked because of my acting ability but more because I have an uncanny resemblance to you.

ADRIEN BRODY

Really? I don't see it. Anyway, thanks for holding the fort. You're awesome, little brother.

Suddenly GINGER turns into a BOY WANGMONSTER. Both creatures sprout DEATHSPIKES and rip the holy fuck out of each other spraying THE N.E.R.D. BOARD with gore.

ADRIEN BRODY

MORE deathspikes? Perhaps I should stop using stonefish DNA as an accelerant...

BRANDON MCGIBBON

Oh no! Somehow we managed to miss an entire chromosomal change despite the fact that we're supposed to be monitoring their DNA at the minutest level.

ADRIEN BRODY

You're a useless asshole, little brother.

BRANDON MCGIBBON

I'm not! I'm totally valid. Ow, not my nose again!

ADRIEN BRODY

Ohhhhh. There it is. Anyway now all our fortunes rest on our increasingly sexy genefreak. Did I say increasingly sexy? I meant, uh, increasingly evolvy.

BRANDON MCGIBBON

You know that individual creatures can't evolve, right? Only species can do that.

ADRIEN BRODY

Just for that you get no more screentime.

INT. SCIENCE LAB

Cutey freaky-ass looking ABIGAIL CHU has grown up into sexy-cute freaky-ass looking DELPHINE CHANEAC.

ADRIEN BRODY

It's amazing the way she's evolving, YES I SAID IT, in response to external factors.

SARAH POLLEY

Just don't shove an energy ball down her throat.

DELPHINE demonstrates high level intelligence and uses Scrabble tiles to spell out that she's bored out of her fucking mind.

SARAH POLLEY

Hey, she can read and write. We could get her a speak-and-spell like E.T. had.

ADRIEN BRODY

No! She's so much sexier when she's silent.

SARAH POLLEY

You're one creepy motherfucker, Adrien.

ADRIEN BRODY

But perhaps we should give her some decent stimuli. Perhaps a computer, TV or radio. Hell, even a book.

SARAH POLLEY

I have a far more scientific and humane idea. Let's take her to my dead crazy mother's house in the woods and keep her in the barn like an animal!

INT. BARN

SARAH keeps dressing and treating DELPHINE like her child whilst at the same time giving her no real intellectual stimulation whatsoever.

SARAH POLLEY

Look at the dolly, Delphine. This was Mommy's dolly, isn't it pretty? It has lovely hair, loooooooovey hair like Mommy's!

DELPHINE strokes the doll's hair before looking in the mirror to see her own bald head. Sadness wells up in her eyes.

SARAH POLLEY

Yes, yes! Mommy is the prettiest! Mommy will ALWAYS be the prettiest! Ahahahahahahah!

EXT. WOODS

SARAH and ADRIEN are tramping through the woods.

SARAH POLLEY

Delphine! Delphine! I can't believe you left the door open, Adrien. You know I like taunting her with knowledge of a life and world she will never see.

ADRIEN BRODY

Look, I'm starting to think she's more than an experiment. A whole hot more, uh, I mean a whole LOT more.

SARAH POLLEY

There she is! My God, she's eating some animal she's killed! Why is she doing that? BAD DELPHINE! VERY BAD!!

ADRIEN BRODY

The killer tail didn't tip you off? And you're coming off a bit PETA for someone who grows genetic monsters for a living...

INT. BARN

ADRIEN BRODY

Don't worry about Sarah's unsettling moodswings, Delphine. Hell, I tried to kill you once and now...

ADRIEN BRODY put on the ONE RECORD they have, because heaven forbid DELPHINE be able to have access to a multitude of musical experiences lest she become a famous DJ. Or, y'know, happy.

ADRIEN BRODY

Let's dance! What an innocent expression of my growing fondness. Dance closer, put your paw just there that's... Ah! Boner! Boner, boner, boner! Get off me, you seductress! Bad Delphine! BAD!!!

Eventually DELPHINE gets so sick of their shit that she LITERALLY GROWS WINGS IN AN ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE only to be emotionally blackmailed into staying by SARAH and ADRIEN.

INT. BARN

SARAH is rooting through DELPHINE's stuff.

SARAH POLLEY

Stop trying to leave Mommy, Delphine. You love Mommy. You...

(comes upon some drawings)

What's this? Its... it's a giant nose with some other tiny features... its, its Daddy! So is this one. And this one. Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy!! WHERE'S MOMMY, DELPHINE??!! WHERE'S MOOOOOOOOMMY??!!

SARAH goes UNREASONABLY FUCKING CRAZY, strips DELPHINE naked, ties her to a bench and HACKS HER TAIL OFF to use in her genetic games before running back to N.E.R.D. with her research.

INT. BARN

ADRIEN BRODY

Hey guys, what's... whoa! Delphine! Tied up, bleeding, naked, mute. That's so fucking hot.

ADRIEN and DELPHINE start having SEX. DELPHINE grows her tail and DEATHSPIKE back and strokes ADRIEN's back with it.

ADRIEN BRODY

Yes. Watching your parents fuck has NO EFFECT on ANYONE ever, right, experiment-slash-pet-slash-daughter? And if you're uncomfortably turned now on you should have seen the original porn version of this script. Lets just say it wasn't a spike on the end...

SARAH walks in.

SARAH POLLEY

Oh my God!

ADRIEN BRODY

Sarah! This is all your fault! I know "Jane Doe" is you! I only fucked Delphine because she looks like you. Like a hotter, animal-daughter version of you. Incest AND bestiality? You basically forced me.

SARAH POLLEY

SERIOUSLY? This is seriously the tack you're going with after being caught fucking my mutant daughter? Stay classy, Brody.

DELPHINE CHANEAC

*Gaaaak*

SARAH POLLEY

Oh no! Delphine! She's dead!

ADRIEN BRODY

Huh. Let's bury her, you go shave your head and wear this kite so we can go have make up sex.

EXT. FARMHOUSE

ADRIEN and SARAH walk back from burying DELPHINE. WILLIAM BARLOW and BRANDON MCGIBBON arrive.

WILLIAM BARLOW

Sarah! Adrien! Your new research clearly comes from a sexy humanomorph. Give her up.

ADRIEN BRODY

Tough tits, Barlow. She's dead. We totally checked properly too because we're awesome scientists and know the difference between death and a coma.

SARAH POLLEY

Even if she comes back to life she'll be really angry. And she's far too adorable to fight so you won't be able to take her.

BRANDON MCGIBBON

She's right. Audiences are fine with the cute lady critter fucking its Dad but seeing her get beaten up is beyond the pale. People only like seeing males brutally fight to the death. If only there was some previous precedent in the film to allow for such a satisfactory conclusion. If only, if only....

ADRIEN BRODY

Brandon? Didn't I revoke your screentime?

DELPHINE CHANEAC appears as a BOY-GENEMONSTER, swoops down and slaughters WILLIAM BARLOW and BRANDON MCGIBBON.

BRANDON MCGIBBON

*Gak!!* Totally worth it!

ADRIEN BRODY

Shit. I best cover myself in mud to hide from her infravision. Wait, is that this movie?

ADRIEN gets beaten the fuck up.

SARAH POLLEY

Oh no! I'll have to fight her, er him. But wait! Adrien has just been smacked down. If audiences like seeing men get brutally beaten and women sexually abused won't that mean...

BOY DELPHINE CHANEAC pounces on SARAH and proceeds to RAPE HER.

SARAH POLLEY

Aieee! It's the classic Dad meets Mom, they make girl, dad rapes girl, girl becomes boy, boy rapes Mom. How did I not see this coming?

BOY DELPHINE CHANEAC

Iiiinnn siiiiiide yooooooooooooooo!

ADRIEN BRODY

(appears)

Ahhh! It talked! That's totally a dealbreaker!

ADRIEN smashes BOY DELPHINE CHANEAC to death but gets stabbed by the DEATHSPIKE.

ADRIEN BRODY

Urrrk! Damn you, stonefish DNA!

(dies)

INT. N.E.R.D. HQ

SARAH stands in front of a MASSIVE FUCKTON of money.

SIMONA MAICANESCU

We're just about done ravaging the corpse of your child. So, Sarah as you've had the consequences of your scientific hubris and poor parenting literally rape you and kill your boyfriend, what do you think about being mother of your genetic monstrosity rapechild who also happens to be your grandchild?

SARAH POLLEY

(Actual line)

Sure, what's the worst that can happen?

SIMONA MAICANESCU

You're the best scientist EVER!

END