FADE IN:

INT. SPACE MEDICAL LAB

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR is studying a plot significant hologram in MICHAEL HITCHCOCK'S office.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Greetings, Michael. I am a polite British harbinger of a Universe of peace. And tea. I am Britishly annoyed that you let Summer Glau escape. Her head is the most precious in the Galaxy.

MICHAEL HITCHCOCK

Well, I'd probably give it a 8.9...

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Distasteful.

(slaughters him with a sword.)

Cultured. Where are you hiding, little TOK715?

INT. SPACE SHIP SERENITY

NATHAN FILLLION, ADAM BALDWIN and GINA TORRES are loading up a hovercar.

NATHAN FILLION

Well, golly-shucks. Time to go a-robbin, gee howdy. Summer darlin', get your off-centre self up here.

SUMMER GLAU

All shiny. I feel their hope, so much hope.

SEAN MAHER

Nathan, my one defining character trait makes me insist that you leave my sister here.

JEWEL STAITE

(stripping)

I'll show you MY one defining character trait! Sean? SEAN? LOOK AT ME, GORAM IT! I'm gash frothing for you, you incesty freak !

NATHAN FILLION

Woah. Say what? Him?!

(punches Sean out)

Listen up, GQ, I do the sexy round here.

JEWEL STAITE

Aw, fuzznerts.

INT. WESTERN SPACE-TOWN BANK

NATHAN FILLION

Howdy dagnammit, townsfolk. You just rest on the floor a spell whilst my associates and I waltz easily into this here Governmental hi-techy-safe. What's that, Sum?

SUMMER GLAU

Why won't they pay full-price? Hurts us all! Not shiny!

ADAM BALDWIN

Chinese expletive, she's right, Nath! Reavers is coming! Their anarchic mainly hand-to-hand attacks make thems the most terrifying thing in a galaxy full o'firepower!

GINA TORRES

Cap'n. We best help some of these folk to establish we're not all bad before hightailing like cowards!

NATHAN FILLION

Welp, that's why they called us the brown trousers, rasafragin-fragon! Let's run the hell away!

They run the hell away.

INT. SPACE-BAR

NATHAN, ADAM and GINA conduct nefarious dealings when Summer wanders in to watch TV.

SUMMER GLAU

Advertising! I wan' it, I wan' it, I wan' it! Extended edition, director's commentary! Gimmie, gimmie! Hi-YA! CHOP! POW! HA!

ADAM BALDWIN

I'll deal with this. Don't mess with me, girly. I was born to kill!

ADAM gets beaten the fuck up.

SEAN MAHER

Summer! Klaatu barada nikto!

SUMMER GLAU

It's better to burn out than to fade... oh, uh... Mir-anda.

(passes out)

NATHAN FILLION

You roofied your own sister? Twisted, Sean.

INT. SPACE-WHOREHOUSE

NATHAN FILLION

Hey, space-whore.

MORENA BACCARIN

Nathan! What are you doing here? Our complicated relationship will only confuse the casual viewer. And it's Cum-panion, thank you.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

(appearing)

Distasteful.

CHIWETEL casually batters hell out of NATHAN FILLION.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Give me the psychic. I feel I have demonstrated that I am more awesome than you in every way.

NATHAN FILLION

Maybe so, pardner but you reckoned without my ability to... run the hell away!

Nathan and Morena run the hell away!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Blast. If only I'd had even the slightest back-up. No matter- there are only four or five places they can go. I shall order them razed to the ground but not leave any troops there despite the massive army at my disposal. That should irritate them into action.

EXT. SPACE-PLANET SURFACE

NATHAN and crew are picking over the corpses of their friends.

NATHAN FILLION

Well shucks-fuck, I ain't dispossessed no more. In fact I'm pretty gawdamn pissed. That's it, I aim to bring down the hammer.

SUMMER GLAU

Illegal downloads, illegal downloads! Kills me, squish!

NATHAN FILLION

You said it, Summer. Lets us do this ship up like a Reavers' one and Alan can fly us through their space to Miranda.

ALAN TUDYK

What? But surely if it was that easy then the alliance would have just flown explosive drones done up like Reaver Ships long ago? And can't we just go round? Space? Infinite?

NATHAN FILLION

Look. The hammer is my penis.

ALAN TUDYK

That makes no sense.

NATHAN FILLION

Neither does this entire plan, relying as it does on purely visual identification in deep space. Now git painting before I shoot you square in the face, hoss!

NATHAN blows away some half-shattered under-paid soldier to illustrate his point.

ALAN TUDYK

You're still the hero, right?

INT. PLANET MIRANDA, SPACE-LAB

NATHAN FILLION

Well, that wasn't such a chore. This is inexplicably the only power source on the planet. There must be some answers here.

JEWEL fiddles around.

HOLOGRAM SARAH PAULSON

(appears)

Hello, if you're seeing this then I'm dead. I was going to draw an H on my forehead to illustrate but there is no time. Our experiment to pacify the people went horribly wrong. To calm them we pumped out insipid sit-coms, episode after episode of Two and A Half Men. It worked... too well.

GINA TORRES

So that's why that show has been around so long...

HOLOGRAM SARAH PAULSON

But a small minority became angry. They demanded quality programming and after Arrested Development was cancelled they went on a rapey cannibal rampage. Oh no! They're coming!

MORENA BACCARIN

Reavers! The Alliance created the Reavers! Sorry, I know that was obvious but I just wanted to remind everyone that I matter. Anyone? Hellooo?

HOLOGRAM SARAH PAULSON

You must get this information out. Yes, it was an honest mistake but I'm about to be raped and eaten so some motherfucker has to pay! Aieee!

GINA TORRES

Turn it off.

ADAM BALDWIN

Hold up. Let's just watch the first bit.

NATHAN FILLION

Adam! That's Goram sick. Now how can we transmit this gore-snuff-porn to every single home in the 'verse?

JEWEL STAITE

Noticemeandfuckmesean,noticemeandfuckmesean.

Oh! Wait! David Krumholtz! That creepy motherfucker has l33t skillz!

NATHAN FILLION

Hmmm. But the Alliance is sure to be watching him, dagnabbit. Don't worry, I have another plumb brilliant plan! Lets poke at the Reavers' ships with a stick and then... run the hell away! They'll follow us into what is, best guess, another army.

GINA TORRES

And ultra-feminists say I shouldn't take orders from a white man.

EXT. SPACE

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Ha. Foolish Nathan Fillion. Bringing a spaceship to a sword fight. Wait! Reavers! Cocking cumfucking loads of Reavers! Everyone shoot at them! I don't want a single ship firing on our primary target! NO ONE FIRE AT SERENITY! TEA AND CRUMPETS!!! Oh, fuck this I'm off to the surface.

INT. SPACE-BASE

NATHAN FILLION

Holy Hong Kong shit, that was close. Good thing that everyone that matters is still shucks-dandy.

SUMMER GLAU

Great disturbance in the force! Thousands of fan-boys crying out in pain. But they didn't come. The cinema seats they were empty...

NATHAN FILLION

What that you hollerin' about? Oh, woefully underused Alan Tudyk is dead. Huh. And David Krumholtz too. This is all getting a bit John Constantine with my friends.

DAVID KRUMHOLTZ'S FUCK DOLL

He Britished me, Nath. He Britished me with a sword.

NATHAN FILLION

Well, golly. Hellooo there.

DAVID KRUMHOLTZ'S FUCK DOLL

Nathan! Focus. And really, who's your voice coach- Yosemite Sam? Ahem. He Britished me, Nath. You have to get to the secret transmitter platform. Remember to hit A and the jump button.

GINA TORRES

Hot damn! Let's go.

NATHAN FILLION

No. you stay here to get raped and eaten. I have to do this... Solo.

GINA TORRES

Shhh! Don't make it so obvious!

NATHAN FILLION

I MEANT this time I shall be running the hell away... alone.

ADAM BALDWIN

Well, thanks a fuck.

INT. SPACE-BASE BUNKER

The crew sans Nathan wait to be killed by Reavers.

MORENA BACCARIN

Look everyone, I'm dressed as Xena! And I have a bow! I matter, damn it. Hello? I'm a prostitute y'know. STOP LOOKING AT JEWEL AND SUMMER, ASSHOLES!!!

SEAN MAHER

I'm just upset I never got to pound on Jewel's lovehole. If only she had given me some sort of sign.

JEWEL STAITE

You sonnovabitch.

(slaughters several Reavers)

ADAM BALDWIN

Shit, is that all it takes? I ain't been laid in weeks! And Gina, your husband and meatpole is dead, not that the audience noticed. No sex fer you! Wooo! Frustration! Let's kill some motherfuckers!

SUMMER GLAU

Well, everyone. This has been all sorts of fun but frankly it's time for me to Buffy my way into a future. See you in the Dollhouse! Wait, that's Alan... Oh well, um, bye!

SUMMER dives through the door and kills the holy fuck out of a bunch of Reavers.

ADAM BALDWIN

Wow. that's some serious flustration right there. Good thing you never worked up the courage to bang her either, Sean.

INT. SPACE-BASE SECRET SPACE-TRANSMITTER PLATFORM

NATHAN FILLION

So the doll has Krumholtz's voice. I guess I still would...

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Distasteful.

(leaps onto walkway)

Now, Nathan. You must stop. That disk will reveal that despite Joss Whedon being famous for juggling a large cast only you have anything resembling a character arc.

NATHAN FILLION

(leaps onto walkway)

No. No, that's not true. That's IMPOSSIBLE!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Look into yourself. You know it to be true. Only you develop. Even Summer just jarringly changes.

NATHAN FILLION

Noooo! Noooo!!!

They fight. Nathan manages to get his ass kicked slightly less than before.

NATHAN FILLION

Man, you think one of us would bring a spare gun. Particularly you.

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

You would. But despite being portrayed as coldly all about the job I have an egotistical need to kill people in a nuanced way with my deathblow. Like this!

NATHAN FILLION

Nuance? NUANCE? I'm Nathan ye-fucking-ha Fillion, son. I HATE nuance. Yippee Kye Oriental EY, Motherfucker!

Nathan shrugs off Chiwetel's deathblow with the power of cowboy ruggedness and pounds him down.

NATHAN FILLION

And that's how we do, pard. Now, watch this. Huh? Huh? See it there?

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

My God. All those people. Killed in an accident during a genuine attempt to make a happy docile population like I always wanted. This totally puts my slaughter of entire settlements of men, women and children just to smoke you out in perspective, Nathan. Thank you. Alliance bad. They nasty men. Me change ways.

NATHAN FILLION

Ha! You changed! That's an arc right there!

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR

Well not rea....

NATHAN FILLION

ARC!

INT. SPACESHIP SERENITY

NATHAN FILLION

...and that's how I reprogrammed the fuckbot and got a Big Damn Blowjob. What's up, little one?

SUMMER GLAU

Now I'm sane I was just thinking, we've plunged the 'verse into chaos. Do you think it will all work out?

NATHAN FILLION

Looking at the ticket sales no one will ever know.

SUMMER GLAU

Unless the fans buy hundreds and hundreds of copies of the DVD each that is.

(stares directly at the camera)

Which I'm sure they will if they really cared.

NATHAN FILLION

Damn, girl. You're cruel when you're not crazy. Looks like you an me gonna git right along! YEEEEEE HAW!!!!!

END