Bill and Helen find out that, indeed... it IS raining men.

TWISTER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. OKLAHOMA - A VERY OK STATE - 1969

A FAMILY is awakened by an approaching F5 TORNADO and run down to the storm cellar WITH THEIR DOG, DON'T WORRY. The dad has trouble with the BUSTED CELLAR DOOR.

MOM

So the only thing standing between us and the "finger of God" is one flimsy, rusty lock?

DAD

Goddamnit Marium, I told you before! I have more important things to worry about than the safety of my family living in a tornado-ridden area.

YOUNG HELEN HUNT

Daddy, is that lion roars I hear? Did they add that to make the tornado scarier? 'Cause I'm pretty sure tornadoes are high on the list of things that would scare the shit out of people.

DAD

I dunno, but don't give anyone any ideas. Next thing you know they'll be putting sharks in it.

The DAD tries to hold the door shut but as a surprise to NO ONE he is not strong enough to hold down a storm nicknamed the FINGER OF GOD.

DAD

(flying though the air)

NOOO! Surely this traumatic event will prompt my daughter to become a storm chaser in an effort to avenge my death as she screams from the safety of the back of the storm cellar where I probably should have stayed in the first place oh well lesson learned the hard way I guess AAAAHHHHHHH

(dies)

YOUNG HELEN HUNT

(traumatized)

AUDIENCE

Whew! For a second there, I really thought the dog was gonna die.

EXT. OKLAHOMA - PRESENT DAY/1996

Ex-storm chaser BILL PAXTON drives his BRAND NEW 'MERICAN MADE DODGE RAM PICKUP TRUCK to meet HELEN HUNT'S FLUFFY HAIR and also HELEN HUNT. Tagging along is his fiancée, JAMI GERTZ, and fun fact, she auditioned for the role of MONICA GELLAR and HOOO BOY, bet she was bummed she didn't get that one.

HELEN HUNT

Oh, hi Bill! Did you come for the divorce papers I've been sitting on so you could marry your new girlfriend hahahaha I'm not torn up about our breakup at all hahahaha.

BILL PAXTON

Yes I did. So if you could hand them over while simultaneously doing a terrible job at hiding your feelings for me, that would be great.

BILL introduces JAMI to the rest of the RAG TAG TEAM including ACADEMY AWARD WINNER PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN showing off his STELLAR ACTING SKILLS.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Deeeewwwddd. Have you heard of the part of a twister called the "suck zone?"

JAMI GERTZ

Don't make me get my mace.

HELEN HUNT

In another attempt at stalling our impending divorce, let me show you Dorothy, the garbage can-like apparatus we built to scan tornadoes, based on your design! Plus there's a series of storm systems coming up the likes of which are rare but nonetheless great for a movie. We should join forces, or genitalia... or you know whatever hahahaha!

BILL PAXTON

You see Jami, we put Dorothy in the tornado's path and these little scanners fly up the funnel and measure it from the inside. Back in the day here in Oklahoma, I was kind of known as the Tornado King. The only thing that could stop me was...

Just then, a fleet of BLACK 'MERICAN MADE DODGE VANS shows up, driven by the movie's blonde-haired villain!

BILL PAXTON

(Exotically)

That BITCH, Cary Elwes!

JAMI GERTZ

Aw man, that guy? Between this and Liar Liar, he's got one of the most punchable faces of the '90s.

BILL PAXTON

We all started out in the same lab together. But then... he did... the unthinkable.

(pause)

He got himself...

(gulp)

CORPORATE SPONSERS.

JAMI GERTZ

So? Isn't science usually underfunded? And wouldn't it make your friends' lives easier?

BILL PAXTON

Well, yeah, but he's doing it for the money! That obviously makes him pure evil. And look, he's got a trash can machine like mine! You stole my idea, shithead!

CARY ELWES

Nuh uh! My trash can machine is 100% my original design. See here on this blueprint that says "made by Bill Paxton, not Cary El-" *COUGH* never mind. You're just jealous that I'm pissing out money! Plus my censors are cubes while yours are spheres. TOTALLY LAME.

BILL PAXTON

Harumph! That's it, I'll tag along to help you guys send up Dorothy AND so I can see Cary's dick get kicked in. But this is the last storm chase ever and then I'm definitely retiring!

JAMI GERTZ

Crap.

Our gang heads after an F1 tornado while blasting VARIOUS KINDS OF MUSIC THAT CLASH WITH EACH OTHER.

BILL PAXTON

Care to bicker about nothing while all our friends listen in on the CB radio?

HELEN HUNT

Sure. In fact, let's do that throughout the entire movie.

BILL PAXTON

Wait, how come sometimes we have to push the talk button on the radio and sometimes we don't? I feel like that will bite me in the ass later on...

BILL tries to prove he's still got his nerve by driving HELEN'S KICKASS AMERICAN JEEP into some off-road track that puts them in the DIRECT PATHWAY of the TORNADO.

BILL PAXTON

Quick! Let's hide under this tiny wooden bridge and hope our plot armor saves us!

HELEN HUNT

Sure! Even though two tornado experts would know never to hide under a bridge of any kind, let alone some rickety-ass bridge with a tractor on top of it!

The tornado coincidentally DISSIPATES as soon as it gets to them, but not before trying to take JAMI OUT by HURLING HELEN'S JEEP at her. It just really wants to see HELEN and BILL back together okay?

HELEN HUNT

Shit! Dorothy I is destroyed!

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Dewds, it's okay! We have 3 more! And they almost coincide with the amount of tornados we come across in the next 24 hours!

They set to deploy DOROTHY II but find themselves between two WATERSPOUTS. They die are fine. When the twisters conveniently dissipate again, BILL and HELEN CELEBRATE.

JAMI on the other hand, realizes you should always get the background info when online dating in case you end up engaged to a PSYCHO ADRENALINE JUNKIE.

BILL PAXTON

Aww honey, that was your second near death experience in a row. As my fiancée with no experience in this line of work, I didn't think about you at all.

JAMI GERTZ

I love you too, dear. I'm sorry, I just don't think I can take any more insanity.

PHILIP SEYMORE HOFFMAN

Hey, you know what we could all use right now? Fewd. FEWD.

JAMI GERTZ

Jesus Christ.

EVERYONE

FEEEEEWWWWDDD!

EXT. WAKITA, OKLAHOMA

The gang visits HELEN'S aunt, LIOS SMITH, who apparently always has 15 steaks and 5 dozen eggs just in case her niece's FRIENDS DROP BY UNEXPECTEDLY.

ALAN RUCK

Hey y'all, let's talk about how we predict Fujita scale tornadoes just by looking at them. Even though that's impossible to do!

JAMI GERTZ

Ah, so this must be some kind of tornado measuring system. And you've mentioned Fs 1 through 4 already. So for a noob like me, the next logical question would be: is there an F5?

PHILIP SEYMORE HOFFMAN

(gasps dramatically!)

SEAN WHALEN

(hides under table!)

TODD FIELD

(jumps out window!)

JAMI GERTZ

Oh COME ON. What is this, some "Voldemort" shit?

PHILIP SEYMORE HOFFMAN

Yes, we do not speak it's name. Only one of us has ever seen an F5. Back in 1969...

JAMI GERTZ

Would that be Helen, who's upstairs in the shower and not involved in this conversation?

ALAN RUCK

How the hell did they know it was an F5 anyway? The Fujita scale wasn't invented until 1971.

Upstairs, LOIS talks to HELEN about BILL.

LOIS SMITH

So gimme the juicy deets! Why did you guys break up? Spill that tea, hunnaayyy!

HELEN HUNT

Actually, we never say why we separated. We bicker a lot, but we don't seem to hate each other, so your guess is as good as mine.

LOIS SMITH

Do you like my wind chimes? I made them out of old scrap metal and industrial warehouse fan blades.

HELEN HUNT

Ah yes, a sensible thing to have while living in an area full of tornadoes.

EXT. THE GREAT WIDE OPEN, USA

They all jump back in the trucks to chase after an F3, but it destroys DOROTHY II!

HELEN HUNT

The sensors! We need to stay here and pick up them up one by one, even though it's raining buckets and the nearby power lines are exploding!

BILL PAXTON

Can I speak for the people in the audience who are unfamiliar with meteorology, which is most of them? This tornado keeps popping up on the same road. Couldn't we just leave the sensors on the ground and hope they get sucked up? Can we talk about this?

HELEN HUNT

No! We must have a dramatic moment instead! You don't know what it's like to have it skip that house, and the next house, then come after you!

BILL PAXTON

Are you, a scientist, taking this personally?

HELEN HUNT

Not sure! Maybe you should express your feelings for me in a way that leaves me confused but allows Jami to reconsider marrying you!

BILL PAXTON

Well it's a good thing Jami can't hear us because we're 10 feet away from the CB radio and not pressing the talk button!

JAMI HEARS EVERYTHING.

EXT. DRIVE IN MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

After her intimate moment with BILL, HELEN decides it's the best time to sign the DIVORCE PAPERS. Then, an F4 appears out of nowhere!

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Funny how our team predicted the other twisters hours in advance but not this one.

THE FUCKING F4 FUCKING SHREDS the drive in theater! It's tearing off roofs! Cutting power lines! Tossing cars! A piece of shrapnel rips TODD'S head open! All the while THE SHINING plays on the movie screen just in case you forgot that TORNADOS ARE SCARY.

JAMI GERTZ

That was the most terrifying experience of my life!!!

BILL PAXTON

Aww honey, you're such a fraidy cat.

HELEN HUNT

You hate to see it. Welp, if she leaves, at least we won't have the Kate Capshaw character around to scream anymore.

JAMI GERTZ

Oh FUCK OFF! I am not half as annoying as Capshaw! And secondly, I'm the only one that makes any sense around here! Bill, we're through.

BILL PAXTON

I am mildly upset about this. Will you remember me?

JAMI GERTZ

Are you kidding? You'll be in every one of my PTSD nightmares from here on out. I'll be in therapy for the next six months trying to forget you.

EXT. WAKITA, OKLAHOMA

The F4 went after LOIS! The house is on the brink of collapse, but thankfully they get her out in one piece!

DIRECTOR JAN DE BONT

WHERE'S THE DOG?!?! Make sure the dog lives or the audience will DIE!

HELEN HUNT

Thank goodness you're alright. Hey, your wind chimes gave me an idea. I'll attach wings to the sensors! That will make Dorothy fly!

LOIS SMITH

(out of it)

Sure, but it seems the reason the last two attempts failed was not because of the sensors but because the machine itself was destroyed. But hey, knock yourself out. Now who do I have to blow to get a morphine drip around here?

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Ah! Wonderful woman. We're all, we're all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.

EXT. YET ANOTHER WIDE FLAT AREA, USA

THE GANG goes after a MOTHERFUCKIN' F5 HELL YEAHHHHH with new and improved PINWHEEL SENSORS made from 300 cans of PEPSI and PEPSI ONLY. After not heeding BILL'S warning, CARY'S driver gets a quick, painless DEATH BY TV TOWER IN THE FACE, while CARY gets tossed around in his car until it plummets into a FIREY EXPLOSION.

HELEN HUNT

Wow, we really went dark with Cary's demise, didn't we...

BILL PAXTON

Shit! The F5 destroyed Dorothy III! And it's throwing tractors, houses and oil tankers at us! Actually this is pretty cool.

HELEN HUNT

We've got one more shot. If Dorothy IV flies, we save our research, and with that, our marriage.

It works! Dorothy flies! Mostly because it didn't get destroyed! But whatever, yay pinwheel sensors!

HELEN HUNT

It's changing course, we gotta move! Even though I have no idea how we were standing anywhere near this thing in the first place, especially when it lofted Cary's truck from about the same distance!

BILL PAXTON

Let's anchor ourselves to these plumbing pipes so when the twister crosses over us we can see inside of it!

HELEN HUNT

That's why I love you. You and your fool proof plans.

The (MIDDLE) FINGER OF GOD passes over them and they die are mildly uncomfortable. That's right, a MILE WIDE WIND STORM, tossing around TRACTORS and HOUSES and LIGHTENING somehow does not KILL THEM, nor does it turn them into HUMAN TWIZZLERS. It dissipates over them ONCE AGAIN.

JEREMY DAVIES

That was awesome! But hey, we were the team that helped, how come we were barely mentioned?

ALAN RUCK

Because Helen hogged all the character development while we were the cheerleading squad who provided weather jargon.

HELEN HUNT

Look on the bright side, Bill and I are in love again! Now let's make out in front of the sweeping landscape for what seems like an hour.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

You guys were in the suck zone! Suck it, mother nature! WOOOOOOOO!!!

Everyone CELEBRATES. Then they're hit by a leftover FLYING COW.

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