FADE IN:

EXT. THE MEAN STREETS OF SWEDEN

Veteran jaded cop BENGT NILSSON arrives at a CRIME SCENE.

BENGT NILSSON

Okay, what have we got here? Robbery? Murder? Androgynous child-vampire attack? Second-generation Nazi homicidal rapist with ties to top-secret government agencies taken down by the dysfunctional hacker daughter of a defected super-spy evil bastard?

BEAT COP

(shaking head)

No, nothing routine like that.

(grimly)

There's a NEW wave of crime threatening our city. A new breed of criminal unlike anything we've ever seen.

BENGT NILSSON

Um, look, I know it's hard to find a new hook to hang a standard police procedural on, but please tell me you haven't gone too crazy trying to...

BEAT COP

They're drummers.

BENGT NILSSON

(pause)

Drummers?

BEAT COP

That's right. Avant-garde, extreme-performance-art, drummers.

BENGT NILSSON

That's honestly what we're going with? All right.

(sighs)

Dammit, this is a rough case, as it forces me to confront my own long-standing personal demons. Of drumming.

SANNA PERSSON

(walking by)

Don't mind me, I'm just a mysterious, alluring blonde who is somehow connected to the case, and who will confuse your loyalties with my feminine wiles. Of drumming.

BENGT NILSSON

It may be dangerous, but to try and solve the case I'll let you lead me around by my drumstick. Of cock.

BENGT and SANNA proceed to re-enact BASIC INSTINCT only with UNCONVENTIONAL MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS instead of VAGINAS.

INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE

CHIEF

Dammit Bengt! You're TOO CLOSE!! CLOSE CLOSE to the EDGE!! Of GLO-OH-RY!! You're OFF the case. Hand in your badge and your nyckelharpa, which according to Wikipedia is a traditional Swedish folk instrument!!

BENGT NILSSON

Wait, I just realized that any object the renegade drummers made music with, I cannot hear!

CHIEF

(pause)

What, literally?

BENGT NILSSON

Duh, Swedish movie, of COURSE literally. So yeah, I can track them down with my selective deafness!

He DOES, pausing only to give his uptight symphony conductor brother SVEN AHLSTROM a book of JAZZ BASS PATTERNS for his BIRTHDAY in case we were wondering whether BENGT'S character was a COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT or not.

EXT. POWER PLANT

BENGT tracks down SANNA and her BAND OF ROGUE DRUMMERS.

SANNA PERSSON

So, you've found us out. Are we under arrest?

BENGT NILSSON

Not if you help me with something. I've magically deduced that if you use the power lines to make music, then I'll never hear music again. Which apparently is something I want. And even though this should work with music YOU wrote, I went apeshit writing my own crappy music for you to do instead.

SANNA PERSSON

But according to the rules we set down, if we use the whole city to make music, you won't hear ANY sounds the whole city makes. Not people talking, not doorbells, not nothin'.

BENGT NILSSON

You'd think so! But THIS time, it'll only apply to conventional definitions of music. Even though we just spent a whole movie seeming to make the point that all things can be perceived as music.

SANNA PERSSON

You're gonna have a hell of a time choosing a ringtone after this...

BENGT NILSSON

I don't care! Just so long as I don't have to listen to goddamn Haydn anymore, that douchebag! I hate Haydn SO MUCH!!

SANNA PERSSON

Yeah, fuck stuffy old Haydn! Double fuck him right up his conventional establishment ass!

SVEN AHLSTROM

(popping into frame)

You know, it's ironic that the Haydn piece used in this film was ITSELF a fuck-you piece to the establishment of HIS day.

(pause)

Hang on, did we do that on purpose?

BENGT NILSSON

We're Swedish. Of course we subverted our own message, you idiot!

SVEN AHLSTROM

Okay, calm down. Now can someone make me unable to hear Justin Bieber? HEY-OH!!!!!!

SANNA PERSSON

The cornball obvious punchline! DOUBLE SUBVERSION!

BENGT NILSSON

I'm too molto andante for this shit.

END