FADE IN:

INT. PROLOGUE

The CREW of the movie appears wearing TOGAS and THEATER MASKS.

CREW

Two actors, scant in personality,

In fair Toronna, where we lay our scene,

Come to revive romantic comedy,

Now the sole province of thy Netflix screen;

From forth the pen of Steve Galluccio,

A pair of star-cross'd lovers blah blah blah.

We need not finish. This thou surest know

From West Side Story and 10th-grade drama;

Although, regrettably, no one will die,

Not by poison nor blade to any heart.

If thou hast seen the trailer, do not lie--

Thou took thy seat expecting total shart;

And now, with the Bard's words cruelly off-rip'd,

We may, at long last, start the goddamn script.

INT. BRITISH COOKING SCHOOL

Culinary student EMMA ROBERTS meets with master chef JANE SEYMOUR.

JANE SEYMOUR

How overcook'd your beef and mush'd your peas.

A chef in Britain, you're to surely be

Within the newest of my eateries,

If you prepare a menu legend'ry.

EMMA ROBERTS

Heigh-ho! My dreams of glory are made real!

T'would be the greatest feat to chef for you!

JANE SEYMOUR

'Tis fabulous, I know--but here's the deal:

A visa you must earn for employ true.

For two weeks, you must leave this pleasant land

And wait for process in the Great White North,

The home that you've not missed. But understand:

There you must go to bring vocation forth--

But not for family, friendship, or for sex,

For these three demons you must slay to chef.

EXT. FAIR TORONNA

EMMA arrives.

EMMA ROBERTS

O childhood neighborhood of little change,

Of family enmity that burns today,

Of menus with bizarrely minor range,

Of reasons many for me to away.

Back here, to fair Toronna, I have come--

But only for a fortnight. That is it.

She spots HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN.

EMMA ROBERTS

How now, here be my favored girlhood chum!

What happened to your hair? Like, holy shit.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Indeed, this gel doth age me quite a lot.

And since we speak of matters that age poor:

Some soccer in the rain?

EMMA ROBERTS

Nay, I shall not.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

You fear to lose, you losey losing hoor?

EMMA plays on HEELS in the middle of a THUNDERSTORM, emerging without either PNEUMONIA or a pair of BROKEN ANKLES.

EMMA ROBERTS

Fie on me, foh! I slept at Hayden's place!

And while our parents' ancient grudge goes on!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Yet I now like your legs, and you my face.

You know we'll get it in before 'tis done.

INT. A NEIGHBORHOOD YOU'D WANT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF TOO

HAYDEN's father, GARY BASARABA, and EMMA's father, ADAM FERRARA, argue.

GARY BASARABA

Boombots!

ADAM FERRARA

Chooch!

GARY BASARABA

Maddiul'!

ADAM FERRARA

Giamocc'!

GARY BASARABA

Stunad!

ADAM/GARY

YOUR PIZZA SUCKS ASS, AND SO DOES YOUR MA!

Meanwhile, their respective grandparents, DANNY AIELLO and ANDREA MARTIN, meet in secret.

DANNY AIELLO

Amore!

ANDREA MARTIN

Cara mia!

DANNY AIELLO

Dolcezza!

ANDREA/DANNY

The scenes we have together are... just... GAH.

Meanwhile, their respective mothers, LINDA KASH and ALYSSA MILANO, chat.

LINDA KASH

Mia amica!

ALYSSA MILANO

Mia sorella!

LINDA/ALYSSA

I wish our husbands wer'nt so murudda!

In the background, THE ONLY FOUR NON-ITALIANS IN THE MOVIE show up.

QUANCETIA HAMILTON

(Z-snaps)

I'm black!

ANDREW PHUNG

(bows)

I'm Asian!

VAS SARANGA/AMRIT KAUR

(work in tech support)

We're from India!

ALL FOUR

This movie's multicultural... sorta.

ALL TEN

Together we are mere stereotypes.

You hath foreseen naught else within this tripe.

INT. HAYDEN'S ROOFTOP

HAYDEN serves EMMA his HOMEMADE PIZZA.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

This novelty, my father's e'er abhorred,

But I make pies with herbs I myself grow.

TORONTONIANS

Oh, finally, some food porn!

(five seconds later)

Ecch, we're bored.

Now off to 7 Numbers we shall go.

EMMA ROBERTS

Fresh mushrooms, foreign cheeses, and some greens?

Why, none but you makes use of toppings such!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

But you, sweet Em, of pizza are the queen.

These figs you bade me add, how nice a touch!

EMMA ROBERTS

T'would be creative one score years ago,

But now, like meals on rooftops, it grows bland--

With Christmas lights and dancing, ne'er more so.

It brings to mind my choice to leave this land.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

This diff'rence 'twixt us is intpinse, forsooth,

For I have no desire to live outside

Of the 1.4 click square of our youth--

A place your braver self cannot abide.

EMMA ROBERTS

Yet I begin succumbing to your charm,

Or so the screenplay tells me that I must.

In truth, your weak-accented guido smarm

Would not provoke in strumpets any lust.

And since quite soon to London I will fly,

I've not a cause to lay with you--so, bye.

(leaves)

INT. HAYDEN'S FAMILY'S PIZZERIA

HAYDEN seeks out DANNY for advice.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Dear Grandpapa, whatever can be done?

The fairest Emma will quit here ere long!

DANNY AIELLO

Just take her out for some nostalgic fun,

And ne'er again will she get off your schlong.

HAYDEN takes EMMA on a tour of OBVIOUSLY NOT LITTLE ITALY, YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE THOUGHT WE WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE THE DISTILLERY DISTRICT, YOU DAMN LIARS.

EMMA ROBERTS

I should be scribing menus for Miss Jane,

But all this frolicking hast been such joy!

Within your arms, my Hayden, I'd remain!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Does that mean we can have sex now?

EMMA ROBERTS

Uh, DOY.

Insert your own HOT ITALIAN SAUSAGE JOKE here.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

I now hear tell that we two are in love,

Though I sound no more passionate in this

Than I did when I played the husband of

A hotter girl in Revenge of the Sith.

Will you then stay here and forsake your dream?

EMMA ROBERTS

(in post-coital idiocy)

Ay, yes.

(snaps out of it)

Wait, NO! What fool you take me for,

Thou cream-faced loon! Hath this been thy foul scheme,

For me to kill ambition while thee score?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Um... basically.

EMMA ROBERTS

A pox be in thy crust,

Thou loathsome, sodden-witted, CLAY-BRAINED GUTS!

(leaves)

INT. A NON-PIZZERIA

DANNY and ANDREA gather their FAMILIES.

GARY BASARABA

Hey! What's this gabbadeegats doin' here?

Someone had betta make him disappear!

ADAM FERRARA

Oh, yeah, schifozz'? Methinks my fist's the thing

To make ya face look betta! Bada-BING!

ANDREA MARTIN

(hits them both over the head with wooden spoons)

Silenzio! Now hear we two declare

That we plan in twelve moons to become wed!

LINDA KASH

How, you and Danny as a wedlock'd pair?

Dost this mean you've...

ALL

EWWWW! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

DANNY AIELLO

'Tis true, Viagra's had our custom oft.

But with our coming coupling brings the day

For you no more to wish each other offed

And put aside your strife.

GARY/ADAM

NO FUCKIN' WAY!

EMMA ROBERTS

What great indignity you've brought upon

Our families' houses! Thus I will return

To England on the morrow, and be gone

From these environs I was right to spurn!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

But what if we could put this rage to death

And settle whose clan makes the finest pie?

EMMA ROBERTS

A chef, make pizza? Hast you taken meth?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Our crust against your sauce!

GARY/ADAM

'TIS DO OR DIE!

EMMA ROBERTS

Oh, very well. This pizza I'll prepare

And THEN I will to England! This I swear!

EXT. THE FINAL PIZZA-DOWN

The JUDGES taste HAYDEN'S PIZZA.

JUDGES

O summer's day! What slice of heaven, this,

Like Petrie's other movie! Do not miss!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

(tastes)

My crust this is, but now with Emma's sauce?

Ay me! How well together do they go!

But wherefore art she now?

ANDREA MARTIN

She just took off.

EVERYONE

(realizes)

Oh, no.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

(jumps into his car)

Oh, yes.

EVERYONE

Oh, NO.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

(peels out of the lot)

Oh, YES.

EVERYONE

OH, NO!

INT. AIRPORT

HAYDEN, followed by the FAMILIES, finds EMMA in the SECURITY LINE.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

My sweetest Emma, do not dare depart!

Be with me in our stifling, small enclave!

EMMA ROBERTS

And now you speak of capturing my heart?

'Tis only been a fortnight, you vile knave!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

We two can make the finest pizza known

If you would sacrifice your fine career!

ALYSSA MILANO

Unless you'd sooner be a barren crone...

EMMA ROBERTS

(sighs)

Alack, you win, I'll make my sauces here.

The FAMILIES break into an impromptu TARANTELLA.

CREW

Thus Hayden did, with Emma, buy a spot

To sell their pizzas tasty and unique--

Although this be Toronto, where 'tis not

Unheard to find new pizza every week;

As for their fathers, they came to reveal

Why, for so long, each other they'd mistreat:

A cause so stupid, it be nigh surreal

And in this script, we care not to repeat;

And when this tale did mercifully wrap,

An author made it hers to satirize

With view to its pseudo-Shakespearean crap--

An effort that now seemeth most unwise;

For never did a movie harder blow

Than this one here, by Steve Galluccio.

END