FADE IN:

EXT. PANDORA

YOUNG ANGELINA JOLIE is flitting about on her FAERIE WINGS, being all precious and adorable and shit.

NARRATOR

Let us tell an old story anew. As if Disney ever did anything else. Hell, when we ran out of fairy tales, we were so desperate we had to go buy Marvel and Star Wars. Up next, we’ve got a live action version of the stage version of our animated version of Beauty and the Beast and you’ll fucking love it because we’re Disney, bitches. Now shut up and buy our shit.

Various CHARMING CGI CREATURES dance and play with YOUNG ANGELINA on their way to DISNEY STORE SHELVES nationwide.

CGI IMELDA STAUNTON

Hi, Angelina! We found a human boy picking up rocks from the bottom of the creek. Naturally, we’ve sentenced him to death. What would you like to do?

YOUNG ANGELINA

BEFRIEND BOY.

CGI IMELDA STAUNTON

“BEFRIEND” not recognized.

YOUNG ANGELINA

Okay, let’s try this. RESCUE BOY.

CGI IMELDA STAUNTON

“RESCUE” not recognized.

(pause)

Listen, we both know Disney only recognizes one action for girls.

YOUNG ANGELINA

Damn it, fine. FALL IN LOVE WITH BOY.

YOUNG ANGELINA falls in love with YOUNG SHARLTO COPLEY.

YOUNG ANGELINA

Okay, now that we’ve got that whole “love interest” thing out of the way, can we get on to my origin story? I’m supposed to be a badass sorceress and super villain! Come on, let’s show how I come into my powers and earn the title of protector of the magic forest!

YOUNG SHARLTO

Or we could just skip to your sixteenth birthday and make out.

YOUNG ANGELINA

Hell, no! It’s 2014, for fuck’s sake. I refuse to let my relationship with one boy define my entire charac--

CUT TO:

YOUNG ANGELINA is celebrating her 16TH BIRTHDAY.

YOUNG ANGELINA

Oh, Sharlto, can you ever forgive me for wanting to be my own person? From now on, my every thought and action will be 100% about you! This is true love and we’re going to be together forever and ever and ever!

YOUNG SHARLTO

Wow, you really are a 16-year-old girl.

THEY KISS.

YOUNG SHARLTO

Listen, babe. You were great. But I think we should see other people.

YOUNG ANGELINA

Wait, there are other people? You’re literally the only non-cartoon I’ve talked to in my entire life. I don’t even have parents or a single other member of my own species. Come to think of it, how did I end up in this magical forest? Where did all the other faeries go? Where does my power come from? Why does my origin story have absolutely NO ORIGIN in it?!

EXT. FANGORN FOREST

ANGELINA JOLIE is all grown up and has been named guardian and protector of the entire magical forest because the NARRATOR SAID SO. A wild HUMAN ARMY appears.

KING KENNETH CRANHAM

For reasons I won’t waste any screen time explaining, I command you to go and kill every magical creature in the forest!

ANGELINA uses AN ENTIRE ARMY OF ENTS! It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE!

KING KENNETH CRANHAM

Alas, we are defeated! But I will have my revenge… Whoever slays Angelina Jolie shall marry my daughter and inherit my kingdom!

SHARLTO COPLEY

An entire kingdom, you say?

That night, SHARLTO sneaks into the forest and finds ANGELINA.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Sharlto!!! I knew you’d come back! Lucky for you, I've done nothing but pine for my high school boyfriend for 20 years. You know, like any badass sorceress would. Let’s snuggle!

They DO.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Alas, I’ve never understood why your human ambition, Sharlto. Why did you leave me?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Huh, the girl who grew up in a forest of magical creatures who wait on her hand and foot doesn’t understand why a poor orphan boy might want to make something of himself. I wonder if this might have something to do with why we broke up.

ANGELINA JOLIE

What happened to you anyway?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Well, I’ve been working as a servant to--

ANGELINA JOLIE

No, I mean who turned your accent up to 11? Is that supposed to be Scottish? You know everyone else in your kingdom has a mild British accent, right?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Say, how about a drink?

Taking advantage of her friendship and trust, SHARLTO DRUGS ANGELINA into unconsciousness and VIOLATES HER by cutting off her wings, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT, IS THIS A DATE RAPE ALLEGORY IN A CHILDREN’S MOVIE??

INT. KING KENNETH’S CASTLE

SHARLTO takes the WINGS back to the castle as proof that he’s killed ANGELINA.

ANGELINA JOLIE

(shrugging)

C’est la vie.

SHARLTO marries KING KENNETH’S DAUGHTER and becomes king.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Life goes on.

SHARLTO and his WIFE have a DAUGHTER.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Live and let live.

SHARLTO neglects to invite the EX-GIRLFRIEND WHO HE DRUGGED AND MUTILATED to the christening of his child.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Oh, this shit is on.

INT. THRONE ROOM

The christening is underway. KING SHARLTO and QUEEN HANNAH NEW are hanging out with all of their NOBLEMEN when CGI IMELDA STAUNTON and her PIXIE PALS enter.

CGI IMELDA STAUNTON

Greetings, King Sharlto. We come bearing gifts for your daughter.

KING SHARLTO

So no hard feelings about me maiming… er, I mean killing, wink wink, Angelina? Last time we saw you, you were pretty much her surrogate mother.

CGI IMELDA STAUNTON

Hey, do you want character consistency or do you want me to bless your little brat with eternal beauty? Pick one, asshole.

CGI LESLIE MANVILLE

And I’ll bless her with eternal mirth so she’s always giggly in every situation. You know, like a psychopath. Wait, maybe that's a curse.

ANGELINA bursts in!

ANGELINA JOLIE

No, but this is! On your child's sixteenth birthday, she will prick her finger on... er, whatever happens to be sitting to my left right now!

It’s a SPINNING WHEEL.

KING SHARLTO

Who the hell left a spinning wheel sitting in the middle of king’s throne room in the middle of his daughter’s christening?

ANGELINA JOLIE

Your failure to straighten up before guests arrived will be your daughter’s doom! For when she pricks her finger, she shall fall into an unending sleep and nothing can save her but true love’s kiss! BWAHAHAHAHA!

ANGELINA leaves.

KING SHARLTO

Well, fuck it. I guess this kid’s a goner. Why don’t you three pixies take her off our hands while me and the wife get working on a replacement.

HANNAH NEW

Oh, wait, that’s me! I totally forgot I was in this scene. Was I supposed to be reacting to any of this? No? I’m just totally okay with whatever they decide to do with my cursed kid? Whew, cool.

ALL THE NOBLEMEN

King Sharlto, we hereby place you under arrest! Your entire claim to the throne is based on killing Angelina, and she is clearly very much alive. Off with your head!

Haha, no, everyone's entirely cool with it for some damn reason.

EXT. MAGICAL FOREST

ANGELINA has called together all the CGI CREATURES.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Now I see that Sharlto's lust for power turned him evil and led him to betray the people who cared about him most. So naturally I declare myself your queen and absolute ruler! Which I kind of already was. But now I have this evil-looking throne made out of vines, so that's different.

(pause)

Oh, and I’m going to turn this crow into Sam Riley so he can spy for me.

SAM RILEY

Holy shit, you can turn ordinary animals into people?!

ANGELINA JOLIE

Eh, why not? Summoning Ents, cursing babies, creating people, it’s all pretty much the same thing. Now go find the baby! I’m going to spend the next sixteen years watching her from the bushes!

SAM RILEY

Your badass sorceress, ladies and gentlemen.

INT. MOVIE THEATER

A fucking HOUR passes.

EXT. MAGICAL FOREST

At last, the BABY is now 15-YEAR 11-MONTH 29-DAY OLD ELLE FANNING.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Alas! After watching her all these years, I have grown to love this child!

ELLE FANNING

And I love you too! Anyone who watches me from a distance day and night and demands that I never tell my parents about them clearly has my best interest at heart. Let’s live together!

ELLE runs home to tell her THREE PIXIE GUARDIANS that she’s moving out. On the way she runs into 16-YEAR-OLD DREAMBOAT BRENDON THWAITES.

ELLE FANNING

Humina, humina!

BRENDON THWAITES

What? You can’t be in love with me after five seconds! Haven’t you seen Frozen?

ELLE FANNING

Seen what? Froh-zan? Never heard of it.

BRENDON THWAITES

It’s the top grossing animated movie of all time! Everybody’s seen it!

ELLE FANNING

Wow, that is really going to fuck up our surprise ending.

ELLE makes it home and tries to have a conversation with THE PIXIES.

ELLE FANNING

As you know, tomorrow is my sixteenth birthday—

LESLIE MANVILLE

Right, the one with the curse.

ELLE FANNING

The what?

LESLIE MANVILLE

Oh, fiddlesticks. Your father is going to be so mad that we told you about that.

ELLE FANNING

My who?

IMELDA STAUNTON

Shame on you, Leslie! She doesn’t know her father is alive and king, remember? We also never told her that Santa Claus isn’t real, babies come from sex, and she’s destined to fall victim to one of the laziest screenwriting “accidental” reveals of all time.

ELLE FANNING

I figured out the last one on my own. I’m going to the castle to find my father!

IMELDA STAUNTON

Not if we stop you first!

(pause)

Which we won’t. It’s Grey’s Anatomy night.

INT. KING SHARLTO’S CASTLE

GUARDS bring ELLE to the throne room to meet KING SHARLTO.

ELLE FANNING

Did I really walk to the castle in less than a day? How lazy were those pixies at hiding me?

KING SHARLTO

Guards! Lock her away for the next 48 hours, but don’t explain to her why! And don’t post any guards. And if she knocks politely, open the door for her.

They DO, she DOES, and she GETS AWAY.

EXT. MAGICAL FOREST

ANGELINA JOLIE

There must be some way to save Elle!

SAM RILEY

There’s always a true love’s kiss. I did see her talking to a boy once.

ANGELINA JOLIE

If she’s anything like me, that’s pretty much all it takes. Let’s kidnap him.

SAM RILEY

How?

ANGELINA JOLIE

Well, my go-to spell is to zap people unconscious and do anything I want to their bodies.

SAM RILEY

Is it just me, or do we all rely a little too much on roofies for a children's movie?

They abduct BRENDON THWAITES and disguise him as a ONE DIRECTION MACY’S PARADE FLOAT.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Be careful. King Sharlto has grown so insanely paranoid about his daughter’s sixteenth birthday that he may have left as many as one guard outside the castle. Also, we may have to lean slightly to the left to get through the maze of iron spikes leading to his unmanned and wide open front door.

Meanwhile, the CURSE has taken hold of ELLE. She walks in a TRANCE to the basement of the castle and pricks her finger on a MAGICAL SPINNING WHEEL. ANGELINA quickly finds her laying in bed.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Awaken, Brendon, and kiss the girl!

BRENDON THWAITES

Wait, I thought it was Snow White that fell asleep and had to be woken up with a kiss.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Yeah, it’s both. Just shut up and kiss her.

He DOES, but NOTHING HAPPENS.

BRENDON THWAITES

What, are we supposed to be surprised? I barely know her. Frozen moved us past all that love at first sight bullshit. We all know exactly what’s going to happen now. You've grown to love her so you’re going to be the one to kiss her and you’re going to save the day.

ANGELINA JOLIE

Figured that out all by yourself, did you, you little snot? To all of you Frozen fans who wanna bitch about us stealing this ending, I believe Elsa has a three-word catchphrase just for you: Go fuck yourself.

ANGELINA kisses ELLE on the forehead and she WAKES UP. Then ANGELINA'S SEVERED WINGS spring to life and reattached themselves to her body because why the fuck not.

KING SHARLTO

Wait, if Angelina’s the hero, that makes me the Disney villain. Which means I’m either going to get eaten by hyenas or--

(falls to his death)

NARRATOR

And so, Angelina makes Ella queen of both the human kingdom and the magical forest because suddenly and unilaterally uniting two realms that hate each other under one government always leads to good things and is never a recipe for genocide. Good night, boys and girls!

END.