FADE IN:

INT. STORYBOOK OPENING WHICH WILL BE THE “CARTOON MOVIE OPENING” TEMPLATE BOTH IRONICALLY AND UNIRONICALLY FOR AN ASTOUNDINGLY LONG TIME AFTER THIS

A book of FAIRYTALES opens on the story of SNOW WHITE.

BOOK

Once upon a time there was an animation studio which had only ever produced cutesy five-minute shorts, but then decided to jump things up about fifty notches by putting out a full-blown eighty-five-minute feature film. So now let us move on from this live action footage of a book, to a lingering shot of a straight-up stationary drawing.

(pause)

Look this shit is expensive, there will be corners cut okay?

EXT. CASTLE

After chilling a while with a DRAWING OF A CASTLE, we finally move on to the first actually animated thing in the movie, CHERUBIC WAIF ADRIANA CASELOTTI.

BOOK

Adriana’s parents had died of the first known case of Vague Disney Parent Death Syndrome, leaving her evil stepmother Queen Lucille La Verne in charge. Lucille made Adriana dress in rags and labor in the castle as a servant, and between that and her being orphaned, you can imagine what a depressed and traumatized wreck she must be...

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

(smiling beatifically)

Tra-la-la, le-da-de-da! Oh what a beautiful day, la laaaa!! Sorry if you wanted a protagonist who actually feels ways about things, I guess interesting characters are one of the things we cut to save money.

(to the tune of “I’m wishing”)

I’m boring!

I’m opaque as hell

I’m dreary!

I suck!

I’m nothing!

I’m the blankest slate

Want substance?

Tough luck!

HARRY STOCKWELL

(joining in)

Tough luck!

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Oh how fun, a complete stranger has infiltrated the palace grounds and ambushed me! What a delightful turn of events, tra la la!

HARRY STOCKWELL

I’m a prince from another kingdom! I was just passing by your castle, without any retinue, for... some reason... wait what am I doing here? Am I a visiting dignitary? A spy? Who knows?

(shrugs)

Anyway I just heard your singing, and was so enchanted I just had to breach the palace walls to meet you! And I can look past your rags - rags that have puffy sleeves like a bridesmaid’s dress, which is certainly a choice - to see your true beauty! Oh, that stilted rotoscoped movement! Oh, those dropped frames! This is what I’m into apparently.

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

We’ve covered this, we get to be lazy since this is the first ever animated feature.

HARRY STOCKWELL

The first? What about El Apóstol, or Vida y Milagros de Don Fausto, or The Adventures of Prince Achmed, or-

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

FIRST. EVER. ANIMATED. FEATURE.

We pan away to LUCILLE LA VERNE watching them from a castle window, and as we follow her into the room, let’s assume that ADRIANA and HENRY spend the next five hours talking at length about all their hopes and fears and life experiences and forming a deep spiritual bond, otherwise the ending of this movie is just STUPID.

LUCILLE LA VERNE

(to her mirror)

Magic mirror on the wall - yes, MAGIC mirror, not mirror mirror, you Mandela-addled philistines - anyway, I want to ask you something.

MIRRORNI OLSEN

Ah, a magic seeing device which can tell you true things from around the world, what a valuable thing for a monarch to have. What do you want to know? Court intrigue? Enemy military strategy? International investment opportunities?

LUCILLE LA VERNE

Don’t you think I’m, like, just the prettiest around?

MIRRORNI OLSEN

...That’s what you’re...? Okay, well don’t shoot the messenger, but you really aren’t pulling off that weird semi-balaclava thing so you’ve slipped in the rankings. Now Adriana is number one.

LUCILLE LA VERNE

ADRIANA?!? WELL IN THAT CASE SHE MUST DIE!!!

MIRRORNI OLSEN

(sighs)

You know, there are perfectly sound political reasons that an evil regent might decide to off the heir to the throne right before she comes of age. Going with this “Dumb bitch thinks she’s all that” motivation is actually kind of insulting to the both of you.

(pause)

Come to think of it, if we’re going with the petty jealousy thing, what purpose does it serve for Adriana to be the princess at all? Wouldn’t it be more compelling if she were just some random peasant who was now being hunted by the crown just for the crime of having a pretty face?

LUCILLE LA VERNE

Maybe, but Walt reckons that princesses are gonna be huge for our brand, and you know how that guy is when it comes to sniffing out a buck.

MIRRORNI OLSEN

Fair enough. So you’ll send the sheriff or the captain of the guard or the master of spies or something to bring her in for execution, then?

LUCILLE LA VERNE

I don’t think we have any of those. We have a guy who goes into the woods to shoot arrows at small animals, let’s use him.

MIRRORNI OLSEN

Okay, is this even a kingdom?

EXT. FOREST

The PRINCESS is escorted out to the FOREST by the local ANIMAL KILLING EXPERT, which is not at all a DEEPLY SUSPICIOUS THING TO HAPPEN.

STUART BUCHANAN

Hmm, turns out that a knack for shooting boars doesn’t translate into a willingness to cut the heart out of a teenage girl, surprisingly enough. Don’t worry, Adriana, I’ll help you find a place to lay low for a while chase you off into the dense forest to fend for yourself. I’m sure you’ll have the resourcefulness to survive in the wilderness.

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

(getting tangled in every bit of foliage)

EEEEK, a TREEEEEE!! Oh NOOO, some SHRUUUUBS!! Oh dear GOOOOD, IT’S A P-P-P-POOOOOOONNNND!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

STUART BUCHANAN

Yeah, she’ll be fine.

ADRIANA stumbles, staggers and falls her way deeper and deeper into the WOODS, continuing to have a TOTAL MENTAL BREAKDOWN. But then a bunch of CUDDLY CRITTERS show up to greet her!

CRITTERS

Oh wow, look at this lady! We instantly love you, lady! We would do anything for you! What are our orders, tell us what you desire oh magnificent one

(prostrate themselves)

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Oh thank goodness, the fauna around here is almost disquietingly nice to me! Unlike that stupid flora. FUCK YOU, FLORA!

FLORA

(grasping at her with branch-claws)

FUCK YOU RIGHT BACK YOU DAFT COW!!

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Anyway, I’m instantly not scared anymore, or stressed out, or even mildly perturbed! In fact we’re already done with my darkest hour and I won’t even be unhappy ever again in this movie! Slightly dead at one point, but never unhappy!

(to the tune of “With a Smile and a Song”)

In fact I’ll sing a song!

Though I’m homeless and sentenced to die

I’ll not frown or sigh

I’ll just laugh and sing!

Everything’s gone all wrong!

Though you’d think I might fret just a bit

I don’t give a shit

Them’s the breaks, whatevs!

(pause)

Although I probably need some kind of shelter so as to not die.

CRITTERS

Aha, we understand this request and happen to know of a dwelling in this vicinity! FOLLOW US, OUR BELOVED MISTRESS!

INT. COTTAGE

The CRITTERS guide ADRIANA to a charming little COTTAGE.

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Oh would you look at this place! A cabin in an isolated corner of the woods, inside there’s chaos and debris all over, somebody’s forcefully driven a pickaxe into the dining table, yup, this sure doesn’t seem like the exact kind of place where teenage girls in movies get murdered! I should clean up. Animal peons, you’ll help me out with some free labor, yeah?

CRITTERS

Anything you want, Adriana! We would die for you! We would KILL for you! TELL US WHO TO KILL ADRIANA

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Lovely!

(starts tidying)

This will make the whole violating-the-sanctity-of-their-home thing kosher, I’m sure. A person might get upset if they get home and find a stranger had bust in, but they surely will calm down when they see I also moved all their stuff!

(to the tune of “Whistle While You Work”)

This is where I’ll lurk!

La-de-da-de-da-de-da!

They’ll forgive me

This B&E

If I pick up a broom!

This is where I’ll lurk!

Doot-de-doodle-doodle-dee!

Just act the maid

And home invading

Scores you a free room!

Perhaps I should’ve tried

To wait for them outside

If they’ve got Castle Doctrine here

I might become a homicide

But this is where I’ll lurk!

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na!

I’ll sweep and dust

And blindly trust

That they won’t go berserk!

They get the house clean, then ADRIANA goes to sleep in several of the beds. Then in stroll ROY ATWELL, PINTO COLVIG, OTIS HARLAN, SCOTTY MATTRAW, BILLY GILBERT, PINTO COLVIG AGAIN, and EDDIE COLLINS, who apparently voices the guy who NEVER SPEAKS, and no don’t ask me how the fuck that’s supposed to work.

ROY ATWELL

Well would you look at this! We seven men have all come home to find some attractive teenage girl is laying on our bed. Huh, we’re really making the setup easy for those folks who churn out porn parodies.

DWARFS FROM THE PORN PARODY

(to the tune of “Heigh Ho”)

Hi, ho!

Hi, ho!

How many can you blow?

Get out of bed

And give us head

Hi-

ROY ATWELL

OKAY THANK YOU THAT WAS NOT INTENDED AS AN IMPROV PROMPT, Jesus. Anyway, hello, Adriana! We’re seven new characters all being introduced at once in this ninety-minute cartoon, so we can really only afford to do one basic character trait each.

(pointing to dwarfs)

We’ve got a happy guy, we’ve got an angry guy. We’ve got a smart guy, we’ve got a dumb guy. We’ve got, let’s see, a shy guy? Uh, this is getting hard... what if one was real tired all the time, and the other... uhhmmmm... oh! He sneezes.

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

That’s a personality? He... sneezes?

ROY ATWELL

Yeah, the guy has bad hay fever or some shit, that’s it, that’s his entire deal. Look, it is what it is, none of us really stands out anyway except for the moron and the asshole.

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Okay then, nice to meet you all! I was thinking, you seem to live in a bit of a rundown hovel. Can I squat here if I make conditions halfway livable?

ROY ATWELL

You’ve got a deal! And with a total of two rooms in the entire house, let’s be sure to never adequately explain the sleeping arrangements.

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Great! Now I’ll cook you boys something to eat, if you’ll just scrub up for dinner!

The DWARFS go to WASH UP for DINNER.

PINTO COLVIG

Wait, we do? There’s a whole scene here just about us washing up for a meal?

ROY ATWELL

There’s a whole SONG about us washing up for a meal! Look, this studio is finding out that coming up with more than six or seven minutes worth of story is really hard, so about four-fifths of this thing is timewasting bullshit that doesn’t advance the plot at all. Just roll with it!

(to the tune of “Bluddle-Uddle-Uddle-Um”)

Do any old thing

No answer’s wrong

Just do pointless gags

And sing pointless songs

Let’s stretch out the runtime

To ninety minutes long

Yes let’s pad!

PAD!

P-A-A-A-A-D!

(pause)

And sorry to anybody fans of “The Silly Song” out there, but we’re not doing that one unless you want a whole other bunch of lyrics about wasting the audience’s time with random nonsense.

PINTO COLVIG

All right then, let the parade of inconsequential mundane events begin!

And so it goes. The DWARFS go TO AND FROM WORK while ADRIANA cooks their meals, washes their clothes, gives them affectionate little kiss-goodbyes, for a WHILE.

OTIS HARLAN

Say Adriana, not to rush you or anything, but do you have a next move plotted out? You know, for dealing with Lucille?

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Who? Oh yeah, the wicked witch who destroyed my family, usurped my throne, forced me into servitude, and most recently tried to have me killed! In all honesty I seem to have no opinion about her. I only ever mention her like twice; it’s not entirely clear if we’ve even met.

(smiles)

Besides, I’m far too preoccupied with daydreaming about Harry, the great eternal love of my life! You know, that guy I met for part of an afternoon.

PINTO COLVIG

Okay, that’s a clearcut aspiration at least! So what are you going to do? How do you plan on getting in contact with him?

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Ha ha ha, “do”? I don’t really “do” things, plot just sort of happens to me. So I figure I’ll chill here until Harry stumbles upon my location, then he can just pick me up like one would pick up a can of spinach at the supermarket.

BILLY GILBERT

You’re waiting for HIM to find YOU? Lady, you’re in the ass-end of nowhere, while his house is visible from fifty miles in every direction. I feel like you’re doing this backwards.

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Sure, I could go seek audience with him, maybe even get his army to kill that witch I don’t care about. But I’m supposed to conform to 1937’s idea of the feminine ideal, which basically amounts to looking pretty, always smiling, and never leaving the house.

(smiles)

Yeah, this is not going to age well.

(to the tune of “Someday My Prince Will Come”)

Someday this will seem dumb

Me sitting with my thumb

Up my ass while I wait for some guy

To collect me as he wanders by

Someday us girls will be

Allowed some agency

But for now I’ll sit

And simply do jack shit

Someday this will seem dumb!

INT. MIRROR ROOM

Elsewhere, LUCILLE decides that it’s about time that some PLOT was actually allowed to happen again.

LUCILLE LA VERNE

So how’s the ranking looking now? There’s not a scullery maid with a flattering new haircut that I have to kill or anything?

MIRRORNI OLSEN

It’s still Adriana! That random royal employee didn’t feel like murdering anybody, so she's still alive.

LUCILLE LA VERNE

What? Then whose heart did I eat?! UGH!! Fine then, I’ll just magically disguise myself, then trick her into eating a poisoned apple that will put her into a Sleeping Death.

MIRRORNI OLSEN

Hey, you know what might work even better? A Non-Sleeping Death. Like a regular Death death. I hear they also have poisons which can do that.

LUCILLE LA VERNE

No, it’ll be fine! The only cure for Sleeping Death would be love’s true kiss, and since they’ll think she’s dead they’ll just bury her! Nobody’s weird enough to just put a dead body on display forever. And even if they did, what kind of sick fuck would make out with a corpse? It’s foolproof!

MIRRORNI OLSEN

Fun fact, regular death doesn't have ANY cure. It's death. You sure you don't want to consider that option?

LUCILLE LA VERNE

Hush you, I have to make my disguise potion. I’ll just pour in a bunch of really abstract-sounding ingredients, then get some lightning to come in the window and mix it for me.

MIRRORNI OLSEN

You can CONTROL LIGHTNING?! What the HELL are you futzing around with poisoned apples for then?

LUCILLE drinks the POTION, which completely alters her appearance, including magically changing her outfit, which seems like overkill.

LUCILLE LA CRONE

EHHH-HEH-HEH-HEH! Look at me now, insane eyes, serial killer smile, clawlike hands, dressed in all black, it’s the perfect disguise for making Adriana trust me! Away I go!

INT. COTTAGE

ADRIANA is merrily doing something VAPID when LUCILLE appears in her doorway.

LUCILLE LA CRONE

Hi there! I’m a traveling apple saleswoman, selling apples here in the middle of a forest! I have a magic apple which grants wishes, which should therefore be the most valuable object in the world, but I’ll let you have it for free! Doesn’t this all sound so plausible?

CRITTERS

Oh SHIT, look out Adriana, she’s evil! Hey, Adriana, hey!! Shit, she’s bizarrely indifferent to our collective freakout. We better all charge in this giant open window and trample those apples into paste go to the mines to get the dwarfs, hoping that Lucille takes at least ten minutes or so to get to the evil stuff!

(depart)

LUCILLE LA CRONE

So just take a bite of this apple and you’ll be able to have your heart’s desire, be it freeing your people from a mad tyrant, or more likely just that your boyfriend shows up.

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

(gasps)

You mean I could bring Harry here, thus actually affecting the plot? It’d be like being a real protagonist! GIMME!

(bites apple)

(comatose)

Too late, the DWARFS arrive.

ROY ATWELL

YOU BITCH, LUCILLE! That tears it, we’re gonna force you to wear red-hot iron shoes and then dance yourself to death!

PINTO COLVIG

We’re gonna fucking what did you say?

ROY ATWELL

What? That’s what those fucked-in-the-head Grimm Brothers wrote.

LUCILLE LA CRONE

Mwa ha haaaa, you fool, there’s no way Disney would allow any of their sympathetic characters to dispatch the villain with violence! So unless the universe itself suddenly decides it hates me and deus ex machinas me to death, I’ll just

(struck by lightning)

(falls off cliff)

(crushed by boulder)

(impact of boulder opens previously-concealed crevice, causing Lucille to fall another four hundred feet)

(tectonic plates shift, venting superheated magma into crevice, converting what remains of Lucille into a fine ash)

(ashes explode for some reason)

ROY ATWELL

Poor dead Adriana! I suppose there’s only one thing to do: display her forever in a glass case so that everybody can see what a pretty corpse she left.

(pause)

There is no comical exaggeration in that. That’s straight-up what happens. Are we psychopaths?

Months pass, with nobody getting suspicious somehow of the fact that ADRIANA is not starting to turn RANCID. Then HARRY shows up.

HARRY STOCKWELL

Poor dead Adriana! I did somehow locate you in the middle of nowhere, but I’m too late!

(twiddles thumbs awkwardly)

I don’t suppose... I mean, this is gonna sound a little loopy, but, would it be all right if I, uh... opened up her coffin so that I can make out a little bit with her dead body?

ROY ATWELL

(shrugs)

Knock yourself out. Mishandling corpses seems to be the style around these parts.

HARRY kisses ADRIANA, and she instantly REVIVES!

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

Oh wow! I wished for Harry to show up, bit the apple, blacked out for a bit, and now he’s here! That sweet old lady sure did me a solid! Considering I take off before the dwarfs can explain what actually happened, presumably this is what I wind up believing forever.

HARRY sweeps her into his arms and they both ride off to live happily ever after in his CASTLE.

PINTO COLVIG

Hey wait! What about your own kingdom? It’s currently leaderless! Don’t you want to go take things in hand before they descend into civil war over there?

ADRIANA CASELOTTI

I honestly don’t seem to give a flying fuck about any of that, byeeee!!!

PINTO COLVIG

Wow. She really is a useless twit.

CRITTERS

THEM’S FIGHTING WORDS!

(attack dwarfs)

END.