The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. PHILADELPHIA
SYLVESTER STALLONE walks around with BURT YOUNG, whining incessantly about his dead wife, who refused to appear in the movie and thus was written out.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Yo, I've been thinking about making another Rocky movie.
BURT YOUNG
Jesus, really? You're way too old, who would take that seriously?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Easy fix. I'll just make the movie about how Rocky is way too old and nobody takes him seriously. I have to do this, I have a lot of stuff in the basement.
BURT YOUNG
Like, emotions?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
No, I've been selling old junk out of my basement on eBay. I need to be in a movie that actually makes some money.
SYLVESTER walks around the restaurant he owns, pestering people endlessly and telling stories of his glory days.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Look what a nice guy I am. Everyone loves a washed-up boxer.
RESTAURANT PATRON
That's right, nothing builds an appetite like hearing about when you got your face all smashed up and bloodied.
ESPN uses a computer to generate a fight between STALLONE and the current champ, ANTONIO TARVER. STALLONE visits his son, MILO VENTIMIGLIA.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Yo, this computer on TV generated an entire fight between me and Antonio and I won. It made me do a lot of thinkin'.
MILO VENTIMIGLIA
About what? Obviously not "how computers work in real life" since you're writing this.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
No, I think I'm going to fight him.
MILO VENTIMIGLIA
Are we really expected to believe there's a single boxer in the world who would actually think fighting a senior citizen would help his career?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
I dunno, are we really expected to believe that a bunch of people with super powers would basically do nothing week after week until the season ends anti-climactically?
SYLVESTER visits a bar and finds GERALDINE HUGHES.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
I remember you. You're that little girl I met. Do you remember what you said to me?
GERALDINE HUGHES
Stop making Rocky movies?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
No, you said that if I've got fight left in me, I have to fight.
GERALDINE HUGHES
What? I didn't say that.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Yeah well, my memory isn't so great since I'm ridiculously fucking old. Seriously, I can't believe I got to make this movie.
SYLVESTER begins training. We are treated to a montage that includes scenes of SYLVESTER building muscle, doing pull-ups, and boxing meat. It doesn't include scenes of SYLVESTER rubbing Preparaton H on himself, complaining about the prices of things, and eating dinner at 4:00.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
I'm ready!
BURT YOUNG
How do you figure?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Because Antonio has never actually been punched!
BURT YOUNG
Right. Because he instantly knocks out his opponents. His young opponents. The ones who don't have wrinkled balls.
SYLVESTER and ANTONIO fight! SYLVESTER doesn't get killed!
SYLVESTER STALLONE
I survived! That's kind of like winning!
MILO VENTIMIGLIA
I'm so proud of you for not being slaughtered!
GERALDINE HUGHES
Truly you bring hope to everyone! In America, you CAN make a 6th sequel almost 20 years later!
BURT YOUNG
Yeah, what's next, another Rambo movie? Hah!
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Great idea!
It's NOT.
END