FADE IN:

EXT. THAILAND

SYLVESTER STALLONE catches snakes with his bare hands and fishes with an archery set.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

If there's time, I'd like to also show me hunting tigers with nunchucks.

STALLONE grunts his way through his village, when suddenly he is confronted by PAUL SCHULZE.

PAUL SCHULZE

Hello Sylvester. We're Christian missionaries from Colorado, because the only time anyone mentions Colorado in a movie is when a bunch of fundamentalist Christians live there.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(grunt)

PAUL SCHULZE

I'm the leader. Just to save you the trouble of being driven crazy for the entire movie, I'm the guy Jack Bauer had to shoot in the head on 24.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

What do you want from me, besides the delightful sounds of my incessant grunting?

PAUL SCHULZE

I want you to take us up the Salween River, so that we can distribute medicine and bibles.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

No.

JULIE BENZ

What if I ask you? I'm the woman of the group, and no man can resist the seductive charms of a frigid, uptight Christian woman saving herself for marriage.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

No.

(pause)

Okay.

STALLONE takes the CHRISTIAN MISSIONARIES up the river. Suddenly, their boat is attacked by PIRATES.

PAUL SCHULZE

Oh no! As a whiny pussy little liberal, I'm incapable of doing the slightest thing to defend myself and ensure my own survival! I hope a warmongering conservative with a silly name will save me!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Mitt Romney?

PAUL SCHULZE

No, you. Save us, Rambo!

STALLONE kills the PIRATES until they are DEADER THAN SHIT. We watch some more boating up the river for a while, and eventually the CHRISTIANS are dropped off in BURMA.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Ah, nothing says entertainment like watching someone drive a boat for half an hour. I guess I'll head back now.

EXT. BURMA

The MISSIONARIES hand out bandages and bibles.

PAUL SCHULZE

I'm so glad we didn't listen to Stallone when he told us this place was dangerous. He doesn't understand how rewarding missionary work is. Look at how much we're helping these people.

JULIE BENZ

Absolutely. If there's one thing that a third world country in the middle of a violent civil war needs more of, it's religion.

Suddenly, the BURMESE GOVERNMENT arrives and starts killing indiscriminately.

RANDOM VILLAGER

Oh no! We are being mercilessly slaughtered by evildoers! If only one of us were to rise up and fight against this oppression! A Karen army-of-one that would single-handedly bring us hope and serve as a symbol of our strength and pride!

(pause)

Failing that, a geriatric American would do quite nicely as well!

The MAXIMALLY EVIL BAD GUY in charge of being evil, who is so evil he doesn't even get subtitles, manages to accidentally kill exactly none of the MISSIONARIES, and takes them hostage so they can be rescued later.

Meanwhile...

EXT. THAILAND

SYLVESTER STALLONE is back to work, lifting cars with his toes and blacksmithing random metal objects using his balls. KEN HOWARD enters.

KEN HOWARD

Hello. I'm a preacher from Colorado. I understand you delivered my missionaries to the jaws of death. I've hired mercenaries to go get them back. Will you take them up the river and kick some ass? I know it's been a long time, but do you think you're up for another mindless, violent movie?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

When you're pushed, killin's as easy as breathin'.

KEN HOWARD

I would actually imagine that breathing is pretty hard for someone your age.

STALLONE meets up with a bunch of ANNOYING MERCENARIES.

GRAHAM MCTAVISH

I'm an insufferable asshole for no reason whatsoever! So what's our mission? I hope it involves being a douchebag, because I rape puppies when it comes to being a douchebag! Har har har!

MATTHEW MARSDEN

We're going to go help the Karen resistance movement against the Burmese government.

GRAHAM MCTAVISH

Sounds boring, mate! Fuck all that! What the fuck do I care about the mass genocide going on in Burma?

MATTHEW MARSDEN

Uh, there's a blonde, white woman that may die if we don't help.

GRAHAM MCTAVISH

A blonde white woman? Well why didn't you say so?! Let's go!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

To the Ramboat!

EXT. BURMA - PRISONER CAMP

STALLONE, GRAHAM, MATTHEW, and SOME FUTURE CORPSES attempt to rescue the MISSIONARIES.

Eventually they are DISCOVERED, which leads to a very long violence sequence.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Matthew, grab your sniper rifle and aim for the balloons filled with red corn syrup on top of their necks!

MATTHEW and STALLONE shoot the MOTHER FUCKING SHIT out of MOTHER FUCKING EVERYONE.

All bullets have the power to sever limbs and decapitate people.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

IDDQD. IDKFA.

STALLONE kills almost everyone, but kills the meanest bad guys in particularly gruesome ways. The MAXIMALLY EVIL BAD GUY tries to escape, but STALLONE kills him in the most violent way possible.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Fuck yeah, bloodlust! Violence is totally cool when used against people who used violence before I did!

JULIE BENZ

Thanks for saving me, but isn't it kind of ridiculous to be decrying violence while simultaneously celebrating it?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Not at all. This is more than a mindless action flick. This is a very serious dramatic movie about a real-life tragedy. It just happens to have a 30-minute cartoon tacked onto the end.

JULIE BENZ

Really? It just seems like a cynical use of real events as a generic backdrop for a throwback to the self-indulgent action flicks of the 1980's.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Would it help if I dedicated the movie to the brave people of Burma before the closing credits?

JULIE BENZ

I wouldn't if I were you. Remember, you tried that for Rambo III and wound up accidentally dedicating the movie to Osama Bin Laden.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Oh right. Well, I guess it's time to go start work on the screenplay to Tango & Cash 2. Should I call it "Raymond Tango" or "Gabriel Cash"?

END