FADE IN:

INT. SOME SCHOOL - LONDON

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS walks around being ENGLISH for a while.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

This is a story about a parallel world. It is very much like your world, though different enough that the movie qualifies as "fantasy film" rather than "stupid movie made by someone who doesn't understand physics."

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

For example, in this world roles that normally go to Dakota FANNING go to me.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Also, people carry their souls around in animals called "demons."

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Yes. Every single person is born with a talking animal who shares their personality. You kinda have to wonder if beastiality is a major problem for this society.

DAKOTA hides in a closet and watches her uncle, DANIEL CRAIG, interact with a member of the MAGISTERIUM.

DANIEL CRAIG

Oh, the Magisterium. You guys must be the symbol of religion that religious folks are all pissed off about.

SIMON MCBURNEY

Actually, in the movie we're just a symbol of conformity and blind obedience.

DANIEL CRAIG

Er, so organizations like the Catholic League saw conformity and blind obedience, then decided it must represent their religion?

SIMON MCBURNEY

Yeah. Kinda telling, huh?

DANIEL proceeds to vanish from the movie almost entirely. NICOLE KIDMAN convinces DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS to live with her without consulting her uncle, which nobody seems to mind.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

I hate it here. I love to express myself and exercise my free will, but you like to impose rules. You're evil.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Either that, or I'm an adult, and you're a fucking child.

DAKOTA escapes and is abducted by a bunch of scary-looking hobos, except they're the GOOD GUYS.

JOHN FAA

Welcome. We'll take care of you, because the story needs a group of characters to take care of you.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Great, maybe you can tell me how to work this golden compass I have.

JOHN FAA

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Characters are trying to kill you for that thing. You just met us, why are you telling us about that? Are you stupid?

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Kind of. How do I work it?

JOHN FAA

To ask a question, point the three hands at three random symbols on the compass. The symbols are irrelevant, because the important thing is that you picture the question in your mind. Then the fourth hand will move to answer your question, except it is also irrelevant because what will happen is that you will get a vision of the answer.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Great. Well what kind of question should I ask my golden 8-ball, er, compass?

JOHN FAA

Ask it how much longer this fucking movie is.

Meanwhile, NICOLE KIDMAN abducts children to steal their souls with the help of GOBBLERS, because "GOBLINS" is copyrighted or something.

DAKOTA travels toward the ARCTIC and runs into SAM ELLIOTT.

SAM ELLIOTT

Howdy, partner. I reckon you're a-heading on up to the arctic.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Ugh, you're in this movie? Do you even consider yourself an actor?

SAM ELLIOTT

I reckon not. I also reckon you ought'a be getting yourself an armored polar bear. Reckon.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Armored polar bears? Did Philip Pullman just show up last to call dibs on fantasy story elements?

DAKOTA tries to convince POLAR BEAR IAN MCKELLEN to help her on her mission to do whatever it is she's trying to do.

POLAR BEAR IAN MCKELLEN

Roar! Why should I help some little girl? Roar!

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Dude... I'm a young orphan that lives under the care of her uncle who tries to prevent her from going on wild adventures to save the world until one day she acquires a mystical object, meets a wise older man that helps her understand the object, enlists the help of a cowboy-type person, and tries to understand a magical force that is present in all life.

(pause)

The only thing missing is Chewbacca, so pack your stuff and let's go.

POLAR BEAR IAN MCKELLEN

Fine, but only if you help me kill the king of Polar Bear Village. By killing the king, I become the new king until someone kills me.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Wow, bear society kind of sucks. Can we just skip over that part since it has absolutely nothing at all to do with the stupid plot of the movie?

POLAR BEAR IAN MCKELLEN

No. Sadly, it's the best part of the film.

DAKOTA approaches POLAR BEAR IAN MCSHANE sitting in his throne. The AUDIENCE momentarily steps back from the context of the movie to realize they are watching a FUCKING POLAR BEAR sitting on a FUCKING THRONE, holy FUCK.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Hello. I'm going to outsmart you now, since I am such a precocious, clever child.

POLAR BEAN IAN MCSHANE

Precocious? I'm a polar bear. Do you know what it takes to outsmart a bear? Anything that isn't another bear. God damn.

POLAR BEAR IAN MCKELLEN wins and becomes the new king! He then leaves to continue helping DAKOTA.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

So you just waltzed into bear land, assassinated the king, became the new king, then left your subjects behind without saying a word? Wow, bear society really sucks a lot.

DAKOTA AND IAN come to a bridge made of ICE.

POLAR BEAR IAN MCKELLEN

I don't think the bridge will hold us both together. You cross first.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Doesn't that mean that if it's unstable, it'll first break with me under it? And since I can't continue on without you, what's the point in me crossing and then having the bridge collapse under you, stranding me in the middle of the arctic without a ride?

POLAR BEAR IAN MCKELLEN

Don't worry, I have a hunch that if I fell down that enormous gaping chasm, I'd simply come back to life in the next movie with whiter fur and more powerful magic.

She crosses, but the bridge collapses and she's forced to enter the enemy base alone.

INT. BAD GUY LAIR

BAD GUYS wearing COSTUMES THAT DON'T FIT WITH THE REST OF THE MOVIE try to separate DAKOTA from her daemon using a weak chainlink fence. For some reason, DAKOTA doesn't realize she can just stick her fingers out to the side of her cage to stay in contact with her daemon.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Dakota! I will rescue you from this embarrassingly stupid plot device!

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Why?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Daniel Craig never told you what happened to your mother, did he? Dakota, *I* am your mother.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!

NICOLE KIDMAN

Search your golden compass, you know it to be true! Join me, and together we will rule the universe as father and so... er, mother and daughter. Heh.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

I'll never join you. And this movie is very original.

She escapes and frees all the children that have been kidnapped. A bunch of guards surround them outside.

GUARD

There is no escape. We will set our wolf pets to agressive mode as soon as we finish feeding them so that they become happy and do 125% damage.

Suddenly, POLAR BEAR IAN MCKELLEN shows up to deflect the wolf attack and kick some ass.

GUARD

What the hell? How did a fucking bear sneak right up in front of me without being noticed?

(dies)

A huge battle ensues between the bears and a bunch of guards. Oh, and witches - why not? And the witches have, oh, let's say bows and arrows.

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

I sure hope we're winning. I can't tell, because utterly inept director Chris Weitz has decided to shoot the finale of the movie in the damn dark.

They eventually WIN! The movie runs out of film and stops suddenly.

FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS

This story was written by an atheist! We must boycott this movie! Atheists should not be allowed to write children's stories!

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Aren't you the same people who yell about being persecuted for your beliefs every time the government refuses to teach intelligent design in schools or post the 10 commandments in a court?

FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS

Yes, but that's different. This movie has atheist themes and promotes atheism through allegory! It's a dirty, insidious way to indoctrinate children into a line of thinking!

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Then is it safe to assume you guys also boycotted christian allegory Chronicles of Narnia, written by well-known christian apologist C.S. Lewis?

FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS

That's totally different, that's about Jesus.

(pause)

This movie might make children want to read the source material, which would mean they are reading books that aren't the Bible. Therefore, it must be avoided at all costs!

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Isn't it enough to avoid it because it sucks monkey dicks?

DAKOTA asks her compass what tomorrows lottery numbers will be and retires from making godawful fantasy movies.

END