The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. CAREER EXPO - MIT
COLIN FARRELL enters and shows off some elite hacker skillz.
COLIN FARRELL
I am extremely intelligent, but not in a nerdy way, in that hyper-cool smart-but-I-can-kick-your-ass underachiever kinda way.
AL PACINO
You're perfect material for the CIA. As it turns out, the CIA is not a group of conservative professional types, it's a ragtag group of edgy misfits.
COLIN FARRELL
I think I'll pass, I've been in like fifty movies this month, let someone else be your recruit.
AL PACINO
If you join, I can forever tease you by never telling you about your dead CIA agent father.
COLIN FARRELL
Oh, well, if there's absolutely nothing in it for me, count me in.
INT. CIA TRAINING FACILITY
COLIN FARRELL excels in everything he does, which doesn't so much make him look good as it makes everyone else look incompetent.
AL PACINO
Welcome to the CIA. We will train you in bizarre, clever ways that will make you all say "Wow, CIA training is so totally cool."
COLIN FARRELL
What will be our first exercise
AL PACINO
You must go into a bar and find an easy girl who will sleep with you. If you need help, try "Hi! I'm Big Brother, and I've been watching you!" - that's a good one.
AUDIENCE
Wow, CIA training is so totally cool.
COLIN FARRELL attempts to pick up a chick, but stops when he sees fellow CIA trainee BRIDGET MOYNAHAN is drunk.
BRIDGET MOYNAHAN
Truly, you have a heart of gold, Colin Farrell.
COLIN FARRELL
Pacino! I got a girl who's about to pass out, does that count?
AL PACINO
Actually no. See, her mission was to stop you from having sex.
COLIN FARRELL
Damn! Just like in real life!
AL PACINO
Everything is a test, Colin. Nothing is what it seems in the CIA. Especially the muffins - they're all fat free.
Suddenly, COLIN FARRELL is abducted and tortured.
COLIN'S CAPTORS
Tell us who you work for or we will continue beating you.
COLIN FARRELL
I know this is a test, as it has been beaten into my head that everything is a test.
COLIN'S CAPTORS
Here are Bridget Moynahan's urine-soaked pants. We have killed her.
COLIN FARRELL
Despite having no more reason to believe you than the audience, I will suddenly buckle under the pressure, despite the fact that even if I believed you, I'd have no reason to tell you anything since you already killed my love interest.
He BUCKLES.
AL PACINO
Sorry Colin, you just aren't going to be allowed to finish training here.
COLIN FARRELL
Fine. Can I keep Bridget's pants?
AL PACINO
I've got an even better deal than that. How about you work exclusively for me against Bridget after I insist that she is a mole.
COLIN FARRELL
I will take your offer, operating on the assumption that everything is as it seems.
The AUDIENCE members slap themselves on the forehead.
AL PACINO
Welcome to the CIA, Colin. Within days, you will find out nothing about your father.
COLIN FARRELL
Boy, I'm so excited! Working for the CIA is going to be so thrilling!
AL PACINO
You think so? Have you seen the poster for this movie? We look like we're about to fall asleep.
COLIN chases after BRIDGET some more.
BRIDGET MOYNAHAN
Now that I no longer see you as an advesary, I am free to fall in love with you. When your belief that I died reduced to a quivering, sobbing shred of a human being, I fell head over heels.
COLIN FARRELL
Let's fuck.
They FUCK. COLIN leaves when they are finished, a sure-fire way to get on a girl's good side. He meets up with AL PACINO.
COLIN FARRELL
There, I fucked her. Mission accomplished.
AL PACINO
That was the mission from earlier in the movie! You're supposed to hack her computer to figure out if she's stealing CIA files.
COLIN FARRELL
Oh, that's all? What operating system does she run?
AL PACINO
I dunno, some weird-looking thing that requires you to constantly type C code in order to accomplish even the most menial task.
COLIN FARRELL
Linux.
He HAX0RZ BRIDGET and sees that she is stealing files from the CIA.
AL PACINO
Uh oh, the third act has arrived. Well, as it turns out, all the bad guys are actually good and all the good guys are actually bad.
COLIN FARRELL
Holy shit! Truly, in the CIA, nothing is as it seems. Particularly when the screenwriters utterly lack even the smallest shred of originality.
AL PACINO begins speaking like a psychotic lunatic.
AL PACINO
Nothing I say from this point on makes any sense. It's amazing that someone as utterly insane as me was able to fool an entire organization whose name has the word Intelligence in the title.
COLIN FARRELL outwits AL PACINO. AL PACINO is KILLED by the REAL GOOD GUYS.
CIA SUPERVISOR
Good work, Colin Farrell. Without you, we never would have located the celebrity mole.
COLIN FARRELL
Does this mean I can be in the CIA again?
CIA SUPERVISOR
Ha ha! Of course not! You didn't figure out Pacino was the bad guy until the last half hour. People in the audience with brain damage knew it the second time he said that nothing is as it seems. Fuckwit.
END