FADE IN:

EXT. SOME REALLY RICH KID'S HOUSE

TAYLOR LAUTNER attends the type of HIGH SCHOOL PARTY that only exists in HOLLYWOOD MOVIES.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

I rode here on the hood of car traveling 70 mph! Aren't I a total badass? The teenage guys in the audience are gonna eat this shit up!

DENZIL WHITAKER

Are you kidding me? Even a 14-year-old boy would think that's asinine. Besides, you're the dude from Twilight. No guy would come anywhere near this movie. Who thought you were an action star? You should be in some weepy Nicolas Sparks piece of shit with Taylor Swift.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Um, is your name really Denzil Whitaker?

DENZIL WHITAKER

Shut up before we start calling you Shia Efron. Now, as the only black character in this movie, let me establish myself immediately as a criminal with easy access to fake IDs and handguns.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hey, I bet both of those things will come in handy before the end of the movie. It sure is convenient to know black people.

LILY COLLINS'S EYEBROWS arrive at the party, followed shortly by LILY COLLINS herself.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Wow, those eyebrows are the next best thing to Charlie's mustache. I must have her.

LILY COLLINS

I know you to be violent, rash, short-tempered, and altogether unstable. Why on earth would I be interested in you?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Did I mention I look like Taylor Lautner?

LILY COLLINS

(swoons)

EXT. TAYLOR LAUTNER'S BACK YARD

JASON ISAACS beats the living shit out of his son TAYLOR. TAYLOR gets up unbruised.

JASON ISAACS pounds his son TAYLOR with a crowbar until his skull is a bloody mush. TAYLOR gets up unbruised.

JASON ISAACS shoots his son TAYLOR in the face with a shotgun, throws the body into a wood chipper, and feeds the shreds to wild dogs. TAYLOR gets up unbruised.

JASON ISAACS

I think we've firmly established how little this movie cares about the laws of physics and bodily harm. I guess I'll just hide in the garage until it's time for me to die.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Okay. I'm going to work on a school report on lazy plot devices with Lily Collins.

TAYLOR and LILY look up the plot of the movie on IMDB.

LILY COLLINS

It says here your parents aren't really your parents.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Is this true, mom?

MARIO BELLO

Yes, it's true. We took you away from your real father so that maybe we could teach you how to act. Here, watch this.

For a few brief moments, MARIA BELLO gives a shockingly powerful wordless portrayal of a mother whose past web of lies have caught up with her and threaten to tear her entire world apart.

DIRECTOR JOHN SINGLETON

She's acting! Kill her! Kill her now!!!

BAD GUYS break into the house and kill MARIA BELLO. For good measure, they kill JASON ISAACS, too.

DIRECTOR JOHN SINGLETON

That should put a stop to any potentially strong performances.

BAD GUYS

What about Sigourney Weaver?

JOHN SINGLETON borrows LILY'S laptop to look up "Sigourney Weaver" on IMBD.

JOHN SINGLETON

Let's see. In the past 10 years, she's done Heartbreakers, Holes, The Village, Happily N'ever After, Be Kind Rewind, Crazy on the Outside, Baby Mama, Avatar, You Again, Vamps, and Paul. Shit, I guess she can stay.

BAD GUYS

Hey, that's not fair! She's still Sigourney Weaver.

JOHN SINGLETON

Coming up she's in Avatar 2 even though she died in the first one and Ghostbusters 3 without Bill Murray.

BAD GUYS

Okay, okay, I guess she belongs.

SIGOURNEY rescues TAYLOR and LILY from the BAD GUYS and sends them off on their own to an apartment in ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Look in this unlocked desk drawer! It's full of spy stuff and obvious clues! This must be my real dad's home. He's a super spy, and he could totally beat up your dad.

LILY COLLINS

Are you kidding? Even Dora the Explorer could have found that shit in thirty seconds flat. Your dad must be the dumbest spy ever.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Nuh-uh! He's the best! Everyone says so! And I mean everyone. In every scene. All the fucking time.

LILY COLLINS

Are you kidding? He's written an address on a piece of paper and wrapped it around a photo of your real mom. That's not so much a clue as it is stage directions.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hey, I've got an idea. Let's steal my real dad's BMW and go see my mom.

(beat)

BMW, the ultimate driving machine. Attractive lease offers are available. Visit your local BMW dealer today.

EXT. CEMETARY

TAYLOR LAUTNER

The address led me to her tombstone. Look how wounded and sad I am. Would any of the teenage girls in the audience like to comfort me?

LILY COLLINS

Dude, this is a violent shoot-'em-up thriller. No teenage girl would come anywhere near this movie. You should be in some weepy Nicolas Sparks-

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Yeah, yeah. With Taylor Swift. I've heard it.

LILY COLLINS

I was going to say Selena Gomez.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Listen, why don't you go seduce the fat kid at the front desk of the funeral home to find out who sent these fresh flowers to my mother's grave, and I'll call Denzil for some fake IDs and handguns.

INT. DENZIL'S CAR

DENZIL WHITAKER

Thanks for dragging your best friend into life-threatening peril, asshole.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

No problem. Now we're off to Nebraska to find my dad's best friend from the CIA who's been sending flowers to my mom's grave every single week for the past 13 years.

LILY COLLINS

Wow, that's kind of creepy.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

But extremely convenient to keeping the plot moving. Let's go.

INT. AMTRAK TRAIN

A BAD GUY follows TAYLOR and LILY onto the train. After our ATTRACTIVE LEADS make out for a while, he ATTACKS.

TAYLOR starts kicking the shit out of the BAD GUY with the fighting moves he learned from JASON ISAACS.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

I'm kicking the shit out of the bad guy with the fighting moves I learned from Jason Isaacs.

It was not necessary for you to tell us that.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Here's a flashback in case you don't remember what I'm talking about.

Really, that's not necessary.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Also let me narrate the flashback in my head while we fight.

Eventually, the fight scene ENDS. TAYLOR and LILY flee on foot into the woods. By chance, they walk right past CIA agent ALFRED MOLINA, who SIGOURNEY warned them not to trust. They start to RUN.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

You'll never catch us.

ALFRED MOLINA

Yes, we will.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Oh, then fuck it. We give up.

ALFRED takes TAYLOR and LILY to a nice 1950s soda shop.

ALFRED MOLINA

Okay, here's the plot. The bad guys are trying to kidnap you so that your dad will return a list of corrupt CIA agents and politicians that he stole from them.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

My dad...a badass, remorseless, killing machine...will give invaluable information to the world's most evil terrorists just to save a son he abandoned 14 years ago?

ALFRED MOLINA

Apparently, yes. Also, even though the list is electronic, he never thought to duplicate it or email it to anyone even though that would destroy its value to the terrorists and the whole purpose of stealing the list was to get it to the CIA anyway.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Wow, a spy that stupid might leave the list in an unlocked desk drawer in his actual home. Hypothetically.

ALFRED MOLINA

I don't see why not.

Suddenly, the BAD GUYS attack. TAYLOR and LILY escape, only to get a phone call from the main bad guy, MICHAEL NYQVIST.

MICHAEL NYQVIST

I've been eavesdropping on you, and I know you have the list. Bring it to me, or I'll kill Lily's parents.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

How do I know you're really that evil?

MICHAEL NYQVIST

Because I have a "V" right next to "Q" in my name.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Okay, you win! I'll meet you at the Pittsburgh Pirates opening game.

MICHAEL NYQVIST

What an exciting place for a chase scene. I'll see you there.

INT. PIRATES STADIUM

MICHAEL NYQVIST sits down next to TAYLOR at the baseball game. TAYLOR has a gun taped to the bottom of his seat because the metal detectors at the stadium only work on people with scary foreign accents.

MICHAEL NYQVIST

Do you have the list?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Yes.

MICHAEL NYQVIST

Good, because I have your gun.

TAYLOR runs away. Suddenly, his CELL PHONE rings.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hey, a deus ex machina phone call from my dad! He'll solve all my problems for me! What an incredibly satisfying ending!

TAYLOR runs out of the stadium, with MICHAEL NYQVIST following. Suddenly, HIS UNSEEN DAD kills NYQVIST with a sniper's rifle.

ALFRED MOLINA

All right, kid. You may have killed the bad guy, but now you've got to deal with the CIA!

TAYLOR's cell phone rings again.

ALFRED MOLINA

Are you fucking kidding me?

TAYLOR'S UNSEEN DAD arranges for good CIA agents to take the list from TAYLOR instead of ALFRED.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

And I'm going to be your new mom!

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Okay, but don't you think the audience deserves to see who my dad is?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

I don't know. Don't you think the mystery makes him seem more powerful and godlike?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

This isn't fucking allegory. Just show me my dad.

DERMOT MULRONEY is briefly revealed watching his son from behind a crowd of people.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Seriously? The guy from My Best Friend's Wedding?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Yeah, he's this movie's vision of a badass.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

No wonder they thought I was an action star.

NICOLAS SPARKS

It's just a matter of time...

END