FADE IN:

INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING, HAMBURG

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN is a GOVERNMENT AGENT.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

(terrible German accent)

Awesome, a spy movie! Let’s go drive fast cars and seduce dangerous exotic women!

(dons tuxedo, grabs silenced pistol and exploding cigarettes)

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN is a GOVERNMENT AGENT from a JOHN LE CARRE NOVEL.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

...Oh. Fine then, let’s go surveil foreign nationals and make back-alley deals with corrupt assholes.

(dons slept-in suit, grabs paperwork and regular cigarettes)

PHILIP goes to a meeting with CIA AGENT ROBIN WRIGHT and BUREAUCRATIC ASSHOLE RAINER BOCK.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

So somebody reported seeing a Muslim walking down a street, and our vaguely-defined anti-terror unit actually fucking followed up on that. Working from the witness’s snapshot, we found out the guy was convicted Chechnyan terrorist Grigoriy Dobrygin.

RAINER BOCK

Ooh, ooh, our other vaguely-defined anti-terror unit calls dibs! We need to arrest Grigoriy before he can blow up Hamburg with his emaciated hobo powers.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Well gee, we were more thinking that rather than seize the first random footsoldier we see, we could actually monitor him and find out who he works for and what they’re planning. Maybe you skipped that day of spy school? I believe it was day one, lesson one: Obvious Stuff Any Idiot Could Think Of.

ROBIN WRIGHT

Don’t worry, Philip, we at the CIA agree with your level-headed approach and will apply pressure to make sure Grigoriy is not handled roughly. After all, who in a cynical spy drama is more trustworthy and ethical than the good old CIA?

(smiles beatifically)

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

...Right. Note to self: order backstabbing-proof vest IMMEDIATELY.

INT. CHEAP APARTMENT

TAMER YIGIT arrives home to find his wife has let GRIGORIY into their HOUSE.

DERYA ALABORA

Hi honey, this filthy transient helped me carry my shopping so out of gratitude I’m letting him live with us, isn’t that great?

TAMER YIGIT

Dammit Derya, this is just like the time that bag lady gave you directions to the library so you gave her a kidney.

GRIGORIY DOBRYGIN

Say, I don’t suppose that you guys happen to conveniently know any human rights lawyers, do you?

TAMER YIGIT

Of course! Who doesn’t?

They introduce GRIGORIY to lawyer RACHEL MCADAMS.

RACHEL MCADAMS

(awful German accent)

All right, Grigoriy, since you have an easily-proven claim to have been a victim of torture back in Chechnya, I can help you claim asylum and-

GRIGORIY DOBRYGIN

Huh? You mean actually do your job? Fuck that, I want you to talk to banker Willem Dafoe for me so I can access my safe deposit box. That whole “liable to be kicked out of the country at a moment’s notice” thing can just wait.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Oh sure, just have me run random errands for you. Lawyer, helper monkey, same difference.

INT. SPY HEADQUARTERS

PHILIP meets with his ANTI-TERRORIST TEAM.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Now guys, I know we’ve been focusing on Homayoun Ershadi-

NINA HOSS

Ah yes, Homayoun Ershadi, the terrorist-funding charity embezzler. Homayoun Ershadi, whose subplot sits in the background barely moving for most of the movie, but who we mention constantly so that the climax of the film doesn’t seem like something we pulled out of our asses. That Homayoun Ershadi.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Yes, Homayoun Ershadi. Our priority has been getting intel on Homayoun from informant Mehdi Dehbi, but we have to shift our focus to Grigoriy because we don’t know how long Robin can keep Rainer off our backs.

NINA HOSS

According to our sources, Grigoriy is staying with Tamer and Derya and has gotten Rachel to contact Willem for him.

DANIEL BRUHL

Does anybody else feel like this movie has just a smidge of a character surplus?

KOSTJA ULLMANN

Whatever do you mean?

EXT. STREET

PHILIP jumps into WILLEM’S CAR.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

We know Grigoriy’s late father, the evil General Pitr Kilstabovich Bloodmurderov, left Grigoriy a massive inheritance at your bank. Feed us intel on Grigoriy or we’ll go after you for your bank’s various illegal accounts.

WILLEM DAFOE

(crappy German accent)

So you’re saying the German government has known all along that my bank hides money for a grab-bag of international terrorists and war criminals, but up til now they just figured, “Meh, we can let this one slide”?

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Fortunately for me, that seems to be the case. Now put on this wire and go see if you can subtly coax some information from Grigoriy.

WILLEM DAFOE

Okay, how’s this?

(goes confronts Grigoriy)

SCREW YOU, GRIGORIY! By taking your asshat father’s money you’re profiting from death and torture, just like I do every day of my life! Now recount your criminal history to me, you BASTARD FACE.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

...That, wow. That didn’t work. But let’s actually send you back in there despite your having the finesse of a stampeding herd of wildebeest.

WILLEM DAFOE

(goes talks to Rachel this time)

Hey there, tell Grigoriy I’ve generously decided to waive the weirdly aggressive interrogation this time and just let him have his money. Oh and uh,

(winks rapidly)

the government is NOT monitoring Grigoriy’s every move, just so you know. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with a client, Mr. Theysuspectgrigoriyofterrorism, of the firm of Runnaway and Hyde.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Um, with your ass on the line why are you not-so-subtly tipping me off?

WILLEM DAFOE

Because I have guilt issues. And also the hots for you. And a smattering of other half-baked character stuff left over from the book, where I was actually a proper fully-developed protagonist and not some plot-point guy who’s about to basically drop out of the movie for an hour.

(vanishes)

RACHEL grabs GRIGORIY and they make a run for it.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Aw shit! Okay, we know which train station they’re likely to get off at, so even though there are four or five of us in the field I’ll be the one to try and cut them off. On foot. Me, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

He tries to CHASE RACHEL AND GRIGORIY but as they are not ELDERLY or PHYSICALLY IMPAIRED or wearing LEAD BOOTS they are in fact able to outrun PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

And that was our one action scene. Good job, everybody.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Okay, so I’ve stashed Grigoriy in a convenient unoccupied house I happened to have lying around. As for me, the one known associate of the man being hunted by government agents, I will evade them by cleverly going about my life completely as normal.

(abducted)

RACHEL is taken to a FACILITY where PHILIP interrogates her.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

You pinko-anarcho-liberal scum, you’re working with terrorists! I hate you so much!

(pause)

By the way, no idea when we came to this conclusion, but we know Grigoriy is innocent and totally want to help him. Pals?

RACHEL MCADAMS

Okay, I’ll work with you. I’m sure I can put my trust in the shadowy government agents who grabbed me on the street, put a bag over my head and tossed me into a windowless van.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

That’s the spirit! So, it’s occurred to me that my unit seems to have two cases going: charity embezzler Homayoun Ershadi, who we need to catch making an incriminating movement of funds; and Grigoriy, who has access to a whole bunch of money he doesn’t want anymore. I’d say there’s a nice, not-at-all-contrived symmetry to that, wouldn’t you?

RACHEL MCADAMS

Good plan. I’ll just go tell Grigoriy you guys will help him out with his legal status if he uses his tainted money to help catch terrorists, I’m sure he’d be on board with that.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Er, no, you have to trick him into it because uh, I guess we’re implying that Homayoun will be able to instinctively tell if Grigoriy is sincere or not, using his superhuman Truth-O-Vision?

RACHEL MCADAMS

I guess that explains why you need such a convoluted plan for getting money to a guy who goes on TV and openly asks for strangers to give him money.

INT. GRIGORIY’S HIDEOUT

RACHEL comes to visit GRIGORIY.

GRIGORIY DOBRYGIN

Hi, you. I just had a dream where people tried to get you to work with them behind my back, but you refused because you were too good a friend. This is something I actually say at this point of the movie.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Uh, that’s nice. Say, want to come to the roof of this building with me? I’ve got something to show you. Namely, us just standing around up there while nothing suspicious happens inside.

They go up to the roof and sort of hang there doing nothing, while PHILIP’S GUYS install a bunch of SPY GEAR into the house.

GRIGORIY DOBRYGIN

Now that we’re done being on the roof, how about we reveal more of my super-tragic backstory?

RACHEL MCADAMS

Oh, let’s not. We’ve already heard about your evil megalomaniac father, and how you got thrown in a Turkish prison on terrorist charges after they tortured a confession out of you until your torso looked like a map of the London underground. Slathering on even more misery seems a bit-

GRIGORIY DOBRYGIN

(actual line)

My father raped my mother. She died giving birth to me. She was fifteen.

RACHEL MCADAMS

...Wow. Well, heh, at least you weren’t, uh...

(scratches head)

Something about puppies on fire? Orphans with leprosy? ...Nope, there’s no comical exaggeration that could make your life more depressing.

GRIGORIY DOBRYGIN

All right, I’d say that the mood has been nicely set for a seduction!

He sort of DRAPES HIS ENTIRE BODY over RACHEL’S HEAD.

RACHEL MCADAMS

What the hell are you doing.

GRIGORIY DOBRYGIN

I’m uh, hunching over like a penguin while I make out with your hand? I’ll admit, I don’t know a whole lot about the human mating ritual.

INT. SPY HEADQUARTERS

PHILIP is watching RACHEL and GRIGORIY via SPY-CAM.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Okay, time for Rachel to talk Grigoriy into giving his inheritance away, via the weird hissy fit I’ve suggested.

RACHEL MCADAMS

(in hideout)

Grrr, terrorism exists and I’m randomly angry about that now! Therefore something something something, awkward segue, you should give your money to charity.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Perfect! It was totally necessary to bug the whole building just for that. No way could we have achieved exactly the same result simply by having Rachel wear a wire, no sir.

WILLEM takes GRIGORIY to give his money to HOMAYOUN.

WILLEM DAFOE

And now for the climactic set piece of the movie: a guy who’s had almost no lines, sitting in an office and signing documents!

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

(listening in)

Okay, Homayoun’s suggested a bunch of legitimate charities to transfer the money to, but it’s our belief he’ll swap one of them out for his terrorist-front shipping company at the last minute. Let’s hope he does, otherwise all we’ll have accomplished is getting tens of millions of euros into the hands of needy humanitarian organizations!

HOMAYOUN signs all the transfer documents, but on the last one he PAUSES.

HOMAYOUN ERSHADI

On second thoughts, I’ve decided on a whim that this last amount of money should go not to the charity I suggested, but to some shipping company. But uh, it’s a CHARITY shipping company. Yes.

WILLEM DAFOE

Fine. I react to this abrupt curve ball with a lack of suspicion which, really, you ought to find a bit suspicious.

They re-draft the final document and HOMAYOUN prepares to SIGN IT.

HOMAYOUN ERSHADI

All right, here we go... about to sign the document... pen’s right above the paper... signed all the others in like five seconds each, but since this is the big climactic moment of the movie gotta drag it out... pen’s going in for the kill... aaaaaannnnd...

(signs)

KA-POW! How was THAT for suspenseful!

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

We did it! Now we can put pressure on Homayoun and track his terrorist contacts, and Grigoriy will be granted citizenship, and everything has worked out well for all the good guys!

RACHEL MCADAMS

Huh, it actually has. Me and you and Willem and Grigoriy all get what we wanted, and since you’ll be negotiating with Homayoun for his intel not even he will come out too badly. Is this... is this a cynical, realistic spy drama with a HAPPY ENDING?

AUTHOR JOHN LE CARRE

Please. Who do you think you’re dealing with here?

Suddenly the CIA appear out of nowhere and abduct HOMAYOUN just to be ASSHOLES. GRIGORIY tries to help HOMAYOUN so the CIA GRAB HIM TOO and haul him off to an implied life of INCARCERATION AND TORTURE.

GRIGORIY DOBRYGIN

Oh well, at least my life has been consistent.

(struck by lightning)

(mauled by cougar)

(gets parking ticket)

RACHEL MCADAMS

...All right, fine, we get it. The world sucks. The worst possible thing will always happen, nobody winds up happy and life is just an unending stream of misery and defeat.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

(dies in real life)

RACHEL MCADAMS

I said we GET IT. Jesus!

END.