FADE IN:

EXT. SLY’S SCENIC RANCH

A grizzled old action hero putters around his ranch by the Southern border, popping pills as his rugged body winds down near the end of his career, along with his older friend and surrogate daughter. Sadly however it is not LOGAN, but instead SLY STALLONE. We know that SLY is in RAMBO MODE because he owns ARROWS.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(rides horse)

(demonstrates horse-riding maneuvers)

(rides horse more)

(never uses horse ability again in entire movie)

SLY goes about his daily routine along with his daughter-figure YVETTE MONREAL and her aunt ADRIANA BARAZZA.

YVETTE MONREAL

What a beautiful day huh? We should savour this before I go off to Bright Promising Future College to major in Mentor’s Lost Hope Renewal.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Yes, it's a great day for bringing this franchise back to its roots. Time to return to the gritty realism that anchored the original.

YVETTE MONREAL

So you're definitely not doing like last movie when you exploited real-world horrible tragedy as a flimsy excuse for hyper-violent revenge fantasy porn?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Uhhmmmmmm.

(looks away)

YVETTE MONREAL

Riiight then... anyway, there’s a big party tonight for all the kids before we leave for college!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Have the party here, you can show them my extensive tunnel network below the farm.

YVETTE MONREAL

What, have them all killed by your extensive booby-traps? Fuck that.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

No no, it’s not booby-trapped yet. I know the trailer for this movie was 95% booby traps going off, but I do that later.

YVETTE MONREAL

Then what the fuck are all those tunnels for?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I dunno. I guess I was just curious how many I could build before the whole farm sunk into the ground.

YVETTE hosts the party inside the GRIMY DANK TUNNELS which apparently is just THE COOLEST SHIT EVER for her teenaged friends. But she gets an OMINOUS PHONE CALL!

YVETTE MONREAL

Oh shit. My friend in Mexico managed to find my Dad. I wanna go see him and ask why he abandoned me and my dying Mom!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Wait one fucking second. You wanna go... to MEXICO?!?

(gasps!)

ADRIANA BARRAZA

(gasps!)

ASSORTED FARM ANIMALS

(gasp!!)

SLY points dramatically southward, where just past the BORDER FENCE we can see THUNDERDOME and FROGTOWN and MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT and WATERWORLD all nestled beneath SAURON’S TOWER.

MEXICO

(dramatic lightning flash!)

BWAH HA HA HA HA

SYLVESTER STALLONE

You can’t go to MEXICO! Not yet! At least wait until you’re a bit older, like 90 or so.

YVETTE MONREAL

Well the border seems to be mere minutes away, why don’t we both go tomorrow?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Hm, if I go along and watch your back we could do the whole trip in like three hours. But then we have no movie, and besides, something has to summon my Rambo Rage. Vengeance, last blood, etcetera.

YVETTE MONREAL

Oh yeah... shit, I see where this is going.

(sighs)

Maybe I can just get beat up a bit?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

That would only spark Rocky Rage. We need Rambo Rage.

YVETTE MONREAL

Fuck.

EXT. MEXICO CUSTOMS

The next day, YVETTE sneaks off to the BORDER.

BORDER AGENT

Welcome to Mexico. Here is your Dad saying he hates you and you suck, and over here you’ve been drugged and sold to human traffickers have a nice day bye.

YVETTE MONREAL

Fffuuuuuuuuuck.

EXT. A BORDER CITY IN MEXICO

Realizing where YVETTE has gone, SLY tracks down YVETTE’S EVIL DAD who leads him to YVETTE’S EVIL FRIEND who takes him to the EVIL CLUB where her EVIL KIDNAPPER is, surrounded by EVIL CLUBGOERS listening to EVIL DANCE BEATS and having EVIL SHOTS. SLY tails EVIL KIDNAPPER to his EVIL SUV and then starts ripping EVIL BONES out of him until he TALKS. (EVILLY, of course.)

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Ah so this is the rapedrughouse where the baddies live. Well they didn’t reckon on-

(immediately spotted)

Shit. Time to lead those guards on a frantic high-octane parkour foot chase!

(barely shifts weight)

Gotta hurry!

(accelerates to pace of injured snail)

Eat shit Neeson!

(remember those Fifth Element aliens that were super slow? Imagine if you tied their shoelaces together and dunked them in molasses and tar, then shot their knees out)

SLY is promptly SURROUNDED by 100 THUGS and comes face-to-face with HEAD BADDIE SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA, who takes his WALLET and CONCEALED ARROW PERMIT.

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

Shit, an American looking for his American daughter? We should make both these people disappear immediately.

(grins)

Lucky for YOU that I’m just back from Movie Villain School! Bwah ha! Death is too good for this one, he must... SUFFER! I will MARK your FACE, and your DAUGHTER’S also, to make her MORE IDENTIFIABLE to the authorities!! Nyah ha ha ha ha!!

The THUGS rough up SLY and cut his FACE, after which he is dumped in the alley and left for NO, NOT DEAD... HE MUST SUFFER.

INT. A HOUSE IN MEXICO - FOUR DAYS LATER

SLY wakes up on PAZ VEGA’S COUCH.

PAZ VEGA

You’re awake, good. I followed you from the evil club, dragged you from that alley and brought you here. I am a Journalist. My skills include healing, grieving, and providing whatever information you need. I have no other skills.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Sounds perfect. Paz, locate Yvette!

(Paz spits out Location Card, makes "bing!" noise)

Okay, trying to be quasi-realistic didn't work, so fuck it. SUPER RAMBO MODE ACTIVATE!

SLY goes to the rapedrughouse where YVETTE is being held, MURDERS a DOZEN GOONS with (one sec while we make a quick roll on the random mundane weapons table) a HAMMER, rescues YVETTE and drives RIGHT THROUGH A BORDER FENCE to get back into the good ol' U.S. of A.!

EXT. HIGHWAY

SLY desperately drives towards HOME rather than the nearest HOSPITAL.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Yvette, please try not to die of all the horrible drugs you've been injected with! See, being a surrogate Dad made me feel good about me, and if I don't have that, I might feel less good about me. And me feeling good about me really helps me when I think about how I used to feel not good about me. Are me cool?

YVETTE MONREAL

Something tells me this movie isn't remotely qualified to deal with my actual recovery, the long-term effects on me as a person, or the impact on my relationships...

(dies)

Yeah that's what I thought.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Aw yeah, now I can go directly to blind rage and avenging the memory of pure innocent Yvette! I was worried I might have to interact with living traumatized Yvette for a minute there. Phew!

SLY goes back to his RANCH and begins construction on roughly FIVE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-THREE THOUSAND MILLION BOOBY TRAPS. We also get a quick glimpse of YVETTE'S GRAVE but let's get back to that SWEET SWEET BOOBY TRAP ACTION, AW YEAH WE KNOW WHAT YOU PAID TO SEE. Anyway, this occupies SLY for the next few MONTHS or so, after which he realizes the BADDIES are not actually coming after him.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

But I built all these traps.

(pouts)

EXT. MEXICO

SLY goes back to MEXICO, finds PAZ VEGA and trades FIVE GRIEF TOKENS for another ENEMY LOCATION card to learn where SERGIO'S EVIL BROTHER'S house is.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Rambo Ninja Powers--Activate!!

SLY uses his magical teleportation powers to KILL all the guards, and then advances on EVIL BROTHER who is in the BATHROOM!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Uh, this could get awkward, let's skip over this one.

(okay)

Now I suppose I could use my God ninja powers to murder Sergio the same way, but then again, I did build SO MANY traps.

EXT. SLY'S RANCH

SLY returns and, why not, does EVEN MORE TRAP BUILDING AND PREPPING AND KNIFE SHARPENING AND PILLOW STRAIGHTENING AND MAKING SURE THE ICE TRAY IS FULL AND MOVING THE SHRIMP RING FROM THE FREEZER TO THE FRIDGE AND PUTTING AWAY EXTRA SHOES AND, UM, THINK WE GOT A BIT OFF COURSE THERE, LOADING SPECIAL EXPLOSIVE AMMO THAT'S MORE LIKE IT AND SHOOTING ARROWS INTO PLAYING CARDS AND SHIT NOW I GOTTA UNWRAP A WHOLE NEW DECK OF CARDS IF WE WANNA PLAY RUMMOLI LATER

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Aw yeah, here they come. It's time to draw... Rocky Balboa. I mean, The Extractors. Expendables 4: Expendagame. FUCK. Last Blood, that's it.

The THUG CONVOY drives up, but the lead car drives over a BOMB that BLOWS IT UP! It also creates a WALL OF FIRE that looks pretty but otherwise does jack shit.

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

Everyone be careful! This is his territory, so let's not go blindly charging in oh shit we already kind of did that. Why did I not bring even ONE sniper rifle, I ask you. I could be sitting quietly over there with my sniper rifle, right now. Sigh.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(pops out of tunnel entrance)

BAAM!

(pops out of wooden barrel)

PEW PEW!

(pops out of mailbox)

BANG YOU'RE DEAD FUCKHOLE!

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

Fuck! He's using the tunnels! EVERYONE CHARGE INTO THE TUNNELS!!

HENCHMAN

Should some of us stay above ground, maybe with our guns trained on the exits or at least guarding all of our shit?

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

NO FUCK THAT! EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE OF US MUST RACE UNDERGROUND RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!

INT. TUNNELS

Inside, SLY craftily lies in NO, NOT WAIT... THEY MUST SUFFER.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Heh heh. Now they will set off every last one of the 563,000,000,000 traps I've set down here. And thanks to my superhuman powers, I know in advance the exact order they'll be set off in, so I can be already there waiting. Every fucking time.

One by one the THUGS set off the TRAPS which HORRIBLY MUTILATE THEM and leave them to DIE IN SLOW AGONY, which seems rather fitting given how YVETTE suffered days of agonizing-

SYLVESTER STALLONE

NO FUCK THAT I HAVE RAGE

(blows thugs' heads off)

Wait, what about THEY MUST SUFFER? Oh never mind.

THUG

But Sly, if you can anticipate all our movements so precisely that you're always ready and waiting to shoot us dead... did you really need to build all these traps? Or on the other hand, aren't you needlessly wasting ammo?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

RAAAAAAAAAAAAGE

(blows thug's foot off)

(cocks shotgun)

(blows thug's shin off)

(cocks shotgun)

(reloads)

(blows thug's knee off)

(cocks shotgun)

(blows thug's thigh off)

(cocks shotgun)

(takes hydration break)

(reloads)

(blows thug's groin off)

(cocks shotgun)

(blows thug's torso off)

(cocks shotgun)

(reloads)

(stretches)

(has snack)

(blows thug's collarbone off)

(cocks shotgun)

(blows thug's neck off)

(cocks shotgun)

(blows thug's... well let's not bring Nic Cage into this)

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

I won't walk into your traps so easy Sly!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Actually I could have killed you ten times by now, which we showed the audience just so there's noooo chance they see you as any kind of threat.

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

What if I shoot YOU two or three times?

(does so)

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Eh, whatever. Meet me in the barn.

To help motivate SERGIO to go to the BARN, SLY sets off a FUCKTON OF EXPLOSIVES that DESTROYS THE ENTIRE TUNNEL NETWORK AND EVERYTHING IN IT, and well shit, I guess he only really needed ONE TRAP.

INT. SLY'S BARN

SERGIO dutifully walks around the barn waiting for SLY to get the drop on him.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Ha! I have the drop on you! Now eat arrow!

SLY fires FOUR ARROWS into SERGIO, hopelessly pinning him to the flimsy-ass rotting barn wood that would barely withstand a puppy sneezing on it.

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

(shaking head)

Argh. Can't... break... free...

(sighs)

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Now you will know how it feels to have your heart ripped out... LITERALLY!

(begins carving open Sergio's chest)

SERGIO PERIS-MENCHETA

Wow I've already passed out from shock and pain, but knock yourself out I guess?

(dead)

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(keeps carving up Sergio)

(yanks out heart)

(removes other internal organs)

(inserts stuffing, carrots, onions)

(heats oven to 450 though really, could have started that a while ago, but you do you Sly)

SLY staggers over to his PORCH and collapses into his favourite ROCKING CHAIR.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

What a fun adventure. Now I can relax, and remember the entire Rambo franchise in a series of slo-mo flashbacks. That first movie sure was good. And holy shit did it get ridiculous pretty quick after that. And then we did this movie! Which ended up with me sitting here remembering the entire Rambo franchise in slo-mo, which started good but got ridiculous pretty quick, and led to this movie, which ended up with me sitting here remembering the entire Rambo franchise in slo-mo, which ended up with me sitting here remembering the entire Rambo franchise in slo-mo, which ended up with

END NOPE, SORRY, YOU ARE CAUGHT IN AN ENDLESS TIME LOOP HAVE A NICE ETERNITY BYE