FADE IN:

INT. ABANDONED BUILDING -- CHECHNYA

THE EXPANSE fan favourite WES CHATHAM who is super great in THE EXPANSE and please don't judge him on this wretched schlock, is making a HOSTAGE VIDEO with his GROUP OF TERRORISTS.

CHECHEN TERRORIST #1

Nyah ha ha, we are such evil Chechens. We shall collect an enormous ransom for these hostages!

CHECHEN TERRORIST #2

And the best part is how Sylvester Stallone and his team are powerless to stop us, since they focus exclusively on breaking out of prisons!!

CHECHEN TERRORIST #3

HA HA HA... Wait a second, is that door over there made of steel bars, kind of like a PRISON CELL?!? Fuck's sake, Chechen Terrorist #1, I told you ANY abandoned structure would do, but for God's sake DON'T CHOOSE ANYTHING THAT EVEN VAGUELY RESEMBLES A PRISON

WES CHATHAM

TOO LATE ASSHOLES! I was pretending to be a baddie but I'm really with Stallone! Go team!

The team SPRINGS INTO ACTION which includes XIAOMING HUANG busting out his impressive action-hero martial arts moves, and WES going down some stairs. Everyone ESCAPES but one HOSTAGE gets killed!

INT. STALLONE HQ, ATLANTA - DAYS LATER

SYLVESTER STALLONE summons WES into his office.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

You were late to the rendezvous point, Wes! You got that hostage killed!

WES CHATHAM

But boss, the ALGORITHM said I had more time! The ALGORITHM!!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Fuck you and your ALGORITHM! I don't even know what the fuck an ALGORITHM is!

WES CHATHAM

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT AN ALGORITHM IS!! I JUST KNOW IT SAID I HAD MORE TIME GODDAMMIT!!!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Okay then here's some Basic for you, IF WES FIRED THEN FUCK OFF WES, SET "IS WES FIRED" TO FUCKING RIGHT HE IS, go crunch THAT fucking number RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!!

WES leaves in shame and SLY creaks around the office a bit.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Roll call! Did we get 50 Cent and Amy Ryan back from the first movie?

50 CENT

Yep. Well, you got me and Amy back for one day's filming, so don't expect much.

AMY RYAN

Also I'm Jaime King now, not that it matters.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Cool.

JESSE METCALFE

I'm here too!

(ignored)

SLY lumps over to the LOUNGE AREA and veinily sets up a game of GO with XIAOMING.

XIAOMING HUANG

Still haven't read the rules to Century: Eastern Wonders, huh? Nice to take a break from Gloomhaven though, that thing's a fucking commitment...

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Xiaoming, playing Go is a lot like busting out of a black-ops maximum-security prison. In both cases your pieces must work together, all moving as one. You must trust your intuition, reach out with your feelings, hang in there little fella, don't count your days but make the days count, winners never quit and quitters never win. Feel free to replay my bland-as-fuck inspirational mentoring over top of other scenes, so it feels like I'm still involved.

(has nap)

EXT. SHANGHAI - ONE YEAR LATER

XIAOMING goes to visit his TECH-GUY COUSIN, CHEN TANG, and check out some local attractions including the YU GARDEN and the LONGHUA TEMPLE and A BUNCH OF MASKED DUDES ATTACKING THEM IN THE STREET YO! XIAOMING busts some more moves but they TASE him!

INT. BIG DARK ROOM

XIAOMING wakes up in a big boring dark room.

COMPUTER VOICE

Welcome... to HADES! I am Galileo and I'll be your computer overlord for this incarceration, just like the mythical Galileo who also ruled Hades. Now you must... FIGHT!!

XIAOMING whups SOME DUDE'S ASS!

COMPUTER VOICE

Well done! As a reward you get time in Sanctuary, this well-lit pleasant room where you can read and paint and relax. Hope this doesn't undercut how scary your situation is, to give you a spa day within ten minutes of arriving.

INT. HADES - SOME AMOUNT OF TIME LATER

XIAOMING (who if you haven't figured out by now, is the ACTUAL LEAD CHARACTER) paces around the big boring dark stupid room, in amongst the other prisoners.

XIAOMING HUANG

Sure is hard to get the lay of the land when the camera's constantly zoomed in tight on my face. I can barely see anyone else, much less scope the room.

Suddenly he bumps into another prisoner who is... WES CHATHAM!!

XIAOMING HUANG

Oh shit, Wes! How long have you been here?

WES CHATHAM

I'm, ah, not sure...

(checks notepad labelled "MY COVER STORY")

About two months, I think.

XIAOMING HUANG

Two MONTHS?! How'd you keep your high & tight haircut so well maintained, and your beard perfectly trimmed, when as far as I can see we don't even get mirrors?

WES CHATHAM

Er, um... because when I think about playing Go my hair stops growing! It's, ah, a trick Sly taught me.

XIAOMING HUANG

That reminds me, I should do a Sly voice-over so we don't forget he's in the movie.

SYLVESTER STALLONE (V/O)

--trust your intuition, pieces moving as one, when the going gets tough the tough get going, if you do not master your rage your rage will become your master--

SLY'S NARRATION puts XIAOMING to SLEEP and he awakes to find himself in--

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

--the INTERROGATION ROOM! XIAOMING is trapped in a CHAIR with perennial bad guy TITUS WELLIVER looming over him.

TITUS WELLIVER

I need information from you, and I'll do anything to get it. My first technique is to give you lots of information. You see, your cousin Chen Tang has two valuable patents. The first one is bullshit and why is it even part of this story. The SECOND one, though, is for a thing that can use satellites to literally control any computer on Earth, because we haven't seen THAT plotline quite enough times the past few years.

XIAOMING HUANG

How do I figure in?

TITUS WELLIVER

Help us get the patent information out of your cousin, or we'll do something terrible like throw you both in a horrible secret off-grid prison. Oh wait.

XIAOMING HUANG

Why not go the traditional route, like, hold a gun to his sister's head? Or my head? Or both, until he talks?

TITUS WELLIVER

(gestures to movie title)

God dammit you fucking well know why.

INT. A BAR SOMEWHERE OWNED BY DAVE BAUTISTA

SLY walks into the BATISTA-BAR and orders a drink.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Hi Dave. Wanna be in my new movie?

DAVE BAUTISTA

I dunno Sly, I'm kinda swamped...

SYLVESTER STALLONE

We can film all your scenes in an afternoon and you'll get second billing.

DAVE BAUTISTA

Done! So what next?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Well first I talk to these two suit guys about some fucking boring as shit subplot, then we FIGHT SOME GOOOONS!!!

GOONS burst in!! They kill the SUITS but SLY and BAUTISTA totes wail on the GOONS!!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I wonder who these assholes work for.

(shoots writhing goon)

It's a shame we don't have any leads.

(slits throat of goon writing full confession)

If only we had something to go on. DNA, facial recognition, anything.

(pours hydrofluoric acid all over room)

DAVE BAUTISTA

Um maybe if you didn't...

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Eh don't worry, I'll get 50 Cent to pull a lead out of his computer's ass, we're fine.

(has nap)

EXT. A CITY STREET

Meanwhile JESSE METCALFE is in a CAR CHASE!!

JAIME KING

(on commlink)

Jesse!! What's going on?!?

JESSE METCALFE

WHO THE FUCK KNOWS IMA JUST GONNA CHASE THIS CAR

JESSE follows the CAR into a GARAGE but then his CAR is SURROUNDED and TRAPPED, OH NO. DON'T TELL ME THEY GOT JESSE TOO. NOT JESSE. NOOOO. nnooooooooooooooo

INT. HADES

XIAOMING and TANG take on two other prisoners in a HANDCUFFED-TOGETHER FIGHT that lasts literally TWO SECONDS so we don't waste time getting back to that sweet, sweet WANDERING AROUND THE BIG DARK BORING ROOM.

SYLVESTER STALLONE (V/O)

Remember you must project beyond the walls. Like, literally, stare at the solid walls and somehow magically deduce everything on the other side. This is apparently a thing we can do, with the help of some shitty CGI of course.

JESSE METCALFE

Hey Xiaoming! Wes! Look, I also got captured!

(ignored)

WES CHATHAM

How are you holding up Xiaoming?

XIAOMING HUANG

Last time I was in Sanctuary I stole this piece of crayon, which I've used to make markings on the floor and deduce that the walls rotate. This is super critical information we will never use. How about you?

WES CHATHAM

I've learned there are three guys in here from a group that call themselves Legion, and one of them is secretly Count Zero. I can only assume the other two ALSO have names taken from popular SF works. Anyway Count Zero knows the layout to the prison!

XIAOMING HUANG

So they locked him inside the prison he knows the layout of because...

WES CHATHAM

Well the bad guys don't know WHICH ONE is Count Zero you see. So they gotta figure that out before they can torture him to divulge his source.

XIAOMING HUANG

And the bad guys can't torture all three of them because...

WES CHATHAM

Because they don't want to okay!!! ...must be the reason why. Ha ha. But I was thinking, if YOU can figure out which one knows the layout, and get that info, that'll help US! And when you find out, if you could also write his identity backwards on that security camera lens, that'll help us, like, EVEN MORE.

XIAOMING approaches the LEGION GUYS who have FULL-FACE WHITE MAKEUP INCLUDING EYEBROWS they are somehow able to maintain in this hellhole secret prison with no bathrooms.

XIAOMING HUANG

Here's the deal. I'll lose a fight to you, giving you Sanctuary time, in exchange for the layout. Oh wait, that only helps me and not the bad guys, so what I meant was, in exchange for the identity of Count Zero, and the layout.

LEGION GUY

Deal! I've been dying to get into the Sanctuary and do some watercolours. Say, what the fuck happens to all the artwork that gets made in there anyway? Do the bad guys do weekly yard sales to help cover the overhead of this place?

INT. RANDOM BUILDING

Oh yeah, meanwhile DAVE BAUTISTA does some bullshit scene with some fucking guy. Now that may not sound very exciting but THEN he goes for a fucking LATTE, and puts fucking SOY MILK into it, and orders it LIGHT FOAM HALF-FUCKING-CAFF LIKE A GODDAMN BADASS, and THEN, ARE YOU FUCKING READY FOR THIS, he reads the MOTHAH-FUCKING NEWSPAPER and FUCKING RIPS THE JUMBLE PUZZLE A NEW ASSHOLE AWWWWW YYEEEEAHHHHHHH

INT. HADES

Back at Hades, no sooner have XIAOMING and WES gained the identity of COUNT ZERO, than they get ZAPPED and taken to interrogation!

XIAOMING HUANG

Oh shit did our plan somehow backfire. Sorry I can't muster the conviction to put a question mark on that, it is so painfully obvious.

WES CHATHAM

That's right... I'm actually... A BAD GUY, dun dun dunnn!!!! Finally I can lose these prison duds and change into my regulation three-piece black suit of evil! Which I really could have done before you woke up. Just seemed more dramatic to get strapped into the torture chair, wait for you to regain consciousness, then be all DUN DUN DUNNN, you understand.

(changes clothes)

Yes, not only do I run this place, I also designed it!! BEHOLD MY IMPOSING WALL OF BULLSHIT

Indeed, behind WES is a SOLID WALL OF COMPUTER SCREENS displaying TOTAL FUCKING NONSENSE THAT IS PAINFULLY, EMBARASSINGLY MEANINGLESS!!!!

WES CHATHAM

BWAH HA HA IT'S TRUE, after three seasons of The Expanse I can't even look at that fucking thing without immediately vomiting in shame! Lucky for me, it's ALSO clearly been added in post, so I can't actually see it at all!

(grins)

Now it's back to Hades for you! The other prisoners think you betrayed Count Zero so they're gonna beat you up.

XIAOMING HUANG

Surely I can just say YOU sold him out, especially as you will suddenly not be in prison anymore. Shouldn't I have gained something for your story to work?

WES CHATHAM

HAHAHA look at you trying to apply logic to this ridiculous plot. And stop calling me Shirley.

XIAOMING is thrown back into HADES and BEATEN UP... along with SLY!!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Yep, it's almost the end of the movie so I got captured and I'm here too. Time for Plan B: "Be Unpredictable".

XIAOMING HUANG

What, after all your endless speeches about methodical planning and working together, your new advice is Do Random Shit?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Well not really, when I say "unpredictable", I really mean "total bullshit we pull out of thin air to do whatever the fuck we want". For instance, I have a magic radio tooth so we can talk to the whole team outside. Apparently Wes didn't bother searching the world's most renowned prison-escape specialist before throwing him in a prison.

Our heroes begin the RANDOM BULLSHIT PLAN!!

XIAOMING HUANG

(approaching prisoner)

I know you bring in stuff from the outside. Into this totally isolated black-ops prison with no visitation and zero contact with the outside. So I have to ask, HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO FUCKING WORK FOR FUCK'S SAKE

But nevertheless XIAOMING gets a THING and turns it into a fucking LASER BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT. From outside, 50 CENT HACKS SHIT and then it's ESCAPE TIME!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Quick! Everyone push against this piece of wall which is really a door!

PRISONERS

OKAY SLY, SUDDENLY WE'RE ALL ON YOUR TEAM DESPITE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU BEFORE

They reach the MEDICAL BAY!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Attention marginal supporting characters! Stay here and hold off the guards while we confront Wes!

SUPPORTING GUY

(saluting)

You got it, Cap'n! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY LOYALTY TO YOU COMING FROMMMM

They reach the MAIN CONTROL ROOM to confront WES!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Um, really only I should confront Wes. Can everyone else find something to do?

XIAOMING HUANG

I'll take on my evil counterpart, Titus! Let's see how my martial arts prowess matches up against his not having martial arts prowess!

(curbstomps Titus)

JESSE METCALFE

I'll take on MY evil counterpart, this hole in the flooOOOOOOOOORR

(falls into hole)

DAVE BAUTISTA

Oh hey I'm here now. Guess I'll shoot some extras, maybe beat up some Disney execs, whatever.

JAIME KING

I've successfully put milk into my coffee!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Right then! It's time for the big final showdown!!

WES CHATHAM

Dammit Sly! I was so sure my computers and algorithms and robots and shit would defeat you! I should have known better than to trust in anything invented after you turned 30!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Too late for that. Now since I've battled aaallll the way up to this control room, let's go aaallll the way back down to the main holding cell to do our fistfight.

WES CHATHAM

Why the fuck would we do that?!? Right, right, sorry, shouldn't use logic.

They FISTFIGHT and STALLONE KILLMURDERS WES! Then SLY goes AAALLLLLL THE WAY BACK UPSTAIRS TO THE CONTROL ROOM AGAIN.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

The last step is to confront Wes's evil superboss via Skype, which will make for a thrilling sequel hook since the superboss is a wimpass douchesuit with all the intimidation factor of warm yogurt.

(does so)

There, now I bet everyone can't WAIT for Escape Plan 3: Devil's Station!!

XIAOMING HUANG

No. C'mon, no. Are you FUCKING kidding me.

HE IS NOT FUCKING KIDDING US.

END