FADE IN:

INT. FIRST AVENUE (MINNEAPOLIS NIGHTCLUB)

CUE: "LET'S GO CRAZY" VIDEO

Potential PRINCE girlfriend PATRICIA KOTERO barrels into waitress and former PRINCE girlfriend JILL JONES.

JILL JONES

Watch where you're going! By the way, that's good advice to follow for the rest of your career.

PATRICIA KOTERO

I won't. What could a potential Prince Rogers Nelson girlfriend and protégée possibly learn from a discarded Prince girlfriend and protégée?

JILL JONES

...Rogers Nelson?

PATRICIA KOTERO

Really. Google it. Speaking of Prince, isn't it time for our meet cute?

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Not now. If we leave you onscreen too long, you might develop a personality.

EXT. UR-PAISLEY PARK

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON hears parents fighting inside.

CLARENCE WILLIAMS III

(throttling Olga Karlatos)

YOU COME HOME WHEN I SAY! KEEP THIS HOUSE CLEAN! AND OTHER SHOUTED COMMANDS FROM AN AFTERSCHOOL SPECIAL ABOUT DOMESTIC ABUSE!

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Don't blame her, Clarence! She didn't read the script before signing the contract!

CLARENCE WILLIAMS III

So it's YOUR fault the only two real actors in this film got stuck with these cardboard roles!

(pimpslaps PRINCE into the next room)

PRINCE, lying stunned, bats doe eyes.

EXT. MINNEAPOLIS STREET

PRINCE'S rival, MORRIS DAY, is walking with FIRST AVENUE owner BILLY SPARKS, who's a cross between a Greek chorus and an enraged police chief who just wants his pension.

BILLY SPARKS

Let's set up the main conflict. We have 75 seconds for as much exposition as we can cram in.

MORRIS DAY

How about we alternate sentences flatly stating facts that we both already know and have no reason to repeat to each other?

BILLY SPARKS

I like it. And for variety we'll sprinkle in highly implausible assertions. Like nobody wants to hear Prince's music.

MORRIS DAY

And guys don't find themselves confusingly attracted to him.

(pause)

I mean, Prince could never make the cut to stay one of your house bands.

EXT. ANOTHER MINNEAPOLIS STREET

MORRIS walks with lackey JEROME BENTON when LIPPY WOMAN shouts a couple of questions at MORRIS. JEROME, without further instruction -- indicating what he's about to do is a well-practiced routine -- seizes LIPPY WOMAN, drags her into alley, and bodyslams her into a dumpster.

DIRECTOR ALBERT MAGNOLI

Look, I'll sound defensive about this in the commentary, but it tested well.

LIPPY WOMAN

I'm even smiling, like I was throughout my scene. Not problematic at all.

EXT. MALL

PRINCE sneaks up on PATRICIA KOTERO, demands her anklet, and walks off with it.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Did a man give this to you? You're lying! Mine now.

PATRICIA KOTERO

What an abrupt and possessive way to begin our relationship. Yet I somehow find you more intriguing.

EXT. MINNEAPOLIS

CUE: "TAKE ME WITH YOU" VIDEO

MONTAGE. PRINCE and PATRICIA ride on his motorcycle all over Minnesota, savoring its trees, lakes, and cows.

MINNESOTA TOURISM BOARD

This montage is brought to you through the generosity of the Minnesota Tourism Board, which invites you to explore Minnesota, the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

HONDA

And by Honda. "You Meet the Nicest People on a Honda."

(pause)

Well, maybe Patricia Kotero doesn't.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

(singing V.O. during montage)

I can't disguise the weakness of this plot,

So here's a song.

No matter how dislikable my acts,

You'll stay turned on.

You won't care where I go,

You won't care what I do,

As long as I still play my videos

Till this film is through.

EXT. MINNEAPOLIS LAKE (NOT LAKE MINNETONKA)

PATRICIA KOTERO

I want to be a musical star, which will be hilarious in retrospect once you've heard me sing and dance later.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

I'll help if you pass the test I use to evaluate the musical talents for all my female protégées. Strip down and jump into a freezing lake.

PATRICIA KOTERO

So that explains how Carmen Electra gets to make an album.

SHE DOES.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Wrong lake, dummy.

(rides off)

(rides back)

Don't get my seat all wet.

PATRICIA KOTERO

(does anyway)

INT. FIRST AVENUE

DEZ DICKERSON performs several seconds of "Modernaire."

DEZ DICKERSON

Now that we're three lines into my song, it's time for me to beat it for the rest of the film.

Meanwhile, in THE REVOLUTION'S dressing room …

WENDY MELVOIN and LISA COLEMAN:

Just listen to this song we wrote.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Nah.

Elsewhere in FIRST AVENUE, MORRIS sweet-talks PATRICIA, until PRINCE CUES "THE BEAUTIFUL ONES" VIDEO.

PATRICIA KOTERO

I'm clearly moved by the kinda marriage proposal in Prince's song, though all we've done is play head games. Am I inexplicably sensitive to messages conveyed by song?

INT. UR-PAISLEY PARK

PRINCE and PATRICIA sneak into his room, where masks and porcelain dolls watch them menacingly. PATRICIA hits "play" on PRINCE'S seduction tape.

TAPE

(plays in reverse the sound of woman crying mournfully, accompanied by disturbing drumbeat)

PATRICIA KOTERO

The fuck? Did I just wander into a David Fincher film? Why am I not rocketing out of here?

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Because you want me to kiss you after you say "no" and then have sex? Look, I learned all I know about seduction from Harrison Ford in Blade Runner.

PATRICIA KOTERO

When you put it that way, who doesn't get turned on by the sound of a crying stranger?

THEY have sex, and PRINCE drops PATRICIA off the next day.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Before you go, here's a ridiculously bad kiss given my reputation as an erotic dynamo.

RICHARD GERE (O.S.)

What a kiss! I'll use that if I'm ever cast in an Arthurian drama.

INT. FIRST AVENUE

WENDY MELVOIN and LISA COLEMAN:

Just listen to this song we wrote.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Nah.

INT. UR-PAISLEY PARK

Fight between CLARENCE WILLIAMS III and OLGA KARLATOS bursts into PRINCE'S ROOM.

CLARENCE WILLIAMS III

KEEP THIS PLACE CLEAN, SINNER!

OLGA KARLATOS

I don't like it here! You never talk to me! And other minor complaints someone with a somewhat distant husband might make, rather than those of a woman beaten daily.

Later that night, PATRICIA sneaks into PRINCE'S room.

PATRICIA KOTERO

I pawned my anklet to get you this guitar. An extravagant gift from someone you barely know never sets off alarm bells.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

This gorgeous, custom-built cloud guitar? Was your anklet made of platinum-covered diamonds? Sweet. Here, have an earring.

PATRICIA KOTERO

Thanks! It'll look great during my gig with Morris' group!

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

(backhands PATRICIA)

I don't want you in this business you're dreaming about. Obviously Morris doesn't care about you like I do!

PATRICIA runs away. PRINCE bats doe eyes pensively.

EXT. MINNEAPOLIS.

CUE: "WHEN DOVES CRY" VIDEO ("IT AIN'T EASY BEING PURPLE")

MONTAGE. SAD PRINCE is sad.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

(singing V.O. during montage)

Now we're halfway through this picture,

There's been a little sex, and some fists.

But the point of the story's a mystery;

If not for the music, why would y'all watch this?

INT. FIRST AVENUE

CUE: "COMPUTER BLUE" VIDEO

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

If I wasn't so upset, I'd probably ask how we're segueing flawlessly into the perfect execution of a song that I heard Clarence playing for the first time earlier today.

PRINCE sees PATRICIA with MORRIS and CUES "DARLING NIKKI" VIDEO

PATRICIA KOTERO

So I think Prince really met someone masturbating in a lobby before going to her castle's sex room? I AM inexplicably sensitive to messages conveyed by song.

(flees FIRST AVENUE sobbing)

TIPPER GORE (O.S.)

Wait, what the hell did Prince just sing?

MORRIS DAY

Look, chucking women into the trash is one thing, but music with sexual content is uncalled for.

BILLY SPARKS

And no one wants to listen to Prince sing about sex.

INT. OTHER MINNEAPOLIS CLUB THE NEXT NIGHT

CROWD AT CLUB

So the girls' group will do a song suggesting they can beat Prince for his spot at First Avenue. "Nasty Girl," right?

PATRICIA KOTERO

No, "Nasty Girl" is actually good. Here's "Sex Shooter"!

EXT. OUTSIDE OTHER MINNEAPOLIS CLUB

MORRIS DAY

Looks like we're about to have drunk sex. But just in case that's too date-rapey, let's just talk until Prince breaks this up.

PATRICIA KOTERO

Well, Prince's "When Doves Cry" montage highlighted the horror of domestic violence, so now he'll prove he's reached the redemption part of his character arc.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Nah. Instead, I'll assault my rival who's furthering your career, force you to a remote location, assault you when you try to cover up, slam you to the ground by your face, and let you run off in the middle of the night wearing only lingerie.

This somehow fails to win back PATRICIA.

INT. UR-PAISLEY PARK

PRINCE returns home. CLARENCE WILLIAMS III, who's had it with this script, shoots himself in an effort to get out of the film.

INT. FIRST AVENUE

CUE: THE TIME'S "THE BIRD" VIDEO

DIRECTOR ALBERT MAGNOLI

You couldn't appreciate that Prince is at his lowest point until I showed that he's losing a music contest to the group that did "The Bird." Whawk! Hallelujah!

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

My turn. Here's a song that Wendy and Lisa wrote.

WENDY MELVOIN

Wait, are you gonna explain how we all know what to play without ever having rehearsed our song?

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Nah.

CUE: "PURPLE RAIN" VIDEO, FOLLOWED BY "I WOULD DIE 4 U" AND "BABY I'M A STAR" VIDEOS

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

(singing)

We never needed to give you decent acting.

You never needed a plot you could explain.

You only wanted some time to watch my videos

To get you all excited paying to see Purple Rain.

PATRICIA KOTERO

So, this is the triumphant completion of your arc? You make great music like you have from the beginning. Tell me how you've shown any semblance of character growth.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Nah.

PATRICIA KOTERO

Well, at least the ending suggests your relationship with Morris, your band, and your family reached the turning point and will be better going forward.

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Actually, the sequel establishes that all of that falls apart after tonight.

PATRICIA KOTERO

So nothing and no one is this film has changed in any way. How is this a good story again?

PRINCE ROGERS NELSON

Look, I promise it will all be clear to you, and this film's enduring popularity will make perfect sense, once you've heard the flawless, ironclad explanation I'll finally share with the world in Kevin Smith's documentary.

END