FADE IN:

EXT. 18,000 B.C.E. OR THEREABOUTS

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE finishes carving a SPEARHEAD. The tribal chief, JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON, inspects it.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

Well done, SON. You have made me a proud FATHER. Next week you will make me an even prouder FATHER when you, my SON, join us on our annual buffalo hunt. No doubt, with a chief for a FATHER, my SON has learned what it means to be strong and masculine and--

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Ooh! A butterfly!

(runs after it)

NATASSIA MALTHE

I warned you about this. He'll pussy out, and you'll get mad, and there'll be tension between the two of you the whole trip, and you'll start yelling at each other as soon as you get home, making the grub pie I baked specially for your return get cold AGAIN.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

Honey, I apologized for last year's pie like a hundred times. Anyway, what can go wrong? He made a great spearhead.

NATASSIA MALTHE

He's 16. If there's one thing he knows how to do, it's how to smooth his spear.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

Yeah... We really should get him his own tent.

EXT. CAN WE GET TO THE PART WITH THE DOGGOS NOW?

JÓHANNES and the HUNTERS set off in search of MORE STEAK THAN YOU COULD EVER DREAM OF and SOME EXTRA-COZY FLOOR RUGS. They run into their old friend JENS HULTÉN, leading his own TRIBE.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

Jens, my man! How's it hangin'?

JENS HULTÉN

Low and easy, bud, like always! This your boy?

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

(throws his arm around KODI)

Sure is. He's gonna go all the way this season. Right, son?

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

(awkward smile)

Nice to meet you, Mr. Hultén, sir.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

Yeah, uh, his fire-building needs work, but his spearheads are top-shelf. Anyway, come with us, get some steaks!

They keep walking until they find a BOAR.

JENS HULTÉN

Ribs before steak? Great! Kodi, have at 'er.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Uhhh...

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

C'mon, son, just cut its throat and let's dig in.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

But... he--he's just so cute and fuzzy and I want to take him home and name him George and...

JENS HULTÉN

Goddamn. You've raised humanity's first person for the ethical treatment of animals.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

(sighs)

Seriously, Kodi, that was a BOAR, among the least cute of all the gods' creatures. Get this through your head: If you give them the chance, animals will eat you and everyone you care about.

SABRE-TOOTHED TIGER

Indeed.

(kills one of them within about a micro-second)

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

LIKE THAT!

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

That's different, Dad. Everyone knows cats are assholes.

EXT. HOW ABOUT NOW?

The HUNTERS spot a herd of BUFFALO.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

All right, men, you know what to do: run at them screaming. Kodi, I know last night's boar gave you trouble, but these 1,400-pound buffalo are nothing. Ready?

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Visibly, no.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

They run at the BUFFALO, sending most of them off a CLIFF. KODI tries to spear ONE OF THEM, but stops himself.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Um... listen, Mr. Buffalo, I'm sure this is all just a big misunderstanding--

BUFFALO

BITCH I'M A COW!!!

(headbutts KODI)

KODI falls off the CLIFF, hitting several JAGGED ROCKS before landing flat on his BACK on a NARROW SHELF OF ROCK.

Then a STORM hits, making him inhumanly cold and wet.

And then he falls into a roaring RIVER.

And slips on a BANANA PEEL, hitting a BRICK WALL head-on.

And an ANVIL falls on him.

And a PIANO.

And a BLUE WHALE.

Which then EXPLODES.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Ow! I broke my leg and apparently nothing else!

EXT. NOW???

KODI has fashioned a SPLINT that has enabled him to walk SEVERAL MILES and climb a TREE.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Well, I'm inexplicably not dead, but I'm who knows how far from home and I can't bring myself to kill the mammals I have no problem eating. Oh, well. Maggots have lots of protein.

Suddenly a PACK OF WOLVES approaches YAY DOGGOS!

WOLVES

hi there. we are wolves. we have just met you. and DIIIIIEEEEE

They run at the TREE. KODI manages to injure one wolf, CHUCK.

OTHER WOLVES

h*ck this.

(run off)

CHUCK

doin me a hurt. now i must wait. until i feel ready. to zoom.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Awwww.

He carries CHUCK to a CAVE, where he spreads HERB GOO on his WOUND.

CHUCK

thank you human. we can be frens. that is. if you have snacks.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

You don't mean the type of snacks I have to kill, do you?

CHUCK

well. a boar would be good. for that is how we get bacon.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Huh. I should've thought of that.

He finds a BUNNY outside.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

OH LOOK AT HIS TWITCHY LITTLE NOSE AND HIS POOFY LITTLE TAIL AND--

(sighs)

UberEats really cannot get here fast enough.

[BUNNY DEATH MERCIFULLY OMITTED]

CHUCK

(munches)

mmmm. yes. we can be frens. i will stay with the human. to get more snacks. and possibly tennis balls.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

No, you CAN'T stay. Why would a human ever want a dog to stay? Just follow this stick and keep going until you're back with the others, okay?

(throws stick)

CHUCK

(brings it back)

this is fun. i am havin fun. with my human fren.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Chuck, stop trying to make fetch happen! I've got a lot of walking to do to get back to my camp, so if you're going to stay with me, you have to be useful and help me hunt boars.

CHUCK

GOIN FOR A WALK. AND THIS WALK. HOLDS THE PROMISE OF BACON. MY FEETS. ARE A TIPPY TAPPIN.

EXT. A FAIRLY NORMAL SPRING DAY IN CANADA

KODI and CHUCK brave through SNOWSTORMS, HYENAS, THIN ICE, HYPOTHERMIA, COYOTES, and BEING HORRIFICALLY UNBATHED until they reach a TENT, where they meet a MANSICLE.

CHUCK

...bork?

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

No, Chuck, this is a fren. Or at least he would be if he hadn't frozen to death by sitting outside next to his perfectly good tent all night. WHY would you do that?

(takes the MANSICLE's bow and arrow)

CHUCK

excuse me human. i am concerned. about this stick. it looks very complicated. the best toys. are the simplest.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

But now I can kill boars at a distance instead of waiting for you to herd them. You know what that means: faster bacon.

CHUCK

good point. plus my feets are really quite sore. and i am feelin. extra snoozly.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

You are? Why?

Before CHUCK can answer, the SABRE-TOOTHED TIGER attacks!

CHUCK

BORK BORK BORK

SABRE-TOOTHED TIGER

Oh, DON'T make me laugh, mongrel. Your time with the humans has made you an inferior species. We cats remember that man is to be subjugated and made to serve our every capricious whim.

CHUCK

i do not know what that means.

They leap into a BIG BALL OF VIOLENCE.

CHUCK

HUMAN. IF YOU WANT TO USE. THE COMPLICATED STICK. NOW. WOULD BE THE TIME.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

I can't even tell which half of that violence ball is you! God, I wish it was established that I knew how to fire this thing.

(fires)

SABRE-TOOTHED TIGER

MEEEEEE-OOOOOOWWWWWW!

(flies into the clouds, never to be seen again)

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Chuck, buddy! Are you okay?

CHUCK

the cat scratched my snoot. cats are h*ckin mean. now i must snoozle. go home human.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

NO! You can't traumatize me and the audience by dying! Some of us are still getting over Old Yeller!

CHUCK

i think the walk is over. but the important thing to remember. is that. i love you.

(passes out)

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

NOT WITHOUT MY BEST FRIEND!

He carries the 85-POUND ADULT GREY WOLF for the NEXT FEW MILES, which YOU would do if you had a SOUL because DOGS would do that for YOU if they could, for they are THE MOST LOYAL AND LOVING CREATURES EVER PUT ON THIS EARTH and we do not deserve THEM. But then a BLIZZARD forces KODI to the ground.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Fucking hell... why did we ever move to Winnipeg?

(passes out)

INT. FLASHBACK - KODI'S FAMILY'S TENT

NATASSIA MALTHE

He's 16. If there's one thing he knows how to do, it's how to smooth his spear.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

Yeah... We really should get him his own tent. Then he can bring girls home.

EXT. PRESENT

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

Oh, right.

He gets back up and carries CHUCK back to the TENT.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

Kodi! You're alive! And... you brought a dog.

KODI SMIT-MCPHEE

(gasping for breath)

He... followed me home... can I keep him?

CHUCK

oh. yes. about that "him" part.

CHUCK turns out to be a SHE, who promptly gives BIRTH to FIVE ADORABLE FLOOFY PUPPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

Well, that answers the spaying question. Okay, Kodi, you can keep them, as long as you promise to train and feed every single one of them yourself.

MALE TRIBE MEMBER #1

Actually, can I take one?

MALE TRIBE MEMBER #2

Me too.

MALE TRIBE MEMBER #3

One for me.

MALE TRIBE MEMBER #4

And me.

MALE TRIBE MEMBER #5

And me.

They immediately take out the PUPPERS to impress CHICKS.

JÓHANNES HAUKUR JÓHANNESSON

Truly, Kodi, you have led us into the future of man's relationship with beast.

END