FADE IN:

In the prologue, HUMANITY decides to deal with all the SHIT IN THE AIR by putting EVEN MORE SHIT IN THE AIR which FUCKS EVERYTHING. Earth FREEZES and the few surviving humans board THE POLAR EXPRESS: EXTREME MAKEOVER EDITION, also known as the SNOWPIERCER.

INT. THE SNOWPIERCER -- TAIL SECTION

Grimy downtrodden humans CHRIS EVANS, OCTAVIA SPENCER, JOHN HURT, and JAMIE BELL are busy being downtrodden and grimy.

CHRIS EVANS

For 17 years we've been stuck here in grimy downtroddenness, kept under armed guard in squalor and filth. And the snack cart always runs out JUST before reaching us. Fuckers.

JOHN HURT

It's terrible how society has become so COMPARTMENTALIZED, how we have no hope of ADVANCING to become FIRST CLASS citizens.

(pause)

Holy shit, this might be the clunkiest, least subtle social analogy I've ever seen, and I've done Doctor Who.

JAMIE BELL

Hey guys, it's time for our daily gelatinous protein bars! But we gotta be sure to find the one with the secret message inside. We've been planning our whole revolution around them.

CHRIS EVANS

Damn, mine only has a plastic Homer Simpson in it. Octavia, can you help us trade for the one we need?

OCTAVIA SPENCER

Huh? How come I'm the protein-bar-acquiring wizard? Just because I've maintained some measure of badonkadonk after 17 years of strict rations, why would that mean okay fine here it is.

EVIL GUARDS

(barging in)

Grr, we need to take some of your children! We have a horribly overstretched metaphor in the front compartment and it's taking all we have to barely hold it together!

GUARDS grab OCTAVIA'S KID and a CRAZY GUY'S KID. CRAZY GUY chucks his SHOE in anger which leads to TILDA SWINTON, playing AUSTIN POWERS'S WACKY AUNT from the UGLY SIDE OF THE FAMILY, being summoned.

TILDA SWINTON

(teeth jutting out everywhere)

We must mete out terrible punishment, because, who throws a shoe? Honestly!

GUARDS grab CRAZY GUY and stuff his ARM through a specially designed HOLE IN THE OUTER WALL!

TILDA SWINTON

Now I'll calculate PRECISELY how much time it will take, given the altitude and extreme outside cold, to completely fuckbone this dude's arm. And strangely, even though it'll later prove to be not AS cold out as I think, my calculations are spot-on.

They bring CRAZY GUY'S NOW-FROZEN ARM inside so a GUARD can SMASH IT TO BITS. The actual shattering happens OFFSCREEN despite the lack of BLOOD or GORE it would involve, giving the movie less balls than TIMECOP.

INT. LATER THAT NIGHT

JAMIE BELL

God it sucks in here. There's nothing to read but Arrive Magazine and all the damn crosswords are filled out already.

(sighs)

I wish my Mom was here.

CHRIS EVANS

Yeah. It's too bad you don't have more memories of her, like oh let's say, that time she was killed by a dude who totally wasn't me.

(pause)

You still don't remember, right?

JAMIE BELL

I was so young, I can barely... well, I can almost... nah, it's gone.

CHRIS EVANS

(exhaling)

AWWWW SHIIIT THAT WAS CLOSE SON, PHEEE-EWWWW I mean, how tragic.

INT. TAIL SECTION - NEXT MORNING

CHRIS EVANS

I have a hunch the guards are out of bullets. See, I just dared them to shoot me in the head, and they couldn't! Let's revolt!!

JOHN HURT

Couldn't start with the shoulder, could you. Right, off we go!

They use a GIANT TUBE to block the doors and reach the next car, which has GUARDS!

CHRIS EVANS

Did NOT plan for that. Guess we're fucked.

SURPRISE PARKOUR GUY

Or you WOULD be if not for me, Surprise Parkour Guy!!

(opens can of whoopass)

GUARDS

Knew we should have shut down that illegal martial-arts training and practice facility tucked behind that one food barrel!! AAARGHHH

(defeated)

CHRIS finds SONG KANG-HO and his daughter KO AH-SUNG in a DRAWER.

SONG KANG-HO

(Korean)

TRANSLATO-PENDANT

Hey there, I'm the very latest in interpretive techno-jewellery! Sometimes I'll talk, and sometimes we'll have subtitles instead. And heck, maybe the occasional bad overdub, for shits and giggles.

(in cheesy 70s voiceover)

Fight me!

CHRIS EVANS

No, look, we need your help. You're the only one who can crack the locks on every other car! Since we need you fully alert and sharp-minded to succeed, we'll pay you in drugs.

SONG KANG-HO

(subtitles)

You mean the drugs that are also HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE, in case we need to EXPLODE something later?

CHRIS EVANS

Ah, yes, those.

SONG KANG-HO

(sign language)

Sure is odd that I'm addicted to this HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE substance. Better keep it in a different pocket from this ONE MATCH I have left.

(dubbed)

Plot-Resolution Device Setup: complete. Anyway, I insist we bring my daughter with us. She's clairvoyant you know, because being stuck on a train for 17 years gives you psychic powers.

INT. INDUSTRIAL KITCHEN CAR

In the kitchen they find CRAZY CHEF GUY!

CRAZY CHEF GUY

You'd be nuts too if you were the only cook left for the entire human race. How many times do I have to say NO SUBSTITUTIONS for fuck's sake?!? Anyway good news, I just made a fresh batch of gelatinous protein bars!

CHRIS EVANS

Oh my God... the protein bars are made of... BUGS! AW GAWD NOT BUGS!! Mind you, we learn later I've eaten human babies, but EEEWWWWWWW GROSSSSS

(projectile vomits)

OCTAVIA SPENCER

That's it? Bugs? People eat bugs in real life, in the present, both on and off reality TV shows. It couldn't be something a LITTLE more disturbing?

The next DOOR opens to reveal LOTS AND LOTS OF GUARDS OH FUCK!

HEAD GUARD

END OF THE ROAD, ASSHOLES! Though we might let you pass if you can defeat us in a three-part culinary challenge to create the PERFECT... CHARRED SEA BASS!!

(expertly fillets, debones fish)

CHRIS EVANS

We'd rather just fight if that's okay.

HEAD GUARD

(pouts)

Fine.

They FIGHT! LOTS and LOTS of FIGHT happens until, no shit, an ALERT sounds and the GUARDS all take a break to shout HAPPY NEW YEAR. Then it's back to FIGHTING!

CHRIS EVANS

Okay guys, if we can just hold our own until February 14th, I have a new plan.

TILDA SWINTON

Wait, everyone! Some SNOW has fallen on the tracks! We'll have to PIERCE it!

The SNOW damn near DERAILS THE ENTIRE FUCKING TRAIN even though you'd think it's the ONE THING that a train named SNOWPIERCER should be able to do NO SWEAT.

OCTAVIA SPENCER

Lucky we've never had to pierce any ice or fallen rock these past 17 years, huh.

HEAD GUARD

A-ha, NOW we've entered a pitch-dark tunnel, and WE'RE the only ones with infra-red goggles! You're fucked!

CHRIS EVANS

Shit, we really are. You should kill us all in three seconds.

HEAD GUARD

Yeah, we should. But can we offer that fish-cooking challenge again? Please? We reeeeeally miss MasterChef.

CHRIS EVANS

Well surprise, we have torches! Back to fight time!!

QUITE A LOT more FIGHTING happens! The GUARDS are reinforced by TWO GUYS IN SUITS who proceed to kick major ass!! One of them approaches JAMIE from behind!

CHRIS EVANS

Damn, I can either grab Tilda before she escapes, or save Jamie! Which to do?

(calls over)

OhbythewayJamieIkilledyourMom-realsorrypleaseforgiveme-what'sthatyoutotallydo-OKthanksbye!

(grabs Tilda)

JAMIE BELL

Wait, what?

(stabbed)

ARRGH I AM TOTALLY COMING BACK TO GET YOU WITH A BIONIC ARM AND NO MEMORY

(dies)

KO AH-SUNG totally IMPALES one of the SUIT GUYS! CHRIS and the REBELS WIN the fight!

CHRIS EVANS

Nice work, kid. Did you use your clairvoyance for that move?

KO AH-SUNG

No, I used a large pointy metal thing.

CHRIS EVANS

Huh. Will there ever be a reason for throwing psychic powers into our already-crowded mix of future-steampunk-dystopia-action-movie-class-struggle-metaphor?

KO AH-SUNG

Not really. It won't achieve anything that good hearing or just noticing shit wouldn't do.

JOHN HURT

Okay, everyone rest up, then we'll make Tilda lead us to the front car. The guards will either kill her or flee in terror, so I figure it's a win-win.

INT. LATER THAT NIGHT

CHRIS and JOHN have a HEART-TO-HURT.

CHRIS EVANS

You're such a good leader with your one arm and one leg. I could never be as good a leader with my two hunky arms.

JOHN HURT

You're referring to how I sacrificed my arm, years ago, to restore order to the tail section. But it's not losing the arm, Chris, it's the sacrifice. It could be anything.

CHRIS EVANS

(smacking own head)

Stupid useless me with my toned biceps and chiseled jaw and superheroic screen presence!! I suck!!

JOHN HURT

Dear God but you are missing the point. It's NOT THE ARM. I'd love to have two arms, especially for fucking. It's tricky to fuck with my one arm, you see.

(wistfully)

Oh, how I miss the fucking. I used to fuck twice before breakfast. And then during breakfast. Then I'd fuck my breakfast. Honestly Chris, you haven't lived until you've been balls-deep in a good Eggs Benedict.

CHRIS EVANS

(projectile vomits)

INT. RIPLEY'S AQUARIUM CAR

The gang find a SUSHI BAR and begin CHOWING DOWN.

CHRIS EVANS

No! No raw fish for you, Tilda. Instead you eat processed raw bugs. So there!!

TILDA SWINTON

OH WHAT BITTER GROOVY VENGEANCE IS THIS, BABY

(froths at mouth)

INT. WES ANDERSON SCHOOLROOM CAR

The gang find a bunch of BRATTY KIDS being taught by international-superstar-thanks-to-staggering-success-of-SCOTT-PILGRIM-hey-a-guy-can-dream ALISON PILL.

ALISON PILL

So you see class, when the man who built the Snowpiercer was little, he dreamed of a train going round and round the world. And then he grew up and built it because he was a fucking whackjob. And people went along with it because otherwise there's no movie.

SONG KANG-HO

Teacher, please tell my daughter the tale of the Seven, who left the train and died. Unless we're trying to set up a prequel in which case FUCK THAT SHIT.

CHRIS EVANS

Then, maybe you could explain what happens when any of the zillion miles of track all over Earth get damaged or have metal fatigue or are compromised in any way whatsoever.

ALISON PILL

Sorry guys, I have to finish indoctrinating these children so they can someday assume leadership of our society without questioning it. Oh but wait, that would mean something about this train makes any sense, what am I saying. Our future leadership depends on playing complex psychological games on grown adults, yes, THAT'S more like it.

CHRIS EVANS

Er, what do you mean by--

EGG DELIVERY MINION

(entering)

Hallo! I've brought eggs for everyone! Delicious eggs for all the hungry revolutionaries!

OCTAVIA SPENCER

This could be a trick. Maybe the eggs are poisoned, or have micro-receivers in them. We can't rule out some kind of dastardly, clever subterfuge.

MINION

Or there are semiautomatics under the eggs that I'm gonna shoot you with, but sure, your idea's good too, honest.

SHOOTING starts!

CHRIS EVANS

Hey, you guys are supposed to be out of bullets!

MINION

It's amazing what you can build from processed dead bugs. Now die!

JOHN HURT

My veteran British acting savvy tells me this movie's only going to get more ridiculous from here on out. Seems like a good time to get killed off.

(is shot)

TILDA SWINTON

Right there with you, baby!

(is shot)

OCTAVIA SPENCER

Dammit! C'mon Chris, grab a gun, and let's go!

CHRIS EVANS

Yes, we must continue our epic cat-and-mouse pursuit with the train's guards, where each of us can only go forward or back along a single path! What thrills!

INT. NEXT CAR

CHRIS EVANS

Woah, there's a large curve in the tracks, and I can see Other Suit Guy, three cars back! I should shoot him!

SONG KANG-HO

(using Semaphore flags)

Okay but be sure to take cover, or he'll shoot you.

CHRIS EVANS

Screw that! We'll both stand perfectly still in plain view, take veeeeery careful aim, and fire exactly one shot at each other. It's in keeping with our samurai code of honour or some bullshit.

CHRIS and OTHER SUIT GUY both MISS, so WHOOP-DEE-FUCK.

INT. SAUNA CAR

CHRIS EVANS

An entire car full of saunas? Did we really run out of essential functions already? How did this make the list?

OTHER SUIT GUY

Oh just wait till you see the next one. Those of you that survive that is!! Now for yet another really, really long fight scene!! I don't care what Weinstein says, there's no way anyone could find 20 minutes to cut out of this movie!!

OTHER SUIT GUY manages to kill SURPRISE PARKOUR GUY and OCTAVIA SPENCER before succumbing to any one of a dozen or so FATAL WOUNDS. He does NOT pop up later for yet another FINAL FIGHT because that would be SKULL-MELTINGLY IDIOTIC. Meanwhile our heroes enter...

INT. RAVE CAR FULL OF RAVING RAVERS

CHRIS EVANS

NOW you are just fucking shitting me, oh wait, I forgot this was 1996.

RAVERS

WE'VE KEPT THIS RAVE GOING NON-STOP FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS DON'T JUDGE US OKAY WE JUST LOVE RAVING

Our winter heroes soldier on, making their way through the SENTINEL PROTOTYPE CAR and the MECHANICAL-TIMER NUKE CAR before finally reaching the PENULTIMATE CAR.

INT. PENULTIMATE CAR

CHRIS, SONG KANG-HO, and KO AH-SUNG approach the FINAL DOOR with trepidation.

CHRIS EVANS

Going by sci-fi tradition, the final boss will either be a computer, or somebody famous. Let's find out which.

They open the FINAL DOOR to reveal... ED HARRIS!!

ED HARRIS

Shockingly, Chris's rebellion was all part of my master plan to maintain the current system.

(smiling)

Matrix Reloaded, I win!

SONG KANG-HO

(holds up match)

Fifth Element, no you don't!

ED HARRIS

Fuck!

SONG KANG-HO EXPLODES all the DRUGS, causing an AVALANCHE which TOTALLY FUCKS THE TRAIN and sends most of it HURTLING OFF A CLIFF thus killing the VAST MAJORITY OF HUMANITY. But he and CHRIS sacrifice themselves to save KO AH-SUNG so it's all good.

KO AH-SUNG

Phew, I'm alive! And hey, so is Octavia's kid! And possibly zero other people.

They limp out of the TRAIN and onto the FROZEN BARREN WORLD... except...

KO AH-SUNG

Look, a polar bear! Life has returned! It's gonna be okay!

POLAR BEAR

OH GOOD YUMMY FRESH MEAT, IT'S BEEN FUCKING AGES

(eats them)

END