FADE IN:

INT. A HOUSE - ROMA, MEXICO CITY, 1970

The film opens with YALITZA APARICIO busily cleaning all the OPENING CREDITS off the driveway tiles.

YALITZA APARICIO

(scrubbing)

I'm just saying, some movies save Stunt Co-ordinator for the END credits, ALFONSO.

YALITZA finishes up, and walks past some BIRD BOXES OH SHIT FUCK WAIT WRONG NETFLIX MOVIE NEVER MIND on her way to the kitchen. We follow along as she spends her day cleaning and cooking and washing for MARINA DE TAVIRA and her family. We get a GOOD LONG LOOK at all the rooms and bedrooms in the house, to make it quite clear that keeping this place decent is NO WALK IN THE PARK.

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

Plus, over half the furniture is literally the stuff I grew up with, in my efforts to recreate my childhood home! That's right, it's ANOTHER in my series of highly personal, semi-autobiographical films.

(pause)

What? I'm a "Child of Man", have a "Mama", experience "Gravity" daily, and, um, met a "Potter" once...

YALITZA collects the youngest kid, ALFNINO, from school, after which GRANDMA and the other three kids get home from THEIR school, accompanied by DRIVER GUY whose responsibilities around the house include DRIVING and EATING and NOT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL. After a MEAL is PLAYTIME, where ALFNINO pretends to be dead and YALITZA joins in.

ALFNINO

Let me tell you how I was an old man in a previous life. I made all these horrible puns, and I was obsessed with rewards points.

YALITZA APARICIO

You're weird, kid.

Later that day MARINA'S husband JODIDO GILIPOLLAS returns home in his GIANT ASS CAR that fits snugly into their interior driveway with almost ONE FULL HALF-NANOMETRE to spare. He squirms himself out easily thanks to his LACK OF SPINE as everyone greets him.

JODIDO GILIPOLLAS

Hello family! How was your day oh wait that's a pile of dog shit, silly me. THERE you are! Good news everyone: I have, um, a new research job! But you wouldn't know it, it's from Canada.

MARINA DE TAVIRA

Are you sure this new, er, research job is what you need? I'm just saying it wasn't there for you when you were a nobody, starting out...

JODIDO GILIPOLLAS

True but this NEW job has young hot perky benefits as well as flexible work legs, I mean, hours. So y'know.

(shrugs douchily)

Now could someone please clean up all the dog shit in the driveway? I almost picked up and hugged that mound thinking it was Youngest Kid.

YALITZA APARICIO

I guess it has been a few days.

(backs up ten-ton dump truck)

(fires up bulldozer)

That night they watch TV together and have valuable family bonding time around the TV before NETFLIX suddenly remembers this is eligible for OSCARS not EMMYS and so we move on.

EXT. ROMA - THE NEXT DAY

YALITZA and her fellow maid friend NANCY go out to meet their boyfriends in the VIBRANT BUSTLING STREETS OF MEXICO CITY that are utterly jammed full of SOUND MIXING.

DIRECTOR ALFONSO CUARON

(through megaphone)

Attention all 3000 extras! Everyone do lots of noisy things! Ring those bells! Rev those engines! MORE NOISE PLEASE!!! Someone get that unicyclist an accordion!

YALITZA goes to her boyfriend's place where they get NAKED and she appreciatively watches him FLING his POLE around a bit, oh and also do some MARTIAL ARTS.

INT. HOUSE- THE NEXT MORNING

YALITZA wakes up all the kids to start the day. We see that PACO has a board game called AVENTURA EN ALASKA (ADVENTURE IN ALASKA) which is obviously the first thing we all noticed about that scene, right? It just sort of leaps out at you, all tucked away in the corner like that.

YALITZA APARICIO

Wake up Paco! Time to start-

However the ALASKA GAME doesn't seem to be listed on BOARDGAMEGEEK DOT COM so how it actually works is a mystery for now, perhaps the family will set it up later, we'll see.

YALITZA APARICIO

Um. Get up sleepyhead, you'll be late for-

I'm just saying that if anyone has MORE INFORMATION about this game to please leave a COMMENT about it since I'm quite curious to know-

YALITZA APARICIO

AHEM, WE NEED TO GET ON WITH OUR DAY PLEASE

Yes, sorry. Anyway DOWNSTAIRS, alleged human JODIDO has packed his bags and is on his way to "QUEBEC" which was apparently a popular name amongst HOMEWRECKER FLOOZY SLUTS back in the 1970s. He goes to put his luggage in a car and despite a last-ditch effort from MARINA to revive whatever flickering spark of love might still lie dormant, JODIDO is unmoved by her embrace, and so he slowly drives away through a TAP-DANCING PARADE OF TAMBOURINE JUGGLERS CLACKING THEIR TEETH WHILE HISSING RANDOMLY IN MORSE CODE.

SOUND MIXERS

(collapse in pool of sweat)

INT. MOVIE THEATRE FILLED WITH THE MAGIC OF THE MOVIES

YALITZA and her boyfriend PENDEJO are MAKING OUT during a WAR MOVIE with wacky dogfights and nuns and cross-eyed gunners, which honestly seems like a movie better off being ignored.

YALITZA APARICIO

(whispering)

I think I'm pregnant.

PENDEJO DE MIERDA

Cool.

(puts on running shoes)

I'll just get us some popcorn for the end credits.

(renews passport)

Be right back.

(hooks belt buckle to Millennium Falcon)

Save my seeEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(yanked away at lightspeed)

The CURTAINS close immediately once the CREDITS start, totally obscuring who did the CINEMATOGRAPHY and FILM EDITING and MAKEUP and LIVE-ACTION SHORT FILM because the theatre is run by CLUELESS ASSHOLES, but after the ENTIRE THEATRE calls them out for pulling such a DICK MOVE they OPEN the curtains and book QUEEN instead.

YALITZA APARICIO

(leaving)

This is a serious situation. I must consider carefully what to do next.

(instinctively maneuvers through pots-and-pans dodgeball tournament)

INT. BACK AT THE HOUSE

YALITZA decides to tell MARINA about her pregnancy.

MARINA DE TAVIRA

One moment Yalitza. First I need to get the kids to write letters to their Dad; though at this point they might as well be writing to fucking Santa Claus, but worth a shot, right? So what's up?

YALITZA APARICIO

(nervously)

I think I'm pregnant. Am I fired?

MARINA DE TAVIRA

Fired?! No no no, Yalitza, you're family. Family that cooks and cleans and does errands and sleeps up in the servant's nook, but still. Family.

MARINA takes YALITZA to the hospital, and along the way gets JODIDO'S HUGE DUMB CAR wedged between two trucks because 1970 LOVED ITS WIDE-ASS SHIT YO, whether it was CARS or PANTS or NECKTIES or PUTTING STRIPES ON EVERY GODDAMN THING, GOTTA MAKE IT WIIIIDE.

INT. HOSPITAL

YALITZA is seen by a DOCTOR and officially diagnosed as PREGGERS.

YALITZA APARICIO

Really I'm amazed the doctor could see me at ALL though the hundreds of extras, she's got some serious Where's Waldo powers. Thanks for bringing me here Marina, but I'm still super nervous about everything.

MARINA DE TAVIRA

Tell you what. Why don't you go look at the natal ward full of babies, that should help you feel better.

EARTHQUAKE

(shakes hospital)

(drops ceiling rubble all over baby incubators)

(cackles maniacally, somehow)

MARINA DE TAVIRA

Or maybe not. Instead let's curl up and relax with this recently published book, "Rosemary's Baby" OH COME ON

EXT. LARGE COUNTRY ESTATE - A WHILE LATER

MARINA has decided to take the family to her BROTHER'S ESTATE for Christmastime.

NANNY

Kids, it's so great to see you! Unfortunately the clown room and the ventriloquist-dummy rooms are full up, so you'll all have to sleep in the stuffed mounted dead dog heads room. And you're in luck! We happened to go through a LOT of dogs last year, so we finally finished the north wall. Now you can ALL drift off to sleep with a perfect view of dozens of stuffed mounted dead dog heads!

(beams)

A DOG starts licking YALITZA'S hand but sadly she fails to recognize the dog signal for GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE and instead goes with the kids to the family picnic where everyone is SHOOTING GUNS towards something offscreen.

MARINA'S BROTHER

(shooting)

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT FUCK YOU ANTS! YOU'RE NOT RUINING THIS PICNIC YOU BEADY LITTLE FUCKS

That night is a big party with DRINKS and MAMBO LINES and TONS MORE MOUNTED DEAD ANIMAL HEADS and FULL-BLOWN STUFFED DEAD ANIMALS and this family clearly gets PLATINUM REWARD POINTS at the local TAXIDERMIST, I'm just saying. Meanwhile YALITZA is taken by the NANNY to a local BAR.

NANNY

Let's toast to your baby's health, using this mug!

(dancers knock mug to floor)

(mug shatters)

Oops. Er, let's draw baby names from this porcelain vase!

(dog knocks over vase)

(vase shatters)

Okay, this piece of tempered steel represents-

(light breeze contacts steel)

(steel shatters)

This is not good.

YALITZA heads back to the ESTATE just in time to see MARINA rebuff the advances of some RANDOM DRUNK ASSHOLE GUY and wow, seems you can't swing a dead stuffed dog in this film without hitting some horrible asshole dude being a creep. This BIZARRE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE is a vivid testament to the BOUNDLESS FERTILE IMAGINATION of ALFONSO CUARON, close sarcasm tag.

YALITZA APARICIO

I'll just watch the fireworks for a bit. They're so pretty, how they explode and crackle just above the treetops and oh shit that's a forest fire.

Everyone rushes out to fight the FOREST FIRE by carrying water, refilling buckets, stamping out small flames, jangling their keys, shaking loose coins, having chandelier fights, spinning ratchets, etc. Everyone, that is, except for a guy wearing a Christmas costume made entirely of FUR and GRASS and LOOSE TWIGS.

GUY COVERED IN KINDLING

This is my big chance! Everyone's focussed on the roaring flames so if I just stand in front of them, I'll be in the spotlight for my big musical number! Ahem ahem.

(sings)

Con oscares y sin oscares,

Yo hago siempre lo que quiero...

(costume ignites)

(engulfed in fire)

AAAAGHHHHH NOOOO, REMEMBER MEEEEE

(dies)

EXT. ROMA

The family returns home, and it appears they DO have street parking for their multiple cars, so they don't always need to cram them in the narrow driveway. Though it's been established that GONE DAD has a problem with INSERTING SHIT WHERE IT DON'T BELONG so I guess it scans.

That evening YALITZA takes the kids to go experience the MAGIC OF THE MOVIES, but just as they arrive they spot JODIDO with his SIDE PIECE as they run laughing past the ICE SCULPTING KNIFE SHARPENER'S SHOP.

PACO

Wait, was that...?

YALITZA APARICIO

It was. We made sure that out of the thousands of extras, nobody else has that exact facial hair. That way even the folks watching on TV can spot him!

ALFNINO

Well shit, we should chase him down, make him answer for what he's done to-

LUCY FROM TIMELESS

(rushing over)

NO NO NO! Alfnino, if you don't see this cheesy Gregory Peck astronaut movie, the film "Gravity" will never exist! Oh, and American democracy will be destroyed.

THIRTEENTH DOCTOR

(rushing over)

Which in turn sets off a chain of events that will annihilate all life on Earth! You must go inside! Because love!

YALITZA APARICIO

But-

JAMIE FRASER FROM OUTLANDER

OCH LASS TAKE THA WEE BAIRNS INNA THA MOOOVIE ALREADY, WAIT HOW'D AH TRRRAVEL FOORWARD IN TIME, OCH IT NAE MATTERS JOOST GET ON WI'IT OCH

YALITZA and the KIDS proceed inside the THEATRE OF MOVIE MAGIC and set in motion the PIVOTAL CHAIN OF EVENTS leading to SANDRA BULLOCK howling at a dog while in high orbit.

EXT. ANOTHER TOWN - THE NEXT DAY

YALITZA takes a BUS to a different town where PENDEJO'S friend RAMON is.

YALITZA APARICIO

Do you know where I can find Pendejo? I brought his baby, I mean, jacket with me.

RAMON

Sure. Just head past the political rally with the human cannonball, turn left at the collapsing wind-chime factory, then look for the cymbal-shattering contest. You can't miss it.

Sure enough YALITZA finds PENDEJO in a wide open field, training along with a hundred or so other recruits. Leading the group is special guest coach LATIN LOVER, that being the stage name of former wrestler VICTOR MANUEL RESENDIZ RUIS! You may wonder why he includes his alias in the film but hey, it worked for DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON, right?

LATIN LOVER

You all know me from TV where I do things like pull giant vehicles with my teeth. But since I'm here in person, time for something TRULY amazing... this YOGA POSE!

(does pose)

Which may look easy but in fact is hella difficult. Go on, try.

All the TRAINEES and SPECTATORS attempt the pose and FLAIL ABOUT as they FAIL MISERABLY---except for YALITZA who also does it to PERFECTION! Nobody in the movie notices, but eagle-eyed viewers will spot the shout-out to the original comics where YALITZA and LATIN LOVER team up to save the world in the sensational crossover event ROMA: AGE OF ULTRON.

After training concludes, YALITZA approaches PENDEJO.

YALITZA APARICIO

So are we gonna talk or are you just gonna bail like last time?

PENDEJO DE MIERDA

Bail?! Ha ha ha, THIS time I have an entire paramilitary force at my back, so I shall dare to confront you!

(runs off)

(jumps into back of truck)

YALITZA APARICIO

Well that was a waste of a fucking bus fare.

INT. BACK AT THE HOUSE

YALITZA returns from her trip and finds the KIDS have set up their SLOT CAR RACING set, which is still running smoothly despite it being more than THREE HOURS since Christmas, and makes certain members of the AUDIENCE wish THEIR childhood slot racing sets had that kind of longevity NOT THAT IT MATTERS NOW.

YALITZA APARICIO

So how's everyone holding up?

MARINA DE TAVIRA

(drunkenly crashes car)

KIDS

(fight and throw shit)

YALITZA APARICIO

Ooookay. Grandma, how about some crib shopping, sound good?

EXT. DOWNTOWN MEXICO CITY

DRIVER GUY takes YALITZA and GRANDMA to go crib shopping.

DRIVER GUY

We gotta park here because of the student protest. Hey, I got a line, sweet! I get time and a half for that.

They go into the STORE full of HAPPY SHOPPERS browsing through HURDY-GURDY MOBILES and TRIPLE-HOSED VACUUMS and RAINSTICK SPINNERS and make their way to the CRIB department.

STORE MANAGER

Attention shoppers, it's time for our door-crasher special! Except the door-crashers in this case are government thugs here to murder some protestors. Sorry if I got your hopes up.

PENDEJO DE MIERDA

(waving gun around)

Nobody move.. oh shit, it's my ex! AAWWWK-WAARDDD! Ha ha, oh man, this just couldn't BE any more stressful!!

YALITZA APARICIO

Hold my water.

(water breaks)

They try to whisk YALITZA to HOSPITAL but make the crucial mistake of taking the NORTHBOUND DON VALLEY PARKWAY during EVENING RUSH HOUR and so achieve the blistering pace of a STUFFED MOUNTED DEAD DOG'S HEAD, providing a poignant illustration of why it's important to have robustly funded public transit systems.

INT. HOSPITAL

Finally at the hospital, YALITZA and her DOCTOR find themselves in an elevator with JODIDO.

YALITZA'S DOCTOR

Ah, Dr. Gilipollas. I believe you know Yalitza from your pre-scumfuck days. Would you like to come along to the operating room?

JODIDO GILIPOLLAS

Um, sure.

(renews passport)

Be right there.

(hooks stethoscope to Millennium Falcon)

Just gotta scrub IIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

(yanked off at lightspeed)

Sadly, despite everyone's best efforts, the baby is STILLBORN.

YALITZA APARICIO

Damn. Is it too late to set this movie in the present day where modern technology would have had a chance to save the baby?

NURSE

Sorry, we're stuck in 1971 where we do CPR maybe three times and that's all we got.

YALITZA APARICIO

Well shit.

EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - TUXPAN

To try and cheer everyone up, MARINA has taken YALITZA and the KIDS and their TOTES BITCHIN' TINKERTOYS, NOW THERE WAS A WELL-MADE DURABLE TOY, AH THE MEMORIES on a vacation to TUXPAN.

MARINA DE TAVIRA

Isn't this fun kids? I hope you'll always remember this special fun vacation we had, while your father is cleaning out all his shit back home and is abandoning you this very moment.

(smiles)

Look I got us all ice cream! Which I can barely afford in my new crap job that I had to take, despite being a fully qualified biochemist.

(points)

And that hilarious cartoony crab sculpture, isn't that zany how it represents the cruel claws of Fate bearing down on us? Ha ha ha!

The KIDS sit about eating THE SADDEST ICE CREAM EVER and then play a few rounds of MISERY-PUTT before it's time to leave.

EXT. THE BEACH, TUXPAN - HOME TO SUCH RICH LUXURIOUS SOUNDS OF ROLLING WAVES YOU COULD REALLY THROW OUT YOUR WHITE-NOISE MACHINE AND JUST PLAY THIS ON LOOP INSTEAD

YALITZA takes the KIDS to the BEACH, and two of them demand to go SWIMMING.

PACO

C'mon Yalitza, the water's so calm! And please take my word for it instead of looking at the vast expanse of rolling waves and churn.

YALITZA APARICIO

Hm, well I suppose I can trust you to be safe for a few seconds while I-

(blinks)

Holy fuck they're already drowning. What the hell.

YALITZA heroically rushes into the ocean and SAVES the two kids! As they return to shore, the OTHER KIDS gather round and everyone HUGS, forming a TABLEAU that NETFLIX decides to use as the fucking MAIN MENU IMAGE so as to COMPLETELY DESTROY THE SUSPENSE OF THE LAST BIG DRAMATIC SCENE OF THE WHOLE MOVIE.

INT. BACK HOME IN ROMA

The FAMILY returns to see that JODIDO has indeed taken all of his BOOKCASES but absolutely none of the BOOKS, clearly needing more shelf space for all his FUCKFACE-OF-THE-YEAR awards. YALITZA resumes her usual tasks, with the help of her maid friend NANCY.

NANCY GARCIA GARCIA

So how was the trip?

YALITZA APARICIO

It went okay. The kids learned about their parents officially separating, two of them almost died, and I confessed to having some bad thoughts about my baby, so y'know, good times! How's things here?

NANCY GARCIA GARCIA

Well, on one hand, we're a black-and-white foreign-language Netflix movie. But on the other hand, we did have TWO scenes of Experiencing the Magic of The Movies, which is Oscar crack, so I think we might just take it!

YALITZA APARICIO

Noice! Anyway I gotta hang these end credits to dry, catch you later.

END