FADE IN:

EXT. CITY STREETS

RYAN GOSLING sits in his CHEVY IMPALA waiting for TWO ROBBERS to finish ROBBING.  He is totally super smooth and cool.

ROBBER 1

Alright, my robbery bag is filled with robbery items, let's get the fuck out of here!

ROBBER 2

Yeah, hurry up, the cops are coming!  Why do you insist on being so totally super smooth and cool all the time, hurry the fuck up!

RYAN GOSLING

Okay, we'll go.  Or not.  I'm too cool to care. Whatever.

(drives)

The COPS show up and there is a HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASE!

ROBBER 1

Yeah Ryan!  Go go go!  This sequence is completely consistent with the marketing of this movie as "Transporter 5"!

ROBBER 2

Which validates my initial expectations about the rest of the movie, so there's no way I'm going to be bored and disappointed for the next hour-and-a-half!

RYAN calmly drives into a crowded baseball stadium and parks to evade the police.

ROBBER 1

What a totally super smooth and cool move! Look how clever, you even have a baseball cap for a disguise! So where are our disguises?

RYAN GOSLING

You don't have any. I'm leaving you in the car. Good luck or whatever, I guess.

ROBBER 2

What? We have no disguises and duffel bags full of crime, how the hell are we supposed to escape? Aren't you concerned we get arrested and give you up? Aren't you concerned you never get hired again since you're apparently the worst getaway driver ever?

ROBBER 1

Dammit, this movie better not just ignore the question of what happens to us simply by cutting to the next--

INT. RYAN'S APARTMENT BUILDING

RYAN meets CAREY MULLIGAN and her son KADEN LEOS.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Hi stranger.  Ignore the expression of infinite worry on my face, I'm attracted to you.

RYAN GOSLING

Because I'm mysterious and alluring, right?

CAREY MULLIGAN

I was going to go with bland and possibly autistic, but sure.  Mostly I'm just happy you didn't confuse me with Michelle Williams. Anyway, we should take another page from the 80's and use a montage sequence to show us falling in love.

RYAN GOSLING

(blank stare)

Mmmm. I should spend some of my ten lines bonding with your kid.

KADEN LEOS

Are you my new daddy?  Let's watch a cartoon together!  It's about a shark, but he's a bad guy because he's a shark!  Sharks are always bad guys!

RYAN GOSLING

Subtle.

EXT. RACETRACK

RYAN and his manager BRYAN CRANSTON meet with ALBERT BROOKS.

BRYAN CRANSTON

Ryan, I want you to meet Albert.  He's agreed to fund our racing business.  He and I go way back, he did some producing for me in the 80's.

ALBERT BROOKS

Yeah, we... wait, did you just say "in the 80's"?  I thought this movie took place in the 80's.

BRYAN CRANSTON

No, it takes place in 2011.  All of the cars other than Ryan's are modern.

ALBERT BROOKS

That can't be right.  The title was in a cursive hot-pink font.  For the first 30 minutes of the movie I thought I was watching someone play Grand Theft Auto Vice City.  Hell, the opening song was 80's music!

BRYAN CRANSTON

That was by Kavinsky, the guy who released the album "1986"...

ALBERT BROOKS

See?  I told you.

BRYAN CRANSTON

...in 2007.

RYAN GOSLING

But I'm wearing a puffy scorpion jacket and a denim shirt.

BRYAN CRANSTON

Yeah, you are. You're a douchebag.

ALBERT gives them a RACECAR which is NEVER RACED.

INT. RYAN'S APARTMENT BUILDING

RYAN discovers that CAREY'S husband OSCAR ISAAC is out of jail.

OSCAR ISAAC

Hey man, thanks for giving my wife and son such good cold, detached care while I was in jail.  My wife says you're a eunuch, what's that like?  Anyway, I'm going to go have all the sex with my wife that she assures me you didn't have.

RYAN GOSLING

Alright, cool, I don't care. My smooth exterior protects me from feelings or whatever.

OSCAR ISAAC

I owe a bunch of protection money to James Biberi though, so if you can think of any way to help me out I'd really appreciate it.

RYAN GOSLING

If I helped you, would it get me closer to Carey?

OSCAR ISAAC

Theoretically it would do exactly the opposite of that.

RYAN GOSLING

I'll do it.

RYAN, OSCAR, and totally expendable CHRISTINA HENDRICKS rob a PAWN SHOP.  It goes AWRY and OSCAR is KILLED, then they are CHASED.

CHRISTINA HENDRICKS

Oh no, James Biberi's plan that I agreed to of double-crossing Oscar also involved double-crossing me!  Maybe nobody will notice what a cliched crime story this has devolved into if the next 20 minutes are entirely in artsy slow-motion!

RYAN GOSLING

(blank stare)

Cool or whatever. Who cares? Not me.

CHRISTINA is SHOT IN THE FACE by MOBSTERS, but RYAN shoots them IN THE FACE before they can shoot him IN THE FACE.

INT. STRIP CLUB

RYAN confronts JAMES BIBERI at a strip club.  Having discarded his gun, RYAN uses a weapon perfectly appropriate for a GETAWAY/RACECAR/STUNT DRIVER, a HAMMER.

RYAN GOSLING

Tell me what happened with the robbery.  Or not.  Pfft.

JAMES BIBERI

Something about the pawn shop being a money-laundering front for the mob, I think?  The point is, Ron Perlman is behind it, and he's Albert Brooks's business partner.

RYAN GOSLING

(blank stare)

Of course he is.

RYAN goes to see CAREY MULLIGAN.

RYAN GOSLING

I suggested Oscar rob a place for some money and then he got killed doing it.  I still have the money if you want it.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Nope, nothing suspicious about that from my perspective.  I'd love to show a worried facial expression at the discovery that you're a criminal but I started this scene with a worried facial expression so there's nowhere to go now. Wait, how's this?

(acting)

RYAN GOSLING

You look like you're watching a video off-screen of cute zebras being killed by lions.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Perfect, I call that "The Mulligan"!

SOME MOBSTER tries to SHOOT RYAN IN THE FACE but RYAN KICKS HIM IN THE FACE and then STOMPS HIM IN THE FACE and then STOMPS HIM IN THE FACE some more.

CAREY MULLIGAN

You saved me.  You're a real hero.  And a real human bean.

RYAN murders RON PERLMAN with CARS then meets with ALBERT BROOKS.

ALBERT BROOKS

Thank you for meeting with me. I hope you can take me seriously as a dangerous gangster without constantly being distracted thinking of my comedic roles.

RYAN GOSLING

Should be fine, you were never really that funny.

ALBERT BROOKS

Fair enough. Look, just give me back the money and nobody else has to get hurt in over-the-top, hilariously violent ways.

RYAN GOSLING

If I did that, would Carey and I be able to live happily ever after?

ALBERT BROOKS

Theoretically it would do exactly the opposite of that.

RYAN GOSLING

I'll do it.

RYAN takes ALBERT to his CAR to get the MONEY.

ALBERT BROOKS

Even though I've shown myself to be cunning and ruthless, I'm going to stab you non-fatally in the stomach when you turn around!

RYAN GOSLING

Even though I've shown myself to be one step ahead of you, I'm going to allow this to happen.

(stabbed)

(stabs Albert way more)

ALBERT BROOKS

Is this really the big climax of the movie?  Shouldn't there at least be one more car chase or something? Is this what Bullitt would look like if it was directed by Sofia Coppola?

(dies)

RYAN GOSLING

I guess I'll just take the money and keep bribing critics to praise my acting in films where I act like Rain Man without the dialogue.

CAREY MULLIGAN

No bribery needed, right now you're being compared to guys with names like "Diesel" and "Rock". Critics are just happy to finally have a car chase movie their penises can enjoy without their brains jumping out of their skulls.

END