FADE IN:

EXT. CALIFORNIA, 1926

DIEGO CALVA is struggling to load an ELEPHANT into a TRUCK to take it to a PARTY.

DIEGO CALVA

Ooh, an elephant being taken to a party for Hollywood bigwigs? This reminds me of the hilarious-if-you-can-get-past-Peter-Sellers-as-an-Indian Blake Edwards comedy, The Party! I wonder if we’ll be capturing the same kind of light, upbeat, sometimes heartwarming tone that-

The ELEPHANT starts SHITTING COPIOUSLY all over DIEGO. There is about TEN VERY EXPLICIT SECONDS where the ELEPHANT’S RECTUM continuously showers DIEGO in a MASSIVE DELUGE OF DIARRHEA.

DIEGO CALVA

Yeugh!! This sucks, having to stand here and take all this shit being dumped on me by a gigantic asshole! I sure hope this isn’t foreshadowing or anything.

INT. HOLLYWOOD PARTY DREDGED FROM THE DEPTH OF HIERONYMUS BOSCH’S NIGHTMARES

DIEGO successfully gets the ELEPHANT to the PARTY, where TEN MILLION PEOPLE are packed into one MANSION, and they’re all YELLING and DANCING and DRINKING and MAKING OUT and DOING FISTFULS OF COKE and GETTING NAKED and FIGHTING and PUKING and FUCKING and there’s a HOOKER PEEING ON A FAT DUDE and a DWARF RIDING A POGO PENIS and basically it’s like an extremely R-rated WHERE’S WALDO.

DIEGO CALVA

(blocking ears against shrieking crowd and billion-decibel jazz)

Gah, what the fuck! I seem to have wandered directly into the third act of Baz Luhrmann’s The Wolf of mother! Street.

MARGOT ROBBIE drives her STOLEN CAR directly into the party, stumbles out wearing ONE FIFTH OF A COCKTAIL DRESS, inhales a BUCKET OF COCAINE, and greets DIEGO.

MARGOT ROBBIE

(Harley Quinn voice)

HIYA! I’M AN ASPIRING ACTRESS HOPING TO MAKE MY BIG BREAK IN HOLLYWOOD! IN A DAMIEN CHAZELLE MOVIE!

DIEGO CALVA

Geez, only four movies in and he’s already recycling ideas.

(glances at bandstand, sees Jovan Adepo as talented musician trying to make it in the cutthroat world of jazz)

Okay, if Neil Armstrong shows up I am OUT.

MARGOT ROBBIE

YEAH ANYWAY, MY PLAN IS TO JUST COME OUT CLUBBING IN A ROOM WHERE SOME HOLLYWOOD BIGWIGS EXIST, THEN THEY WILL AUTOMATICALLY CAST ME IN STUFF.

DIEGO CALVA

Yeah, a lot of entitled idiots come to this town thinking it’ll be that easy, but I’m sure it takes at least a tiny amount of actual effort-

HOLLYWOOD BIGWIG

(played by Flea of all people)

Fuck fuck shit, the peeing hooker overdosed and we were going to use her in a movie tomorrow, we’ll have to replace her with

(spins around three times, points randomly, gets Margot)

Whoever the hell that is!

DIEGO CALVA

Well that’s some bullshit right there.

Meanwhile, several miles away at the same party, drunken actor BRAD PITT runs into lesbian songstress LI JUN LI.

LI JUN LI

Hey there Brad! How many divorces are you up to so far?

BRAD PITT

(downs fifth of scotch)

Six. Actually, hold on a second.

(flags down waitress)

Could I get another scotch, also you’re very pretty, will you marry me?

WAITRESS

Aw, of course I’ll marry you. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I WANT A DIVORCE!

BRAD PITT

Sure, whatever.

(returns attention to Li)

Seven.

(downs fifth of scotch)

Say, my close friend Lukas Haas is up to his usual schtick, getting depressed because some pretty lady who was once briefly in the same room as him doesn’t love him. Could you dance with him and make him feel better?

(guzzles bottle of champagne)

LI JUN LI

You want to cheer up a guy who gets suicidal about one-sided non-starting relationships by having a gorgeous lesbian pretend to be interested in him? That sounds like it would lead to disaster.

BRAD PITT

It might do if the audience could keep track of the fact that this happened, but by the end of the wall-to-wall sensory assault that is this scene, they’ll be lucky to remember their own names.

(consumes entire tray of tequila shots, glasses and all)

The PARTY continues to invent new forms of OFFPUTTING DEBAUCHERY for a while longer, but eventually it mercifully ENDS, with DIEGO taking a blitzed BRAD home.

BRAD PITT

You have earned my respect, sir, for driving me to a place! As your reward you are now my personal assistant. Just remind me that I said any of this in the morning.

(passes out)

DIEGO CALVA

Sweet, this’ll mean I get to go to a movie set! And after the frantic chaos of the seemingly-endless party scene, it’ll be good to take a breather in a more controlled environment where-

EXT. ABOUT THIRTY MOVIE SETS ALL JUMBLED TOGETHER

Out in the HILLS, MARGOT is shooting a WESTERN for director OLIVIA HAMILTON, right next door to a GANGSTER MOVIE which is right next door to a PERIOD DRAMA which is right next door to a SWORD-AND-SANDALS MOVIE and SO ON and SO ON and about a million EXTRAS and CREW MEMBERS are running around shouting FRANTIC ORDERS at each other, meanwhile in a nearby field BRAD is STILL DRUNK and is shooting a HUMONGOUS BATTLE SCENE for director SPIKE JONZE where A THOUSAND GUYS IN UNIFORMS are SCREAMING and smashing each other with SWORDS and SPEARS and for real BLUDGEONING and GOUGING and KILLING EACH OTHER.

DIEGO CALVA

(blocking ears against thunder of simulated warfare and directors shrieking through megaphones)

GAH! Okay then, one half-hour noise frenzy ends, another begins, apparently that’s what we’re in for in this movie, shit.

On the WESTERN SET, OLIVIA deposits MARGOT in a corner.

OLIVIA HAMILTON

All right, as a random pretty face your job is to stand motionless over here until I say “cut”.

MARGOT ROBBIE

YOU GOT IT!

(immediately starts stripping and groping the actors and acting like a maniac)

OLIVIA HAMILTON

Ooh, you just completely ignored all instructions and started doing stuff that’s not meant to be in the movie! This makes you impressive, as opposed to, say, a fucking nightmare who’s impossible to work with. Can you act too?

MARGOT ROBBIE

I CAN MAKE WATER LEAK OUT OF MY EYES ON COMMAND, DOES THAT COUNT?

OLIVIA HAMILTON

That’s literally the only thing that you need! I don’t even care if overall your performance is total ham! ACTION!

Meanwhile after a TAKE in the BATTLE SCENE, while sweeping up the DEAD and MAIMED EXTRAS, they find the CAMERA has been smashed in the mayhem!

SPIKE JONZE

Fuck, that’s all dozen of the cameras we brought, destroyed! Damnit, David Lynch didn’t have to put up with this kind of bullshit in HIS cutesy director cameo this year. Somebody hurry up and find us a new camera before we lose the light and this whole movie is fucked!!

DIEGO CALVA

Shouldn’t you have thought of that at least three smashed cameras ago-

SPIKE JONZE

(slapping Diego)

BASIC PATTERN RECOGNITION IS NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION!! GET THE CAMERA OR THIS FIASCO BECOMES YOUR FAULT, PEON!!!

DIEGO hurries over to the CAMERA PLACE to get a new CAMERA, but there are TWO TYPES, does he get the RIGHT CAMERA?!? Well presumably yes because it’s never brought up again, he gets the camera back on set on the dot of golden hour and the SHOT is BEAUTIFUL and BRAD’S PERFORMANCE is MESMERIZING despite him being basically UNCONSCIOUS and the BATTLE and EXPLOSIONS form a MAGNIFICENT VISTA and it is MOVIE MAGIC AT ITS FINEST.

SPIKE JONZE

Aha! There, see? This is what makes it all worthwhile in the end.

DEAD PEOPLE

(stare accusingly with empty unseeing eyes)

Then BRAD goes and starts CUTTING THE MOVIE TOGETHER because uh, he’s the EDITOR as well? And on MARGOT’S MOVIE, LI composes the TITLE CARDS because in addition to being a famed STAGE MUSICIAN she’s also a TITLE CARD WRITER I guess?

JEAN SMART

Don’t forget my character, a renowned Hedda Hopper-style Hollywood gossip columnist, who later will also be shown working as an image consultant and dialect coach! Seriously, what is anybody’s job in this movie?

Both movies are HITS, and MARGOT’S STAR is on the RISE, aided by her RUTHLESS BACKSTABBERY and RAMPANT BITCHINESS, while BRAD’S ALREADY-BUOYANT STAR STAYS WHERE IT IS, allowing him to continue to indifferently GLIDE OVER ALL IN A MEDICATED HAZE, racking up a few more DIVORCES along the way.

BRAD PITT

Hooray, audiences love us both! Nothing can stop us massively beloved silent film stars now!

BÉRÉNICE BEJO rolls her eyes and motions towards a poster for SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN.

BRAD PITT

Oh God not this shit again.

Suddenly THE JAZZ SINGER is hurled through EVERYBODY’S CAREERS, DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH.

INT. SOUND STUDIO

MARGOT walks onto the set of her next movie with OLIVIA, which is now DEATHLY QUIET and STILL.

MARGOT ROBBIE

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU AIN’T-

SOUND RECORDIST

Margot, the microphone just exploded. Is it physically possible for you to tone anything about yourself down for a few minutes, do you think?

MARGOT ROBBIE

(physically straining)

wait a minute wait a minute you aint heard nothin yet

OLIVIA HAMILTON

Oh would you look how we’ve ruined movies! I mean, how much worse does this seem than the good old days of screaming chaos and on-set injuries and death that we showed earlier, right audience? ...Audience?

SOUND RECORDIST

Why do all nostalgic movies act like this transition was some kind of tragedy? Do they wish we still had to read a movie’s dialogue off of a fucking card? Do they also lament that phones were invented and robbed telecommunications of the noble art of morse code?

OLIVIA HAMILTON

(sighs)

Maybe you’ve got a point. At the very least it’s a relief to finally get a scene that isn’t wall-to-wall mayhem-

SOUND RECORDIST

MARGOT SPEAK UP, NOW WE CAN’T HEAR YOU FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!

MARGOT ROBBIE

WAIT A MIN-

SOUND RECORDIST

AND NOW YOU’RE OFF YOUR MARK!! REMEMBER, UNLESS YOU AIM YOUR THROAT AT THE EXACT DEAD CENTER OF THIS LASER-FOCUSED MICROPHONE, IT CANNOT HEAR YOU!!

MARGOT ROBBIE

WAIT-

SOUND RECORDIST

HOLD IT, IS SOMEBODY BREATHING? REMEMBER, ANY SOUND THAT HAPPENS IN THIS STUDIO WILL BE CAPTURED BY THIS ULTRA-SENSITIVE MICROPHONE! SOMEHOW THIS AND THE OTHER THING ARE TRUE AT THE SAME TIME!! WHO JUST COUGHED?! DO I HEAR A PIECE OF METAL EXISTING IN THIS ROOM?!? SHUT UP!! EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!!

MARGOT ROBBIE

YOU SHUT UP, THIS IS BULLSHIT, I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU SONSABITCHES!!

PRODUCER

WHO KEEPS OPENING THE DOOR?! I’LL KILL YOU!! YOU’RE ALL FIRED!!

CAMERAMAN

HELP, THIS SOUNDPROOF CAMERA COFFIN IS SO OVERHEATED IT’S GIVING ME A HEART ATTACK URRRK

(dead)

OLIVIA HAMILTON

Okay, it’s official. This movie has no energy level below “panic attack-inducing”. Fuck it, might as well do another interminable party scene.

EXT. ANOTHER EXHAUSTING HOLLYWOOD BACCHANALIA

Another GIGANTIC CROWD of HEDONISTIC REVELERS gather to SCREAM SOME MORE. BRAD, MARGOT, DIEGO and LI are all there again, and this time BRAD and MARGOT actually come face to face.

BRAD PITT

Don’t worry Ms. Tate, I’ll make sure those Manson family hippies don’t... wait, wrong movie. Why is it always a satire of old-timey Hollywood whenever I run into you?

MARGOT ROBBIE

WELL MAYBE WE COULD ACTUALLY SHARE SOME SCREENTIME THIS TIME AROUND! WHADDAYA SAY, WE COULD DO A NEW A STAR IS BORN, ONLY THIS TIME BOTH CHARACTERS ARE DOING THE WHOLE ALCOHOLIC PATH TO OBLIVION THING!

BRAD PITT

Nah, I think this is about enough interaction for you and me to have. Bye.

(leaves)

MARGOT ROBBIE

FUCK IT, IMMA GO FIGHT A SNAKE.

She finds a VENOMOUS SNAKE and FIGHTS IT, but it BITES HER!

MARGOT ROBBIE

AW DANG IT’S ATTACHED TO MY NECK, PUMPING WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH VENOM INTO MY BLOODSTREAM

(flails wildly)

YUP BETTER GET THAT HEART RATE UP, MAKE SURE I SPREAD THAT SHIT TO EVERY CORNER OF MY CARDIOVASCULAR SYSTEM

(collapses foaming at mouth)

GLERB FMNGK I PERISH PLORBF

(passes out)

DIEGO CALVA

Holy shit, they killed off Margot? I mean she wasn’t very likable or anything but daaang.

LI JUN LI

But wait! I choose this moment to act!

(sucks out poison)

Tada!

MARGOT ROBBIE

(springing up)

I’m fine now!

(makes out with Li)

DIEGO CALVA

Oh! So nothing has to make any sense? Why didn’t anybody tell me?

(runs up to Jovan)

Hey you, session musician, you should become a movie star, and me a studio executive who produces your movies!

JOVAN ADEPO

Well that sounds nice, but after how much the movie has established that we’re neglected peons, that would make no-

The movie IMMEDIATELY CUTS to THAT HAVING ALL HAPPENED.

DIEGO CALVA

Niiice. Now I’m a movie producer! It’s my job to handle stars and their fragile egos, put out fires, solve random crises, basically do whatever miscellaneous crap needs to be done in order make movies happen!

(pause)

...Which is exactly what I was doing before, I guess. But now I do it in a suit! I just hope I don’t have to compromise my morals or anything.

STUDIO BOSSES

Hey Diego, Margot and Li are being too gay for our tastes. Kick Li out of Hollywood.

DIEGO CALVA

Er... okay.

LI JUN LI

(leaves movie)

STUDIO BOSSES

Hey Diego, Jovan’s pretty black, but not black enough to do black movies, make him wear blackface.

JOVAN ADEPO

Fuck this shit.

(leaves movie)

DIEGO CALVA

Seriously guys, those were two of our only likable characters, ease up a bit please...

STUDIO BOSSES

Hey Diego, Margot’s too loud and obnoxious for sound audiences to handle, could you force her to change her entire personality.

DIEGO CALVA

(pause)

Actually I have absolutely no problem with that. Seriously, have you met her?

INT. PARTY THAT ACTUALLY SEEMS LIKE YOU COULD ATTEND IT WITHOUT SUFFERING AN ANEURYSM

The STUDIO takes on the ill-considered challenge of turning MARGOT into a CLASSY DRAMATIC ACTRESS. They work on her DICTION, her CLOTHES, and her MANNERISMS, then go to test-drive her at a SNOOTY PARTY.

DIEGO CALVA

Now Margot, all you have to do is make small talk with some posh people without acting like a psychotic brat for ten minutes, and then you can still have a career. That’s not so hard, is it?

MARGOT ROBBIE

(visibly sweating)

The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.

POSH PERSON

(smirks slightly)

MARGOT ROBBIE

AW FUCK ALL YOU PRICKS, YOU CAN EAT SHIT AND DIE!! YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME, HUH? JUST CAUSE I’M A DRUNKEN FOUL-MOUTHED DRUG-ADDLED SHRIEKING HARPY WITH ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES, A GAMBLING PROBLEM, NO IMPULSE CONTROL, AND A HABIT OF CLAWING MY WAY TO THE TOP BY EXPLOITING, MANIPULATING, AND SABOTAGING ANYBODY WHO GETS IN MY WAY? ...ACTUALLY DON’T ANSWER THAT. FUCK OFF!

(storms out)

DIEGO CALVA

I honestly might have been better off with the elephant diarrhea job.

INT. CINEMA

Elsewhere, BRAD has just released his first attempt at a TALKIE and has clandestinely come to see how audiences are responding to it.

BRAD PITT

I do hope people still like me when they have to hear my gravelly, mumbling vocal work. I mean I’ve been shown to be pretty serene and numb to most things I experience, so I’m sure this won’t hurt too bad.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Hey look everybody, Brad just gave a slightly stilted line reading! Ha ha ha! HAAAA HA HA HA HA!! BWAAAA HAA HAAAA HAHAHAHA HAAAAAAAA!!!!

ENTIRE AUDIENCE

(collapsing in paroxysms of hysterical laughter)

BRAD PITT

(bites lip, sheds single tear)

Whatever man. Psshhh. Like I care.

(runs away)

His career goes into a TAILSPIN.

BRAD PITT

Oh gossip columnist Jean Smart, I’m so depressed! Why I’ve now fallen so low that I’ve had to...

(looks around, makes sure nobody can hear)

...lend my star power to a major motion picture that’s got SCRIPT PROBLEMS!

(pause)

...So, aren’t you going to faint away in horror right now?

JEAN SMART

Look Brad, I’m sorry your movie star career has reached its inevitable tipping point now, when you’re nearly sixty years old and have already had several lifetimes' worth of fame and adulation. But consider that even if it all stops now, you’re leaving behind a legacy that will live for centuries. Why, decades after you’ve passed on, there will still be movie lovers watching your work, maybe even getting so obsessed with the era that they make indulgent and pretentious three-hour movies about it.

BRAD PITT

Gosh, you’re right. That’s a very heartwarming and reassuring way to look at it, Jean. Thank you.

(blows own brains out)

wait what

INT. DIEGO’S HOUSE

One day MARGOT shows up to see DIEGO in a panic.

DIEGO CALVA

Oh look it’s Margot, coming to interact with any given person. Can I assume it’s to offload yet more bullshit?

MARGOT ROBBIE

HELP ME DIEGO, I JUST RAN UP AN ENORMOUS GAMBLING DEBT WITH GANGSTERS AND I HAVE NO MONEY AND THEY’RE GONNA CHOP ME INTO ATOMS, FUCK FUCK SHIT

DIEGO CALVA

Quelle surprise.

He gets together the MONEY and brings it to yet another PARTY, which is being thrown by INSANE GANGSTER TOBEY MAGUIRE.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Hello Mr. Hollywood Man! Tell you what, I have all kinds of movie ideas myself. What about a BOSS... who was also a BABY?! No wait, that’s terrible even for a drugged-up weirdo pervert like me.

(glances to Diego’s left)

Hey, who’s this?

DIEGO CALVA

Oh, this is the man who got the money together for me. He’s a scuzzy drug dealer I barely know, and therefore the ideal person to entrust with-

DRUG DEALER

Psst Diego, all the money we handed the crazy murderer just now is Monopoly money, now let’s both follow him and his armed goons down to the lowest levels of his subterranean pleasure palace!

(shoves Diego into dungeon)

DIEGO CALVA

WHY IS EVERYBODY I KNOW AN UNSTABLE JACKASS?!?

They descend through several levels of TOBEY’S UNDERGROUND EYES-WIDE-SHUT-ESQUE KINK GALLERY, where all manner of oddball SEX ACTS are taking place, because apparently EVERY HUMAN GATHERING WAS AN ORGY back then. But then TOBEY discovers that the MONEY is FAKE!

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Betrayal! Attack, Fat Brother from My Name Is Earl Who Is Now Surprisingly Ripped!

DIEGO and the DRUG DEALER are forced to kill THE FAT BROTHER FROM MY NAME IS EARL WHO IS NOW SURPRISINGLY RIPPED and ESCAPE! They go and retrieve MARGOT.

DIEGO CALVA

Margot, come away with me! Despite the fact that you’ve been a narcissistic trainwreck since the day I met you and you’ve basically ruined my life, I love you, for some reason. Marry me?

MARGOT ROBBIE

WOW, EVEN I KNOW THAT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA, AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING. BYE FOREVER!

(ditches him)

Then TOBEY’S THUGS show up and KILL THE DRUG DEALER.

THUG

Yet Diego, who is right here in the same room, may arbitrarily live. Just get out of Hollywood and stay out!

DIEGO CALVA

Leave behind the world’s loudest, smelliest problem factory? Gee, somehow I think I’ll cope.

(leaves)

INT. CINEMA, 1952

Years later, DIEGO is visiting CALIFORNIA with his family when he stops by a CINEMA.

DIEGO CALVA

Well, it’s been a long time since I even saw a movie, what with my being embittered by the industry being such an unbearable shitshow, but maybe I can finally rediscover my love of movies by watching-

(checks ticket)

Wait, Singin’ in the Rain? The movie we’ve been homaging nonstop?

DIRECTOR DAMIEN CHAZELLE

I just wanted to officially quote my source so that no idiots in the audience could mistake my loving homage for a shameless ripoff. Anyway, how’d I do, Academy? Did I put in enough of that “magic of cinema” crap that you guys like so much?

ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURE ARTS AND SCIENCES

Sorry but we kind of filled up our “magic of cinema” quota with The Fabelmans. You did better than Empire of Light, at least!

DIRECTOR DAMIEN CHAZELLE

Yeesh, talk about damning with faint praise. Okay, hold on, I think I can “magic of cinema” even more, just watch:

He inserts an ACTUAL NO-FOOLING HISTORY-OF-MOVIES MONTAGE into the end of his movie, that shows CLIPS from all the HOLLYWOOD CLASSICS leading UP TO and then BEYOND the movie’s ending, coming all the way up to the MODERN AGE and even including FUCKING AVATAR.

DIRECTOR DAMIEN CHAZELLE

There we go! Did that put me over the top?

ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURE ARTS AND SCIENCES

(cringing so hard it seems like their spine might pop out the top of their skull)

DIRECTOR DAMIEN CHAZELLE

Oh like your montages are any less embarrassing.

END.