INT. APARTMENT

Editing Room author JOHN K. comes home after a long and successful day of NOT WRITING ABRIDGED SCRIPTS. As he rounds the corner to his TOTALLY RESPECTABLY-SIZED LIVING SPACE FOR THIS ECONOMY he sees DEADPOOL in his favorite chair, waiting for him.

JOHN K

Fuck. I could have sworn I fixed that fourth wall.

DEADPOOL

I’m the goddam Kool Aid Man of fourth walls, Johnny boy. Come to my loving embrace. We’re doing this thing.

JOHN K

I’m busy, man! I have an adult job now! And I’m working with this podcast lately, you should totally-

DEADPOOL

(seizing him by the lapels and slapping him)

Everyone. Has. A. Podcast. No. One. Cares. Now, get your bottle of Evan Williams and hop into this spaceship I stole from Neil Degrasse Tyson. You have a parody to write.

JOHN K

(furiously dialing his sponsor)

Your movies ARE parodies! I might as well write a “parody” to fucking Airplane! I can’t go down this road again, where are my pills?!

DEADPOOL

(slapping the phone from his hand)

John! John! Listen to me! With great Patreon donations… comes great responsibility…

Firmly but tenderly, DEADPOOL runs a GLOVED HAND through JOHN K’s HAIR. His white eyes SPARKLE with REPRESSED LONGING as he tilts his head, throwing the sharp lines of his MASKED FACE into contrast.

JOHN K

Mr. Deadpool, you’re trying to seduce me…

DEADPOOL

Fan fiction is easier than parody.

JOHN K

(quietly)

I never asked for this.

DEADPOOL

(putting a finger to his lips)

You didn’t have to.

Gently, their CREATIVE UNION begins.

INT. DIFFERENTER APARTMENT

DEADPOOL, who is sometimes called RYAN REYNOLDS but when he’s in the costume he’s THE GODDAM POOL OF DEATH, lies on a pile of explosives.

DEADPOOL

Hey folks, Ninja Bugs Bunny here. So after the first movie did better than anyone on planet earth had any right to expect, we were faced with a choice – evolve the concept into something fresh and new, or milk what worked until that teat is dryer than the Star Wars idea bucket. The old director chose the first option. He’s my pool boy, now. So, you nerds ready for ALL DEADPOOL ALL THE TIME?! MY FACE IS FUCKING WALLPAPERING THIS MOVIE, BITCHES!

He EXPLODES in a huge FLASH of CHARACTER OVEREXPOSURE!

Earlier, PROGERIA RYAN REYNOLDS comes home after a long day of MERCENARYING.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Honey, I’m ho-oome!

MORENA BACCARIN

Hey sweetheart, how was your killing montage?

RYAN REYNOLD

Kind of rote and predictable, honestly. When your superpower is immortality and being perfect at everything, it kind of kills the tension.

MORENA BACCARIN

That’s a shame. You know, lazy screenwriters often try to inject pathos and vulnerability into an invincible character by killing off their girlfriend. Jason Bourne, Blade, Anakin Skywalker, James Bond like fifty times…

RYAN REYNOLDS

(laughs)

What kind of hack screenwriters did people use back then?! Unrelatedly, have you developed your superpowers yet? Strong female protagonists are kind of a thing lately, now’s the perfect time for a Deadpool/Copycat team-up film.

MORENA BACCARIN

I was thinking we should have a kid first.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Well, that’s completely random but okay! Every series gets better when the main characters settle down and have a kid! Oh man, I’m feeling so optimistic for my future right now!

But then some RANDOM BAD GUY kicks in the front door and SHOOTS MORENA!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Yay, I’m free! I mean, oh god no, the pathos consumes me!

RYAN swears REVENGE! And ends up KILLING THE GUY like TEN SECONDS LATER.

END.

WAIT THERE’S MORE.

INT. BAR OF GANGSTERS

A despondent FUGLY RYAN goes to get some friendly advice from his best bartender buddy TJ MILLER due to MILLER recently having outed himself as a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH, his role in this ABRIDGED SCRIPT will henceforth be played by esteemed children’s entertainer FRED ROGERS.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I don’t know, Fred. I just don’t feel the same ever since Morena got stuffed in the fridge. I mean, I still crack wise when I breathe, and I’m no worse at killing things, but our romantic arc was actually pretty entertaining in the first movie. Can I really carry this whole franchise on my own?

FRED ROGERS

Well, neighbor, that reminds me of something my father used to say – everybody carries a big knapsack full of problems around with them every day. And sometimes it gets a little heavier than you can bear. And maybe you can’t put it down, but you can certainly take some of the problems out of your bag and put them into mine.

RYAN REYNOLDS

What a convenient way for me to shoehorn in some backstory about my father being a dick. My father was a dick. There. Consider this shoe horned.

FRED ROGERS

My, you do love your silly jokes, don’t you? I think it’s good that you like to share your humor with the world. Nothing brings friends closer together.

RYAN REYNOLDS

You’re right! I need a team of marketable young faces who aren’t quite as funny as me so I don’t get outshone! Friends! Family, etc.! If I say these words out loud enough times, this movie will have a theme! Thanks, Fred!

RYAN goes home and KILLS HIMSELF.

END.

WAIT.

INT. X-MANSION

RYAN wakes up surrounded by the REJECT X-MEN from the FIRST FILM.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Fuck, that’s right. I’m immortal.

CGI SHINY STEFAN KAPI?I?

Da, Cheese-Faced Improv Man. You have bad habit of forgetting this.

DEADPOOL

Shove it, Google Chrome. I’m depressed. My lady friend got canceled by FOX. I’m not participating in any plot until everyone knows this.

BRIANNA HILDEBRAND

#CantRelate. I have a girlfriend now. Yeah, that’s right, I’m the first LGBT character in a superhero movie. What now, bitches?

DEADPOOL

Well, apart from me, I guess. Or did all the jokes about me wanting to get under Stefan’s Cast-Iron Curtain not communicate the fact that I’m bi?

CGI SHINY STEFAN KAPI?I?

Pool, as we have established many time, your Genie-from-Aladdin schtick masks a deep inner pain.

DEADPOOL

How is that “masked”, exactly? I talk about my pain all the time.

CGI SHINY STEFAN KAPI?I?

Even so, you are good man, I guess. Join our glorious X-Union. We shall show you a better path to love and family.

DEADPOOL

Shit, you said the magic theme word. Fiiiine, I’ll participate in my own movie.

The newly-christened team of D-LIST X-MEN go to another MUTANT SCHOOL somewhere, because apparently those are JUST SORT OF EVERYWHERE NOW? They see young JULIAN DENNISON about to be SCHWACKED by police due to him shooting FIRE at everything.

DEADPOOL

Hang on, guys, I sense this angry adolescent is a prime target for my meme-able charms. Greetings, angry youth! I’m Deadpool, from T-Fury, DeviantArt, and probably some comics at some point. Care to stop burning people?

JULIAN DENNISON

The evil headmaster of this school has been torturing mutants like me to control our powers! Behold my flashback!

In the RECENT PAST, we see JULIAN being strapped to a chair while the EVIL HEADMASTER prepares to-

DEADPOOL

Yeah okay, that’s great but I didn’t see my face in that flashback so it has to end. Let’s get back to the violence!

BRIANNA HILDEBRAND

Not that I care or whatever, but like, we don’t kill.

DEADPOOL

Bull. Shit. X-Men kill all the fucking time. Or are those Wolverine claws meant for anesthesia?

CGI SHINY STEFAN KAPI?I?

Is new rule we picked up between the last two or three reboots of continuity. X-Men do not kill now.

DEADPOOL

(holding a henchman’s severed head)

Okay, but we’re starting after this one, right?

DEADPOOL gets his own ass HANDED TO HIM and is sent to one of those SECRET PRISONS superhero movies are so fond of.

MEANWHILE…

EXT. FIELD

Redneck MATT DAMON and ALAN TUDYK are drinking beer in a field. NO REALLY.

ALAN TUDYK

So, then I said “Fuck yeah, I’ll play a chicken! Fifty thousand dollars please!” Man, acting’s easy.

MATT DAMON

You know what’s even easier than acting? Cameos! I’m doing ‘em all the time now, it’s like getting paid to jerk off.

ALAN TUDYK

God, this is so much better than working.

JOSH BROLIN appears from the FUTURE.

JOSH BROLIN

I need your clothes, your boots, and your shitty Silverado.

MATT DAMON

Hey, Josh. I see you’ve got the same idea. How many times is “Grizzly Angry Man Who Punches Things” on your resume right now?

JOSH BROLIN

‘Bout to be one more.

JOSH knocks them both out and takes their CAR.

INT. “ICE BOX” SECRET DETENTION FACILITY

PSORYANSIS REYNOLDS finds JULIAN is his CELLMATE.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Well kid, it looks like we’re Odd Coupling it up for the rest of this movie. You got any cool powers or clever escape plans? Because with this neck collar on, my powers don’t work and I’ll die of cancer soon.

JULIAN DENNISON

Sorry, all I’ve got are jokes about hiding things up my ass.

RYAN REYNOLDS

You got anything that could rev up this film again?

JULIAN DENNISON

(rooting around in there)

Let me see. I’ve got some foreshadowing about a super mutant somewhere in this jail, a couple side villains that got trimmed for time, and… wait, what’s this?

A SHITTY SILVERADO containing JOSH BROLIN pops out.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Fuck, he looks angry. More so than when he’s happy, anyway. RUN!

JOSH starts TERMINATORING after them, smashing the PRISON as he goes.

JOSH BROLIN

Step away from the child you barely know.

RYAN REYNOLDS

No! I have decided to role model this boy! Perhaps he can fill the hole my dead wife once occupied.

JOSH BROLIN

Ew. No, you don’t understand. In one of the many bleak futures the X-Men films are hurtling towards, this young man grows up to become the psycho-murderer who will kill my family. Rather than use my foreknowledge of this event to, uh, move my family somewhere else, I must kill Julian to prevent these events from occurring.

RYAN REYNOLDS

You could have just said “It’s like Looper but I have a robot arm”. But alas, I am without my powers. Oh, the ballet of violence we could enact if only I wasn’t-

His COLLAR just sort of FALLS OFF because someone POKED IT.

RYAN REYNOLDS

DEADPOOL’S BACK, GOONIE BOY!

They FIGHT. RYAN gets his SPINE folded into a QUANTUM STATE of PAIN and then is PUNTED out into the SNOW.

INT. BAR

A FROZEN and PARTIALLY DISMEMBERED RYAN drags his SORRY ASS back into the BAR.

FRED ROGERS

My my, friend. It looks like you had quite a ruckus out there. Would you like some cocoa?

RYAN REYNOLDS

I need more than that, Fred. We’re like an hour in and I’m still not sure where this movie’s going. Also I’ve been terrible at pretty much everything so far. Any thoughts?

FRED ROGERS

Ryan. Can I call you Ryan? I think I have just the thing. I reached out to a few friends around the neighborhood who’d be happy to join in your project, and wouldn’t you know it, they all agreed to help!

RYAN REYNOLDS

That’s great! What other weak-ass mutants did we get the rights to? Speedball/Penance would be hilarious. Or maybe Puck and Sasquatch so I can keep up with the Canadian jokes? Oh, did we use Jubilee yet? I mean, if I have to ask it couldn’t have been important-

FRED ROGERS

Unfortunately, these heroes are even more obscure. But I’m told they’re all being played by funny cameo people! Isn’t that nice?

We go through a quick MONTAGE where RYAN interviews TERRY CREWS, INVISIBLE BRAD PITT, and some OTHER ACTORS who you KIND OF RECOGNIZE.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Heh, that was funny. At least if you haven’t seen the exact same scene in Mystery Men. Welp, looks like I have my League of Sub-Ordinary X-Men. Let’s go rescue Julian!

INT. AIRPLANE ABOVE THE CITY

JULIAN rides in a PRISON TRUCK through the middle of the CITY. DEADPOOL ET AL decide PARACHUTING IN is better than UBERING. The fact that they acknowledge how STUPID this is makes it a JOKE and not LAZY WRITING.

DEADPOOL

Okay, Cavalcade of Cameos. Get out there and make your franchise daddy proud!

Everyone jumps out of the PLANE and directly into an UPDRAFT which cycles them through SEVERAL UNCOMFORTABLE PRESSURE CHANGES before placing them into an ENORMOUS PINBALL MACHINE that BOINGS them around for a bit and then LAUNCHES them into the RECTAL TRACTS of two MATING APATOSAURI who become OVERWHELMED by COITAL PLEASURE and thus PLUNGE into the nearby VOLCANO that had so inflamed their PASSIONS moments before. They all DIE.

DEADPOOL

Heh. That was funny. But I guess that means I have to do this solo, yet again. Ah, the curse of being a lonely, handsome anti-hero with all this lovely spotlight just for-

ZAZIE BEETZ

(parachuting in)

Not so fast! Hope you’ve got the munchies, because Domino’s coming in 30 minutes or less!

DEADPOOL

Oh great, another flippy-swordy ninja character. Tell me you’ve got at least got a cool gimmick.

ZAZIE BEETZ

Well, apart from rocking this kickass ‘fro, my super power is shit just always works out for me, even when I make terrible decisions. You’re probably familiar with that, right Green Lantern?

DEADPOOL

How dare you! Those are MY words! I hope you die!

ZAZIE lands and starts running through TRAFFIC and a CAR almost HITS HER but then the VOLCANO from earlier ERUPTS and a TOASTED APATOSAURUS CORPSE flattens the vehicle causing its HAPLESS DRIVER to be THROWN from the WRECKAGE allowing ZAZIE to SURF on his BACK towards the TRUCK where two BAD GUYS start shooting at her but their BULLETS are ABSORBED by a nearby bus full of INNER CITY STUDENTS on their way to a CHARITY POETRY SLAM which then crashes into a CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL, after which the SOULS of the DEAD CHILDREN form sort of a SHOCKWAVE propelling ZAZIE onto the BAD GUY’S TRUCK. And then she finds a TENNER on the floor.

DEADPOOL

Wow. I wonder how many orphan mutants I’ll have to be a father to in order to offset all the innocent bystanders you just killed. But I guess you’re cool-but-not-quite-as-cool-as-me enough to be in my movie. Continue ninja-ing.

ZAZIE and DEADPOOL murder their way across the TRUCK, but suddenly JOSH appears again!

JOSH BROLIN

Get out of my way. Julian’s insane. He’ll kill us all.

DEADPOOL

Yeah, no he won’t. I’m immortal and her power is plot armor. Literally nothing can hurt us.

JULIAN DENNISON

I’ve just pulled a new friend out of my ass who disagrees!

From JULIAN’S ASS emerges the TERRIFYING MUTANT who was FORESHADOWED EARLIER in the film.

DEADPOOL

Ooooh, who’s it gonna be?! Avalanche? Hope Summers? Morph always had a lot of potential. Or fuck it, just cram Mr. Sinister in here, he’s campy enough for-

JUGGERNAUT pops out. YUP. Just straight up JUGGERNAUT.

ZAZIE BEETZ

Really? The big surprise was a character from the X-Men movie so bad it took four more films to reboot it out of existence?

DEADPOOL

Hey, shut up! Juggernaut’s cool! Also, I’m playing him, so you know, be nice.

ZAZIE BEETZ

Of fucking course you are. Does your wrist hurt from jerking off all over the film reel?

DEADNAUGHT/JUGGERPOOL

Okay, you know what, Juggernaut smash!

RYAN REYNOLDS-AS-JUGGERNAUT destroys everything and pulls RYAN REYNOLDS-AS-DEADPOOL in half! He flees with JULIAN.

INT. APARTMENT

While ZAZIE signs contracts for FUTURE MOVIES and RYAN waits for his BABY LEGS to turn into MANBABY LEGS, our two heroes are visiting by LESLIE UGGAMS, RYAN’s BLIND ROOMMATE from the FIRST MOVIE.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Hey.

LESLIE UGGAMS

Drugs.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Aaaand we’re done with that character again. Someone make something happen.

JOSH reappears.

JOSH BROLIN

I’ve decided to join you. Your devotion to the child I want to murder has loosened tiny cracks of humanity in the flinty stone that is my robo-heart.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I trust you, but only because you’re bankable AF right now.

JOSH BROLIN

But be warned, if you fail to make that kid reverse a lifetime of justified revenge fantasies against the human population that tortured and shunned him, I’m going to go No Country for Old Men on his ample ass.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Fair enough. But I don’t think we can tag team this one. I need-

FRED ROGERS enters with the MUTANT MAMBO in tow.

FRED ROGERS

Hello again, neighbor. Care for a few helping hands?

CGI SHINY STEFAN KAPI?I?

Ryanpool, we have decided to give you yet another in long line of second chances. Though annoying, murderous, and incapable of following direction, you are worthy partner and friend or something.

ZAZIE BEETS

Even though you abandoned him in a supermax prison earlier?

BRIENNE HILDEBRAND

Yes. Also, we know if we stop tongue-bathing you we’ll wind up like Morena.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Awww, you guys! C’mere!

Wary of the NEW DIRECTOR holding their CONTRACTS over a FIREPLACE off-camera, the X-CREW allow RYAN to draw them into a HUG.

EXT. EVIL MUTANT SCHOOL

DEADPOOL and the GLOWER RANGERS arrive at the school JUST IN TIME to discover that JULIAN has already burnt MOST OF IT DOWN!

DEADPOOL

We are so good at this. Alright, on the count of three, you all stay here and I’ll just run in and do everything. Ready? Three!

But then JUGGERNAUT pops out!

CGI SHINY STEFAN KAPI?I?

RedFool, perhaps I should fight other character? Colossus and Juggernaut are subject of many What If fights, for us to battle would be much, how you say, fan service?

DEADPOOL

Yeah, fine, go service my fans.

CGI STEFAN charges forward for a glorious-

DEADPOOL

And that’s enough of that. Let’s get back to my extremely aggressive adoption.

DEADPOOL and JOSH enter the BURNING SCHOOL and discover JULIAN has the EVIL HEADMASTER at his mercy!

JOSH BROLIN

Ten seconds to touch this kid’s very soul or I’m nuking from orbit.

DEADPOOL

Oh, I’ll touch this kid. I’ll touch this kid so hard.

(to JULIAN)

Listen, Julian. I know you’re carrying a lot of pain. You can’t be expected to let it go all at once. You’d put it down in a moment if you could. But you carry it, every day, and that makes you even angrier and it hurts all the more. But you need to understand, the bad guys like the headmaster here, they can only be gone when they mean nothing to you. You need to forgive, not because he deserves it, but because if you let your anger consume you, this is all you’ll ever be.

With a truly OSCARPEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARD-WORTHY display of HUMANITY and ACTING PROWESS, DEADPOOL convinces JULIAN to lower his FLAMES.

JULIAN DENNISON

Maybe I CAN learn to be a better person, like you. Thank you, Deadpool.

DEADPOOL removes his MASK to reveal FRED ROGERS.

FRED ROGERS

Not a problem, neighbor.

But then JOSH looks at the SCRIPT for INFINITY WAR PART 2, and his incredible SHOCK at the CONTRIVED WAY they’re bringing all the HEROES BACK causes him to FIRE A BULLET directly at the hugging pair!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(diving in)

Nooooooooooooooo!

He TAKES the BULLET! And oh yeah, somehow the COLLAR OF STAKES-RAISING is back on him so he can DIE!

JOSH BROLIN

You… you gave your life for Julian. This boy would go on to kill hundreds, and you… you felt he was worth all this…

RYAN REYNOLDS

(dying)

Fuck, Julian’s here? I was trying to save Mr. Rogers… shit… ohhh that bullet’s in there deep…

The other TEAMMATES gather round to view RYAN’s dying acting.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Guys… this has been a fun sequel… definitely in the “if you like more of the same, then here’s dessert” vein… but not everything needs to be Godfather Pt. 2…

(to STEFAN)

Steve, you’ve been a good straight man… All I hope is that someday… we get a big enough CGI budget… that we can render how much I love you… and also some better model-rigging maybe, you do kind of float on screen…

CGI SHINY STEFAN KAPI?I?

Is alright, Pool. Your Juggernaught side-gig had to happen, apparently.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(to BRIENNE)

Bri-Bri… you’re the avocado to my toast… keep killing haters like you’re killing the fabric softener industry… #MuchLove… #Feels… #BuddiesOfInstagram…

BRIENNE HILDEBRAND

#PleaseDieAlready.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(to JOSH)

And Discount Tommy Lee Jones… I think I’m going to miss you most of all… we made a pretty good team… just remember, no matter how big you get… Goonies… never… say…

(dies)

JOSH BROLIN

(feels two whole heartbeats)

Fuck.

In the AFTERLIFE, a HEALED RYAN goes to see MORENA.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Hey babe. I tried having a kid for a bit and then I died.

MORENA BACCARIN

That’s about what I expected from you as a father, yeah.

RYAN REYNOLDS

You’ve been watching over me?

MORENA BACCARIN

Of course. I saw your Frozen jokes, and you goofing on Patrick Stewart, and how you’re still riffing on Wolverine: Origins. Trendy shit. This was easily the funniest movie of 2013. You should be proud.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Wanna try making a ghost baby?

MORENA BACCARIN

Yeah, weirdly, I didn’t appreciate being reduced to the role of “Dog from John Wick”. Get back to that two-hour meme you call a movie, and don’t talk to me again unless I get my superpowers.

RYAN awakens, alive!

DEADPOOL

But how?!

JOSH BROLIN

I used my last Flux Capacitor to make the bullet only slightly kill you. Seeing my family alive and well in the future is a nice thought, but your selflessness over the past fifteen minutes made me realize you deserve me more than they do.

DEADPOOL

Yay! Everything’s working out great! Is there anything we haven’t wrapped up?

The EVIL HEADMASTER gets flattened by KARAN SONI, the CAB DRIVER from the FIRST MOVIE!

DEADPOOL

Okay, NOW everything’s working out great! I gotta say, folks, this has been a really decent sequel. And I gotta say, John K., that you need to get your shit together and pump more of these fuckers out.

JOHN K. douses his CIGARETTE in the ASH TRAY on the NIGHTSTAND as DEADPOOL rises from the BED and begins doing his TIE.

JOHN K

I know, I know. Writing is hard, okay?

DEADPOOL

No it isn’t. Writers say that when they want to get paid to drink under a conference table. I would know.

He puts on a STETSON HAT and turns to the door.

JOHN K

Can… can you come back for the third one?

DEADPOOL turns and faces JOHN K on the bed.

DEADPOOL

(smiling)

As you wish…

END.

OH ALSO THE AFTER-CREDITS ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS, JUST FYI.