INT. SCENE 1 -- DARKENED MOVIE THEATRE

1. In the beginning, ARONOFSKY created the concept for the film.

2. And the FILM was without form, and void; and DARKNESS was upon the face of the screen.

3. And ARONOFSKY said, let there be a TITLE; and there was a title. And HE said, let there be an exclamation point at the end of the title, that it may resemble a DAFFY DUCK quote. And ARONOFSKY saw the title, and that it was lower-case, and it was good.

4. And the editing and the splicing, was the first REEL.

FADE IN:

INT. SCENE 2 -- ALLEGORY FOR ALL BIBLICAL HISTORY WHOOPS I MEAN BIG OL' COUNTRY HOUSE

1. And ARONOFSKY said, let there be a MONTAGE. And JAVIER BARDEM put a CRYSTAL on a shelf, and a BURNED-UP HOUSE gradually became a NON-BURNED-UP HOUSE. And ASH became WOOD, and a STACK OF BAD REVIEWS became an ACADEMY AWARD nomination, and a LUMP OF CRUD ON A BED became JENNIFER LAWRENCE waking up.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(actual line!)

Baby?

(pause!)

Damn. Well here goes...

F/X: CREAKY OLD HOUSE NOISES CREAKITY CREAK CREAK

2. And JENNIFER went about the house in search of JAVIER, but found only her own AEREOLAE.

JAVIER BARDEM

Boo! Here I am! Sorry to startle you by appearing suddenly.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(relieved!)

Oh that's okay, ha ha.

JAVIER BARDEM

Well not to worry, I'm sure that won't happen another dozen or so times, since the jump-scare is also the easiest, most basic scare.

(grins widely)

Yay, you made breakfast! Thank you for PROVIDING THE NECESSARY CONDITIONS TO SUPPORT LIFE.

(winks)

INT. SCENE 3 -- UNFINISHED ROOM

1. And JENNIFER went unto the room, that she might paint it; and there were two BLAND-AS-FUCK COLOURS that she might choose to paint the room.

2. And JENNIFER placed a sample of one BLAND-AS-FUCK COLOUR upon the wall, and to know its goodness she pressed herself AGAINST the wall, staring deep within to view the BEATING HEART INSIDE THE WALL OR SOME SHIT.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Woah. So this seems like either a "Black Swan" I'm-crazy situation, or a "Fountain" this-shit-is-just-weird situation. Well I know which one the critics are rooting for...

INT. SCENE 4 -- THE STUDY

1. And JAVIER sat down to write, and before him was his OLDE-TYMEY PEN AND PAPER, for his computer had only WORDPERFECT installed upon it and verily FUCK THAT NOISE, YEAH I SAID IT, COME AT ME BRO

JAVIER BARDEM

Argh, I can't seem to CREATE! I feel so un-INTELLIGENT when I can't DESIGN anything!

(winks)

2. And there was a KNOCK upon the door, which...

F/X: SUPER LOUD KNOCKING NOISE KNOCKITY KNOCK HEY MAYBE IT'S HULK COMING FOR TEA

...um, yea, truly the knock made a most triumphant sound, heard by all the people. And the door was opened, and ED HARRIS was revealed to be without.

ED HARRIS

Hello! I was hoping I could hang with you guys, mess things up, smoke indoors, generally intrude on shit?

(coughs)

(farts)

(horks booger)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(nervous!)

This makes me nervous Javier. We don't know him from ADAM!

(winks)

JAVIER BARDEM

No no, he must stay! He'll inspire me to write many BOOKS with CHAPTERS and VERSES in them.

(winks)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(anxious!)

I'm so anxious! Must have some of my radioactive Metamucil!

3. And JENNIFER went unto her room and poured herself WATER, and to it she added many GLOW-IN-THE-DARK FLAVOUR CRYSTALS. And lo, the pounding in her head did cease, and a great calm settled across her bowels.

INT. SCENE 5 -- LATER THAT NIGHT

F/X: HEY YOU KNOW HOW HOUSES SQUEAK AT NIGHT, SQUEAKITY SQUEAK SQUEAK, WHEEEEE

1. And JENNIFER awoke late in the night, for she heard the hacking and wheezing of ED. And she went forth and found ED hunched over the TOILET, and JAVIER was with him.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(concerned!)

Holy shit Ed, are you coughing up a lung or something? I should warn you I can't flush anything larger than a heart without clogging the pipes...

JAVIER BARDEM

NO HE'S NOT AND HE'S NOT COUGHING UP A RIB EITHER, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BRING UP HIM MISSING A RIB ANYWAY HUH

(shuts door)

INT. SCENE 6 -- THE NEXT MORNING

1. That morning JENNIFER awoke again, and she wondered what WEIRD-ASS SHIT would be bestowed on her that day. And she went downstairs, that she might learn.

ED HARRIS

Wow, I feel great! Still gonna smoke though, as a reminder of my MORTALITY!

(winks)

2. And there was another knock upon the door and YEA IT WAS A REGULAR SOUNDING KNOCK THIS TIME, and once more the door was opened, and MICHELLE PFIEFFER did appear unto them, and they did gaze upon her.

MICHELLE PFIEFFER

Hi everyone, I'm Ed's wife. I was just out here admiring the EAVES on the house.

(winks)

Come here you!

3. And ED and MICHELLE SMASHED their GAPING MOUTHS together, that they might POWER-VACCUM their TONSILS, one unto another. And having sucked down each other's LEFTOVER BREAKFAST, JAVIER took them into the house, that he might show them his STUDY.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(disquieted!)

This situation disquiets me.

F/X: FUCK YEAH LET'S DISQUIET THIS SHIT, HEY DID YOU JUST PUT DOWN A GLASS? COOL WE'LL JUST SLAM THIS WATERMELON INTO A CHINA HUTCH

JAVIER BARDEM

Welcome to my study. You've heard of Elf on the Shelf, now get ready for this strange crystal that I'm implying is the power centre of the entire house, somehow! Fuck you it totally rhymes. Did I mention I have writer's block?

4. And JAVIER and ED went out, that JENNIFER might paint more of the HOUSE. But alas, MICHELLE did not receive the memo about not sticking her NOSE in people's SHIT, and chose to get PLASTERED and get her FACE all up within JENNIFER'S GRILL.

MICHELLE PFIEFFER

(drunkenly)

So do you guys fuck a lot? Is he impotent? Is it weird fucking an older guy? I wouldn't normally try to gain all this TABOO KNOWLEDGE except I've had so much of this FORBIDDEN FRUIT, I mean, HARD LEMONADE.

(winks)

5. And JENNIFER looked upon MICHELLE with great disfavour, and judged her to be a SKANKY BEE-YATCH. And when JAVIER returned, JENNIFER pleaded with him to exile ED and MICHELLE, but yea ED had made great supplication unto JAVIER and bought much MERCHANDISE of his, so JAVIER was unmoved.

F/X: OH HEY GUYS SOMETHING JUST SHATTERED UPSTAIRS, NOT SURE YOU HEARD US DRIVING A FREIGHT TRAIN THROUGH THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

ED HARRIS

Oh shit! We broke the crystal! Does this mean the house is gonna collapse now or something?

JAVIER BARDEM

I may certainly have implied that BUT NO! NOTHING WILL HAPPEN YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(upset!)

You two are the worst houseguests ever. I need you to leave!

MICHELLE PFIEFFER

Why are you still treating us like real-world bad houseguests anyway? Don't you know what's really happening?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(shrugs!)

Yeah sometimes it seems that way, other times I treat things totally at face value. I went over the script like 300 times and couldn't find any consistency so I'm just rolling with it.

MICHELLE PFIEFFER

Guess I'll just fuck Ed in front of you and use the power of EXTREME AWKWARDNESS to force you to go away.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(affronted!)

Arghh this makes my head hurt so much! Images of burnt-up house creeping into edges of frame! Must have more Sparkling Golden Tang!

6. And JENNIFER drank of her FIREFLY JUICE and some measure of calmness was restored to her. But lo, BRIAN and DOMNHNALL GLEESON didst appear unto her, and unto ED and MICHELLE, and they ARGUED, one to another.

BRIAN GLEESON

Ed cut me out of the will! I'm your son Ed, how CAIN you do this to me?

(winks)

DOMHNALL GLEESON

Hey, Ed is perfectly ABEL to do whatever he wants, asshole!

(winks)

7. And the GLEESONS struggled greatly amongst themselves, and one CONKED the other upon the head, and there were many left unsure as to WHICH GLEESON had brained the other.

F/X: HEAD WOUND?!? AW YEAH, JUST A SEC THERE'S A NINETY-POUND ANVIL AND A COW STOMACH AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE

JAVIER BARDEM

Shit! We must get whichever Gleeson it is to hospital, everyone except Jennifer come with me!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(befuddled!)

What the hell dude? You know perfectly well there's no "hospital" to go to, this house is inside a tiny circle of life with only scorched hellscape beyond it.

JAVIER BARDEM

I guess I mean the metaphysical hospital..?

8. And they departed, leaving JENNIFER alone, that she might attend to her TO-DO LIST.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(harried!)

Right then: scrubbing the bloody quasi-organic pustule in the floor, check. Make a blood-soaked lightbulb explode in my face, check. Find secret door in the basement, releasing plague of one frog, wink, check. Get jump-scared by the Gleeson who's not dead, CHECK OH SHIT DUDE. C'mon. Phew. Right, one thing left GETTING JUMP-SCARED BY JAVIER OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

JAVIER BARDEM

(solemn)

Other Gleeson is dead. We tried taking him to some tree of life thing but he wound up growing flowers out of every orifice and was swallowed by the ground. Anyway I agreed to host the wake.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(worried!)

But this worries me!

JAVIER BARDEM

Don't worry, my GODDESS.

(winks)

INT. SCENE 7 -- THE FUNERAL WAKE

1. And lo, ED and MICHELLE came unto them in their grieving cloaks, and behind them came an ENTOURAGE OF MOURNING DOUCHE-CANOES that filled the dining room, and many other rooms beside.

MICHELLE PFIEFFER

Thank you for the use of your home. Javier, if you could say a few words? Jennifer, if you could fuck off and die you filthy whore?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(taken aback!)

That seems excessive...

JAVIER BARDEM

Ah yes. Listen carefully everyone. Do you hear that small voice crying? Crying out to be heard? It's a song, a song, high above the trees, with a voice as big as the sea; with a voice as big as the sea. Verily, it's playing with the big boys now.

RANDOM DOUCHE-KAYAK

That sure was moving. Can I fuck Jennifer?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(astonished!)

What an astonishing insult! And you over there, stop sitting on that unbraced ledge--

2. And there were at that time two DOUCHE-ROWBOATS that did not heed JENNIFER'S words, and they indulged in great IMMATURE DOUCHINESS. And the LEDGE did break, and the WATER PIPE did tear loose, and there was a mighty and terrible FLOOD, WINK WINK!!

3. And JENNIFER looked upon the waters and said FUCK THESE ASSHOLES and bade JAVIER they should be cast out, and they were cast out RIGHT QUICK. And JENNIFER and JAVIER went upstairs to lay together, that the prophecy might be fulfilled, that said, "Oh yeah, these guys are TOTES gonna bone".

4. And a great WHITENESS covered the SCREEN, and those who witnessed hoped it was only a METAPHOR.

INT. SCENE 8 -- JENNIFER & JAVIER'S ROOM - POST CONCEPTION

1. Now there came a time when JENNIFER'S BLADDER decided that JENNIFER should awaken.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(beaming!)

Javier, I'm pregnant, and possibly aware of our meta-situation again!

JAVIER BARDEM

(leaping from bed)

This inspires me to write! And to bound about nakedly while being extra careful not to show my dong! Quick, hand me my notebook and, er, that ornate candlestick over there. Okay, the candle. Okay fine, the medium-sized candle.

INT. SCENE 9 -- SOME METAPHORICAL AMOUNT OF TIME LATER

1. And it came to pass that JENNIFER'S BELLY expanded to great measure, and JAVIER finished a new MASTERPIECE made of only RANDOM SMUDGES since apparently he had one hell of a good EDITOR.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(dazzled!)

Oh Javier it's perfect! It reminds me of when we transformed that patch of scorched wasteland into a beautiful oasis with the split-level mid-century-modern craftsman, no wait that was last week's episode of Property Blessed Virgins. But it's still wonderful!

JAVIER BARDEM

My publisher loves it too and the reviews are great! Why every day it seems I get new DISCIPLES.

(winks)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(blissful!)

To celebrate, I'll cook a meal way too big for just the two of us! It'll feed us one night for every copy sold! Yes, this celebration shall last MANY NIGHTS.

(winks)

2. And JENNIFER prepared a table before JAVIER in the presence of NINE ENTREES. And at that time a REGULAR OLD KNOCK ON THE DOOR gave tidings that visitors had arrived.

JAVIER BARDEM

Ooh, some fans are outside! I should see them.

(to camera)

And by the way, STRAP THE FUCK IN AUDIENCE HERE WE FUCKING GOOOOOO

3. And a great CROWD had gathered to see JAVIER, and so JENNIFER sought a secluded place within the house, but yea, found instead a PANTS-WETTING SNOTBRAT and his MOM.

4. And JENNIFER took them unto the bathroom, that they might not further corrupt the redwood flooring, and a FUCKWIT was there relieving himself. And there was a lineup to piss and shit, and JENNIFER saw that a multitude had gotten inside the house.

F/X: GOSH THERE SURE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE IN HERE, HOW MANY CROWD-NOISE TRACKS SHOULD WE OVERLAP, HM A FEW THOUSAND SHOULD DO IT, LA LA LA, CAN'T TAKE THE RAAAAAZORBACK

5. And JENNIFER realized she was carrying much of this movie herself, and pleaded unto ARONOFSKY that he might send another recognizable decorated actress unto her, to share her burden. And yea, ARONOFSKY was at least partly listening.

KRISTEN WIIG

Hello, hello! As Javier's publisher, it's great to see you! Now let's see, what shall we do next...

(pause)

WHIRLWIND TOUR OF THE EVILS OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION oh sorry, I said the secret words, sorry everyone!

6. And many FIGHTS broke out amongst the multitude, and the SWARM OF RAMPAGING ASSHOLES began WRECKING SHIT, and they tore the house a new HUMANITY.

F/X: COCAINE-FUELLED HERD OF ELEPHANTS STAMPEDING THROUGH HOME DEPOT WAREHOUSE

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(distressed!)

This whole situation is so distressing!

7. And some of the people began to RANDOMLY PAINT the house, and JENNIFER was greatly vexed, for she saw that their COLOUR SENSE was for shit.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(vexed!)

FUCK'S SAKE PEOPLE I HAVE A PALLETTE YOU KNOW

8. And POLICE arrived with only enough PEPPER SPRAY for but a few people, but they gave thanks, and lo there was enough PEPPER SPRAY for the whole multitude, including JENNIFER.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(flailing!)

BLERGHHHH at least pepper can be an autumn colour?

(washes eyes!)

(distraught!)

Must find safety! Let's see... fight room NO, police riot room NUH-UH, human trafficking room WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK IS THIS DOING HERE

KRISTEN WIIG

This is a huge chance to reinvent myself! But how? Hm, shooting these tied-up people with bags on their heads should do it.

(begins murdering)

Take that, Gilly! Fuck you Target Lady! Eat hot lead Dooneese! Oh and fuck you Mystique--

(goes to shoot Jennifer)

9. But at that time a SUDDEN EXPLOSION smote KRISTEN and the WALL behind her, and the FUCKING MILITARY did FUCKING INVADE thereafter.

F/X: AW YEAH NOW THERE'S ACTUAL EXPLOSIONS AND SHIT?!? TIME TO DUNK ALL THE MICROPHONES IN THE NITROGLYCERIN, LADS

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(disoriented!)

The sheer amount of metaphor going on is wicked disorienting, what what! Edges of screen blurring! Picture going wubba-wubba!

SOLDIER

DON'T WORRY JENNIFER, GET BEHIND MY FACE, IT'LL PROTECT

(face blown THE FUCK OFF)

10. And the crowd grew larger, yea more than tenfold larger, and they brought more DESTRUCTION upon the house, and more and more things were BROKEN including JENNIFER'S WATER.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(panicked!)

Shit! Javier, get me out of here, I'd rather take my chances with the charred desolate landscape at this point! Get me out!!

JAVIER BARDEM

Sorry, there's no room at the out! We'll have to use my study!

11. And JAVIER took her unto his STUDY and barred the door, and JENNIFER wailed and scrunched her face, and she delivered a BABY just as the SCREEN WENT ALL WHITE AGAIN.

JAVIER BARDEM

Ah, it's a boy! An all-grey screen would have meant a girl. We like to shake things up at these gender reveal parties, you see.

INT. SCENE 10 -- NEW TESTAMENT EVEN THOUGH OUR ALLEGORY SEEMS WELL INTO THE 20TH CENTURY BY NOW BUT HEY

1. And a great SILENCE fell, and it was greatly frustrating to the F/X crew.

JAVIER BARDEM

At least everyone's waiting quietly now. And look, they sent us many GIFTS!

(winks)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(sighs heavily!)

I guess there's no avoiding it now. This isn't Black Swan shit OR Fountain shit, this has been fucking-around-with-Bible-stories Noah shit all along.

JAVIER BARDEM

Well if this is the Gospels part, clearly the smart move is to hand the baby over to the crowd, right?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(defiant!)

Maybe, or how about I HAND YOUR DICK OVER TO A LAUNDRY PRESS, FUCKFACE

JAVIER BARDEM

So, a stalemate. I challenge you, then, to a staying-awake contest. I bet I can stay awake longer than you AND those guys in the tenth row who were expecting a straight-up horror movie and are nodding off.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(resolved!)

I accept! Since we're both some kind of metaphysical beings I'm sure neither of us really needs sleep, and I can will myself awake just as much as you can, don't see how it could be any other

(falls asleep!)

(wakes up with no baby!)

SHIT. Javier, get back here! This movie got a special extreme violence advisory and so far we haven't quite justified that--

2. And JAVIER brought the BABY to the crowd, and gave the baby unto them. And the multitude rejoiced, and gave thanks, and were really quite thoughtful and responsible and nurturing NOPE THEY MOSH-PITTED THE BABY UNTIL ITS NECK FUCKING SNAPPED LIKE UNTO A TWIG HOLY SHHHIIIIIT

F/X: THAT'S MORE LIKE IT BOYYY, AWRIGHT GET THAT ICE SCULPTURE INTO THE HYDRAULIC VISE

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(horrified!)

JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE

(winks!)

3. And JENNIFER made her way through the CROWD and found the BABY had been LITERALLY RIPPED APART and people were LITERALLY EATING BITS OF BABY FLESH.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(disgusted!)

Holy fuck did we REALLY need to take the metaphor QUITE THAT FAR.

4. And JENNIFER voiced her displeasure unto the multitude by STABBING MOTHERFUCKERS with BROKEN GLASS, and the people were themselves displeased, and chose to THROW HER DOWN and KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HER.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(face swollen!)

Okay I think... we've justified that extreme violence... warning... y'all can let up now?

5. And JAVIER removed her from out of the mob, and JENNIFER looked upon the HEART inside the walls and saw that it was TOTES DEAD. And she fled downstairs, and prepared a great feast for those assembled, and the mystery ingredients to be used were a LIGHTER and a GIANT STEEL DRUM FILLED WITH OIL.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(enraged!)

GUESS IT'S TIME FOR SOME FUCKING CLIMATE CHANGE UP IN THIS BITCH

(winks!)

SEE YOU IN HELL FUCKBAGS

(explodes house!)

F/X: RIGHT THIS IS IT DUDES, LAST ONE, TIME TO SET OFF THAT C-4 WE STUCK INSIDE OUR

6. And great FIRE consumed the house and all within it, unless you include JAVIER who was fine.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(crispy!)

Hey, how come I'm deep-fried Cajun style and your clothes aren't even singed? That doesn't seem fair.

JAVIER BARDEM

It does not. Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work this time, my love. But I HAVE to create humans, it's sort of my whole thing.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(despondent!)

So that's how this works? I'm Nature, you're God, and you create humans who eventually fuck everything up until I've had enough and burn everything the fuck down in a blaze of hellfire, and we start over from scratch?

JAVIER BARDEM

Looks like! Now lie down and don't think about North Korea.

7. And JAVIER reached deep within JENNIFER'S TORSO, and pulled from it her HEART, and he crushed it into a NEW CRYSTAL, and in the list of ways of saying SORRY BABE it was in serious contention for WORST EVER.

JAVIER BARDEM

Now to use the crystal to reset everything, and create a new version of Jennifer, and hope that the seven millionth iteration of our bizarre rituals in this big creepy house will go slightly better than before. Holy shit this is "Heaven Sent" from Doctor Who.

8. And the MONTAGE returned unto them, and JAVIER BARDEM put the CRYSTAL upon its SHELF. And the BURNED-UP HOUSE became a NON-BURNED-UP HOUSE, and ASH became WOOD, and the DERANGED METAPHYSICAL WAKING NIGHTMARE was marketed as a TAUT PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR FLICK. And once more, a LUMP OF CRUD ON A BED became JENNIFER LAWRENCE waking up.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(groggy!)

Bacardi?

(pause!)

(muttering!)

So help me Javier, one of these millennia I WILL figure out the safe word.

THE END? NOTHING ENDS, ADRIAN. NOTHING EVER ENDS