FADE IN:

INT. ███████████

MELANIA TRUMP enters.

MELANIA TRUMP

Hello, America. I'm here to show you ████ ██ ████ ██ ███ █████. I understand that many of you █████ ████ ██ █████ ██ ███████ ████ █ ███████████, but █ █████ ██████ ████, ██ ███? So join me as I ████ █████, ████ ██ ██████, and ████ █████ again.

She enters the █████ ████, where DONALD TRUMP is ██████.

DONALD TRUMP

(on the █████)

I don't care if ██████ █████ are in the ███████! ███ ██████ ███ ████ if you have to!

(hangs up)

Hi, honey. You look good enough to ████ ██ ██ ████████ maybe.

MELANIA TRUMP

Thank you. I've picked my outfit for the ████ industry ███-███████ event later. Want to see?

DONALD TRUMP

Whatever you wear, I'm sure you'll ████ ███ ██████ than you ███████. Did you see my █████ ██████ ratings?

MELANIA TRUMP

I did.

DONALD TRUMP

Aren't they great?

MELANIA TRUMP

They're great.

DONALD TRUMP

The best?

MELANIA TRUMP

Yes.

DONALD TRUMP

So good that you'd ████ ██ with a █████?

The DOORBELL rings.

MELANIA TRUMP

Oh, that must be one of my █████-████ stylists.

She opens the door for █████ ██████.

█████ ██████

I brought something ██████████ for you to try!

███ and MELANIA walk into the ████████ room, where they ████ █ ████████ ███████.

MELANIA TRUMP

I like it. It's so █████████ from the other █████ █████ I was planning.

█████ ██████

Right? It'll go perfectly with the █████ ██████████ on the menu.

MELANIA TRUMP

I love ████████████ ██ ███████ with the ████ █ █████ ███. But I'd better go. I promised █████ that I'd ████████ myself in the most █████████ ███████ way.

She visits a ██████ and █████ for a minute.

MELANIA TRUMP

"████ ███, thank you for giving me such a ████ ███████. Please ███ ███ ████ ████ for the next █████ █████ so I won't have to ████ ███ ███ █ █████ too soon. Give me the strength to ██████ ██ ███ █████ ██ ██████ █████ ██ ████ as long as this ████████ ████ of a ██████ ████ ends. Amen."

(stands up)

Okay, are we done?

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

What about ████████?

MELANIA TRUMP

What about them?

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

You said you ████████ ████ ██ █████ ████.

MELANIA TRUMP

███. ████, ████. They're not going to be █████, are they?

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

If there are any of those, we can ████ ████ ███.

They visit a ████████, where MELANIA greets a ████████ ██████ ███████.

MELANIA TRUMP

Why, hello there. I'm Melania. What's your name?

████████ ██████ ███████

You're ███ ████ ████.

MELANIA TRUMP

██, I'm ███. But I brought you ███ ██ ██ ██████ ███████ █████ █████.

████████ ███████ ███████

███ I wished for ████ ████!

MELANIA TRUMP

I'm sure ████ ████ ████ ████ ███████. In the meantime, why don't we ████ ██ ██ ████████ █████████ together?

████████ ██████ ███████

█████████████████████!!!

█████████ ███

Mrs. Trump, we really appreciate this, ███ █ █████ █████ this is going to work.

MELANIA TRUMP

I came all the way from ██ █████ ██████ ███ ██████ to be here. ████ your ██████ ████ to be ████████.

█████████ ███

With all due respect, ██ ███████ ████ ████, ███ ███.

MELANIA TRUMP

Well, we can't all ███ ████ ████. Believe me, we asked. But the whole world has been waiting for more of me.

THE WORLD

(vehemently ███agrees)

█████████ ███

You're ██████ ██████ ██████ being here. Please █████.

MELANIA TRUMP

...██ ██████.

She gracefully █████ ████ ███ ██████ and exits.

MELANIA TRUMP

Well, I hope ████ ██████ ████ ████. What do we have next?

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

According to ███ ██████████ you ████ yourself... shoes.

MELANIA TRUMP

Perfect. I love shoes. Shoes █████ ████ ████.

On the way to her ███████ ████ █████, which is approximately the size of ██ ███████ ██████-██████ █████, she gets a call from DONALD.

███████ █████

Honey, I think ██████ ██████ ████ ██ ███ ████ ███. The liberal media says I █████████ ███ ███████ ██ █████████ ████.

MELANIA TRUMP

Well, did you?

DONALD TRUMP

Of course not. It's fake news.

MELANIA TRUMP

You ████ ████ about ██████, remember?

DONALD TRUMP

Look, if you ██ █████ ████ ██ ███████ again, I'll add ██ █████ ████ to the ██████████.

MELANIA TRUMP

Do you even ████ ███ ███████ ██████?

DONALD TRUMP

I can get it. ██████ working on a new ██████ ███-████ project.

MELANIA TRUMP

Another one?

DONALD TRUMP

You know █████ ████ ███████. They'll ████ ███ ████████ we come up with.

MELANIA TRUMP

Even now, after you ██████████ ████ ███ ████████?

DONALD TRUMP

There'll be enough. We counted.

MELANIA TRUMP

██-███████-██████████.

(hangs up)

So, shoes?

One ██████████ ████-███████ hour of SHOES later, she checks her phone and finds ███████ ████████ ████ from DONALD.

THE ████████ ████

"My fellow Americans, the new ███████ ██ █████████ released by ██ ███ ███████ ██████████ is ████ ████! DO NOT ██████ ███ ████████ of your ████ and ████! They're just trying to distract you from my AMAZING SUCCESS in ███████ ██ █████ ██ ██████ ███ ██! They should be ██████████ ████████ AND ██████, just like ████ ████-████-███ ██ ███ ████ ███! I call on my EXCELLENT FBI Director Kash Patel, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, and ██████████ ██████ of ████████ ████████ Stephen Miller to ██ ████████ ██ ████ ████████ ██ ██ ███ █████! Thank you for your attention to this matter! DJT"

MELANIA TRUMP

Wait, are you ███████ ██ as I ████ ████ █████?

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

Yeah. Shouldn't we show how tuned in you are to ██████████ ██ ████?

MELANIA TRUMP

But then I'll ████ ██ ███████ ██ ███████, you █████!

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

Oh, just give them the usual ██████████ about unity and love and ████████.

MELANIA TRUMP

███, ████ █████. Okay.

(clears throat)

"I believe my most important job is to bring the country together." █████ ████?

████████ █████ ██████

Perfect.

MELANIA TRUMP

Be honest: ████ ██████ ███ ████?

DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER

Well, in a way, you have brought the country together. They're all ████████ ████ █████.

MELANIA TRUMP

████ ██ ████.

END