FADE IN:

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

Sulky teen JAKE GYLLENHAAL arrives home from a night of sleep-biking and laying in the road. His family reacts to his absence by GOING NORMALLY ABOUT THEIR DAY since this is the EIGHTIES and that sort of thing just flew.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Life sucks! My family doesn’t appreciate my raunchy humor and sullen insults. I bet none of them would care if I were to, I don’t know, mysteriously die in the middle of the night.

(pause)

Which, given how I fall asleep in the fucking road, I’m stunned hasn’t happened yet.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

Hi Jake, it’s me, your real-life sister. Let’s throw lame insults at each other then mock each other’s lame insults!

JAKE bitches at his family and goes to his room.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Oops, I should probably make the audience actually care about me somehow.

(makes Jake Gyllenhaal Angsty Eyes Face)

There, success.

Suddenly JAKE has a vision of a guy wearing the official DARTH BUGS BUNNY costume.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Wake up Jake. The Tangent Universe has you. Follow the White Rabbit.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

You're grey, dude. So are you the cause of my sleepwalking? Because I looked up this movie online and it says you only exist in a universe that formed a few seconds ago.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Yeah, about that. The world is going to end 28 days later.

A HUGE FUCKING JET ENGINE crashes directly into JAKE'S room, so directly it leaves the rest of the house perfectly undamaged.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

Wow, good thing you weren't in your room Jake!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Mmm, yeah.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

You're taking this calmly.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I just got told the world's going to end in four weeks by Watership Down On Crack. It's going to take a lot to faze me right now. What happened to the rest of the plane?

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

No one knows, but it looks like the FAA is tracing the serial number… huh, what’s “Oceanic 815?”

INT. SCHOOL WITH BOTH FIRST GRADERS AND HIGH SCHOOLERS

JAKE enters his school with his friends and sees his teachers and other students and bullieswhosnortdrugsinthemiddleof the hallway, but the... administration...... doesn't.......... caaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrre.......... enough...to bother.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Aaugh, what's happening?! Did the editor discover the "Adjust speed" option and use this scene as test footage?

DREW BARRYMORE

Welcome, students. Let’s start our day by making the new girl publicly choose which boy she thinks is the cutest.

PRINCIPAL

Ms. Barrymore, you’re fired.

DREW BARRYMORE

Whaaaat?! But HOW?!

PRINCIPAL

Mostly because I had a vision of the future and saw how you behaved during the writer’s strike. Out ya go.

JAKE continues to do NOTHING until BUNNY GUY shows up, which honestly sums up the whole movie, except the NOTHING parts are fucking hilarious so we’ll give it a pass.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Jake...You need to ax open the big water pipe in the basement...The Easter Eggs are inside...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Of course, Creepy Bunny Guy! I just so happen to have an axe with me from somewhere!

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Just make sure you don’t leave the axe at the scene of the crime or the police will use your fingerprints ohhhh too late.

(uses magic powers to erase fingerprints)

(I assume)

(um, The Manipulated Dead have the power to remove fingerprints, there, now it’s canon, check the Donnie Darko Website for more official plot spackling)

JAKE floods the school, giving the students a WATER DAY. This causes JAKE to run into JENA MALONE, who is being annoyed by BULLIES.

SETH ROGEN

I like your boobs.

(leaves)

JENA MALONE

Was that really the first line of that guy's career?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Hi, I'm-

JENA MALONE

My crazy stepdad stabbed my mom and is still after us.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Uh, nice to meet you. You know, I was once in jail for burning down a house. Wanna go out with me?

JENA MALONE

Sure! You'd think I'd be more cautious about guys after my mom's boyfriend tried to kill her.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Well, you'd also think a subplot about a homicidal maniac after you would actually factor into the movie somehow.

JENA MALONE

Your name is weird. It sounds like some superhero.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Oh, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT?!

(pause)

That's literally the only clue we give to this story's entire explanation. Hope you were listening.

INT. THERAPIST OFFICE

KATHARINE ROSS, JAKE'S therapist, hypnotizes JAKE. He starts masturbating.

KATHARINE ROSS

Erm—

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I flooded my school because my imaginary friend told me to! Mwahaha!

KATHARINE ROSS

Uh...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

GAH IT'S CREEPY BUNNY GUY AND HE'S GOING TO MURDER SOMEBODY! I MUST OBEY HIM!

KATHARINE ROSS

I should probably call the police if you’re confessing crimes and threatening to murder—

JAKE goes home to wait for more RANDOM SHIT to happen.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Hello, Jake... It's Duck Season...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Why did you make me flood the school?

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

It was so you would talk to Jena and become her boyfriend. That is important to my master plan.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

You couldn't have just said "Go talk to that girl, you need to bang her?"

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Talk to your teenage crush? Forgive me if I’m skeptical you could do that without me staging a cosmic meet-cute.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Dick. Why don’t you take your giant bunny ears and forcibly insert them into your anus.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Have you considered taking Jena to see The Evil Dead? She’ll somehow fall asleep in the first ten minutes and sleep through the entire thing.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

What? No she won’t. That's the most unbelievable part of this entire movie.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Yes she will, watch this:

JAKE and his family's CHESTS turn into BUBBLE WANDS and sprout TRANSLUCENT RAINBOW TENTACLES which lead them around.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

See, you’re all being controlled by bubble tentacles. We can hand-wave all illogical behavior as “The Bubble Tentacles Did It.” Except you can see them so you have the option of ignoring your bubble tentacle, maybe. You know what, screw this. WOOO THE TV SCREEN HAS A PORTAL IN IT

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Ahh, so the script was written on acid. Good to know. Don’t mind if I randomly do this:

JAKE tries to stab BUNNY GUY in his BUNNY EYE. It doesn't make the BUNNY DIE.

Later BUNNY GUY removes his mask and reveals a fucked-up eye, but this has nothing to do with the whole stabby thing.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Okay maybe I have ESP or-

ON-SCREEN TEXT: Maybe Jake is in a time loop or something

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Um, what is this?

ON-SCREEN TEXT: Oh hey I’m just interrupting the movie to explain everything as it’s happening. Sorry that your friend talked you into watching the director’s cut. You’re stuck with me now.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Aaah! Make it stop!

ON-SCREEN TEXT: So actually there’s no time loop, the entire universe is going to be permanently destroyed, not that the author of this in-universe text could possibly know that but

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Shut up shut up shut up! Bunny Guy, you’re clearly God and I’m Jesus and this is obviously a giant faith metaphor, so what do I have to do?

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Burn down Patrick Swayze's house!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

You are scary so I will blindly follow you! Huh, this might be the most accurate faith metaphor ever.

JAKE is about to burn PATRICK SWAYZE'S house, but the scene is put on PAUSE so we can watch young girl DAVEIGH CHASE dancing in a talent show.

DAVEIGH CHASE

Na, na, Notorious...

(bursts out of TV portal)

PSYCH! You now have seven days to copy this dance performance and show it to someone or you will die.

TEACHER BETH GRANT

No worries! We’ll be demanding ALL our friends watch this movie!

JAKE burns down the house, exposing PATRICK SWAYZE as a CHILD PORNOGROPHER, causing BETH GRANT to lead his defense committee, meaning she can't take DAVEIGH to a dance show so JAKE'S MOM MARY MCDONNELL has to go instead, causing MAGGIE and JAKE to throw a party so JENA can come over and leave the party with JAKE which causes-

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Whoa, apparently God makes Rube Goldberg machines out of people. Did we miss anything there? I feel like we blew through it kinda fast.

JAKE’S DAD

Hi Jake, I just wanted to tell you to always speak your mind, be brutally honest, and anyone who ever corrects you does so only because they’re stupid losers scared of how awesome you are so you shouldn’t ever listen to anyone else. So touching!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(pause)

Seriously, this Director’s Cut can pound sand.

INT. HOUSE PARTY

JAKE and MAGGIE throw a total rager, with MAGGIE’S BOYFRIEND in attendance, presumably wearing his COSTUME. Thankfully JAKE doesn’t run into him or the upcoming twist would be completely ruined.

JENA MALONE

Jake, my crazy stepdad's got my mom and I'm worried about her! I'm so afraid he's coming after-

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

My mom's bedroom's empty, wanna have sex?

JENA MALONE

No. No I don’t. You're the worst boyfriend ever.

(bubble tentacle makes her horny)

I mean yes, let’s have sex.

Suddenly JAKE remembers the world's going to end in six hours.

JENA MALONE

Six hours?! Why did you wait until now to do something about it?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I didn't feel like it. Seriously, I’ve had weeks to figure out what’s going on and haven’t even talked to the old lady who seems to know everything that’s going on. Hurry, we have to see her right now! By which I mean, we have to break into her basement! Come on, douchebag racist friends, come join us for no reason!

JENA MALONE

...you’re drunk, aren’t you.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I’M OBEYING THE BUBBLE TENTACLE IN YOUR CHEST, JENA

JENA MALONE

Sure, I’ll just ignore how my mom is likely bleeding out in a ditch somewhere and come follow you.

EXT. OLD LADY'S HOUSE

They arrive to do whatever it is they're doing, but JENA gets killed by a car, driven by CREEPY BUNNY GUY, who's actually MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL'S BOYFRIEND!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Ohhh, you’re gonna get it now, Bunny Guy! You ran over an obvious mannequin that was supposed to be Jena, BUT you didn’t know I found a gun several weeks ago and apparently have been carrying it with me ever since!

(shoots Bunny Guy)

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

And thus, I will become a time-traveling ghost, which strangely doesn’t happen to Jena.

JAKE carries JENA'S BODY all the way back to his house so he can get his car and drive away with her corpse. This is easier than just using the BUNNY GUY'S car, which was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO THEM WITH THE KEYS AND EVERYTHING.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Look, dead girlfriend, a weird cyclone is forming. The world's ending.

(looks around)

Guess everyone else is going to sleep right through it.

A JET ENGINE breaks off a passing plane and travels through a WORMHOLE to the beginning of the movie. It lands on JAKE in his bed and he is crushed to death.

EVERYONE

What the hell?

VARIOUS PEOPLE wake up, looking disturbed, but not really remembering what’s happened. But what lessons will they take from their dreams?

PATRICK SWAYZE

Oh my God, I had this horrible dream I was actually arrested for trafficking child pron! Thank God THAT didn’t happen!

(skips away merrily)

BETH GRANT

I had a horrible dream I doubted my commitment to Sparkle Motion!

(shudders)

Seriously, why am I in this dramatic montage?

MAJA SCHÖNE

I dreamt the world ended, but somehow it was – hey, what’s this ‘Donnie O’ doing in the title?

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Wow, what a weird dream! Wait, I was right outside Jake's house when the engine hit a few seconds ago, how am I now at home instead of running inside to make sure my girlfriend's alright?

KATHARINE ROSS

I’m still dreaming about Dustin Hoffman!

JAKE’S BODY is wheeled away. JENA seems to mysteriously recognize his mother, who she never met. No really they never met. Kinda weird note to end on but whatever.

DIRECTOR RICHARD KELLY

Ha, I've created a puzzle audiences will spend hours deciphering, requiring them to use their brains and actually think, not just-

The AUDIENCE goes home and GOOGLES an explanation in fifteen seconds.

JENA MALONE

It says here everything that happened was all to set up my death, so Jake would use his telekinetic powers to throw the jet engine through the wormhole and save the universe.

(pause)

Wait, his telekinetic powers? How, just how, is ANYONE supposed to guess that? Couldn't we have dropped a SINGLE FUCKING CLUE that’s what was happening?!

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

I like the implication that Jake would have let the entire universe end and kill everyone, unless his girlfriend died a few hours earlier. What a hero.

RICHARD KELLY

Damn, wasn’t unclear enough! I’ll show you all! My next movie will be a sequel to unpublished comic books I expect the audience to somehow read before seeing it, AND it won’t have whatever savant editor cut this down into something watchable, AND I’ll put just enough references to current events that a tiny, tiny fanbase will insist “This movie was prescient, whoa!” AND THEN YOU’LL SEE I’M A GENIUS! My Iowa test scores are... INTIMIDATING!

But that next movie kills KELLY’S CAREER harder than 9/11 kills THIS MOVIE’S THEATRICAL RUN, but somehow it still becomes really popular, which makes about as much sense as the movie itself.

END