FADE IN:

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

JAKE GYLLENHAAL mopes around as a sulky teen.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Life sucks! My family are morons! I hate the entire fucking world, it can screw itself in the ass with a lobster's arm and I wouldn't care.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

As your older sister who- Whoa, I'm your real-life sister and your sister in the movie? Huh, this'll make it easy to keep up a natural rivalry going between us. Let's throw stinging insults at each other!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Let's throw lame insults at each other instead so we can mock each other's lame insults!

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

You can suck a fuck you damnwhored liverwanker!

JAKE bitches at his family and goes to his room.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Oops, I'm coming across as a jerk. That's not good.

(makes angsty eyes)

There, I've seamlessly transitioned from resident douchebag to sad misunderstood adolescent. Seamlessly.

Suddenly JAKE has a vision of a guy wearing the official DARTH BUGS BUNNY costume.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Wake up Jake. The Tangent Universe has you. Follow the White Rabbit.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

You're grey, dude. And you've led me to a...golf course? Of all places? Is this significant or-

A HUGE FUCKING JET ENGINE crashes directly into JAKE'S room, so directly it leaves the rest of the house perfectly undamaged.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

Wow, good thing you weren't in your room Jake!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Mmm, yeah.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

You're taking this calmly.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I just got told the world's going to end in four weeks by Watership Down On Crack. It's going to take a lot to faze me right now. What happened to the rest of the plane?

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

No one knows, so it's probably on that island with the smoke monster and time travel and whatever was going on there.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Time travel and badly-explained plots? You don't say...

INT. SCHOOL WITH BOTH FIRST GRADERS AND HIGH SCHOOLERS

JAKE enters his school with his friends and sees his teachers and other students and bullieswhosnortdrugsinthemiddleof the hallway, but the... administration...... doesn't.......... caaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrre.......... enough...to bother.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Aaugh, what's happening?! Did the editor discover the "Adjust speed" option and use this scene as test footage?

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Jake...You need to axe open the big water pipe in the basement...The Easter Eggs are inside...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Of course, Creepy Bunny Guy! I just so happen to have an axe with me from somewhere!

JAKE floods the school, giving the students a WATER DAY. This causes JAKE to run into JENA MALONE, who is being annoyed by BULLIES.

SETH ROGEN

(actual line)

I like your boobs.

(leaves)

JENA MALONE

Was that really the first line of that guy's career? No way will he ever be famous.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Hi, I'm-

JENA MALONE

My crazy stepdad stabbed my mom four times and is still out there after us.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Uh, nice to meet you. You know, I was once in jail for burning down a house. Really, that's true. Wanna go out with me?

JENA MALONE

Sure! You'd think I'd be more cautious about guys after my mom's boyfriend tried to kill her.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Well, you'd also think a subplot about a homicidal maniac after you would actually factor into the movie somehow.

JENA MALONE

Your name is weird. It sounds like some superhero.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Oh, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT?!

(pause)

That's literally the only clue we give to this story's entire explanation. Hope you were listening.

INT. THERAPIST OFFICE

KATHARINE ROSS, JAKE'S therapist, hypnotizes JAKE. He starts masturbating.

KATHARINE ROSS

Erm, does this have any point at all?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I flooded my school because my imaginary friend told me to! Mwahaha!

KATHARINE ROSS

Uh...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

GAH IT'S CREEPY BUNNY GUY AND HE'S GOING TO MURDER SOMEBODY! I MUST OBEY HIM!

KATHARINE ROSS

You're really fucked up. I'm pretty certain I'm allowed to call the police if you threaten to kill someone. Or recommend you be hospitalized. Or do nothing, that too.

JAKE goes home.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Hello, Jake... It's Duck Season...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Why did you make me flood the school?

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

It was so you would talk to Jena and become her boyfriend. That is important to my master plan.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

You couldn't have just said "Go talk to that girl, you need to bang her?"

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Oh, you need to. But don't question my motives, it'll make you wonder which parts of this were well-planned and which were conceived on acid.

JAKE and his family's CHESTS turn into BUBBLE WANDS and sprout TRANSLUCENT RAINBOW TENTACLES which lead them around.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Okay, I'll stop questioning things! Including the force field you have some of the time. And that you're clearly God and I'm Jesus.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Burn down Patrick Swayze's house!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I will blindly follow you, you're scary! This makes a great argument for religious faith.

JAKE is about to burn PATRICK SWAYZE'S house, but the scene is put on PAUSE so we can watch DAVEIGH CHASE and her fellow 7-year-olds dance in a talent show for about half an hour.

DAVEIGH CHASE

Aren't I cute? Just wait, in a year I'll be known as the little girl who crawls out of TVs after seven days to distort faces.

JAKE burns down the house, exposing PATRICK SWAYZE as a CHILD PORNOGRAPHER, causing BETH GRANT to lead his defense committee, meaning she can't take DAVEIGH to a dance show so JAKE'S MOM MARY MCDONNELL has to go instead, causing MAGGIE and JAKE to throw a party so JENA can come over and leave the party with JAKE which causes-

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Apparently God operates on Rube Goldberg logic, but with people instead of dominos.

JENA MALONE

Jake, my crazy stepdad's got my mom and I'm worried about her! I'm so afraid he's coming after-

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

My mom's bedroom's empty, wanna have sex?

JENA MALONE

You're the worst boyfriend ever.

They have SEX, then JAKE remembers the world's going to end in six hours.

JENA MALONE

Six hours?! Why did you wait until now to do something about it?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I didn't feel like it. Hurry, we have to see this old lady who knows about time travel, maybe she'll explain the plot for us!

EXT. OLD LADY'S HOUSE

They arrive to do whatever it is they're doing, but JENA gets killed by a car, driven by CREEPY BUNNY GUY, who's actually MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL'S BOYFRIEND!

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Hey, I was just at your house! I left to get beer because apparently your keg ran out.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Shouldn't I have recognized you if you were at my house in that costume?

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

I guess our rainbow tentacles were pulling away from each other, if they control everything we do.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

You mean the tentacles that led me to a gun several weeks ago that I've apparently been carrying around ever since? Here, watch closely.

(shoots Bunny Guy)

JAKE carries JENA'S BODY all the way back to his house so he can get his car and drive away with her corpse. This is easier than just using the BUNNY GUY'S car, which was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO THEM WITH THE KEYS AND EVERYTHING.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Look, dead girlfriend, a weird cyclone is forming. The world's ending.

(looks around)

Guess everyone else is going to sleep right through it.

A JET ENGINE breaks off a passing plane and travels through a WORMHOLE to the beginning of the movie. It lands on JAKE in his bed and he is crushed to death.

EVERYONE

What the hell?

VARIOUS PEOPLE wake up over a song that will later be used in EVERY ANIMAL ABUSE AWARENESS COMMERCIAL. They all look like they're remembering something important, even the ANNOYING TEACHER who didn't learn anything or develop at all and therefore has nothing important to remember.

CREEPY BUNNY GUY

Wow, what a weird dream! Wait, I was right outside Jake's house when the engine hit a few seconds ago, how am I now at home instead of running inside to make sure my girlfriend's alright?

DIRECTOR RICHARD KELLY

Ha, I've created a puzzle audiences will spend hours deciphering, requiring them to use their brains and actually think, not just-

The AUDIENCE goes home and GOOGLES an explanation in fifteen seconds.

JENA MALONE

It says here everything that happened was all to set up my death, so Jake would use his telekinetic powers to throw the jet engine through the wormhole and save the universe.

(pause)

Wait, his telekinetic powers? How, just how, is ANYONE supposed to guess that? Couldn't we have dropped a SINGLE FUCKING CLUE that that's what was happening? This is like making Harry Potter without ever showing or mentioning any magic; it was the whole point of the movie!

9/11 and a shitty marketing department cause the movie to flop in theaters, but somehow it still becomes really popular, which makes about as much sense as the movie itself.

END