FADE IN:

EXT. THE OPENING SCENE FROM “2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY”

APE

Oh fuck! You’re not supposed to see this yet! Just close your eyes and pretend like this never happened!

EXT. TAIPEI CITY, TAIWAN - PRESENT

SCARLETT JOHANSSON is a fun-loving American girl studying abroad in TAIPEI because it is probably CHEAPER TO FILM THERE and we’re TRYING TO TURN A PROFIT, FOLKS.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I’ve also been blessed with having shitty taste in men.

PILOU ASBÆK

That’s my cue! Hey Scarlett--

A MOUSE

PILOU ASBÆK

--I know we’ve only been dating for a week--

THE MOUSE APPROACHES A MOUSE TRAP

PILOU ASBÆK

--but I need you to go inside this hotel--

A GAZELLE

PILOU ASBÆK

--and deliver this briefcase to Asian Gangster Choi Min-Sik and--

A CHEETAH CHASES THE GAZELLE

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

DIRECTOR LUC BESSON

Oh, that? I decided to splice in clips from the Nature Channel in order to bash the audience in the brain with awkward symbolism! Because I am an auteur! Just like Justin Bieber is a legitimate singer!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Well I’m not delivering this briefcase to your Asian Gangster friend, Pilou.

PILOU ASBÆK

Wait, did I say “Asian Gangster”? I meant to say “kindly non-dangerous Asian businessman”. Now will you deliver the briefcase?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

No way.

PILOU ASBÆK

Please?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

No.

PILOU ASBÆK

Pretty please?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Well okay-- no!

This goes on for like 10 MORE MINUTES.

PILOU ASBÆK

Then I guess I’ll just handcuff the damn case to you instead.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Ugh, fine, I’ll deliver the briefcase. I mean it’s not like I can just run away with it or anything.

SCARLETT goes inside the hotel.

PILOU ASBÆK

See? Just like I said, easy peas

(is killed)

SCARLETT is taken hostage by ASIAN GANGSTERS and brought before their boss CHOI MIN-SIK.

CHOI MIN-SIK

You must excuse me Scarlett, but you caught me while I was practicing some ice carving. And by “ice” I mean “people”.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Wow, you actually learned English for this role?

CHOI MIN-SIK

Haha! Fuck no. I speak through a translator in order to pad the running time by about 10 minutes and there are no subtitles for my dialog so I could be reciting the lyrics to a Weird Al Yankovic song in Korean for all you know. Now I’m worried Pilou put a bomb in the briefcase so I’ll let you open it while I leave the room and my men and I stand behind these blast shields, which were included with the price of the hotel room.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(opens briefcase)

No bombs, just four bags of blue Heisenberg meth.

CHOI MIN-SIK

Ah, that’s the good shit. With Pilou dead I’m going to need someone to smuggle these drugs out of Taiwan. You interested?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Well not exactl

(is knocked the fuck out)

INT. SCIENCY BRAIN LECTURE - PARIS

MORGAN FREEMAN is giving a speech about BRAINS.

MORGAN FREEMAN

They are a delicacy amongst the undead. Also, humans only use about 10% of their brain capacity--

THE INTERNET

BULLSHIT!

MORGAN FREEMAN

You know what? Fuck you, Internet. I’m Morgan fucking Freeman and if I want to perpetuate this debunked myth you will take it and you will fucking LIKE IT, got me?

THE INTERNET

(shuts up)

MORGAN FREEMAN

Good. So anyway, dolphins use 15% of their brain and they have sonar powers, so I theorize unlocking more of the HUMAN brain will turn you into Dark Phoenix. Oh oh, or maybe Dr. Manhattan! Or Q from Star Trek! We’ll just have to wait and see!

INT. HOTEL ROOM - TAIWAN

SCARLETT wakes up to find she has been IMPREGNATED with one of the bags of BLUE DRUGS along with THREE OTHER DORKS.

CHOI MIN-SIK

Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of “Who Wants to Be a Drug Mule!” Each contestant must fly these drugs back to their respective countries or else we kill your loved ones!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

So what’s the grand prize?

CHOI MIN-SIK

Death.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

And what’s the 1st runner up prize?

CHOI MIN-SIK

Also death. Would you like to know what the consolation prizes are?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

No thanks. Just put me on the plane so we can get this over with.

While the THREE MALE DRUG MULES are sent straight to the airport, SCARLETT is diverted to a RAPE ROOM and CHAINED TO A WALL instead.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

WTF?!

CHOI MIN-SIK

Yeah, apparently I didn’t give my underlings special instructions NOT to assault you despite the fact you are carrying expensive experimental drugs in your guts that were really hard to come by and that I intend to sell for millions of dollars. Oh well!

But, much to the RAPIST’S SURPRISE, SCARLETT isn’t receptive to his advances so he practices his KICKBALL MOVES on her STOMACH, rupturing the bag of SUPER DRUGS. SCARLETT suddenly unlocks 20% of her brain capacity and gives BIRTH to SUPERPOWERS!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Fuck yeah! So what's the first power I get?

LEVITATION: UNLOCKED

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Cool!

LEVITATION: LOCKED AGAIN

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Fuck! Okay, what else?

ABILITY TO CHANGE EYE COLOR: UNLOCKED

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Huh? Look, if I’m only going to get lame shitty powers then just forget it, okay?

INCREASED INTELLIGENCE: UNLOCKED

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Well that’s a start.

ABILITY TO HOLD GUNS GANGSTA STYLE: UNLOCKED

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Now THAT’S what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!

SCARLETT uses her new BRAIN POWERS to straight up MURDER her captors and steals all their GUNS, as well as eats all of their FOOD.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Murder is hungry work. Now I need a taxi. Hey you, taxi driver, you speak English?

ASIAN TAXI DRIVER

No comprende.

(is shot)

Ow! You shot me for that?! How am I supposed to work and feed my family with this bullet in my leg?! Aren’t you supposed to be the hero?!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Whoops, I just assumed all Asians in this film were inherently evil. Get well soon!

SCARLETT forces a kindly ENGLISH SPEAKING Asian taxi driver to take her to the hospital.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Now lets take a minute to establish I have super hearing even though I will never actually use it for plot reasons.

(does so)

Jeez, I hope establishing I have an amazing new power and then only using it for one scene and never mentioning it again doesn’t become a habit.

But it DOES.

INT. HOSPITAL

SCARLETT strolls right in with her gun in PLAIN SIGHT without rousing ANY SUSPICIONS because the TAIWANESE just don't GIVE A FUCK.

SCARLETT walks into an operating room where DOCTORS are performing surgery and she kills their PATIENT!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

It’s okay, I glanced at his x-ray and my new brain powers told me he was going to die anyway.

DOCTOR

So you FUCKING SHOT HIM TO DEATH?! This is the second innocent person you've shot in the last 2 minutes. Seriously, how the hell are you even remotely the good guy at this point?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Because my brain powers told me he was a bad guy... maybe? Look, just take my word for it, okay? Now cut open my stomach and remove the bag of super drugs you just so happen to know about.

DOCTOR

Yes, they have a bland sciency name for the drugs but it’s basically Promicin from "The 4400", except this stuff is produced by pregnant women in microscopic amounts to give their babies the energy to grow, so it must have taken like a billion pregnant women to harvest four bags worth.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Great expositioning, doc. Now let me try to make the audience forget about how I just killed an innocent man by having an emotional phone call with my mother while you carve the bag of drugs out of me. And don’t bother giving me an anesthetic because increased brain power makes you an unfeeling robot.

DOCTOR

Oh so THAT’S the excuse for your acting.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

No, I just figured I'd carry over my performance from Under The Skin and hoped no one would notice.

DOCTOR

Well here’s the rest of the super drugs that didn’t spill out into your body, though considering how much you absorbed you will most certainly die within the next 24 hours.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Holy shit, did this just become Crank 3?!

INT. CHOI MIN-SIK’S PENTHOUSE

SCARLETT busts in all BADASS and mistakes CHOI’S HANDS for VAMPIRES and STAKES THEM.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I have become a power hungry monster so I kinda need those other three bags of super drugs to survive long enough to unlock 100% of my brain so tell me where you sent those drug mules.

CHOI MIN-SIK

I DON’T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH YOU TWIT!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Then luckily I’ve reached 30% brain capacity and telepathy is unlocked!

She reads his MIND and discovers the drug mules have been sent to ROME, BERLIN and PARIS.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Now I’ll just leave Choi otherwise unharmed and assume he’ll just forget all about this whole wacky mess and stay out of my way.

(leaves)

CHOI MIN-SIK

Lucky for me the more of her brain she unlocks the stupider she gets!

(does not forget about this whole wacky mess)

(does not stay out of her way)

INT. ANALEIGH TIPTON’S APARTMENT - TAIWAN

ANALEIGH TIPTON is SCARLETT’s roommate, but she’s only in this ONE SCENE so let’s not waste time GETTING TO KNOW HER OR ANYTHING.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I just need to borrow her laptop which is apparently a super computer from the future. There, I have learned all languages, read all of Morgan Freeman’s brain research, and read every piece of Supernatural slash fanfiction because I hate myself.

She uses her POWERS to project her image onto MORGAN's TV, phone and computer.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Since when did Chat-Roulette get so invasive?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Morgan, a shady drug dealer gave me superpower drugs and now I’m the smartest person alive.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Alright.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Also I'm being chased by gangsters who want the drugs back.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Okay.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

And the smarter I get the more of an unlikable douchebag I become.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Sounds good. Let’s meet up. See you in Paris in 12 hours.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Really? You’re taking this surprisingly well and don’t sound the least bit amazed.

MORGAN FREEMAN

That’s because I just watched Limitless on Netflix.

Then SCARLETT calls Paris cop AMR WAKED.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Hey Amr, how’s it hanging? To the left, that’s how.

AMR WAKED

(gasp!)

How’d you know that?!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

No time to explain. Here are the names and faces of the drug mules carrying the super drugs. Go round them up so I can take the drugs all for myself.

AMR WAKED

Sure, that’s a thing a cop would agree to do.

INT. AIRPORT

SCARLETT is about to leave for Paris but everyone is looking for her thanks to all the CAMERA FOOTAGE from the hospital she didn’t bother to erase with her BRAIN.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Good thing “Ultraviolet Hair Changing Power” has just been unlocked! I am totally unrecognizable with dark hair! I call this “being Emilia Clarke”.

TICKET AGENT

And how will you be paying for this flight, ma’am?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Uh... Bitcoin? Look, let’s just pretend I Jedi Mind Tricked you into giving me a ticket since at no point did I stop to get money, m'kay?

INT. PLANE

SCARLETT remains inconspicuous by TYPING SUPER FAST ON TWO LAPTOPS AT THE SAME GODDAMN TIME because TYPING FAST = HELLA SMART.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I guess Mavis Beacon’s Advanced Typing Skills unlocks at 50% brain capacity.

Then SCARLETT’S BODY starts to turn into FEBREZE and she TK’s some stewardesses into the cabin wall because SHE ASKED FOR THREE BAGS OF PEANUTS, NOT JUST TWO!!

SCARLETT locks herself in the bathroom.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Fuck! My body is disintegrating! I must eat the remaining bag of drugs I have to stay in one piece!

(chugging bag of drugs)

NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

SCARLETT vomits a HADOUKEN and grows back her disintegrated HAND because WOLVERINE POWERS: UNLOCKED.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

At this rate I should have diamond skin and laser beam eyes before supper.

(faints)

INT. POLICE STATION - PARIS

AMR WAKED

While Scarlett was unconscious I rounded up the three drug mules and placed them all in the same public hospital room with two inept guards, one of which just took a smoke break, thus perpetuating the "10% brain" myth most Luc Besson movie characters have.

CHOI’S #2 GUY

That’s my cue to waltz right into the hospital and cut the bags of drugs out of those mules! Because no matter what country you’re in hospitals are completely devoid of security and all rooms are sound proof!

While that’s happening, SCARLETT wakes up at the police station and is confronted by AMR.

AMR WAKED

Stop or my men will shoot you!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Too bad I just unlocked the ability to Tune!

She makes everyone except AMR fall ASLEEP.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I have to go get those drugs. Wanna tag along?

AMR WAKED

Why me?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Because I need some arm candy and you’re arguably the best looking guy in the movie so you win for lack of better options.

EXT. PARIS

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I just unlocked the ability to see and manipulate digital signals in the air like Gary on “Alphas”, minus the autism.

AMR WAKED

You might want to think twice about that last part.

SCARLETT uses her POWERS to access the radio signal CHOI’S MEN are using because COOL TRAILER MOMENT.

AMR WAKED

They’re already at the hospital! How will we make it all the way across town in time?!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

By driving recklessly and endangering the kindly Parisian bystanders you’ve sworn to protect!

SCARLETT speeds through the streets and causes about 10,000 CAR ACCIDENTS.

AMR WAKED

I am surprisingly okay with this.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Well it’s not like you have a choice or anything. Ooooh look, cops are chasing us!

AMR WAKED

Those are my fellow officers you know, so please go easy on them.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

“Kill them all?” If you insist!

SCARLETT uses her POWERS to CRASH ALL THE COP CARS and VEHICULARLY MANSLAUGHTERS AT LEAST A DOZEN PEOPLE.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Oh come on, it can’t be as bad as all that.

SCARLETT uses her POWERS to catapult a police car 50 FEET into the air and it TUMBLES HEAD LONG into a CROWD OF INNOCENT BYSTANDERS at 70 mph!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Eeeee. Uh... Fast Five powers unlocked?

INT. HOSPITAL

CHOI’S #2 GUY is just finishing up cutting the SUPER DRUGS out of the three drug mules and places the bags in a briefcase when SCARLETT and AMR appear.

CHOI’S #2 GUY

Men, let’s all do cool poses as we shoot at Scarlett with our guns!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

You guys might as well be holding Super Soakers for all the good it’ll do you.

SCARLETT TK’S everyone into the air and takes the briefcase full of SUPER DRUGS.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Yoink! Now I’m going to go, leaving all these bad guys in complete possession of their lives.

AMR WAKED

Huh? Wouldn’t it make more sense to just kill them? I mean you’ve already killed so many innocent people already, I don’t see how killing dangerous gangsters would hurt. Or maybe I could arrest them?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(not hearing any of that shit)

Come, Amr! I need you to escort me to Morgan Freeman’s lab.

AMR WAKED

Why? You don’t really need me. You’re practically a God at this point.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Because you’re clearly Luc Besson’s Mary Sue which means we have to smooch, now give mama some sugar.

They KISS.

AMR WAKED

Hey, is one of your powers to secrete Viagra through your lips?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Actually I’ve had that power even before I got superpowers.

INT. MORGAN FREEMAN’S SCIENCY LAB - PARIS

MORGAN introduces SCARLETT to his CLIQUE OF SCIENTISTS.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I’m sure you’re all skeptical, so allow me to demonstrate my amazing brain powers by making one of your colleagues relive the day his daughter was tragically killed by a hit and run driver!

CLIQUE OF SCIENTISTS

Convinced!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Excellent. Now let’s have a lengthy intellectual discussion while I make this ink pen hover in the air and manipulate its atomic mass with my new David Copperfield powers, and then I’ll make my hand shape-shift with these new Mistique powers I also just unlocked!

SCIENTIST WHO RELIVED HIS DAUGHTER’S TRAGIC DEATH

(still sobbing)

OH GOD WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST LEAD WITH THAT INSTEAD?!?!

A platoon of PARIS COPS arrive outside the building just as CHOI amasses a small army of GANGSTERS who brandish an entire arsenal of HEAVY FIREPOWER right across the street.

PARIS COPS

A bunch of well dressed Asian gentlemen loading up a billion rounds of ammo into their machine guns and carbines not 20 feet away? Nothing fishy about that!

ASIAN GANGSTERS

That’s right officers, we’re just on our way to a Reservoir Dogs cosplay convention, nothing to see here!

PARIS COPS

Sounds legit.

Inside the lab, MORGAN liquefies the remaining bags of SUPER DRUGS and injects SCARLETT with it.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Scarlett, there’s no way you’re going to survive this so why don’t you transcribe all of your advanced knowledge for us smarties to mull over for the next few decades?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

In order to do that I will have to create a new kind of super computer out of my own body. Because turning into a computer is going to be a part of human evolution or something.

AKIRA TENTACLES shoot out of SCARLETT’s body and start growing ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE and start assimilating everything they touch.

MORGAN FREEMAN

This all seems familiar.

SCARLETT’S TENTACLES start to build NEW ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY as she is preparing to TRANSCEND into a higher form of being.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Okay now this is all seems VERY familiar!

SCARLETT reaches 90% brain capacity and turns the SCIENCY ROOM into THE CONSTRUCT from THE MATRIX because that was a POPULAR MOVIE and this is an HOMAGE and not a RIPOFF.

Meanwhile AMR and his PARIS COPS try to hold off CHOI’S GOONS in a TOTALLY POINTLESS ACTION SCENE.

PARIS COPS

(being shot to shit)

WHY ARE WE EVEN PROTECTING SCARLETT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! SHE IS A MURDERER! AND WHY DIDN’T SHE JUST TAKE 2 SECONDS TO KILL THESE GUYS WITH HER POWERS?!

CHOI MIN-SIK

(dodging bullets)

Fuck, you’d think at this point I’d simply just cut my loses and go have my guys cook up some meth or grow some marijuana or smuggle some cocaine or traffic a dozen other illegal high-profit drugs that are way easier to come by and don’t turn the users into mutants that can kill me with superpowers.

(pause)

But then I wouldn’t have an excuse to FIRE THIS AWESOME BAZOOKA!

The door to the sciency room is BLOWN UP, catapulting SCARLETT THROUGH TIME WTF?!?!?!?

INT. HUMAN HISTORY

SCARLETT downloads the HUMAN EXISTENCE APP to her BRAIN TABLET and REWINDS TIMES SQUARE because ANOTHER COOL TRAILER MOMENT.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Wait, is this all in my head? Or am I actually traveling through time?

NATIVE AMERICANS

Unless that office chair your ass is hugging is also part of your brain then no, I am guessing this is all in your head. Or maybe it's that "Kitty Pryde projection" thing. Who knows?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Oh. Well just in case here's a tip, when the White Man shows up just hand over all of your land and move to Canada or something. Trust me, things will end a lot better for your people that way.

Then SCARLETT rewinds time all the way back to THE REAL planet of the apes.

APE

So are you here to teach me how to club my fellow apes to death with animal bones?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

No.

APE

Then are you here to help me to evolve into a human?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

No.

APE

Then I don't get it. What's the point of this scene?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

To piss off believers of Intelligent Design, mostly.

APE

Oh. Well in that case, pull my finger.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Um, no.

APE

C’mon.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

No!

They stare at each other for about AN HOUR.

APE

C’mooooon.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Oh alright.

SCARLETT’S FINGER reaches out to the APE’S FINGER and--

DIRECTOR LUC BESSON

Get it? It’s the Sistine Chapel! Because Scarlett’s a God now! Get it? I’m such a fucking hardcore auteur man!

(masturbates to thoughts of himself)

--SCARLETT is thrust back to THE BEGINNING OF ALL CREATION.

THE BIG BANG

Scarlett? What the hell are you doing here?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Nothing, just chilling.

THE BIG BANG

Oh Scarlett, I have such big plans for you!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Really? Does that include getting my very own Black Widow movie?

THE BIG BANG

Err... Let’s get you back to your own time, shall we?

INT. MORGAN FREEMAN’S SCIENCY LAB

CHOI’S GOONS defeat the PARIS COPS (because French) and CHOI busts into the sciency lab and is about to shoot SCARLETT in the head just as she reaches 100% brain capacity and VANISHES out of her clothes.

CHOI MIN-SIK

Holy shit, did... did she just Yoda me?

(is shot dead)

MORGAN FREEMAN

Cool, Scarlett left us this black obelisk flash drive with all her advanced knowledge stored on it. Too bad she didn’t leave us a computer advanced enough to read it or power it. I guess it’s the thought that counts.

CLIQUE OF SCIENTISTS

Screw that! Let's synthesize some of those super drugs and take them ourselves! Superpowers for everybody! Whoo hoo!

AMR WAKED

Wait, so where did Scarlett actually go?

HER

(text message)

“I AM EVERYWHERE”

JOHNNY DEPP

Oh Scarlett, that was SO three months ago.

END