FADE IN:

INT. TRAIN

EMILY BLUNT (V.O)

I'm on a train! Where am I going? What am I doing? Why am I in America? We never know! No really, we never actually find out. I just gawk at a house two houses down from where I used to live with my ex-husband, Justin Theroux. I'm an unreliable narrator and a complete disaster.

HALEY BENNETT (V.O)

I am also a narrator in this movie! I'm the girl who lives two houses down from where Emily used to live. I have a lot of sex on my balcony and in front of windows with my husband, Luke Evans.

EMILY BLUNT

Whoa that's kind of a lot of characters. I am shithoused 100% of the time so this could get a little fuzzy for me.

HALEY BENNETT

Oh it does. Which apparently is a stellar new way to craft exposition.

REBECCA FERGUSON

And I am Justin's new wife, who lives in the house two houses down from the house where Emily gawks at. We have a baby and we are adorably happy.

EMILY BLUNT

Which is why I've been drinking heavily... for two fucking years. And all I do is ride a train and imagine my life is Haley's life because she's happy with her husband and mine cheated on me with Rebecca. I want to be just like Haley because Haley is perfect and beautiful and she has a lot of hot sex with her hot husband, just like my ex husband does with his new hot wife who has a cute new baby.

HALEY BENNETT

We already covered that.

EMILY BLUNT

I know. But really nothing much happens that isn't choppy and fuzzy. So you, husband, hot, perfect. Repeat.

INT. EDGAR RAMIREZ'S PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE

HALEY BENNETT

Ugh Edgar. I am so bored with being a wife. We don't even do much to avoid maddening the audience with the poor pretty white girl trope. Half the time I speak like I've taken a large amount of Valium. By the way would you like to fuck?

EDGAR RAMIREZ

YES! But I'm a professional and could lose my license. So no. I mean yeah... but no. (Yes I do very badly).

HALEY BENNETT

Well we need enough dudes in this movie to throw off the extremely obvious scent of the bad guy, so whether or not we actually bone is going to remain somewhat of a mystery.

EDGAR RAMIREZ

I see. Am I also innately evil like every other man in this movie?

HALEY BENNETT

That's vague, but probably not. Maybe just unprofessional. Perhaps. It's unclear.

EDGAR RAMIREZ

Do you also drink vodka twenty four hours a day? Why don't we know?

HALEY BENNETT

Because it's a mystery Edgar. Get with the program. Anyway, I'm beautifully damaged and men love the shit out of that. I'm even flashing you my hoo haa.

EDGAR RAMIREZ

But really you don't.

HALEY BENNETT

... But it was just on screen.

EDGAR RAMIREZ

But you didn't in real life. Kind of like how we don't actually have sex. Presumedly.

HALEY BENNETT

Oh right. So what's the mystery here?

EDGAR RAMIREZ

It's you. You are about to get gone, girl.

HALEY BENNETT

Well now who could possibly want to cause poor beautiful me to disappear?

INT. JUSTIN THEROUX'S HOUSE

JUSTIN greets his wife, REBECCA FERGUSON.

JUSTIN THEROUX

Hello sweetie! How was your day!? I am trying REALLY HARD to hide my rather sinister eyebrows! I am such a goddamn good husband.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Well, Haley suddenly quit and then insulted my choice to be a stay at home mother with a nanny.

JUSTIN THEROUX

Haley was our nanny? Well I'll be damned. So anyway, I've got to answer my phone which never stops ringing. It's my crazy drunk ex, Emily. There are no other emotionally unstable woman in this movie who keep calling my phone. I'm just going to stand around and not be suspicious at all.

INT. TRAIN

EMILY BLUNT

Here I am again. On a train. HOLY MOTHER! There's Haley making out with a guy who is not her husband but clearly the psychiatrist she was just not having sex with!

EDGAR RAMIREZ

So we DO have sex?

HALEY BENNET

Keep your weenis in your pants, stallion. You were sadly comforting me. I've told you a sad dead baby story that does nothing to further the plot, except to bring you here and sadly comfort me.

EDGAR RAMIREZ

That did not look like sad comforting.

HALEY BENNETT

Well apparently when you comfort someone, you embrace and smash your faces together a lot.

EMILY becomes infuriated that HALEY is (possibly) cheating on her husband so she goes out and gets drunk. Which is what she had planned to do anyway, but now she does it angrily. She wakes up beaten up and bruised. LAURA PEPRON is her roommate.

LAURA PEPRON

Son of a bitch Emily! What in hell happened to you?

EMILY BLUNT

I have no idea. Drinking can erase lots of memories. Like, all of the important ones.

POLICE OFFICER ALLISON JANNEY and some other police officer arrive. He will remain nameless because when you walk into a room with ALLISON JANNEY you no longer matter.

ALLISON JANNEY

So Emily, where were you last night?

EMILY BLUNT

Uhhhh. A tunnel. There was a man. Or two men. And a coat. I think? There may have been a woman.

Emily has fifteen flashbacks yelling "WHORE!" at someone in the tunnel.

EMILY BLUNT

Yep, there was also a woman.

ALLISON JANNEY

So you're an alcoholic? I know this because you lost your job two years ago due to your alcoholism.

LAURA PEPRON

Seriously? Where in the hell do you go all day then?

ALLISON JANNEY

And more importantly, last night?

EMILY BLUNT

Tunnel. Man. Coat. Whore. Repeat.

ALLISON JANNEY

Haley Bennett went missing and you were seen in the area of her house last night. Well, around your ex husband's house because apparently you sort of stalk them. Maybe. We'll be in touch.

LAURA PEPRON

Seeing as you came home wasted, beaten up, and you have no idea what happened, you should probably stay away from all these people-

EMILY BLUNT

I HAVE A PURPOSE NOW!!!!

EMILY goes to LUKE'S house.

EMILY BLUNT

Hey Luke. You've never met me but I was friends with Haley.

LUKE EVANS

How? I monitored all of her phone calls and kept track of her passwords. I was emotionally abusive to her so she couldn't have had any friends that I didn't know about.

EMILY BLUNT

We are just going to gloss right over that and pan on in your on your fantastic abs. Anyway we did yoga together. No, pilates. Yogalates. That's actually a thing. Anyway, I saw her with a man.

LUKE EVANS

At Yogalates?

EMILY BLUNT

No. From a train on your balcony.

LUKE EVANS

She went to a psychiatrist a lot. Is this the man you saw?

EMILY BLUNT

I don't remember.

LUKE EVANS

She was also the nanny for your ex, Justin Theroux, and his wife.

EMILY BLUNT

Cool. Anyway, I remember now and it was the psychiatrist who was kissing Haley.

EDGAR gets arrested but then released. Also, HALEY was found dead. Meanwhile, ALLISON has another talk with EMILY.

ALLISON JANNEY

Edgar didn't murder Haley, but he did mention her husband is nuts. Also, it turns out she was pregnant but the baby did not belong to Edgar or her husband. As an unreliable lush who got off the train at that stop the night Haley went missing, you are the most obvious suspect. Sort of.

EMILY BLUNT

Sorry I don't remember what happened that night. My ex, Justin, has always told me that I black out and do terrible things I have no recollection of doing, which caused me to deteriorate into a hollow shell of a human being and he left me after I couldn't conceive. Real stand up guy. It should be noted that Haley was working for him.

ALLISON JANNEY

If only we could think of a third guy in Haley's life who would want to get rid of her after finding out she was pregnant...

INT. JUSTIN THEROUX'S HOUSE

REBECCA FERGUSON finds a phone that falls out of JUSTIN'S things. She listens to the voicemail message and learns that it was HALEY'S phone. She takes this very alarming information to nobody and does nothing.

Meanwhile, LUKE visits EMILY.

LUKE EVANS

You fucking cunt. I basically incriminated myself because that psychiatrist told the cops I was abusive! Fuck them and fuck you! I'm not abusive goddammit!

Luke throws Emily against a wall.

EMILY BLUNT

Whoa. Your abusiveness and my two seconds of sobriety have helped me remember something. I'm pretty sure my husband was abusive too.

LUKE EVANS

You mean the husband whom Haley used to work for? The one with the patented asshole face?

EMILY BLUNT

Yeah, he used to tell me I'd do terrible things when I drink, like throw golf clubs against a wall and ruin dinner parties that got him fired. His old boss recently informed me that I didn't do anything to ruin the party and Justin got fired for fucking everybody. Apparently he wasn't very discreet about that.

LUKE EVANS

You should take this information to Allison Janney. Whatever you do, don't go near Justin Theroux.

INT. JUSTIN THEROUX'S HOUSE

REBECCA FERGUSSON

Uh, Justin. I found Haley's phone in your stuff. Did you encourage me to hire her because you were fucking her? That's what matters right now. Not that fact that she was found dead recently.

JUSTIN THEROUX

Yeah so what? I got off on having the two of you in the house together. I actually say something exactly like this and if it makes you nauseous, that is the intent. I'm fucking disgusting. Oh look, Emily is here.

EMILY BLUNT

In a moment of clarity I remembered everything that night. I followed you and Haley into a tunnel, and then you came to me and beat the shit out of me. And then nobody heard from Haley again.

JUSTIN THEROUX

And in my own flashback, we learn I discovered Haley was pregnant with my baby and I responded by bashing in her head.

REBECCA FERGUSSON

This is all very interesting but I'm going to just take my baby and leave the room. I'm also going to stand by while Justin tries to strangle you. I'm either in shock or really really apathetic.

EMILY BLUNT

Yeah thanks for the help.

JUSTIN attacks EMILY so EMILY stabs him in the neck with a corkscrew. REBECCA runs out of the house and twists the corkscrew into his neck.

EMILY BLUNT

So I after I single handedly subdue the murderous asshole, THEN you come along and make sure he's really for real dead?

REBECCA FERGUSON

Well, you know. It's all about the sisterhood.

EMILY BLUNT

True. Which is what I wax poetic about in the voice over now. While staring at a statue with three girls holding hands talking about how we are all intertwined now because of our common circumstances.

HALEY BENNETT

Uh. I'm pretty sure I nonchalantly waited in the car while Justin made you disappear behind a tunnel and came back with bloody fists, so that we could have a conversation about me fucking him while he was married to...

REBECCA FERGUSON

Me. And I laughed in your face about how well Justin can lie because we did it to you while we were fucking behind your back for months while you were married to him.

EMILY BLUNT

Right. That's what I meant. Sisterhood.

END