FADE IN:

The TITLE flashes on screen, giving all the TEENAGE GIRLS in the audience a HEART MURMUR.

SHAILENE WOODLEY (V.O.)

I have cancer and it sucks. The air out of my lungs mostly, because of my metastasized lung cancer, which has made me a cynical and bitter spaz. If only I could find a Manic Pixie Dream Guy to make the short time I have left worthwhile like in all those romantic comedies I claim to hate.

INT. CANCER MEETING (BROUGHT TO YOU BY APPLE; APPLE, CANCER APPROVED)

GROUP LEADER

Alright everyone, now that we’ve opened up our heart chakras and chosen our power animal, who would like to share?

ANSEL ELGORT

(raises hand)

As a charming piece of beefcake, I would like to share that I find Shailene to be incredibly hot. You can tell because I’ve been staring at her like a creepy stalker for over an hour.

GROUP LEADER

That’s nice. As someone whose cancer is in remission would you like to share your fears?

ANSEL ELGORT

Dying before giving my entire heart and soul to the most spiritually beautiful girl in the universe. Also being forgotten.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Well I hate to break it to you Ansel, but we’re all going to die and be forgotten one day so fuck you and your childlike optimism you charming prick.

(gives him the finger)

ANSEL ELGORT

I want to marry this girl!

They start FALLING in LOVE IMMEDIATELY.

ANSEL ELGORT

Cancer spread to one of my legs so I had to have it amputated. I will limp occasionally to remind everyone of this, but otherwise will look just fine.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

And I will wear a breathing tube up my nose and lug around an oxygen tank to remind everyone I am sick, but aside from that I look and act relatively healthy for someone with terminal cancer.

ANSEL ELGORT

Along with being cute, funny, outgoing, charming, attentive and pretty much perfect in every way shape and form, I’m also a virgin.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Really? Somehow that last bit doesn’t seem to line up with everything that came before it. Have you never even had a girlfriend before?

ANSEL ELGORT

Of course not, silly! I’ve been saving all of my love and adoration for the most special girl in the whole entire world, which is you.

(stares right at Young Adult audience)

Which is actually YOU.

YOUNG ADULT AUDIENCE

(swoons!)

CANCER

Okay enough of this bullshit, party’s over!

SHAILENE’S CANCER nearly kills her dead, but she recovers.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Nearly succumbing to my sickness is a clear sign that I should tell Ansel to stay the fuck away from me, because giving the cold shoulder to the most perfect idealized guy ever in what could be my last days on earth is surely the smart play here.

ANSEL ELGORT

I don't care if you're mean, Shailene. I’m too charming and in love with you to let your insecurities keep me from making you happy.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Wanna bet?

SHAILENE continues being a DICKHEAD to ANSEL, but his boyish charm melts her cold shriveled cancerous heart.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Is no one going to point out how much of a childish douchebag I've been?

ANSEL ELGORT

It's okay because you have cancer. BTW, you know that book you love about an annoying girl with cancer which just so happens to be an allegory for this film? Well I’ve been e-mailing its reclusive author Willem Dafoe and he’s invited us to meet him in Amsterdam!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Yes! I'm certain my expensive medical bills have left my parents with more than enough money to finance this impromptu trip to the Netherlands! Right mom?

LAURA DERN

Sorry honey but your father and I don’t have the money for that!

(pause)

Okay now we do! We reached into our asses and the money was right there!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Cool! Wait, doesn’t it take like 4-6 weeks to get a passport?

LAURA DERN

According to the Stephanie Meyer school of writing, no!

INT. PLANE

They leave PITTSBURGH CHICAGO and head off to AMSTERDAM!

ANSEL ELGORT

My God! I’m afraid of flying! Shailene, hold my hand!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Cute, charming, funny AND vulnerable? All the passengers are in danger of being drowned I’m so wet right now.

INT. HOTEL - AMSTERDAM

LAURA gives SHAILENE a SEXY DRESS.

LAURA DERN

Good luck with your date with Ansel tonight. Wink wink.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Wait, are you giving me, your teenage daughter, permission to get drunk and fuck Ansel?

LAURA DERN

Yup! Because cancer!

CANCER

You’re welcome, Shailene. Have fun!

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - AMSTERDAM

SHAILENE and ANSEL go on a romantic date which is ROMANTIC, as well as ROMANTIC.

MAITRE D

Here Shailene, have this champagne! It’s like drinking the stars!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Drinking a ball of superheated gas doesn't sound very fun. Besides aren’t I supposed to be an underaged teen?

MAITRE D

Really? Jesus, you look 27! But it’s okay to drink alcohol because you have cancer!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Maybe my character is actually 18, which is the legal drinking age in Amsterdam?

MAITRE D

This film's Wiki says you’re 16 so nope! Having Cancer trumps the law!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

WHOOHOO!!

(gets shitfaced)

INT. WILLEM DAFOE’S LOFT

SHAILENE and ANSEL meet renowned author WILLEM DAFOE whose blood alcohol level is about 2000.0 past the legal limit.

WILLEM DAFOE

(bubbles coming out of mouth with an audible “hick!” sound)

So Shailene, even though you are a huge fan of my writing and have flown thousands of miles to another country just to meet me, allow me the honor of being a huge dickwad to you by mocking your devotion to my characters. Fuck you and the cancer you rode in on. Don’t let the door hit you in the cancer on the way out. Make like a tree and cancer out of here.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

The fuck?! Why’d you even invite us out here if you’re such a mean bitter asshole?

LOTTE VERBEEK

That was me actually, Willem’s assistant. I had hoped your charming cancery warmth would melt Willem’s cold intoxicated heart. Let me make it up to you by taking you and Ansel to Anne Frank's house.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Visit the house of a girl who tragically died too young? Are you sure we’re not laying the schmaltzy sentimentality on a little too thick here?

ANSEL ELGORT

I hope not, we’ve still got about 5 or 6 more layers to go!

INT. ANNE FRANK'S HOUSE

SHAILENE comes face to face with her mortal enemy: STAIRS

STAIRS

Haha! Fuck you Shailene! The thyroid cancer in your lungs prevents you from climbing me!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

I'll show you!

She BRAVELY scales STAIRS, those EVIL SONS OF BITCHES.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Wow, hearing the harrowing story of a girl who was thrown into a concentration camp and murdered has made me realize life is too short and should be lived to the fullest. By which I mean having sexy time. But it would be completely inappropriate to make out with Ansel in such a sacred place.

ANNE FRANK’S GHOST

Bitch, stop being a cock tease and get busy.

SHAILENE plays some serious tonsil hockey with ANSEL and EVERYBODY CLAPS because this is AMSTERDAM where SUCKING FACE IN ANNE FRANK’S ATTIC IS TO BE APPLAUDED.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Now let’s go find Mother Teresa’s grave and fuck on top of it.

ANSEL ELGORT

My hotel is closer.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

(sigh)

I guess that’ll have to do.

ANSEL attempts to cure SHAILENE’s cancer with his PENIS.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Holy shit, did that work?

ANSEL ELGORT

Kind of. It turns out you’re not the one kicking down death's door just yet, I am. I have about four more scenes to live.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

So YOU’RE Mandy Moore and I’M Shane West?

ANSEL ELGORT

Or you’re Dakota Fanning and I’m Jeremy Irvine, for our young European viewers who don't remember that Mandy Moore used to be in movies.

NAT WOLFF

Greetings, I'm Ansel's friend and my girlfriend dumped me because cancer took away my eyesight.

ANSEL ELGORT

I say we go egg that bitch's car! In broad daylight! And without masks on!

SHAILENE WOODLEY

I'm in!

This HAPPENS.

GIRLFRIEND'S MOM

Hey! You little bastards get off of my property or I'm calling the fucking cops!

ANSEL ELGORT

No you won't, because we have cancer.

GIRLFRIEND'S MOM

Oh, then I guess it's okay then.

ANSEL ELGORT

Now calmly go back inside your house while we continue to egg your daughter's car which you're probably still leasing.

GIRLFRIEND'S MOM

(does so)

This REALLY HAPPENS.

CANCER

The fuck? You know if it wasn't for me you brats would be in a shitstorm of trouble right now.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

That's right kids, having cancer means you're allowed to be a complete asshole or do whatever you want and not suffer any consequences! Besides death of course!

ANSEL ELGORT

Very keen, Shailene! Now help me fulfill my last wish by attending my mock funeral while you perform my eulogy.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Great, that’ll give us a chance to slather on those last few layers of schmaltz dipped in misery sauce and topped with morbid dressing in order to squeeze those last few drops of lady tears out of our audience.

ANSEL ELGORT

See you in Insurgent next year in theaters everywhere!

(is dead)

Some of the YOUNG ADULT AUDIENCE MEMBERS cry in the theater, FOR REAL.

POLICE

Damn, there goes the statutory rape case we were building. Are you people seriously overlooking the fact Ansel preyed on a 16 year old girl who thought she was dying and charmed his way into her underaged pants?

YOUNG ADULT AUDIENCE

Hey, as long as it's not about a fucking vampire that sparkles we're calling this a win.

EXT. ANSEL’S (REAL) FUNERAL

SHAILENE WOODLEY

(doing eulogy)

Ansel was the most handsomest, most funniest, most charmingest, most understandingest guy ever who also washed the dishes and gave me foot massages without me having to beg him and everyone should use him as the gold standard when choosing a boyfriend or husband.

YOUNG ADULT AUDIENCE

We will!

WILLEM DAFOE

Greetings Shailene. I’ve sobered up long enough to fly to America in order to tell you that book I wrote that you love so much was about my daughter who died of cancer, thus explaining my rude bitter assholishness.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Yeah don’t care get the fuck out of my movie.

WILLEM DAFOE

What? You don't want to know how my book ends? But I thought that was the whole point of

(is kicked out of the movie)

SHAILENE WOODLEY (V.O.)

When I was a kid and cancer was trying to punch my soul into the next life I told a nurse the pain was a 9. I was saving my 10 for Ansel's death, because I could see the future and knew I'd live long enough to fall in love I guess, and because love means never having to say you’re sorry. Now do I have to start growing my hair out again? It’s nice to not be mistaken for JWoww for a change.

END