INT. THE SPEED FORCE- DC'S QUANTUM MAGUFFIN

FLASH BOMER is running through a SUPER LIGHT TUNNEL, this will be the LOADING SCREEN between clips. He meets IRIS LATHROP in SOME VERSION OF EARTH that you will need a PRIMER level knowledge to keep track of.

IRIS LATHROP

(looks at title)

Oh no! How did I get roped into a DC cash grab? I have potential in my career. Why am I being punished? Are they going to give me a mustache and CGI it out?

FLASH BOMER

Calm yourself, babe. This is an animated feature. That means accurate fan service, carefully written stories, budding voice actors that don't have drug habits and arrest records, directors that don't think they invented cinema, and visual FX that were not made with free assets from the After Effects trial version. These movies are apologies for the theater stuff.

IRIS LATHROP

That is a relief. So I guess this is a fresh take on the series.

FLASH BOMER

(dropping a stack of comic books)

To catch you up to speed, you need to read The Flashpoint issues 1-6, Justice Society Omnibus 1 and 2, Justice League 1970-1989, Flash 1990-2005, and Crisis on Infinite Earths and the Forever Evil arc. Also this is part of an extended universe so I added ten animated movies to your queue.

(reconsiders)

You know what? Just understand that every time I move my legs I ruin billions of lives and destroy the fabric of reality. This is my fifth go at it. What does Einstein say about the definition of insanity?

IRIS LATHROP

(kisses Barry)

Well, you have already burned up our dining scene where we first fall in love so you need to go back into the Speed Force. People are going to see the Speed Force more than they will see their own family this year.

EXT. METROPOLIS- EARTH: WHO CARES

FLASH BOMER gets off his butt and notices AMAZO, a KILLER IRON MAN with the intellect of a TELETUBBY. SUPER CRISS is getting his super brains beaten out.

AMAZO

Amazo is a friend to humans.

(kills lots of cops)

Amazo is a big huggable robot.

(eats Super Criss' face)

SUPER CRISS

(ramming at target)

Every time I ram at Amazo he absorbs all my powers and makes me powerless.

(rams at target)

I can't understand why he keeps winning. Ahhh...I just got beaten up again.

(rams at target)

Golly, I wish I knew what I was doing wrong.

The JIMMI ARROW is there and he is as USELESS as an umbrella in a tsunami.

JIMMI ARROW

(shoots arrow)

My arrows are like cotton balls on his metal frame.

(shoots arrow)

I possess no tool to make this mega villain flinch.

(shoots arrow)

But maybe the exact same arrow will do something miraculously different.

FLASH BOMER

Let me try something.

(runs away)

Insert HOMELESS GUY whose super power is homelessness.

HOMELESS GUY

The end of the world is near.

FLASH BOMER

Ugh... can't you Trump supporters let a Democrat take office without being drama queens?

INT. FLOWER SHOP- EARTH: NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION

IRIS LATHROP

Wake up from your Speed Force trip. We are having a reception soon and we need to choose flowers.

FLASH BOMER

Woah, I am on an alternate Earth where I have the same responsibilities of Ross getting ready for his wedding with Rachel. I call this Earth Lame.

IRIS LATHROP

Wait till you see all the elderly people we throw in at the end.

HOMELESS MAN

Did I mention the world is ending?

(grabs Flash's face)

INT. WAYNE MANOR- EARTH: YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE

BAT ACKLES allows SUPER CRISS, FLASH BOMER and JIMMI ARROW to crash his MANSION and instantly learn his SECRET IDENTITY. BAT ACKLES has constant RESTING DEAD PARENTS FACE.

FLASH BOMER

Is it cool if we crash here and play around in your Batcave?

BAT ACKLES

The last Barry I let into my Batcave cost the studio millions of dollars and almost destroyed a 90 year old comic legacy.

JIMMI ARROW

I should have recognized you were the Playboy millionaire, Bruce Wayne.

BAT ACKLES

I should have recognized you were a Metrosexual Matthew Lillard.

FLASH BOMER

Honestly, I don't think our audience will recognize all the small time voice actors except the second best actor from Supernatural, Zachary Quinto, and Lou Diamond Phillips.

(reconsiders)

On the other hand, that means we haven't committed any crimes or pooped in Johnny Depp's bed.

SUPER CRISS

Guys, we need to band together in some kind of Super Friend League of Justice Avenging Group if we expect to beat Amazo. All of our powers do squat against him, but if we band together it will be squat times zero.

BAT ACKLES

I put a bunch of bottom shelf heroes in this iPod Shuffle. Let's see who we get.

THE JUSTICE BROS recruit VIXEN and J'ONN J'ONZ. THE CAUCASIAN GREEN LANTERN turns them down because we needed to see all the heroes with prior commitments.

FLASH BOMER

I need to take some speed.

(runs away)

INT. BROODING HOUSE- EARTH: SHRUGS

BAT ACKLES is trying to PAWN OFF ORPHAN ROBIN on FLASH BOMER.

BAT ACKLES

There's no way my full time butler, gigantic house, and millions of dollars can take care of Orphan Robin. Can he live in your one room studio?

FLASH BOMER

Pass.

BAT ACKLES

Guess I am going to be a dad. Thanks a lot, you selfish third stringer.

FLASH BOMER

(runs away)

INT. CRIME SYNDICATE- EARTH: THROWS UP HANDS IN FRUSTRATION

FLASH finds a DYSTOPIAN METROPOLIS where SUPER EVIL CRISS, EVIL ACKLES, UNI BOMER, GREEN LANTURD, and SUPER WOE MAN own the world and effectively run it from a MAJOR CITY in KANSAS.

FLASH BOMER

Oh no, I think Biff got ahold of the sports betting book and brought it back to his fifties self.

SUPER EVIL CRISS

Wrong. We are the Justice League if it was thought up by Zack Snyder after someone gave him the prompt "new and original idea." We are heartless monsters. Some of us are so evil we are Australian.

SUPER WOE MAN

We are evil because a lot of voice actors need to pull triple duty on multiple characters. My voice is used for every tall women that has dark hair. That is like fifty.

SUPER EVIL CRISS

I voice ten different characters and three of them are hotdog vendors. Let's get this over with. Time to be killed, Flash.

EVIL ACKLES

"Kill you" is code for perform quick trial where we extra decide to want to kill you.

FLASH BOMER

I have the power of jump cuts on my side.

(uses jump cut)

EXT. THE HALL OF JUSTICE- EARTH: YOUR MOM

FLASH BOMER and his new JUSTICE LEAGUE is cutting the ribbon on their new HQ, which lets every mega villain know where to send nukes.

FLASH BOMER

With my genius idea to "be a team", we can now revisit that Amazo problem we left in the city.

AMAZO throws trucks at everyone. FLASH slows everything down to zero, which equates to 20 Snyder Seconds. Everyone uses their powers and Amazo gets seriously inj...in better shape.

JIMMI ARROW

(shocked)

My arrows which do nothing are still doing nothing.

SUPER CRISS

(state of disbelief)

My ramming which has done nothing is still doing nothing.

BAT ACKLES

(aghast with confusion)

I keep throwing small plastic balls and firecrackers at him and it is doing nothing.

LUTHOR QUINTO drops down to actually EXPLAIN a plotline.

LUTHOR QUINTO

I, the smartest man on the planet, have taken over Amazo. Originally, he was supposed to collect energy and life goo from people in totally consenting ways to help Dr. Ivo not die from old people's disease, which is odd because Amazo's default move set is heat vision and throwing cars at people. Now he collects all super powers and distributes them to me.

JIMMI ARROW

I won't let him steal my arrow firing accuracy skill.

BAT ACKLES

He better not touch my wealth management powers.

HOMELESS MAN

Guess what? The world is ending.

FLASH BOMER

That is my cue to leave. Good luck with the super hero killer.

(leaves)

INT. THE CRIME SYNDICATE- EARTH: SPAGHETTI RABBITS DISHWASHER

The EVIL LEAGUE OF EVIL is upset that their world is ending.

HOMELESS MAN

I told you.

(does happy dance)

FLASH BOMER

A giant vaporizing wall is destroying everything. We need to pool our brains together and find a way to...

SUPER EVIL CRISS

I am going to punch it!

SUPER WOE MAN

I am going to throw cars at it even though it clearly gobbles up cars.

EVIL ACKLES

I want to shoot lasers at it.

FLASH BOMER

How did you intellectually lacking villains take over the world? Is this the set to Idiocracy?

The EVIL DUMMIES OF DOOM PUNCH, SHOOT, and SCREAM at the DEVOURING ABYSS and they DIE. Everyone dies from shock because that OPPENHEIMER level plan didn't pan out.

FLASH BOMER

Everyone is completely inept at getting their job done. That is the one thread holding this multiverse together.

INT. BARRY'S HOUSE- EARTH: RAGE QUIT

OLD BOMER wakes up to OLD LATHROP.

OLD BOMER

We are old.

OLD LATHROP

Agreed.

EXT. HALL OF JUSTICE- EARTH: MCEARTHY FACE

BAT ACKLES wants to NUKE all of Metropolis to stop AMAZO, because DC is not working fast enough to bomb their brands. FLASH BOMER brings back DR. IVO.

AMAZO

I love killing. Killing is fun.

DR.IVO

Killing is bad.

(dies)

AMAZO

Oh.

(shuts down)

SUPER CRISS

We did it! Not one of us proved to be even a smidgen useful or helpful in any world, but at least we got to ram at it for thirty minutes.

LUTHOR QUINTO

Guys, I hate to break it to you, but I was the last boss. That will be the only the fight scene in this movie. The last thirty minutes is introducing torrents of new faces and thinking of plans.

FLASH BOMER

We wasted 60% of the runtime on messing around on a DLC quest and now we have to get to the only reason people would buy this movie. How did this lopsided Looney Toon get 100% on Rotten Tomatoes?

(runs away)

INT. WEDDING- EARTH: IS PEPSI OKAY?

IRIS and FLASH are getting married.

HARBINGER

No time to screw around with this. I don't even have time to introduce myself. I need every hero to come with me so we can stop this crisis on a finite number of earths. We need to cram a 300 page mega event in the last 30 minutes.

FLASH BOMER

(farts around)

INT. EXPOSITION SATELLITE

OVER 75 YEARS of DC HEROES are standing around and they are divided up between 8 VOICE ACTORS. THE MONITOR is here too. THE MONITOR wishes to make known that he is not THE WATCHER. MARVEL probably stole that idea. DC needs you to know this and accept it as Gospel! REPEAT IT BACK TO ME. THE MONITOR was FIRST.

MONITOR

Okay, everyone stop adding value to your characters with as few lines as possible. I need to pop out this problem. You are Earth's mightiest and most OP heroes. Except Robin and Green Arrow. That was actually a dumb move to bring them here. Actually, we don't need most of you. We just need BAT ACKLES, DOCTOR LIGHT, and a hologram of someone we didn't invite. I am actually horrible at my job, which is on brand for everyone else in this movie.

FLASH BOMER

(waits for the abyss to destroy several worlds)

Did I mention that I can travel to many different worlds through vibrating?

MONITOR

New plan, I just need The Flash. All of you go drink coffee or something.

SUPER CRISS

(rams into something)

EXT. EVERY EARTH WORKING TOGETHER AND HOLDING HANDS

EVERY SINGLE HERO goes back home and BUILDS a giant VIBRATING THINGY.

SUPER CRISS

Instead of an epic final battle we are building something.

OTHER SUPER CRISS

Who needs a knockout, drag out, battle to the death when you can Bob The Builder the end of your movie?

AQUAMAN

I built my vibrating thingy underwater.

(stops being necessary to the plot)

INT. EXPOSITION SATELLITE

The WAVE OF DEATH comes early to EVERY EARTH.

MONITOR

What? They rushed out the production of the killing wave before it was ready? Is the wave of death owned by WB?

BAT ACKLES

Welp. I guess we dead. Lol.

SUPER CRISS

I have rammed in vain.

EVERY DC HERO EVER MADE

(waits for James Gunn to save them)

INT. BARRY'S HOUSE- EARTH: DIABEETUS

OLD BOMER and OLD LATHROP have a hearty oatmeal and sensible fiber drink before gingerly SAVING THE WHOLE MULTIVERSE.

OLD BOMER

(carrying six million miles of cable)

I guess now is a good time to save the multiverse.

(stops to drink tea with Iris)

(plays a game of chess with Amazo)

(asks his doctor if LaTruda is right for him)

OLD LATHROP

(dies)

OLD BOMER

(cuts urgency in half)

(does light stretching)

INT. EXPOSITION SATELLITE

EVERY HERO celebrates because OLD BOMER HOOKED up an extension cord and that made the KILLING WAVE OF DEATH pass by every earth.

PSYCHO PIRATE

For anyone who gives the slightest care about my purpose in this film, just know that I am like Gollum, lightly hinted at in the first one and probably utilized better in the sequels.

SUPER GIRL

We did it. All of us working together solved a mega event problem that was originally full of cosmic battles, sacrifices, and life changing cataclysms. We did it by asking The Flash for advice and hooking up an extension cord. Maybe it would have been better if Batman yelled "Martha" at the death wave.

SPECTRE

Do we have time to introduce my character?

SUPER GIRL

One minute tops.

SPECTRE

I promoted Old Bomer to Homeless Man and now he is going to loop around to the beginning of this movie and warn everyone. Try not to think about the logistics behind this time travel/but really universe travel/but actually time travel mish mash. Just know that I punished an elderly man who saved us all and who lost his wife.

DAWNSTAR

(notices the title of the movie)

Wait, there is a part one tacked on to the title...that means.

(turns into dust)

SUPER GIRL

We got Thanos now??? We just spent our time travel nickel to beat death wave. Somebody look for The Atom. He might be stuck in a van that needs a rat to help him escape.

(turns into dust)

BRAINIAC FIVE

(One of 600 collectibles)

Well, if this movie duds we can still fall back on the Arrow/Flash miniseries, The Crisis on Two Earths animated feature, The Flash movie, and the eventual jobs we get for Loki season 3.

(turns to dust)

CREDITS

We might have ended more abruptly than Fast X, but stay tuned for part two of Crisis of Infinite Earths where Iris and Barry plan a game night with light refreshments and Superman helps build a shed!

END