The Very Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. CANADA
EUGENE LEVY
Hi everyone, I'm here to do my character from "Splash" except as a school principal.
INGRID KAVELAARS
(looks at script)
Eugene, I... oh my God, we need to...
GOOBY ENTERS.
EUGENE LEVY
WHAT IS HAPPENING
INGRID KAVELAARS
THE MAW HAS OPENED, IT DEVOURS US
ROBBIE COLTRANE
OH GOD HOW DID I GET HERE, I WAS JUST IN A RECORDING BOOTH IN BRITAIN AND NOW PINHEAD IS RAPING ME IN A LAKE OF BOILING URINE
DEREK SCOTT
OH FUCK I AM DOOMED TO SPEND ETERNITY AS A PEDOFURRY
EUGENE LEVY
(prostate being ripped out through nostrils)
BUT WHAT OF THE CHILD, GOD PLEASE SAVE HIM
MAW OF DESPAIR
OH DAMNED ONES, AGONY AND TORMENT ARE YOUR GODS NOW, BUT HELL SHALL SHOW THE CHILD MERCY WHERE YOU DID NOT
DEREK SCOTT
OH SWEET JESUS THE SUIT DOES NOT COME OFF AND NOW MY ACTUAL SKIN HAS TRANSFORMED INTO ANOTHER GOOBY SUIT BENEATH IT, MY EYES ARE UNSEEING PLASTIC SPHERES, MY TEETH HAVE BECOME AS BLOOD
INGRID KAVELAARS
(entrails boiling through pores of her skin)
ROBBIE COLTRANE
(face collapsing into giant sphincter that expels all internal organs)
MAW OF OBLIVION
ALL YE WHO READ THIS, YOUR SOULS ARE FORFEIT
WITHOUT END
WITHOUT END
WITHOUT END