FADE IN:

INT. A HOUSE

DEVON SAWA'S MOM AND DAD are lying in bed.

MOM

Do we get killed in the first scene?

DAD

Yes. They are trying to create atmosphere.

MOM

Does it work?

DAD

No.

MOM AND DAD are killed offscreen. Meanwhile, DEVON SAWA wakes up and gets stoned.

DEVON SAWA

I'm a stoner because stoners are funny! Where are Mom and Dad? My possessed hand must have killed them while I was sleeping.

INT. LIVING ROOM

SETH GREEN and ELDEN RATLIFF come in.

SETH GREEN

Cool, man, you killed your parents and now you'll kill us and make us the funniest characters in the movie. Can we get baked before we turn into zombies?

DEVON SAWA kills them using make-up effects and CGI.

INT. JESSICA ALBA'S ROOM

AUDIENCE

JAIL BAIT!

DEVON SAWA

My possessed hand threw the cat through the window. It landed in your yard simply because the writers couldn't think of a funnier way for us to meet.

WRITERS

It's funny! LAUGH!!

DEVON SAWA puts his possessed hand on her ass.

DEVON SAWA

I can't control my hand! It's funny!

JESSICA ALBA

I will sleep with you because you grabbed my ass. The audience will now care about me when your hand is trying to kill me in the last five minutes of the movie. I am a truly unrealistic character who is insulting to every teenage girl who respects herself.

DEVON SAWA

My hand is out of control! It's funny, and it gets me sex.

DIRECTOR

Funny!

WRITERS

We are so clever! This possessed hand idea is funny! We thought of it while we were watching other far superior horror comedies!

DEVON SAWA and JESSICA ALBA sleep together offscreen.

INT. VIVICA A. FOX'S DRESSING ROOM

VIVICA A. FOX

I'm a sexy nun who likes to have sex. My character serves no purpose for the movie. I could have been edited out and it wouldn't have made a real difference.

INT. DEVON SAWA'S LIVING ROOM

Seth Green Zombie and Elden Ratliff Zombie are sitting on the couch watching cartoons.

SETH GREEN ZOMBIE

Dude, we are undead and stoned.

ELDEN RATLIFF ZOMBIE

Dude, my severed head is funny. See how they rip of the movie Dead Alive to make it funny?

DEVON SAWA runs in! His hand is going wild!

DEVON SAWA

My hand is going wild! We must cut it off now so that it can run rampant at the school prom and do predictable things like kill characters who were created simply to die in various horrible yet humorous ways!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

The prom is happening, with many potential victims dancing in the gym. The band The Offspring is playing a remake of a classic Ramones song.

AUDIENCE

The Offspring suck! We want the real Ramones!

Several characters are killed by the EVIL SEVERED HAND: A BOY AND GIRL making out in their car get killed offscreen!

GIRL

AAAIIIGGGHHH!!

BOY

AAIIIGGHHHHH!!

THE PRINCIPAL gets killed offscreen!

THE PRINCIPAL

AAIIIGGHHHHH!!

The LEAD SINGER FROM THE OFFSPRING gets his fake scalp ripped off his head -- ON SCREEN!

LEAD SINGER

AAIIIGGHHHHH!!

AUDIENCE

YAY! Finally, something entertaining!

The EVIL SEVERED HAND chases half-naked JESSICA ALBA and THE SCHOOL DITZ into the air vents, and kills THE SCHOOL DITZ with a BIG FAN in a very gruesome manner... offscreen.

JESSICA ALBA

I've been splattered with fake blood! AAIIGHH!!

DIRECTOR

Funny, yet gruesome! Now we're a REAL horror comedy!

AUDIENCE

ZZZZzzzzzzZZZZzzzzz....

INT. SHOP CLASS

JESSICA ALBA has already been tied down to the top of a car, because it would cost too much money to show how the hell ONE HAND managed to do it on its own. The car she is on is being raised on a lift toward the ceiling!

JESSICA ALBA

Eeek! Help me! I'm about to be smooshed, and I am acting like I am scared.

DEVON SAWA runs in, and can't pull the EVIL SEVERED HAND away from the control lever.

DEVON SAWA

Die, evil hand! Die!

SETH GREEN ZOMBIE and ELDEN RATLIFF ZOMBIE enter.

ELDEN RATLIFF ZOMBIE

We have no real use in this scene, much like every other character in this movie.

SETH GREEN ZOMBIE

We're comic relief.

DIRECTOR

THEY'RE FUNNY!

AUDIENCE

ZZZZzzzzzzZZZZzzzzz....

DEVON SAWA

Dude, we can get the hand stoned so it will stop the car lift and we will save my hot jail bait girlfriend!

ELDEN RATLIFF ZOMBIE

The script says I think that's a great idea!

They blow pot smoke on the hand, which goes limp. The lift stops. JESSICA ALBA is saved!

AUDIENCE

HANDS DON'T HAVE LUNGS TO INHALE SMOKE!

VIVICA A. FOX runs in and stabs the EVIL SEVERED HAND with a special knife. It dies for good. The audience feels ripped off because the main character doesn't kill the hand, which is what would have happened in a GOOD MOVIE.

SETH GREEN ZOMBIE

What a sorry way for this movie to end. At least I got payed more than anyone else.

VIVICA A. FOX

Now I will say an extremely unfunny line and leave: Now for the ritualistic sex. HAH! Get it? I'm a nun who -- oh, forget it.

She leaves.

WRITERS

Our 14 year old friends thought it was funny.

DIRECTOR

FUNNY!!

The audience leaves, feeling like they had just seen a horny high school geek's AV project with a big budget. They are engrossed in thinking about movies with more plot and story than this one... like Lost in Space.

END