FADE IN:

INT. DINGY BASEMENT IN STATEN ISLAND, THE DINGY BASEMENT OF NEW YORK

PETE DAVIDSON hangs out in a BASEMENT while SMOKING POT with his friends BEL POWLEY, RICKY VELEZ, LOU WILSON, and MOISES ARIAS.

If that line about SMOKING POT didn’t do it for you, this isn’t gonna work out.

MOISES ARIAS

Oh hey, it’s Pete Davidson, the stoner burnout who’s always making jokes about his dad dying in 9/11.

PETE DAVIDSON

That’s me! In this movie I’ll be playing a stoner burnout making jokes about my dad dying in 9/11. But since this is a dramedy, deep down it’s because I’m sad.

LOU WILSON

So this is basically an autobiography except it’s what your life would have been like if you had never gone into comedy.

PETE DAVIDSON

I went into comedy?

PETE and BEL POWLEY sneak off to have sex.

BEL POWLEY

Oh wow I just had like six orgasms with you, the guy who wrote the scene where I say that!

PETE DAVIDSON

Yeah, but don’t get the wrong idea. I’m too much of an unlikeable piece of shit to be in a serious relationship so this is just casual sex that I seem to not enjoy.

BEL POWLEY

But I want everyone to know we’re together, and then I want everyone to know when we break up six days later and I write a song about it.

PETE DAVIDSON

Sorry baby, I can’t be tied down, not since I reinvented my public persona as a cool rebel by dying my hair stupid and covering myself with hideous tattoos so I wouldn’t look like a nerd with anus eyes.

DIRECTOR JUDD APATOW

It’s really helped you disappear into all your SNL characters who have to act exactly like you because you look like this all the time! I may have finally found my new Seth Rogen now that I’ve realized Amy Schumer isn’t funny.

EXT. GRADUATION PARTY

PETE attends a graduation party for his sister, MAUDE APATOW.

PETE DAVIDSON

Maude Apatow? Does Judd have to cram you in every one of his movies? Wait, this isn’t going to be some weird Kevin Smith thing where he directs his daughter talking for 10 straight minutes about how many dildos and strap-ons she owns, is it?

MAUDE APATOW

Ew, no. I’m a squeaky clean ideal child actually, I’m going to college and mostly vanishing from this movie after handily cataloguing your many character flaws for the benefit of the audience in a scene that will go on literally forever.

PETE DAVIDSON

Oh, perfect. Hey, have you seen mom? I lost her in this enormous mansion that belongs to your best friend who somehow goes to the same school as you.

PETE’S MOM, MARISA TOMEI, enters adorably.

PETE DAVIDSON

Marisa Tomei is my mom!? Aw man, that means half this movie’s jokes are going to be about how fuckable she is, and I don’t even get to be Spiderman!

MARISA TOMEI

That’s right, this entire story is secretly about my character finding love again after tragedy, but it’s like the camera keeps accidentally autofocusing on you as if your hot take on my journey is at all valuable.

PETE DAVIDSON

Goddamn, I’m the least interesting part of my own movie! Since when does "I do drugs" not count as a personality!? This sucks, I’m out of here.

EXT. BEACH

PETE hangs out with his friends talking about what a terrible tattoo artist he is.

PETE DAVIDSON

Man, I’m so unlikeable but I feel like I could be even more unlikeable. I need the opposite of a “save the cat” moment.

RICKY VELEZ

How about a “tattoo the child” moment?

PETE DAVIDSON

That works! Hey kid, what do you want me to tattoo on you?

10-YEAR-OLD

How about the “Punisher” insignia? I want to show my support to the all the cops who unironically plaster his sticker on their trucks.

PETE starts to tattoo the boy while most of his friends ensure the audience realizes they’re all pieces of shit, not just PETE.

INT. MARISA TOMEI’S HOUSE

BILL BURR shows up at the door.

PETE DAVIDSON

Oh wow, Bill Burr! You’re one of my favorite comedians now that I’m not allowed to like Louis C.K. anymore! Are you going to say some funny things?

BILL BURR

I will not.

PETE DAVIDSON

Oh. Well, are you at least going to do your trademark schtick where you’re disproportionately angry about minor things?

BILL BURR

Oh, yeah. Ahem, hey, you put a tattoo on my kid!

PETE DAVIDSON

You... actually seem kind of weirdly under-angry about this.

MARISA TOMEI

Excuse me. What seems to be the trouble here, Bald Yosemite Sam?

BILL BURR

Oh, I was just yelling at your kid for disfiguring my child but now that I see I have a chance at getting laid, I’m sorry. Can I make it up to you by taking you out to dinner somewhere that probably serves chicken wings?

MARISA TOMEI

My mind’s telling me no, but that thing on your face is telling me yes!

PETE DAVIDSON

Well it would be truly despicable for me to be anything but supportive of this, so I’m happy for you mom. May your offspring have the reddest of faces.

BILL BURR

I’m glad you feel that way, maybe I can be the kind of stepdad that tries bonding with you by taking you to a baseball game with my firefighter buddies?

PETE DAVIDSON

YOU’RE A FIREFIGHTER!? BUT THAT’S WHAT MY DAD WAS! This is such a weird thing for me to have an issue with but I do anyway!

BILL BURR

Oh. Well then in that case I’ll be the other kind of stepdad: you need to get a job and get your own place. Also, I’ve got chores for you that mostly involve you being responsible for the safety of my children, who I apparently hate.

INT. RESTAURANT

BILL and MARISA go to the restaurant where PETE works as a bus boy.

BILL BURR

Oh fancy seeing you here, I’m totally oblivious to any way the power dynamic of me being a customer you’re forced to serve might make our relationship even rockier so can we have more breadsticks, please?

MARISA TOMEI

This seems like a pretty respectable job, nothing zany or remotely comedic about it.

PETE DAVIDSON

Well after hours it turns into like a full-fledged fight club with Hulk hands and massive liabilities, that’s nonsensical enough to be confused with humor.

BILL BURR

Hulk hands? Wait, is this an Avengers movie? Is that why this is over 130 grueling minutes, are we fighting Thanos later?

PETE sees BEL POWLEY having dinner with some TINDER DATE.

PETE DAVIDSON

Bel? What are you doing here?

BEL POWLEY

Oh I’m dipping calamari in ketchup with this attractive man who looks like he doesn’t stay up all night playing Xbox and even shares the one personality trait I have of actually liking Staten Island. But I don’t really want to be with him, I brought him here to make you jealous because I want so badly to be with you, the guy who wrote this scene and all of my dialogue.

PETE DAVIDSON

(shrugging)

ok

BEL leaves in a huff and gets 0 STARS.

INT. TATTOO PARLOR

PETE goes into a nearby tattoo parlor to ask for a job.

PETE DAVIDSON

I hate working in a restaurant, I keep running into every single person I know. Can I work here doing tattoos so I can eventually start my tattoo restaurant idea and thus still be working in a restaurant?

MACHINE GUN KELLY

No. You’re not some misunderstood genius who just needs a chance, your tattoos being terrible is basically the one thing that’s been established about them.

PETE DAVIDSON

Machine Gun Kelly? You’re in movies now? I thought you were dead since I listened to Eminem absolutely. Fucking. Bury. You.

PETE helps his friends rob a convenience store but then they all get arrested and DISAPPEAR FROM THE MOVIE while there are ZERO CONSEQUENCES for him.

INT. MARISA TOMEI'S HOUSE

PETE comes back home but is locked out by MARISA.

MARISA TOMEI

Honey I love you but I’m throwing you out because you’re such a worthless go-nowhere piece of shit.

BILL BURR

She’s right.

MARISA TOMEI

How dare you agree with this assessment of my son. Get out! Both of you, out of my life! I’m prioritizing my own happiness and self-actualization now! Again, this movie is secretly about me but Judd doesn’t seem to realize it.

(slams door)

BILL BURR

Well that’s just great. Now who am I going to fly into a drunken rage and abuse?! Because you know, sometimes you can just tell...

PETE DAVIDSON

I suppose I could live with you at the firehouse?

BILL BURR

You think firemen live at the firehouse? What are you, eight? Do you think all your elementary school teachers lived at the school when you weren’t there, too?

PETE DAVIDSON

Oh, I...

BILL BURR

Nah I’m just busting your balls, I actually do live at the firehouse. Come on.

INT. FIREHOUSE

PETE meets all of BILL’S FIREFIGHTER BUDDIES.

BILL BURR

Alright these are my pals Slappy, Tiny, Chief, Champ, Slappy, Slim, Junior, Sport, Slappy, and Steve Buscemi.

STEVE BUSCEMI

The fact that I’m in a movie with Pete Davidson and not cast as his father due to the resemblance has to be a clerical error. You know, I actually knew your father. He was a great guy, he loved doing drugs just like you.

PETE DAVIDSON

The one thing I can relate to! That’s so cool, was he funny like me?

STEVE BUSCEMI

Like you?

Suddenly everyone is called to fight a FIRE. A building blazes as BILL and company save women and children from a raging inferno, narrowly avoiding certain death.

BILL BURR

See how important firefighters are now?

PETE DAVIDSON

What? I never thought firefighters weren’t important, my issue is that I didn’t think it was responsible to keep the career while raising a family because I feel resentment toward my father for dying on the job and leaving me to grow up without him.

BILL BURR

Oh right. Do these slow-motion hero shots resolve any of that resentment for you?

PETE DAVIDSON

Somehow, yes!

BILL BURR

Look, I feel like we’ve gotten a lot closer. I think it’s time I offer up my entire pale freckled back as a blank slate for you to practice tattooing on.

PETE DAVIDSON

Okay but you can’t see it until it’s all done because we’re going to set up a big reveal that my tattoos actually DON’T look like the entire #badtattoos hashtag on Instagram.

Suddenly, a RANDOM GUY comes up to PETE with a STAB WOUND.

STABBED GUY

Help! I got high, got stabbed, and then walked all the way over to a fire station but forgot to set myself on fire first.

PETE DAVIDSON

As a fellow imbecile, I'm obligated to help you. To the Stat-mobile!

INT. HOSPITAL

PETE brings the GUY to the hospital and then patiently sits in the waiting room until BILL arrives and uses FIREMAN INFLUENCE to expedite things, proving that the STABBED GUY would have been fine if PETE had done nothing and he had just waited for BILL to get back.

MARISA TOMEI

You’re hanging out together? Does this mean you’re friends now?

BILL BURR

Yep, I even let him completely ruin my back, that’s how much I love this frog-looking idiot! Check it out. It’s a whole bunch of really sweet artwork right? Like maybe me with my kids to show Pete now cares about me as a person?

MARISA TOMEI

These tattoos are all really bad and offensive, actually. So Pete has neither grown as a person nor an artist.

BILL BURR

Aw man. There’s at least no swastikas right? I specifically said no swastikas, I already look like me so I don’t need that on top of it.

MARISA TOMEI

Oh hang on, there’s one tattoo here of my family, and you’re in it, under the watchful judging eye of my dead husband. Aww.

PETE DAVIDSON

See, I’ve grown a little.

BILL BURR

Wait, you permanently inked my girlfriend’s dead husband’s face on MY back? That’s not touching, why are we moved by this? And why is everyone mentally reading these lines in my voice?

PETE DAVIDSON

Also, my sister is wearing her graduation cap and gown since that's the one thing I know about her, which is a great choice given that she’ll only ever wear that outfit twice in her life and it’s on your back forever!

EXT. STATEN ISLAND FERRY

BEL PAWLEY goes to take a CIVIL SERVICE test in MANHATTAN so that at least one scene can take place outside of STATEN ISLAND.

PETE DAVIDSON

Hey, can I come with you? I’m willing to be in a relationship with you now, YOU’RE WELCOME.

BEL POWLEY

Well, you’re the exact same piece of shit you were when you told me I was too good for you but I’m still madly in love with you after all this time so anyone who ever declined your marriage proposal sure is missing out, she says lustfully gazing into Pete's eyes. Then it says here I hum 'Thank u, next' while fellating you, is that right?

PETE DAVIDSON hangs out in MANHATTAN while NOT SMOKING POT with none of his friends who are all rotting in jail and NO ONE CARES.

Everyone who watches the movie only does so because if they go to the movie theater they'll die.

END