FADE IN:

EXT. STREET - 1969

A GAS TRUCK is on fire, so DENNIS QUAID must rescue the driver.

FOUR or FIVE FIREFIGHTERS risk their lives for the one driver and they save him! Also, there is a COOL EXPLOSION.

SON IN AUDIENCE

I feel so close to you, dad.

FATHER IN AUDIENCE

Hell yeah. Boom, said the truck!

INT. DENNIS QUAID'S HOUSE

DENNIS dances with his WAIF, er, WIFE and is generally very happy.

YOUNG JAMES CAVIEZEL

I am happy.

YOUNG NOAH EMMERICH

I am happy, but a bit of a dork.

NORMAN ROCKWELL

Hey, hey, cut it the fuck out, this is my bag.

INT. OLDER JAMES CAVIEZEL'S HOUSE

JAMES' LIFE, by contrast, SUCKS.

ONE DIMENSIONAL GIRLFRIEND

You won't change, James. Something vague and generic is seriously wrong with our relationship. Goodbye.

She leaves.

JAMES CAVIEZEL

Perhaps I shall cope with this problem by looking at the badly generated Aurora Borealis and talking on my father's old ham radio.

(pause)

You see, I still live in the same area, in the same house as my father did. I also became a cop like my dad's friend and remained best pals with the redhaired doofus I was friends with as a kid. Quite amazing. I'm sure this situation happens in a lot of places.

DENNIS QUAID

Hello?

JAMES CAVIEZEL

Hey.

DENNIS QUAID

I'm your dad.

JAMES CAVIEZEL

Holy shit.

DENNIS QUAID

Yeah. Baseball.

JAMES CAVIEZEL

Yes, baseball. You die tomorrow.

DENNIS QUAID

Damn it's a good thing this mystical link shit just happened to occur today. I'll make sure to not die tomorrow, I'm sure it won't change the past or anything.

He lives. The past is DRASTICALLY ALTERED.

JAMES CAVIEZEL

Whoa, who would have thought that would happen? Baseball.

DENNIS burns the desk, burning the desk in the future in real time.

Then the WAIF turns out to have been killed, though it happens not in real time, but in the same way past changes are handled in most other movies.

Then, even though the movie beats into our heads that small changes have drastic effects, numerous things manage to stay exactly the same, such as locations of photographs.

Then, JAMES retains his old memories while other people do not.

SON IN AUDIENCE

Contrived plots make me feel closer to you, daddy.

FATHER IN AUDIENCE

Shut up. Baseball!

DIRECTOR GREGORY HOBLIT

Shit, they're moving apart. I must make this a father and son film, dammit!

Suddenly, some extraneous sentimentality is thrown into the mix.

FATHER IN AUDIENCE

I love you.

SON IN AUDIENCE

I love you too, dad.

DIRECTOR GREGORY HOBLIT

Ack, now they're turning into women. I can't have that either.

Suddenly, some REALLY REALLY extraneous subplot about a serial killer is given the film's focus. DENNIS and JAMES work together to catch the murderer, who eventually shows up to kill DENNIS/FRANK on the very same night, separated by exactly thirty years to the second.

Surprisingly, DENNIS wins and waits thirty years to save JAMES.

FATHER IN AUDIENCE

Serial killers bring families together. So does baseball.

EXT. BASEBALL FIELD

DENNIS, JAMES, his apparent WIFE, and the NOW ALIVE WAIF play baseball together in a cheesy scene dripping with pseudo-sentimentality.

CUE: Awful music.

END