We open with a MONTAGE of the world gradually getting SHITTIER and SHITTIER and also more CROWDED until we reach the present shitty year of 1973. Then things get even SHITTIER and more CROWDED until we reach the far-off DYSTOPIAN FUTURE year of apex shit...2022!

INT. SMALL NYC APARTMENT

The city population is 20 MILLION and 50% UNEMPLOYED and it shows. CHARLTON HESTON wakes up in a cramped apartment to the sound of a TUBE TELEVISION being watched by EDWARD G. ROBINSON.

GUY ON TV

The makers of Soylent Red and Soylent Yellow wafers announce a new product, Soylent Green! It's definitely made of plankton and nothing else. Now you have THREE things you can eat! We really put our hearts into this one! And our heads, and our backs, and our lungs...

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

(Switching off TV)

Poppycock! Back in my day, everything was better! I used to be a college professor! And the world had trees, and real food, and my roles were better too! I was in Double Indemnity, for God's sake! Now I'm just some archivist they call a "Book."

CHARLTON HESTON

Yeah, sure, next you'll tell me birds were real. Anyway, I've gotta go slip past the 500 people sleeping in our building's hallway to go work the night police patrol.

INT. JOSEPH COTTEN'S SWANKY LUXURY APARTMENT

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG is playing COMPUTER SPACE, a real video game that looks a like an even earlier version of ASTEROIDS.

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

Hee-hee! Technology is so advanced here in 2022! I just love playing COMPUTER SPACE! Everyone should get a copy of COMPUTER SPACE!

JOSEPH COTTEN

Yes, my lovely. Now you and the bodyguard go out and have fun shopping for the entire evening. Be sure to leave me here alone the whole time.

LEIGH and bodyguard CHUCK CONNORS exit. STEPHEN YOUNG enters with a CROWBAR.

STEPHEN YOUNG

Nice place. I see this movie got the 2022 gap between the rich and poor right. Anyway, I'm really sorry about this, but I have to kill you.

JOSEPH COTTEN

Oh, it's all right, I understand.

STEPHEN YOUNG

I have to do it with this weird crowbar-thing that had to be assembled for some reason. Oh, and the people who sent me said they were sorry as well, but that you had become unreliable.

JOSEPH COTTEN

Yeah, they're right. Hey, maybe aim for this spot on my head.

KILLING happens.

INT. JOSEPH COTTEN'S SWANKY APARTMENT- LATER

CHARLTON HESTON is questioning LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG and CHUCK CONNORS.

CHARLTON HESTON

(To Leigh)

You were his concubine?

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

Yes, I'm known as "furniture." I came with the apartment.

CHARLTON HESTON

Huh, I thought women's rights were going the other way by 2022.

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

They were, but then the Supreme Court overturned it.

CHARLTON HESTON

And you, bodyguard, you say he was a lawye- HOLY SHIT, is that BOURBON?

CHARLTON yanks open the cabinet and takes a swig. His eyes go to the open bathroom.

CHARLTON HESTON

Is that a SINK?

He runs inside and starts washing his face.

CHARLTON HESTON

And SOAP? Bodyguard, go write up my police report for me. I'm about to steal everything in this apartment.

The SANITATION CREW arrives to take away the body.

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

What will they do with Joseph?

CHUCK CONNORS

He's going to get one of those "green" burials.

INT. CHARLTON AND EDWARD'S APARTMENT

CHARLTON shows EDWARD a STOLEN SILK PILLOWCASE full of STOLEN GOODS.

CHARLTON HESTON

Look what I stole! I mean, have!

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

An accurate depiction of how police still think they're above the law in 2022?

CHARLTON pulls out BLANK PAPER and PENCILS.

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

Good gravy! Paper and pencils! That's a big deal, even though there was work-required writing in just the last scene!

CHARLTON pulls out SOAP and BOOKS!

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

My GOD! "Soylent Oceanographic Survey Report, 2015-2019." Now I'm going to ramble about how good everything used to- HOLY POOP ON A STICK! IS that BOURBON?

CHARLTON HESTON

It is! But that's not all! I also have FRUITS and HALF-WILTED VEGETABLES!

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

HOLY GUY WHO PLAYED MOSES! How could it get any better?

CHARLTON HESTON

I have...a chunk of beef that looks nothing like the one I stole!

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

BEEF? Not Impossible Beef, but the real thing?

(Faints)

We are treated to the YOUTUBE VIDEO "Soylent-Era People Try Real Food" for an entire scene. CHARLTON visits CHUCK CONNORS' apartment and returns, having learned almost NOTHING.

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

Oh yeah, that guy who was murdered was friends with the governor and on the board of the Soylent Corporation. Isn't that interesting? They control the food supply.

CHARLTON HESTON

Here, eat what was stuck to this spoon I found that belonged to the furniture of Chuck Connors and has been sitting in my pocket all day.

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

OK.

(Eats)

$150 strawberries? How can Connors afford that? And how did food inflation get THAT out of control?

EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE CHARLTON'S APARTMENT

The streets are empty thanks to a PLOT-CONVENIENT CURFEW. CHARLTON unlocks a LANDLINE CORDLESS PHONE STUCK ON A WALL to call CHIEF BROCK PETERS at the precinct.

CHARLTON HESTON

Joseph Cotten was on the board of Soylent and his absentee bodyguard has luxury items that he shouldn't be able to afford. Also, I heard a faint clink sound a second ago, so I'm definitely being tailed by like, the best stalker in the world.

BROCK PETERS

Meh, I wouldn't worry about the stalker. But come in here right away about the other things.

CHARLTON HESTON

Yes sir, I'll come in tomorrow.

BROCK PETERS

Right away, tomorrow, whatever. Just don't be here when this Quaddaffi impersonator from the governor's office who's staring at me right now is in.

INT. JOSEPH COTTEN'S SWANKY APARTMENT

CHARLTON is let inside and is greeted by the finest collection of FURNITURE this side of the ASHLEY HOME STORE.

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

Just having a few friends over.

FUNKY 70s PORNO MUSIC plays. No, really.

CHARLTON HESTON

I've never seen anything so beautiful! Is that...ICE?

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

Well, I guess this isn't THAT kind of 70s movie...

CHARLTON HESTON

HOLY SMOKES, is that a CIGARETTE?

They go into the bedroom and close the door so he can "question" her.

CHARLTON HESTON

Did Joseph have any weird friends or act strange?

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

Yes, he had a couple. One was this guy named WHIT BISSELL.

CHARLTON HESTON

The governor? How do you not know who the governor is? Even just from being in the same room as Joseph's TV?

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

Joseph acted so strange in his final months, he even took me to church. Had to confess something to a priest.

CHARLTON HESTON

Huh, that's very- OMFGWTFBBQ, PERFUME!

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

You've helped yourself to everything in here but the furniture.

CHARLTON HESTON

I think I want that too.

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

Whatever.

They BONE.

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

Won't you stay a while? I'll make you breakfast.

CHARLTON HESTON

Oh, I really can't. I-

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

You can take a shower with...HOT WATER!

CHARLTON HESTON

Looks like I have to stay. I'm suddenly madly in love with you.

LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG

And I, you!

We're treated to a YET ANOTHER SCENE of people LIVING IN THE LAP OF AVERAGE by taking hot showers this time.

INT. REALLY CROWDED CHURCH

CHARLTON walks around WALL-TO-WALL HOMELESS PEOPLE living in the sanctuary before finding a really, really burned-out REV. LINCOLN KIRKPATRICK.

CHARLTON HESTON

Here, Father, have a crying baby I found outside.

LINCOLN KIRKPATRICK

Huh? Yes...okay.

CHARLTON HESTON

Did you hear the confession of a man named Joseph Cotten?

LINCOLN KIRKPATRICK

It's so crowded here, I need to...

(Directly into camera)

MAKE ROOM, MAKE ROOM!

CHARLTON HESTON

What did Joseph Cotten confess? Maybe something related to Soylent?

LINCOLN KIRKPATRICK

It's too horrible to repeat. It...broke me.

He wanders off in a daze.

CHARLTON HESTON

What could the horrible secret be? Such dramatic tension, because no one knows!

INT. POLICE PRECINCT

BROCK PETERS

We're closing the Cotten case. Sign here saying it was just a random burglar.

CHARLTON HESTON

I refuse! Why close it?

BROCK PETERS

Someone really important wants it closed, a statement which invites NO follow-up questions. Also, you're on riot duty.

INT. CHURCH CONFESSIONAL

LINCOLN KIRKPATRICK leans against the confessional wall in a daze. CHUCK CONNERS enters.

CHUCK CONNERS

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I'm about to make three different scenes pointless by making them end in a dead lead. Oh, and kill a priest!

He SHOOTS LINCOLN with one of those guns with a MOVIE SILENCER that makes it sound like a CAT SNEEZING, and is about as loud.

CHUCK CONNERS

Now I'll just leave your murdered corpse here for anyone in the long line of confessors to find and tie to me.

EXT. CROWDED MARKET

CHARLTON and another RIOT COP monitor the crowds while STEPHEN YOUNG lurks nearby. Some in the crowds wear CLOTH SURGICAL MASKS because this movie was written by a TIME TRAVELER.

VENDOR

GET YER SOYLENT GREEN HERE! GET THE FOOD OF THE PEOPLE!

RIOT COP

Charlton, they're about to run out of Soylent Green and then this crowd will riot. The scoops are on their way.

VENDOR

GET YER SOYLENT GREEN! HAVE LUNCH WITH OLD FRIENDS!

CHARLTON HESTON

When will you make the announcement?

RIOT COP

As soon as I get the nerve.

VENDOR

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT! HEALTHY SOYLENT GREEN RIGHT HERE!

CHARLTON HESTON

Why not wait until the scoops are actually here?

RIOT COP

Because this will be more dramatic, of course!

VENDOR

(Shaking empty container)

And it's gone.

RIOT COP

(Into megaphone)

The supply of Soylent Green has been exhausted! Please disperse and pretty please don't riot!

The crowd RIOTS LIKE ITS 2022. The SCOOPS arrive, dump trucks with bulldozer shovels in the front. They proceed to attempt to scoop up the CROWD, who mostly RUNS in a PANIC!

CHARLTON HESTON

How are they helping? And how do they always miss the riot cops?

The movie DISTRACTS us from this with lots of QUICK CUTS of the scoop shovels HITTING THE GROUND REALLY HARD. STEPHEN YOUNG fires a gun at CHARLTON and PREDICTABLY hits someone else in the crowd. TWICE. CHARLTON throws him into the empty space in front of a scoop. STEPHEN shoots CHARLTON in the leg, just before getting CRUSHED by the scoop!

CHARLTON HESTON

These Soylent rioters are always so full of themselves!

INT. BOOK CLUB

EDWARD discusses the Soylent Oceanographic Report with his fellow archivists, AKA "BOOKS."

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

It's horrible! The characters were all boring and there was no plot development!

SENIOR BOOK

You still have to accept what it says, Edward. The plankton is dying, so they had to look elsewhere. Joseph Cotten learned THIS HORRIBLE TRUTH THAT I WON'T SPOIL and the Soylent Corporation feared he couldn't keep it a secret, so they eliminated him.

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

But what can we do?

SENIOR BOOK

We have to find proof that they're doing this and take it to the Council of Nations, a really intriguing idea that will never get brought up again. These documents aren't proof enough for some reason.

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

That's it, I'm out!

OTHER BOOK

You're quitting?

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

Oh, I'm quitting all right, but not just this job...

INT. JACK KEVORKIAN MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

EDWARD is filling out a form with an ATTENDANT clad in white, flowing robes. Everything looks like something out of a 70s NEW AGE CULT. Definitely a DEATH CULT.

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

I wanna hear the Glenn Miller Orchestra, and I wanna see cops beatin' up hippies.

He's taken into a PRIVATE IMAX THEATER with a BED in the middle, is given a VERY STRONG DRINK, and starts watching a montage of SCENERY PORN. CHARLTON limps into the adjoining room and literally TWISTS THE ARM of the ATTENDANT to make him open the sliding barrier covering the window between the rooms and turn on a SPEAKER so they can talk.

CHARLTON HESTON

Edward! I found your note! I'm here for your emotional final moments!

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

Charlton! You'd better really look sad about my death, because I really am dying! I succumbed to cancer about two weeks after shooting wrapped! Look at the video, Charlton! I told you how beautiful the world was!

CHARLTON HESTON

(Holding back tears)

It's-it's even more beautiful than a slab of beef!

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

Oh, but the truth I learned about Soylent is so horrible! It's-

(Crackling sound)

There's a CONVIENENT TECHNICAL MALFUNCTION that forces CHARLTON to listen to his final words via HEADPHONES, meaning we can only hear him when DIRECTOR RICHARD FLEISCHER wants us to.

EDWARD G. ROBINSON

(Through headphones)

You've got to prove it, and then take that proof to the senior books!

(Dies)

INT. JACK KEVORKIAN MEMORIAL HOSPITAL LOADING DOCK

CHARLTON sees CORPSES from the facility, still wrapped in sheets, being loaded into DUMP TRUCKS! He jumps in the back of one and it drives for a distance before pulling up to a REALLY HEAVILY-GUARDED FACTORY. The DRIVER gets out and ANOTHER gets in.

GUARD 1

That's all that's stopping the driver from connecting where the ingredients come from to what they're being used for? Having someone else take over the truck by the factory entrance?

GUARD 2

No, there was also a single misleading sign. And no sign on the factory!

The TRUCK, along with others, backs up to a PIT by the factory. They dump their loads into it and LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOOOOOORRRRR! CHARLTON jumps off and heads inside the FACTORY.

INT. FACTORY

CHARLTON runs around a lot and sees CORPSES being moved by conveyor belt. They fall into a large TANK filled with water. A few hundred feet away is a conveyor belt covered with freshly-made SOYLENT GREEN!

CHARLTON HESTON

Great Scott, Soylent Green is-

FACTORY WORKER

HEY! What are you doing up there?!

Two FACTORY WORKERS give chase, but are shoved over CATWALK RAILINGS by CHARLTON. They fall amongst the Soylent.

CHARLTON HESTON

At least he died surrounded by people.

CHARLTON hitches a ride on a truck leaving the factory as an ALARM blares into the night.

EXT. CHARLTON'S APARTMENT BUILDING

CHUCK CONNERS and other GUARDS stand outside the building. CHARLTON slips up to THAT WALL PHONE FROM BEFORE and tells LEIGH TAYLOR-YOUNG goodbye and talks to BROCK PETERS for about THREE SECONDS before STUPIDLY GETTING THE ATTENTION OF THE GUARDS by slamming against a LOCKED DOOR. He drops the phone and it falls with a DING, because people in 1973 thought cordless phones would have BELLS on them.

A FIREFIGHT ensues between CHARLTON and the GUARDS where CHARLTON uses a REVOLVER that he's apparently HAD ALL ALONG. He picks them off one by one except for CHUCK CONNERS, who shoots CHARLTON in the back. A wounded CHARLTON crawls into...

INT. PROBABLY THAT CHURCH FROM BEFORE

They fight amongst the CROWD before CHARLTON stabs CHUCK with a RANDOM KNIFE, killing him. A PRIEST, A NUN, and BROCK PETERS rush in and approach CHARLTON as he bleeds against a pillar.

CHARLTON HESTON

You've gotta tell them, I've got proof.

BROCK PETERS

What proof?

CHARLTON HESTON

I saw it with my own eyes.

BROCK PETERS

Whew, good thing everyone in 2022 accepts truths they don't like after hearing a single person's testimony. Proof of what?

CHARLTON HESTON

Ocean's dying, plankton's dying....

BROCK PETERS

Damn, this movie got everything right about 2022! Except for overpopulation, the biggest thing.

EVERYONE stares at CHARLTON with anticipation.

PRIEST

Come on, say it!

NUN

Say the line, Charlton!

CHARLTON HESTON

(Deep breath)

GET YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME, YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!

NUN

No, the other one!

CHARLTON is loaded onto a STRETCHER and they begin carting it away.

CHARLTON HESTON

You've gotta tell them, SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!

Everyone CHEERS. HAPPY MUSIC plays over the CREDITS.

END