FADE IN:

EXT. BOSTON - SORRY, BAHSTAN

TAHM HANKS

Despite being a mahdern-day American hero, I'm also a nahmal guy with nahmal prahblems, just like anyone else. Well, off to my daily grind of sailing giant cahgo bahges off the coast of Africa.

CATHERINE KEENER

Don't forget to pack a lunch, dear!

(pause)

Wait, this is my entire role? I'm an Oscar-nominated actress, for fuck's

EXT. MEANWHILE ONE FINE DAY IN SOMALIA

BARKHAD ABDI and ANOTHER GUY play SCHOOLYARD PICK'EM to assemble their rag-tag teams of scrappy underdogs, that are sure to overcome impossible odds to capture the STATE CHAMPIONSHIP VALUABLE CARGO!

BARKHAD ABDI

Yes, like Tahm, I also face a rough commute. As in, someone will come mutilate my entire family if I don't show up for pirate duty.

BARKHAD ABDIRAHMAN

Ooh, over here! I'm a complete stranger with psycho eyes! Pick me!

BARKHAD ABDI

But we have almost the exact same name. What if the Oscar voters get mixed up and split the vote? This is my shot at a nomination, dude.

BARKHAD ABDIRAHMAN

No c'mon, we'll be like Bill Pullman & Bill Paxton in 1990's "Brain Dead", it'll be awesome!

BARKHAD ABDI

(sighs)

Okay, fine. Besides, I'm sure your quick temper and rash decision-making will come in handy.

INT. MAERSK ALABAMA CONTAINER SHIP

TAHM stomps around the boat being a SECURITY-CONSCIOUS HAHDAHSS in precisely the same way his real-life counterpart reportedly WASN'T.

TAHM HANKS

Get those anti-pirate lahks prahperly lahked! They may do jack shit against anybody with a gun, but with any luck we'll only run into cutlass-wielding, hook-handed pirates.

CREW

Okay, yes, we signed up for sailing through pirate waters. But we NEVER signed up for taking reasonable precautions against pirates! Fuck you!

(sulks)

TAHM HANKS

Aw CAAM AAAHN!!

(pause)

Look guys, I'm about to pretty much ditch the Boston accent thing for the rest of the movie, if that helps. Just a few random lines here and there, I promise.

CREW

Alright, fine.

(unsulks)

FIRST MATE MICHAEL CHERNUS

Let's review our course. We'll be leaving from Pirate Bay, travelling along Pirate's Shoals, going around Pirate Cove and finally arriving at Pirate Docks. The forecast is hostagey with a 300% chance of pirates.

TOM HANKS

Sounds good. In fact, fuck it, let's do like the real Captain Phillips and sail even CLOSER to Somalia, to save time. But don't mention it out loud, it might conflict with the whole hero thing.

Sure enough, TOM skilfully avoids the PIRATE-INFESTED OCEAN WATERS by taking a shortcut through OCEAN-INFESTED PIRATE WATERS. They SAIL for about TWENTY SECONDS when...

MICHAEL CHERNUS

(scanning horizon)

Oh no, pirates are approaching! From quite a long way off in fact! Well it's not like they need the advantage of surprise, given that we're going to mostly stand around and wait for them.

TOM HANKS

Hm, I bet they're listening to our radio transmissions. That gives me an idea.

(into radio)

Maersk Alabama to dockyard, repeat, Maersk Alabama to dockyard! Just wanted to check, are you sure the radioactive waste we loaded was sealed properly? I only ask because the hull is glowing and I seem to have grown two extra cocks.

(pause)

MICHAEL CHERNUS

(looking through binoculars)

They're still coming.

TOM HANKS

(into radio)

Er, attention all crew! Don't forget about the lunchtime meet'n'greet with the fully-armed black-ops murdersquads that are sailing with us! Also, Sgt. Spinegobbler has promised to demonstrate his patented staring technique that can snap a man's neck at fifty yards. Don't miss it!

(pause)

MICHAEL CHERNUS

No luck.

TAHM HANKS

Hmm.

(into radio)

Message from Enterprise to Stahfleet Command this sector. Surrounded and under heavy Rahmulan attack. Escape impossible, shields failing. Will implement destruct order using cahbomite device recently instahlled. Since this will result in the destruction of ahl mahtter in a two hundred thousand kilahmetre diameter, all Federation ships will avoid this area for the next fah solah yeahrs. Explosion will take place in one minute. Kirk out.

(pause)

MICHAEL CHERNUS

One boat peeling off! But the other one's still coming, must be Star Wars fans.

TOM HANKS

Dammit! Engineer Guy, what else can we do?

ENGINEER GUY

(thinks)

We can either speed up and risk blowing out all our engines.

TOM HANKS

Or?

ENGINEER GUY

That's it.

It WORKS!

NON-BARKHAD PIRATE CAPTAIN

Argh, the single outboard engine on each of our two boats has only half the necessary horsepower to catch them! WHAT TO DO!?!??!?

TOM HANKS

Phew! Now let's slow down, give them a chance to catch up and try again.

MICHAEL CHERNUS

Should we alter course or something, making us harder to find? Or keep going at the faster speed for a while, to give us some breathing room? Or

EXT. MAERSK ALABAMA - THE NEXT MORNING

With the whole pesky "under cover of darkness" thing out of the way, the PIRATES resume their attack!

BARKHAD ABDIRAHMAN

Ha ha, we traded Non-Barkhad a fatal blow to the head, in exchange for his engine! And we've added it to ours, to create one superboat! Now you are fucked!

TOM HANKS

My Gahd if only we had brought one fucking gun with us this would be no problem at all. Why do we not do this??

MICHAEL CHERNUS

Hey, our company has a ransom fund in their budget, what more do you want?!?

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON FLYING PAST IN HIS SHIP OF THE IMAGINATION

Besides, who needs simple bullets when you have the far mightier forces of fluid mechanics... and Pascal's Law of transmission of pressure... at your disposal? Hmmm?

TOM HANKS

Oh, right!!

They activate the SHIPBOARD AQUA-FUN THEME PARK that sprays water all along the perimeter! But one of the HOSES comes loose!!

MICHAEL CHERNUS

Must heroically fix hose, even if it puts me in mortal danger!

(does so, is fine)

Phew, now the hoses will keep us safe!

(hoses do fuck all)

What the hell was the point of all that.

TOM HANKS

Well I'm sure this 90,000-ton boat at least has really heavy doors and sturdy locks on the bridge, right?

BARKHAD ABDI bursts open the door by SNEEZING on it, and TAKES THE BRIDGE.

BARKHAD ABDI

I am the captain now.

(pause)

We might as well stop the movie right here, since that was the only line anyone will ever quote, and the only clip anyone will ever show. Just wait, in a few months every fucking interviewer and comedian will be declaring themselves fucking captain of fucking everything. Honestly I'm tempted to...

TOM HANKS

DON'T SHOOT HIM SHOOT ME! IF YOU WANT TO SHOOT ANYONE SHOOT ME! I AM A TRUE AMERICAN HERO EVEN THOUGH THIS MOMENT NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED

BARKHAD ABDI

God, alright, we'll keep going. I guess the next step is to threaten to kill you unless the crew obeys my orders. But even though you have a P.A. system, I want to deliver my ultimatums in person, so let's start a pointless cat-and-mouse chase.

TOM HANKS

(aside, to Michael)

We've got to stall him! Not for the crew's sake, but so we can somehow pad these events to feature length. Any ideas?

MICHAEL CHERNUS

We could offer the pirates our secret $30,000 stash, which I guess is our hooker money or something? Anyway since these ships usually ransom for at least a few million, I'm sure that'll be enough.

It DOES NOT WORK!

TOM HANKS

Or, we could pretend that we broke the engines. Then I'm sure they would shrug, laugh it off and go home like good sports.

This also DOES NOT WORK!

MICHAEL CHERNUS

Or, since drawing from real events isn't doing shit, we could pull a Die Hard and get a barefoot pirate to walk on broken glass.

It WORKS! YAY for the POWER OF MOVIES!

BARKHAD ABDI

Damn it! Eh, I don't need henchmen, I'm the head pirate, big bad, and main adversary. I'll find the remaining two dozen crewmen in the dark by myself.

(is captured)

Did NOT count on me sucking. Thought I would have some kind of primary-villain powers. Guess not.

MICHAEL CHERNUS

Hm, we can probably trade Barkhad in exchange for the pirates taking the lifeboat and fucking off, but how do we get Tom back? Hmmm. Perhaps there's some cunning plan where we

TOM HANKS

I MUST GO IN THE LIFEBOAT! I SELFLESSLY HEROICALLY PLACE MYSELF IN THE LIFEBOAT EVEN THOUGH THIS MOMENT NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED

INT. LIFEBOAT

TOM, the BARKHADS, and a couple OTHER PIRATES all cram in the LIFEBOAT that seems even slower than the dual-engine superboat the pirates arrived in.

TAHM HANKS

I wahnt you guys to know, if I jump overbahd later only to be immediately recahptured, it's because I'm a true American hero. And because we couldn't leave out one of the few real-life moments where I actually do something.

BARKHAD ABDI

Don't get any silly ideas Tom. Everything is going according to plan.

TOM HANKS

But my boat is following us!

BARKHAD ABDI

It's going to be fine.

TOM HANKS

And now there's a Navy boat out there!

BARKHAD ABDI

I am in control.

TOM HANKS

Now there's an entire fleet of multinational battleships surrounding us!

BARKHAD ABDI

Don't play games with me.

TOM HANKS

And you just got bit by a zombie, implanted with an Alien egg, and had sex at Camp Crystal Lake!

BARKHAD ABDI

(pause)

I am the captain now.

NAVY SEALS

(knocking on door)

Hey there guys! We brought a fresh shirt for Tom with a big sparkly glow-in-the-dark HOSTAGE: DO NOT SHOOT patch on it. Also, would the rest of you mind wearing these bullseyes? Thanks. Oh, and ONE last thing, could your leader please return with us unarmed, that'd be super.

BARKHAD ABDI

Because I am in total control of the situation, I agree!

(to other pirates)

You guys wait here while I go extort a global superpower, okay? Be right back.

INT. BATTLESHIP

NAVY SEAL

Captain! The SEAL Captain has captured the pirate Captain who kidnapped Captain Phillips!

NAVY CAPTAIN

Excellent! Now... wait, do I order you, or do you order me? Fuck, why is everybody a captain now.

NAVY SEAL

I DON'T KNOW CAPTAIN SIR UNLESS I'M ALSO A CAPTAIN IN WHICH CASE I JUST DON'T KNOW FULL STOP!!

NAVY CAPTAIN

Well, have everybody stand in a circle and stare at the guy until we can figure out who's authorized to shoot his face if he tries something.

Meanwhile, the SEALS line up 40,000 SNIPERS that all set their sights on the LIFEBOAT.

SEAL CAPTAIN

I need green on all targets before we can fire! Do we have green?

SEALS

Nope.

SEAL CAPTAIN

How about now?

SEALS

Not yet.

SEAL CAPTAIN

....now?

SEALS

We'll let you know.

(pause)

SEAL CAPTAIN

(singing)

Oh, it ain't easy being...

(pause)

SEALS

Nice try sir.

The SEALS WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and eventually they SHOOT all the remaining PIRATES and RESCUE TOM.

INT. RESCUE BOAT

TOM HANKS

Shit, is this the last scene? I forgot to do any acting!

TOM proceeds to ACT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK OUT OF THE FINAL SCENE and scores himself a GOLDEN GLOBE NOMINATION.

TOM HANKS

Who's the fucking captain NOW.

END