FADE IN:

INT. CONSPIRACY MANOR - WASHINGTON D.C.

SCOTT GLENN is meeting with STACY KEACH to discuss THE ENDING OF THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM, which is STILL GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND. STACY is a DUDE, BY THE WAY.

SCOTT GLENN

Wasn't it wicked awesome how that one scene between Matt Damon and Joan Allen in The Bourne Supremacy was rehashed in The Bourne Ultimatum, only in a completely different context? How about we do that again, but with a whole new movie this time?

STACY KEACH

A fourth movie? But Matt Damon's arc is all wrapped up, what --

SCOTT GLENN

Yes, but he didn't get to the bottom of everything. There's always a deeper bottom. You have no idea how low we can sink.

STACY KEACH

Again? Doesn't it feel kind of lazy to simply introduce a whole bunch of new people behind the ones that were dealt with in the previous movie?

SCOTT GLENN

Hey, I was actually in The Bourne Ultimatum. For all of two minutes. And I've almost used up my two minutes for this movie, so here's Edward Norton, everyone!

(collects paycheck, leaves)

EDWARD NORTON

Hello. I was just having a run in the pouring rain to establish what an unyielding hardass I am. What's going on?

STACY KEACH

Matt Damon has blown the whistle on Blackbriar. Or Treadstone. I forget which is which.

EDWARD NORTON

Then Outcome will be exposed too because of this YouTube video that Albert Finney appears in for five seconds!

ALBERT FINNEY

(collects paycheck, leaves)

STACY KEACH

Outcome? For fuck's sake, there's a third?

EDWARD NORTON

Yes. We must kill all the Outcome agents. And their handlers. And the researchers working on their chemical enhancements. Surely dead bodies everywhere is the way to go to avoid attracting any unwanted attention.

STACY KEACH

Alright, go ahead. But that better be it for government assassination programmes. If I find out there's any more, I'm going to scowl at you.

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE - ALASKA

OUTCOME AGENT JEREMY RENNER is swimming through FREEZING WATER, climbing MOUNTAIN FLANKS like it's NOTHING, dancing with WOLVES and generally being a BADASS. He meets with FELLOW AGENT OSCAR ISAAC at a FOREST SHACK.

JEREMY RENNER

Oh, I thought I was the only one in the programme.

OSCAR ISAAC

Didn't you read the tagline?

(gravely)

There was never just one.

JEREMY RENNER

I think that actually refers to Matt Damon.

OSCAR ISAAC

How does that make any sense? We've already seen, what, six others over the course of the last three movies?

JEREMY RENNER

"There were never just seven" doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it?

OSCAR ISAAC

Come on, I'll make us some dinner while we have a verbal pissing contest about who is more badass.

EDWARD NORTON then sends out a PREDATOR DRONE to take out JEREMY and OSCAR. Only OSCAR is killed, because he is obviously LESS BADASS.

JEREMY RENNER

Oh no, someone's trying to kill me for some reason! Looks like I don't even need any convenient amnesia to be utterly clueless as to what's going on. Although now I don't have a valid excuse for experiencing flashbacks.

A FLASHBACK happens ANYWAY, showing that JEREMY is CONFLICTED about what he does and is therefore DEEP. Meanwhile...

INT. RESEARCH LAB - CHICAGO

RACHEL WEISZ enters her RESEARCH LAB. She converses with her COLLEAGUE, ZELJKO IVANEK.

ZELJKO IVANEK

Rachel? What are you doing here?

RACHEL WEISZ

I'm the new female supporting character. Can you imagine awkwardly trying to shoehorn Julia Stiles into all this again? Come on!

ZELJKO IVANEK

Fair enough. So how's the production of our chemical enhancements going?

RACHEL WEISZ

Great! We've got green chems that offer increased strength and endurance and blue chems that enhance intellect. If there's anything else the plot requires, we'll have chems for that too.

ZELJKO IVANEK

So there can also be a chem that allows a meek and untrained scientist to effortlessly pick locks and handle weapons? I'm asking for a friend.

RACHEL WEISZ

Theoretically, yes.

After LOCKING the DOOR, ZELJKO goes on a SHOOTING SPREE and starts killing EVERYONE IN THE LAB. He commits SUICIDE before he can get to RACHEL.

RACHEL WEISZ

What has science done?

EXT. CITY STREET - CHICAGO

After a shitty reenactment of THE GREY, JEREMY arrives in CHICAGO, where he sees a NEWSPAPER ARTICLE about RACHEL'S ORDEAL. HEY, FLASHBACK TIME!

RACHEL WEISZ

(examining Jeremy)

Nice sudden goatee there, Jeremy. I'm sure now everybody knows that this is a flashback.

JEREMY RENNER

Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself. Hopefully this comment about your good looks will make our inevitable attraction later on seem less forced.

RACHEL WEISZ

Hah! No.

INT. FOREST VILLA - CHICAGO

Back in the PRESENT, RACHEL has retreated to her FOREST VILLA, where she is visited by ELIZABETH MARVEL and a team of NOT HITMEN, WE SWEAR.

ELIZABETH MARVEL

Hello, Rachel. I'm an agency therapist sent here to mistakenly accuse you of survivor's guilt and scream at you should you refuse to sit down.

RACHEL WEISZ

Okay, you're obviously the worst therapist ever.

ELIZABETH MARVEL

Good thing I'm actually a CIA assassin then!

ELIZABETH tries to STRONG-ARM RACHEL into SUICIDE, but she is then KILLED by JEREMY.

ELIZABETH MARVEL

Oh no wait, I suck at that too.

(dies)

RACHEL WEISZ

It's you! Why are you here? What do you want?

JEREMY RENNER

A dramatic purpose! My memories are intact so I don't need to chase after my identity, and I don't really want to expose this whole sordid mess. Please, anything to make my character even remotely compelling.

RACHEL WEISZ

Hmm, let me think. You're taking those chems, right?

JEREMY RENNER

Yeah, but I'm out of blue ones.

RACHEL WEISZ

That's perfect! We'll just make your regular IQ twelve points below the army recruitment minimum!

JEREMY RENNER

So my motivation is to not become an idiot again. Great.

They TORCH the VILLA and DRIVE OFF.

RACHEL WEISZ

I can treat you so your enhanced skills are permanent. We've already tried it with some of the other agents. And Captain America too.

JEREMY RENNER

And I used to think I was the only one in the programme.

RACHEL WEISZ

Then why do you think I kept calling you number five? Dumbass.

JEREMY RENNER

Oh no, the blue chems are wearing off! I'm already turning back into a moron! Where do we go for the treatment?

RACHEL WEISZ

Considering we haven't set foot outside the continental U.S. yet, we'll have to jet off to an exotic foreign locale. Saaaaay Manila?

JEREMY RENNER

Sure, Manila, why not.

In order to safely get on the PLANE, JEREMY does SOMETHING with a PASSPORT, a DISPOSABLE CAMERA and a bit of SILLY PUTTY. YOUR GUESS is as good as MINE.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NEW YORK

EDWARD is trying to track JEREMY and RACHEL and is being A REAL DICK about it.

STACY KEACH

Edward, chill out. These interludes are meant as a little breathing room from all the action scenes. You're not supposed to match their intensity.

EDWARD NORTON

What action? Jeremy and Rachel just spent the last half hour talking to each other. Where are they now?

STACY KEACH

They've just arrived in Manila where they're now trading knowing glances with each other.

EDWARD NORTON

See? I obviously need to ratchet up the tension here.

(clapping his hands)

COME ON, PEOPLE! CROSS-REFERENCE THAT WITH THE MANIFEST! PUT IT ON THE BIG SCREEN!

STACY KEACH

Now it appears they've bluffed their way into our secure research facility.

EDWARD NORTON

Fuck, it's not working. Alright, I'll just have to send another remorseless assassin after them. Activate Larx!

STACY KEACH

(scowls)

EDWARD NORTON

Don't worry, Larx agents are the best of the best. We trained them on a distant planet that has Predators on it.

EDWARD chooses LOUIS OZAWA CHANGCHIEN to go kill JEREMY and RACHEL.

INT. RESEARCH FACILITY - MANILA

RACHEL is getting ready to VIRAL OFF JEREMY.

RACHEL WEISZ

Okay, this should allow you to function without the need for chems.

JEREMY RENNER

How does that work?

RACHEL WEISZ

Genomic targeting retroviral engineering molecular chromosomes exogenous vector transfection.

JEREMY RENNER

Gotcha. Hurry up and do it, I can feel myself getting dumber by the minute. I think I just agreed to do a gritty reboot of Hansel and Gretel.

JEREMY is VIRALED OFF, which also makes him ILL. RACHEL takes him to a FLOPHOUSE to RECOVER.

INT. FLOPHOUSE - MANILA

JEREMY is BARECHESTED and SWEATING. LADIES.

JEREMY RENNER

So now what? We've got nothing left to run to now.

RACHEL WEISZ

Then I guess we'll need something to run from.

LOUIS OZAWA CHANGCHIEN shows up.

LOUIS OZAWA CHANGCHIEN

Time for a frantic chase! Let's hope some of the locals have conveniently left their vehicles unoccupied and still running.

JEREMY and RACHEL get on a MOTORCYCLE. LOUIS gets in a CAR, then on a MOTORCYCLE, then on ANOTHER MOTORCYCLE.

RACHEL WEISZ

Hang on, I'm going to kick him off his motorcycle!

JEREMY RENNER

No, don't do that! I need to have a lengthy hand-to-hand fight with him, as is customary in a Bourne movie!

RACHEL WEISZ

There's no time! This chase has been going on for fucking ever and we're already at a running time of two hours! We still need to get to the third act!

RACHEL kicks LOUIS off his MOTORCYCLE, which KILLS HIM. Meanwhile...

INT. SENATE HEARING - NEW YORK

TWO MORE CHARACTERS FROM THE PREVIOUS MOVIE are questioned about the TREADSTONE FALLOUT.

DAVID STRATHAIRN

It's all Joan Allen's fault.

(collects paycheck, leaves)

JOAN ALLEN

I literally have no comment.

(collects paycheck, leaves)

EXT. FISHING BOAT - MANILA

JEREMY and RACHEL are making their ESCAPE aboard a FISHING BOAT.

JEREMY RENNER

Any idea what we'll be getting ourselves into for the third act?

RACHEL WEISZ

Actually, I hear Moby coming on in the distance, so I think this is the actual ending.

JEREMY RENNER

You're shitting me. Well, what's the title of the next book in the series? We only need to pay lip service to it while completely ignoring the original canon it's actually referencing.

</p>

RACHEL WEISZ

The Bourne Betrayal, apparently.

JEREMY RENNER

I don't know. This movie already felt like enough of a Bourne betrayal to me.

END