FADE IN:

EXT. PORT ROYAL

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY is about to marry ORLANDO BLOOM. Suddenly, TOM HOLLANDER crashes the wedding and arrests them both.

TOM HOLLANDER

I'm a total douchebag, and I've arrested you both so that I have the power to demand you go get a special compass from Johnny Depp.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Rather than treat you like the villain you are and escape, I'll simply comply with your demand like a little bitch.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Bizarrely, I'll support this decision, despite the fact that the spitfire I played in the last film would never stand for it.

JONATHAN PRYCE

Even more bizarrely, I will actually be the one to want you to escape.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

And just to make things ultra ridiculous, I'll fight against that and elect instead to stay in jail until Orlando succeeds in being Tom Hollander's little gopher boy.

TOM HOLLANDER

I'm sorry, what's going on? I've been staring at Keira's cleavage for like 10 minutes.

Meanwhile...

INT. THE BLACK PEARL

JOHNNY DEPP appears after an actionless escape sequence that adds basically nothing to the movie except minutes.

KEVIN MCNALLY

The rest of the crew and I are sick of not getting any treasure. Also scurvy.

JOHNNY DEPP

I'm sorry we haven't gotten any treasure, but I've been too busy watching the first movie over and over trying to figure out how I played my character last time.

He is confronted by STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD.

STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD

Arrr. I'm Orlando Bloom's father, I work for Bill Nighy and I have a starfish on my face.

(incomprehensible backstory)

You now have the mark.

JOHNNY DEPP

Oh no, the mark! That means something that I would know if I understood anything you just said!

STELLAN vanishes, because one of the many powers of the starfish is teleportation.

EXT. CARIBBEAN

ORLANDO travels all around the Caribbean looking for JOHNNY. Somehow, this works, and he finds THE BLACK PEARL docked off the coast of some island. ORLANDO is captured by a bunch of CANNIBALS and imprisoned with JOHNNY'S CREW.

KEVIN MCNALLY

To fill you in, we docked here a while ago and we were captured by cannibals. The cannibals fell under the impression that Johnny was their God, because they are Ewoks. Unfortunately, this also means they want to eat him, and they coincidentally picked today to do so.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Wow, what a complex subplot. Seems like the sort of thing that either should have been filmed in its entirety rather than explained in back-exposition or cut altogether.

They ESCAPE by violating the laws of physics. Meanwhile, JOHNNY DEPP turns into WILE E. COYOTE for a little while and also escapes. Everyone gets off the island without gaining anything, making the entire subplot utterly superfluous.

Suddenly, BILL NIGHY and his team of humorous-looking fish pirates special effect their way onto the screen.

BILL NIGHY

We had a deal, Johnny Depp! Now you owe me your soul!

JOHNNY DEPP

Luckily for me, I'm well on my way to finding your buried chest, which contains your beating heart. With it, I can control you.

BILL NIGHY

Seems like the kind of thing you'd start looking to acquire earlier than 2 days before you have to become my slave.

JOHNNY DEPP

Well, why not take Orlando Bloom while I continue looking for three more days? Surely I'll be able to find it within 3 days, despite having not found it for years.

BILL takes ORLANDO, who then bonds awkwardly with his fish of a father. ORLANDO challenges BILL NIGHY to a game, wagering the key to the chest that JOHNNY is looking for.

BILL NIGHY

Hmm. 4 sixes. Should I put that in my "four of a kind" or my "sixes"... I don't want to miss my bonus.

ORLANDO BLOOM

1, 2, 3, 5, 6. FUCK! I guess I'll put it in my "chance".

BILL NIGHY

Ha! You lose, Orlando. And now you'll never get this key, which I keep right here under my tentacles at all times!

STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD

Why did you do that, Orlando? Now you have to be his slave!

ORLANDO BLOOM

Nah, it was all just a ploy to find out where he keeps the key that unlocks the chest.

STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD

Er, you mean you didn't just guess he kept it right where he does? I think it's pretty obvious he'd keep it on him, what with it being his only weakness.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Am I being lectured by a guy wearing a fucking starfish?

ORLANDO goes and takes the key while BILL is asleep, because BILL had no reason to suspect it might be stolen after he needlessly brandished it about during the game.

INT. SOME RANDOM BOAT

ORLANDO suddenly finds himself on a boat with a bunch of non pirates.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Er, how the hell did I get here?

Suddenly, the boat is attacked by CGI TENTACLES. Everyone on the ship is killed except ORLANDO, who makes his way back to BILL'S SHIP.

ORLANDO BLOOM

It's a good thing I just got a whole bunch of innocent sailors killed for absolutely no reason.

Suddenly, the ship dives into the water, which ORLANDO can survive, apparently.

Meanwhile...

EXT. SOME ISLAND

JOHNNY, KEIRA, and THAT ASSHOLE COMMODORE FROM THE LAST MOVIE find THE CHEST.

JOHNNY DEPP

We've found the buried chest!

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

We've also found a buried awkward romantic subplot that has no place in the film!

ASSHOLE COMMODORE

So why did we come after the chest, knowing full well that we can't open it without the key we don't have?

ORLANDO, apparently not dead, arrives.

ORLANDO BLOOM

I have the key, conveniently.

They fight over the chest. Then they fight some more. Then they fight on the sand. Then they fight on a castle. Then they fight on a wheel. Finally, they stop. ASSHOLE COMMODORE gets BILL'S HEART.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Oh no! We've failed to secure the heart, making the past two and a half hours totally unsatisfying!

JOHNNY DEPP

To make matters worse, the film is only half over, because it's a two parter, with the second part to be released next summer.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Really? How can a movie about a bunch of fucking pirates take itself this seriously?

JOHNNY DEPP

Hey, it worked for The Matrix.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Actually, no it didn't.

END SORT OF