FADE IN:

INT. TRACKING WHITE DOT OPENING

We open on some AWKWARD SCOTTISH GUY with a SILLY HAT walking through an INFINITE WHITE VOID and then shooting the CAMERA for some REASON. There’s no way THIS will ever be POPULAR and ICONIC.

INT. INTRO SEQUENCE

We then jump to COLORED DOTS and RAINBOW SILHOUETTES gyrating to JAMAICAN CALYPSO MUSIC and some BLIND GUYS appear out of the HAZE seriously WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE this was supposed to be a SPY MOVIE.

EVERYONE IN 1962

(stoned on enough acid and Quaaludes to kill Leonardo Dicaprio in WOLF OF WALL STREET)

Okay, FAIR ENOUGH.

EXT. JAMAICA

The three BLIND GUYS brush all the TRIPPY LAVA LAMP COLORS off their jackets and enter our reality. They go and find SECRET AGENT CHESTERFIELD TEA-CHUGGER the THIRD, who, like all GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES, is getting his DAY DRINK ON during a game of POKER.

CHESTERFIELD TEA-CHUGGER THE THIRD

Right-O, chaps. I’m off to drive home.

OTHER AGENTS

Bit soused, old boy?

CHESTERFIELD TEA-CHUGGER THE THIRD

Soused on the queen!

CHESTERFIELD stumbles towards his CAR and gets SHOT a bunch by the BLIND GUYS who either AREN’T BLIND or else got EXTREMELY LUCKY. They then go to his HOUSE and kill his SECRETARY and take a bunch of STUFF.

Meanwhile, we cut to a LONDON GAMBLING HALL for our iconic introduction to the LEGENDARY FILM HERO who will endure through TWENTY-FOUR MOVIES, about TEN of which are PRETTY GOOD.

AREOLA MONS PUBIS

(losing at cards)

Goodness, who is this handsome stranger winning my kid’s college fund off me? I simply must vagina him.

SEAN FUCKING CONNERY

The namesh Connery. Sean Connery.

WOMEN IN 1962

(ascend to orgasm heaven)

SEAN CONNERY

Yesh, it'sh me. The one who shtarted it all. Unlesh you count that weird TV movie where Jamesh Bond ish called Jimmy for some fucking reashon.

AREOLA MONS PUBIS

Well consider me seduced. Need a new caddy? Cuz I’m ready to hold your balls.

SEAN CONNERY

Shadly, I musht be off. Shpy businesh. But I’ll gladly show you my Shcottish countryshide at a later time.

SEAN goes to MI6 headquarters to get his BRIEFING from BASIL EXPOSITION.

M

Bond, we’d love it if you could remain sober long enough to go to Jamaica and find out why our agent there got got.

SEAN CONNERY

I’ll be gone in a moment. Jusht let me shexually ashault your shecretary firsht.

MONEYPENNY

(is cool with it because it’s Mad Men times)

SEAN CONNERY

Alright, I’m off. Let me jusht grab my exploding watch and ejector sheat car and-

M

Oh no, Q doesn’t show up for two more movies. There’s no gadgets yet.

SEAN CONNERY

Shweet Jeshush.

EXT. JAMAICAN AIRPORT

SEAN steps off the PLANE.

SEAN CONNERY

Ah, the firsht of many exshotic locationsh for Jamesh Bond, poshitively loushy with fuckable women and killable men. I wonder what my firsht challenge will be.

SUSPICIOUS DRIVER

Hello, Mr. Bond. Care for a ride in my assassination-mobile?

SEAN CONNERY

And sho beginsh Jamesh Bond’sh tradition of shtepping willingly into an obvioush trap.

The driver DRIVES SEAN around for a bit before pulling over to DO SOME KILLING.

SEAN CONNERY

Not sho fasht, ashhole. Handsh up. Who shent you?

DRIVER

Goodness, I’ve been caught! Time for us to fight like extras on Star Trek!

The two FLAIL at each other for a BIT.

SEAN CONNERY

Yesh, this wash back before movie shtarsh had to go through nine monthsh of Shpec Opsh training before they could do an action film. Anyway, you’re defeated, ya brigand. Tell me. Who do you work for?

DRIVER

Can I please have a cyanide first?

SEAN CONNERY

A what now?

DRIVER

Cigarette! Sorry! I’m such a marble-mouth.

The driver eats a CYANIDE PILL hidden in his CIGARETTES and INSTANTLY DIES.

SEAN CONNERY

Damn. I shuck.

SEAN goes to talk to the OLD BRITISH GUYS who last saw the AGENT alive.

OLD GUY

Well, he was a right-good card player and his secretary had a great ass. That’s about all we know about the old boy.

SEAN CONNERY

Great ash, you shay? Pity.

OLD GUY

Oh, and he also fished with some random local yokel now and then.

SEAN CONNERY

Naturally this ish the clue I musht follow.

He walks out of the office to find the SECRETARY, ZENA MARSHALL, has been listening in.

SEAN CONNERY

That’sh shushpishoush ash fuck. But more importantly, I’d like to make shex with you.

ZENA MARSHALL

Come to my place sometime. Please, don’t bring any weaponry or tell anyone you’re coming.

SEAN CONNERY

Will do.

EXT. DOCKS

SEAN goes and finds charter fisherman JOHN KITSMILLER.

SEAN CONNERY

Greetingsh, friend. Care to tell me who killed that shecret agent you used to fish with?

JOHN KITSMILLER

I ain’t got no idea who you talking about. Now if you’ll excuse me.

SEAN CONNERY

(follows him like a suspicious-ass creeper)

JOHN KITSMILLER

Alright, awkward fight scene it is.

They play TWISTER for a bit until JACK LORD shows up.

JACK LORD

Alright, enough of that now, you’re all embarrassing yourselves. I’m Felix Leiter, your CIA contact. John’s my bud. I probably should have mentioned this earlier before you two tried to kill each other.

SEAN CONNERY

A phone call might have been prudent, yesh. What ya got for me?

JACK LORD

Well, me and John here have been investigating radio signals in the area. Someone’s been fucking with American rocket signals, we’ve got to figure out why.

SEAN CONNERY

Hmm, where have you inveshtigated?

JOHN KITSMILLER

Oh, just about everywhere. We went and checked Beauty Bay, Gorgeous Falls, the Straight of Blowjobs, Happytown. Just about everywhere, except for Cape Murder that is.

SEAN CONNERY

Wait a shecond. Cape Murder? What goesh on there?

JOHN KITSMILLER

Oh, we don’t go nowhere near that place. It’s cursed!

SEAN CONNERY

I shee. So you shtopped your inveshtigation in the one place that actually needed inveshtigating?

JACK LORD

Pretty much, yeah. The CIA has a firm policy in place: always respect local superstitions.

SEAN CONNERY

(sighs)

Fucking yanksh.

SEAN goes to see ANOTHER of the DEAD AGENT’s contacts, ANTHONY DAWSON.

SEAN CONNERY

Sho, could you pleashe tell me what you were doing with my deceased companion?

ANTHONY DAWSON

Checkin’ rocks.

SEAN CONNERY

Checkin’ rocksh?

ANTHONY DAWSON

Yup.

SEAN CONNERY

That’sh all?

ANTHONY DAWSON

Mmhm.

SEAN CONNERY

Anything intereshting about those rocksh?

ANTHONY DAWSON

Nope.

SEAN CONNERY

No intereshting rocksh you checked?

ANTHONY DAWSON

No interesting rocks.

SEAN CONNERY

Alright then.

ANTHONY DAWSON

Bye.

As soon as SEAN leaves, ANTHONY immediately boats over to CAPE MURDER to have a meeting with his EVIL BOSS’S DISEMBODIED VOICE.

EVIL VOICE

You have displeased me. I asked you to kill Sean when he got off the plane, instead you told him about rock checking.

ANTHONY DAWSON

My deepest apologies, oh master.

EVIL VOICE

You must kill Sean. Do so.

ANTHONY DAWSON

Yes, master. Killing a British federal agent will no doubt alleviate any suspicions about our activities here. I’ll just go get a sniper rifle and-

EVIL VOICE

No. Use this tarantula.

ANTHONY DAWSON

Uh, not to question your wisdom, oh master, but there has never been one recorded death from a tarantula bite in all of human history.

EVIL VOICE

Ugh, it’s a magic tarantula, alright? It can kill instantly with one bite. Oh, it’s also, uh, trained or something, so it’ll attack a human many hundreds of times larger than itself instead of any random mice or floor bugs it might find in Sean’s house.

ANTHONY DAWSON

A flawless plan, my lord. But, um, are you sure you don’t want to give me a bomb or-

EVIL VOICE

Begone!

That night, ANTHONY sneaks over to SEAN’s place and slips the TARANTULA into his room.

SEAN CONNERY

(shivering awake)

Fucking DT’s. Ugh, where’sh my flashk? OH SHIT!

The TARANTULA has crawled up his STUNT DOUBLE’S ARM!

SEAN CONNERY

Musht. Remain. Perfectly. Shtill.

(pause)

SHOE ATTACK!

Using his amazing SPY POWERS, SEAN freaks the FUCK OUT and smashes the TARANTULA with a SHOE.

SEAN CONNERY

Another fiendish death trap avoided!

INT. ZENA'S PLACE

The next day, SEAN goes to ZENA’s place and almost gets ASSASSINATED AGAIN on the WAY but it turns out the ASSASSINS are CRAPPY DRIVERS and they fall off a CLIFF so he gets AWAY FINE.

ZENA MARSHALL

Holy shit you’re still alive!

SEAN CONNERY

Shuprised?

ZENA MARSHALL

Surprised no why would I be surprised there’s nothing surprising about the fact that you showed up to my place after I invited you to my place and you almost got killed on the way but you apparently didn’t so it’s all good wanna bang let’s bang.

SEAN CONNERY

“Fucking” ish my middle name, after all.

They bang for a bit.

SEAN CONNERY

Well, thish hash been lovely, but I think it’sh time I did my job.

(summons a car full of agents to take ZENA away)

It’sh been fun, dear. Shee you never.

ZENA MARSHALL

(is tossed in the trash like a used tissue)

SEAN CONNERY

Another problem sholved.

SEAN arranges some PILLOWS under the COVERS so they look like HIM SLEEPING. He waits for a bit, until ANTHONY shows up.

ANTHONY DAWSON

Fuck it, I don’t care what Evil Voice says, I’m just shooting the bastard.

(sees bed)

Pfft, what an obvious ruse. Those are clearly pillows and –

(checks calendar)

Oh wait, it’s 1962. This trope isn’t played to hell yet. Oh well.

(empties his entire magazine into the pillows)

SEAN CONNERY

Not sho fasht, Anthony. Drop your empty gun and keep your handsh where I can shee them. I knew you were a bad guy when I found out the rocksh you were checking were radioactive but you weren’t telling anyone. Now, who are you working for?

ANTHONY DAWSON

Well, you might as well know, since you’ll be dead soon. I’m working for-

(tries to shoot SEAN, but his gun is empty)

Haha, oh my, what a silly joke I just made! No, seriously, I’m working for-

(tries to light SEAN on fire, but his matches are wet)

Oh my, what a silly prank! But anyway, my boss’s name is-

(tries to drop a piano on SEAN, but he only has a ukulele)

Well, this is awkward. I suppose I better tell you, my boss’s name is-

SEAN CONNERY

(pops him)

On the one hand, he probably had valuable intel. On the other hand, brutally killing people givesh me a hard-on.

INT. BOAT

SEAN and JOHN go on a late night BOAT EXPEDITION towards Cape Murder.

JOHN KITSMILLER

I got a baaaad feeling about this, Sean. Scuttlebutt is there’s some kinda dragon round this area. And black sidekicks ain’t got a great life expectancy as it is.

SEAN CONNERY

I’m sure you’ll be fine.

They camp out for the night. In the morning, SEAN awakens to find a BIKINI-CLAD URSULA ANDRESS emerging from the water.

MEN IN 1962

(jizz so hard bone marrow comes out)

SEAN CONNERY

Very nishe indeed. How much?

URSULA ANDRESS

Wha- I’m a shell-diver, asshole.

SEAN CONNERY

Sho why are you wearing a proshtitute’sh underwear?

URSULA ANDRESS

It’s called a bikini, you Wookie motherfucker. In the next fifty years, fashion designers will be engaged in an arms race to make this thing out of as little material as possible.

SEAN CONNERY

Well, we shimply musht bang at some point.

URSULA ANDRESS

That’s fair. But first, BOAT!

Sure enough, a PATROL BOAT comes along. The gang HIDES!

BOAT GUARD

Alright, come on out, or we’ll fire randomly into the beach and forest!

(pause)

Fuck that beach up!

They shoot at some SAND for a while, then GIVE UP and leave. The TRIO camp out until the night when a FLAMETHROWING TANK APPEARS, with some GOOFY FAKE TEETH painted on.

SEAN CONNERY

Wha? That’sh your dragon? That fucking thing couldn’t fool Shcooby-Doo if he were tripping on shroomsh.

The TANK THING starts approaching JOHN at the speed of a DRUGGED TORTOISE driving a GOLF CART in a SCHOOL ZONE.

JOHN KITSMILLER

DRAGON! DRAGON MURDER!! AHHHHHH!

SEAN CONNERY

Sherioushly, John. Jusht fucking move.

JOHN KITSMILLER

Must shoot dragon! Must kill dragon with my tiny bullets!

SEAN CONNERY

Run away, John. Run away from the dragon.

JOHN KITSMILLER

Its flames approach me!

(pause)

This is the end!

(pause)

Goodbye cruel world!

After a few more hours, JOHN finally burns to DEATH!

SEAN CONNERY

Goodnight, shweet prince.

SEAN and URSULA are CAPTURED!

INT. EVIL LAIR

SEAN and URSULA are given fancy new CLOTHES and are shoved into a DINING ROOM.

SEAN CONNERY

Well thish ish completely ridiculoush. Why on earth would the bad guy feed ush before he killsh ush?

JOSEPH WISEMAN

You shall be receiving many fine meals from psychopaths through the years, Mr. Connery. Let’s try to make your first Dinner with the Bad Guy memorable. Please, sit.

SEAN CONNERY

And who are you shupposhed to be?

JOSEPH WISEMAN

Dr. No, at your service. I was the child of a German missionary and a Chinese girl, I worked for the Chinese mafia for years before-

URSULA ANDRESS

(snickering)

JOSEPH WISEMAN

What’s so funny?

URSULA ANDRESS

Sorry, I’m getting serious Doctor Evil flashbacks right now. This movie’s impossible to take seriously after you’ve seen Austin Powers.

JOSEPH WISEMAN

That’s it, no more lines for you.

URSULA ANDRESS

(gets tied to some train tracks somewhere)

JOSEPH WISEMAN

Now we can talk in peace.

SEAN CONNERY

Yesh, for inshtance, you can tell me what the hell your endgame is here, you weird scarecrow in yellowface you.

JOSEPH WISEMAN

Well it’s quite simple. I’ve been fucking with American rockets because reasons. I also study radiation, which cost me the hands that I’ve since replaced with these Zoidberg pinchers, because lab safety is for pussies. These skills have made me uniquely valuable to the organization known as SPECTRE.

SEAN CONNERY

ShPECTRE?

JOSEPH WISEMEN

Yes, it’s a much spookier name than that SMERSH organization from the book. SPECTRE is the world’s greatest criminal organization. It controls all the world’s crime, and will someday pay Dave Bautista to punch you. Now, return to your cell. Do not try to escape. Especially not through the man-sized vent.

INT. CELL

SEAN mopes in his CELL.

SEAN CONNERY

Well, I shupposhe I could eshcape through that vent up there. But that’sh ridiculoush, there’sh no way I could poshibly-

(checks calendar)

Right. It’sh old timesh right now. Yet another trope unshpoiled by hack writing.

SEAN crawls through the VENT, which suddenly becomes very HOT!

SEAN CONNERY

Wait, why the hell ish this air vent getting extremely hot right now? That makesh no-

(suddenly blasted by water)

Okay, that’sh even shillier, unlesh the water wash shupposhed to drown me in my-

(suddenly covered in bees)

Well thish ish a very ridiculoush vent, I musht shay. There’sh no reashon for-

(suddenly chased by coyotes)

Thish ish jusht fucking bizarre. I’m not even shurprished anymore. Oh look, an exit.

SEAN knocks out the first GUARD he sees and takes his COSTUME.

SEAN CONNERY

And now for my epic climaxsh!

(pause)

Heh.

SEAN runs around the base, FUCKING WITH LEVERS AND KNOBS AND SHIT.

JOSEPH WISEMAN

Stop that!

SEAN CONNERY

No!

JOSEPH WISEMAN

You better!

SEAN CONNERY

(blows raspberry)

The BASE suddenly decides to EXPLODE eventually!

JOSEPH WISEMAN

That’s it, I’m coming down there!

JOSEPH attacks SEAN by waving his ROBOT CLAW HANDS at him! They tumble onto some… PLATFORM THING that’s about to descend into some… RANDOMLY BOILING WATER!

SEAN CONNERY

And now for my trademark wit! Uhhh… boil… water… nice to… uhhhh… SUCK IT, TREBEK!

JOSEPH boils to death! SEAN runs around the base like a DRUNK IDIOT until he finds URSULA and they ESCAPE!

URSULA ANDRESS

What a thrilling and original first adventure for James Bond!

SEAN CONNERY

Yesh. Now we jusht have to do the shame fucking thing a few dozen times and then get really ironic and gloomy and posht-modern about it all becaushe who wantsh a fun shpy adventure when you can have grim, “realishtic” moviesh that examine the conshequencesh of Bond’sh actionsh.

URSULA ANDRESS

And I’m sure you and I will be having many grand adventures together.

SEAN CONNERY

Let’sh jusht shtick to boat shex for now, babe.

They BOAT FUCK.

END.