The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL ROOM
SAM WORTHINGTON opens the window and climbs out on to a LEDGE.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Strewth mate, I've only just had me dingo's brekkie and already I feel like I'm gonna chunder.
INT. FLASHBACK: SING SING PRISON VISITING ROOM
SAM is visited by ANTHONY MACKIE.
ANTHONY MACKIE
Don't worry, partner, I'm still looking for the evidence that will get you out of this joint, and I'm completely competent at my job. Oh, I should also mention your dad's dying.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Crikey, me old man's about to cark it? Holy dooley!
ANTHONY MACKIE
Where are you supposed to be from again?
SAM WORTHINGTON
I'm from old Boston town, cobber.
ANTHONY MACKIE
(sighing)
That accent is going to get old quickly.
It already HAS.
EXT. FLASHBACK: CEMETERY
SAM and his brother JAMIE BELL attend their father's funeral. SAM is being watched by INCOMPETENT GUARDS.
JAMIE BELL
You know what this occasion is missing? An old-fashioned family brawl.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Too right mate, that's how we do it in Oz! I mean, Boston.
They BRAWL. As the INCOMPETENT GUARDS try to intervene, SAM easily incapacitates them and spots an SUV.
SAM WORTHINGTON
What a bonza chance for a rip-snorter of a car chase!
SAM steals the SUV and leads the cops through a CAR CHASE. It is more WORKMANLIKE than RIP-SNORTER.
EXT. LEDGE
Police negotiator ED BURNS arrives on the scene.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Listen fella, I'm going to need a perfunctory love interest. For some not-at-all suspicious reason, it has to be Elizabeth Banks.
ED BURNS
OK, but I'm not happy about it as I distrust her. This will only give her extra motivation to prove herself; however if she can do that, she may earn my begrudging respect. Hey, sounds like a neat idea for a subplot!
Meanwhile at ground level, the cops are setting up an AIR MATTRESS and questioning the concierge, WILLIAM SADLER.
WILLIAM SADLER
There's inevitably more to my seemingly unimportant words and actions than meets the eye. But let's pretend we don't all know that.
(winks)
EXT. LEDGE
Second police negotiator ELIZABETH BANKS arrives to greet SAM.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Throw another shrimp on the barbie love, I'm about to lead you through a merry game that relies on me predicting with pinpoint accuracy when you'll make each of a series of discoveries about my past.
ELIZABETH BANKS
I should probably be more suspicious about this.
SAM WORTHINGTON
And get me a sanger while you're at it.
INT. POLICE OFFICE
ANTHONY MACKIE is searching for EVIDENCE with some RANDOM COPS.
ANTHONY MACKIE
Hey, why don't we pull Sam's family's financial statements? Maybe that will uncover some evidence.
RANDOM COP
Isn't that basically the very first thing you should have thought of doing?
ANTHONY MACKIE
I hope you're not implying that the only black detective in the city is incompetent at his job.
INT. ED HARRIS' OFFICE
ED HARRIS is presented with a watch by a RANDOM LACKEY.
RANDOM LACKEY
I trust this absurdly expensive watch will placate your equally absurd explosive temper.
ED HARRIS
Not a chance! Rage face!
(smashes the watch)
Now excuse me while I chew on this delicious scenery.
ED is thusly established as the primary ANTAGONIST.
EXT. ROOF OF THE JEWELLERY EXCHANGE ACROSS THE STREET
JAMIE and his girlfriend GENESIS RODRIGUEZ are preparing to break into the building.
JAMIE BELL
So, let's recap. We'll use explosives to a blow a hole through the roof, in broad daylight, in the middle of one of the busiest cities in the world. Meanwhile, my brother has helped us by masterfully organising the presence of a huge crowd literally across the street and news helicopters circling the block.
GENESIS RODRIGUEZ
Well, we have been planning this for a year. That's definitely the best we could have come up with.
JAMIE plants the charges and signals to SAM via walkie talkie. SAM fakes out the crowd with a jump from the ledge as JAMIE blows the charges. Somehow the explosion goes UNNOTICED.
SAM WORTHINGTON
(over his hidden microphone)
Strewth, that was close. It's no fun pretending to be a jumper!
JAMIE BELL
You're telling me.
INT. JEWELLERY EXCHANGE
JAMIE and GENESIS are heading towards the vault. They come across a lengthy hallway under CCTV surveillance.
JAMIE BELL
So, I thought we'd drape ourselves in blankets and just skateboard down there in full view of the camera.
This actually HAPPENS.
JAMIE BELL
To bypass this next camera, I'm going to take a Polaroid of the room and sticky-tape it onto the lens.
Again, this actually HAPPENS.
GENESIS RODRIGUEZ
PLANNING THIS FOR A YEAR.
They come across a newly-installed SENSOR of some kind. JAMIE radios SAM for advice.
EXT. LEDGE
SAM breaks from conversation with ELIZABETH.
SAM WORTHINGTON
(over his microphone)
From your vague and inarticulate description, I'm 100% confident it's a thermal sensor. I'm an expert or something.
ELIZABETH BANKS
I should probably be more suspicious about this.
ELIZABETH returns to the hotel room to review the case.
ELIZABETH BANKS
So, it seems Sam was a cop who went to jail for stealing Ed Harris' MacGuffin diamond from that jewellery exchange - the very same Ed Harris whose offices are in this hotel? Once again, I should probably be more suspicious about this.
Recognising the need for a lazy chunk of EXPOSITION, ELIZABETH returns to the ledge.
ELIZABETH BANKS
Could you help me out with a lazy chunk of exposition?
SAM WORTHINGTON
Fair dinkum, Sheila, I'll give it a burl.
ELIZABETH BANKS
Seriously, this is barely convincing as English, let alone as an American accent.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Oh, alright. Well, it turns out that Ed Harris framed me for stealing his MacGuffin diamond so he could collect on the insurance, and this is all part of my incoherently elaborate plan to prove my innocence.
ELIZABETH BANKS
So, how are you going to prove you didn't steal the diamond?
SAM WORTHINGTON
By stealing the diamond.
A TUMBLEWEED blows along the ledge.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Oh, and you should know Ed employs two dirty cops.
ELIZABETH BANKS
Dirty cops, you say? I'm finally suspicious enough to do some actual investigation.
INT. JEWELLERY VAULT
JAMIE and GENESIS break into the vault and root through the VALUABLES. The MacGuffin diamond is missing.
JAMIE BELL
Time to improvise. I have a feeling the brief remainder of our heist will rely entirely on coincidence, yet still come across as more professional than the rest of this ludicrous charade.
EXT. LEDGE
ANTHONY MACKIE arrives with EVIDENCE of something.
ANTHONY MACKIE
Look Sam, I have evidence of some stuff! It's completely unrelated to the incriminating files I recently discovered you had on me! Ignore the wildly suspicious fact that I just locked all the cops out, and come inside.
Suddenly a SWAT team rappels down the building.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Not on your nelly, chum!
SAM makes his crafty escape by entering the hotel through a DIFFERENT WINDOW.
INT. ED HARRIS' OFFICE
ED enters with the MacGuffin diamond, only to find JAMIE and GENESIS waiting with guns drawn.
ED HARRIS
Curses, if only I hadn't just inexplicably decided this million-dollar diamond would be secure in my coat pocket, instead of the fortified hidden safe that no one knew about!
GENESIS RODRIGUEZ
So, what now? I guess we alert the authorities and prove that Ed has perpetrated a massive insurance fraud?
JAMIE BELL
Don't be ridiculous. Sam went to prison for stealing the diamond even though he didn't actually steal the diamond, so now we need to ACTUALLY steal the diamond, so Sam can use the stolen diamond as proof the diamond wasn't stolen.
GENESIS RODRIGUEZ
That is some goddamn flawless logic.
JAMIE and GENESIS escape, passing the diamond to the concierge, WILLIAM SADLER, who heads to the kitchen and gives the diamond to SAM.
WILLIAM SADLER
(winks and mugs for the camera)
INT. HOTEL
ELIZABETH is on the phone to INTERNAL AFFAIRS.
ELIZABETH BANKS
So, even though you openly admit you have absolutely no proof, is there anyone you arbitrarily suspect might be involved in all of this?
RANDOM INTERNAL AFFAIRS AGENT
That depends. Is there a black guy with any dialogue?
ELIZABETH BANKS
Just Anthony Mackie.
RANDOM INTERNAL AFFAIRS AGENT
Yeah, it was him. And, let's say, Titus Welliver too.
EXT. HOTEL ROOF
Dity cop TITUS WELLIVER has captured JAMIE and GENESIS, and is engaging in an anti-climactic face-off with SAM. ED HARRIS arrives.
ED HARRIS
I'll take that diamond back. Yoink! Now someone shoot someone.
As ED leaves the scene, ANTHONY and ELIZABETH make it to the roof. ANTHONY shoots TITUS. TITUS shoots ANTHONY. ELIZABETH shoots TITUS properly.
TITUS WELLIVER
Well, that about justifies today's paycheck.
(dies)
ANTHONY MACKIE
Okay, so I'm a criminal, a fraudster, a terrible friend, incompetent at my job, and now I've been shot. At least afford me the dignity of a conclusive final scene.
SAM WORTHINGTON
No chance. Hooroo!
SAM spots ED HARRIS leaving the building, and makes a running leap off the roof onto the AIR MATTRESS. He recovers in SECONDS and catches up with ED, in front of a crowd of BYSTANDERS and COPS.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Crikey blokes, look, Ed Harris had the MacGuffin diamond all along! This proves my innocence. Now let me just assault him in full view of everyone.
EVERY SINGLE COP IN ATTENDANCE
We're going to allow this.
CROWD OF BYSTANDERS
Wait, that doesn't prove anything. As far as we know, you DID originally steal the diamond, and just had it with you all along.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Nope!
CROWD OF BYSTANDERS
Well, that's us convinced. Huzzah!
INT. A COP BAR
SAM has been released from prison, because the courts apparently have NO FUCKS to give about the massive CRIME SPREE he orchestrated. SAM, ELIZABETH, JAMIE, GENESIS and a bunch of COPS are making merry.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Elizabeth, let me introduce you to my dad, who's not dead after all. Cunning as a dunny rat, he is.
WILLIAM SADLER
Surprise! It was me all along! I totally had you fooled, right?
ELIZABETH BANKS
Not even slightly.
JAMIE gets down on one knee and produces a RING.
JAMIE BELL
Genesis, will you do me the honour of brazenly flaunting this evidence of the high-profile armed robbery we just committed?
GENESIS RODRIGUEZ
Of course! I mean, it's not like we're surrounded by a load of cops who should be itching to arrest us for that.
Dozens of COPS all conveniently look the other WAY.
END