FADE IN:

EXT. GENERIC DUSTY WESTERN SET

Cue: Bad 80's movie soundtrack

DIRECTOR JOHN CARPENTER

I'm a failed musician, you know. I wrote the soundtrack. It sounds just like my soundtrack to Big Trouble In Little China, which I also directed back in the 80's. The protagonist's name in both movies is "Jack", for some reason. Back then I used Kurt Russell a lot and my movies didn't suck quite as much, but my soundtracks still sounded like I'd failed an audition to join ZZ Top.

JAMES WOODS

I can't believe I'm in this movie. My career must be over.

DANIEL BALDWIN

Hi, I'm the *fat* Baldwin brother. I look like Elvis circa 1975.

JAMES WOODS

Let's kick some vampire ass.

INT. DARK CRUMBLING HOUSE

JAMES WOODS

You see, boys, you can forget that pansy Anne Rice shit. Real vampires are really fuckin' ugly. They're even uglier when we drag them out into the sunlight with our patented harpoon/trailer hitch technique and they explode. We keep the skulls and use them as hood ornaments.

JOHN CARPENTER

I think I'll do some really trite fading between different vampire-death shots now so that I can use more of the soundtrack that I wrote.

ASSORTED VAMPIRE HUNTERS

Wow. We killed a lot of ugly vampires. It's Miller time.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

There is a party going on.

ASSORTED VAMPIRE HUNTERS

We deserve beer and hookers for killing vampires. Bring it on!

SHERYL LEE

Hi, I was in Twin Peaks, remember? I play one of the hookers. This movie is my big comeback.

(pause)

Oh, fuck.

EXT. OUTSIDE HOTEL

THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH

I am the uber-vampire. I kind of look like Trent Reznor, only taller. Hmm, SHERYL LEE'S thighs look tasty, I will bite one in a way that suggests I'm actually going down on her, rather than biting her in the more traditional neck location. This is the 90's, after all, regardless of the soundtrack.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

UBER-VAMPIRE crashes the party and kills just about everyone except JAMES WOODS and DANIEL BALDWIN. Oh, and SHERYL LEE who is now INFECTED with the VAMPIRE VIRUS.

EXT. OUTSIDE HOTEL

JAMES WOODS, DANIEL BALDWIN, and SHERYL LEE flee in a pickup truck or something.

SHERYL LEE

(pointless dialogue)

DANIEL BALDWIN

Shut up, you stupid bitch.

DANIEL BALDWIN bitch-slaps SHERYL LEE.

EXT. GENERIC WESTERN SET, DAYTIME

TIM GUINEE

I am here to help tie this all in to some stupid plot involving the Catholic Church. I play a priest. I kind of look like Fisher Stevens, only not Indian.

JAMES WOODS beats the crap out of TIM GUINEE to demonstrate that he's in charge here, even though they both work for the same secret anti-vampire branch of the Catholic Church.

JAMES WOODS

Did that give you wood, father?

TIM GUINEE

Huh?

AUDIENCE

Why did James Woods ask the priest if he had an erection after he beat him up?

JOHN CARPENTER

It makes him look like a badass or something.

AUDIENCE

Whatever.

INT. ANOTHER HOTEL ROOM

For reasons completely gratuitous, DANIEL BALDWIN has SHERYL LEE tied up naked on a bed. Now that we've seen her ass, he unties her and lets her have her clothes back.

SHERYL LEE

(pointless dialogue)

DANIEL BALDWIN

Shut up, you stupid bitch.

DANIEL BALDWIN bitch-slaps SHERYL LEE.

SHERYL LEE, understandably, bites DANIEL BALDWIN and infects him with the VAMPIRE VIRUS.

DANIEL BALDWIN

You stupid bitch!

DANIEL BALDWIN bitch-slaps SHERYL LEE.

EXT. GENERIC WESTERN SET, NIGHTTIME

JAMES WOODS

Time to wrap this puppy up. Who's got the script? Screw it, I'll just wing it. Remember how good I was in True Believer?

MAXIMILLIAN SCHELL

I, too, was once a good actor. Now I am playing a Cardinal of the Catholic Church or something in this piece of crap. Which is why I've made a complicated deal with UBER-VAMPIRE to become a vampire too. For some reason this means that you, specifically, must die.

JAMES WOODS

You seem to have forgotten that I am a badass. Can't you tell by my tight black jeans and the way I keep asking that priest if he has a hard-on?

AUDIENCE

Whatever. Is it over yet?

DANIEL BALDWIN

Hey buddy, I'll save you, even though that stupid bitch Sheryl Lee just drained two-thirds of the blood from my body.

JAMES WOODS

Yes! I told you I was a badass! Does that give you wood, father?

TIM GUINEE

Huh?

AUDIENCE

Please kill me now.

Good triumphs over evil. MAXIMILLIAN SCHELL dies. UBER VAMPIRE dies.

CUE: Bad 80's movie soundtrack written by DIRECTOR JOHN CARPENTER

EXT. GENERIC WESTERN SET, DAYTIME

JAMES WOODS

So, you and that stupid bitch are going to Mexico in that U-Haul to make little vampire babies? I guess I'll let you go then and kill you later after you've made more things for me to kill.

This appears very NOBLE, even though it's actually just STUPID.

DANIEL BALDWIN

That's right. I love her.

SHERYL LEE

(pointless dialogue)

DANIEL BALDWIN

Shut up, you stupid bitch.

DANIEL BALDWIN bitch-slaps SHERYL LEE.

END