"Is that a batarang in your pocket or... no, I'm pretty sure that's an erection. Definitely an erection."

BATMAN RETURNS

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. PEEWEE’S PLAYHOUSE - 33 YEARS AGO

PAUL REUBENS and DIANE SALINGER give birth to BABY DANNY DEVITO who has FLIPPERS.

PAUL REUBENS

We’re wealthy socialites, we could easily get little Danny some plastic surgery and a personal trainer and he’d be fine.

DIANE SALINGER

Or we could late-term abort him by dumping his ass in the sewer.

This HAPPENS.

BABY DANNY DEVITO

Oh well, at least my origin story didn’t involve getting dunked in a bucket of green puke like some clown asshole.

(is Penguin-fied)

INT. GOTHAM CITY - PRESENT DAY

Evil businessman CHRISTOPHER WALKEN hosts a Christmas tree lighting ceremony when DANNY’s gang of CIRCUS FREAKS attack.

BAT-KEATON

This riot is the perfect excuse for me to set someone on fire with the exhaust from the Batmobile because I am a psychopath.

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

Thanks for rescuing me Bat-Keaton, as I am a defenseless mousey damsel. You can tell by my oversized glasses and nerdy librarian hairstyle. Now I’ll steal this taser from my assailant, which is the only thing I do that even remotely ties into Catwoman’s origins as a master thief.

BAT-KEATON

While I’ve been standing here listening to you yammer on Danny’s gang just killed a dozen people.

(leaves)

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

If you don’t want my number you could have just said so asshole!

DANNY’s gang abduct CHRISTOPHER.

INT. DANNY’S SEWER LAIR

DANNY DEVITO

Chris, I know you’re a murdering bastard like me because you flushed a severed hand down the toilet? Is that correct? Help me to fake-rescue the mayor’s baby which will turn me into a hero.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

You mean you want me to endanger the life of a helpless infant in order to save my own skin? OF COURSE I WILL!

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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