FADE IN:

EXT. CITY

ALAN ALDA does a bunch of rich things while elsewhere, BEN STILLER does equivalent things that are not rich.

BEN STILLER

And now that it's established beyond any doubt that I'm the hero of the piece, we can begin!

INT. TOWER

BEN STILLER arrives at his BUILDING MANAGER JOB and gathers his STAFF.

BEN STILLER

Listen up everyone. I've decided to attempt a serious-cool heist movie using goofy, unserious characters, sort of like if Dark Knight had used the characters from Mystery Men. Call it a Heist-Thriller-Social-Issues-Dramedy. And to let everyone know I'm really committed to this, I've been made up to look 75 years old.

ALAN ALDA

(arriving)

I am your richest, evilest tenant, this is a true thing that I know.

Suddenly ALAN ALDA is KIDNAPPED by a SPEEDING VAN! BEN STILLER runs after it going EQUALLY FAST because now it's an ACTION-heist-thriller-social-issues-dramedy. But TEA LEONI and the FBI get to the VAN first and ARREST ALAN!

TEA LEONI

Sorry Ben, but Alan has done evil rich things, and you and the staff have no money now.

BEN STILLER

Oh. But you saw how fast I was running, right? I totally have action cred now, right?

INT. SUBWAY

BUILDING DOORMAN STEPHEN HENDERSON is waiting for a train.

STEPHEN HENDERSON

My life's savings: gone. My pension: wiped out. My future holds only misery and despair. I see no option but to slowly walk to the edge of the subway platform, and jump.

BEN STILLER

That's so wacky! And also fucking depressing. Depressiwacky?

INT. ALAN ALDA'S TOP-FLOOR SWANKY CONDO

ALAN ALDA and his VINTAGE FERRARI are put under HOUSE ARREST.

BEN STILLER

I've come to plead on behalf of Stephen Henderson.

ALAN ALDA

Listen, SON, I only have TWO dimensions, namely "Evil" and "Rich". And even if I weren't made entirely of straw, I am such a placeholder non-character that this is my last line of dialogue. So I can't help you.

BEN STILLER

That's okay, because by "plead" I really meant "vent my rage", and by "behalf of Stephen Henderson" I meant "your stupid fucking car". But the "on" part was accurate.

BEN smashes up ALAN'S FERRARI with a GOLF CLUB, while being VERY CAREFUL to hit it only in the FEW, EXACT SPOTS that won't spoil the BIG TWIST later on. JUDD HIRSH then fires BEN, thus making his ONLY CONTRIBUTION to the movie.

INT. BAR

BEN STILLER is drowning his sorrows.

BEN STILLER

What a rough turn of events. But now I can gain the audience's respect by demonstrating my character's resourcefulness and cunning...

TEA LEONI

(arriving)

Hey there Ben. Let's get drunk and I'll spill a fuckoad of totally confidential information to you, why the hell not? Oops, I dropped the file folder where I drew up a perfect plan to get back at Alan Alda.

(vomits)

BLRRRRFFF

(passes out)

BEN STILLER

Or that could happen.

INT. BEN'S HOUSE

BEN recruits CASEY AFFLECK, MICHAEL PENA, and MATTHEW BRODERICK.

MICHAEL PENA

I know you need me for the ethnicity, but why are they here?

CASEY AFFLECK

My role is to be in on the plan, then turn evil and go against the plan, then come back on board, and at no point affect the course of events in any way whatsoever.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

That's exactly like my role, but I don't do the switching allegiances part.

BEN STILLER

Hm, I feel we're still missing something.

BEN bails out EDDIE MURPHY and suddenly UNIVERSAL STUDIO'S CHRISTMAS PARTY becomes an INFORMAL PIZZA LUNCH.

EDDIE MURPHY

(inhaling gigantic stack of money)

ITALKLOUDANDFAST! WHAT'STHEDEALHONKY?!

BEN STILLER

Because our horrible boss was horrible to us, we need your help as a streetwise African-American criminal to take horrible revenge. Also we need to make the audience overlook the fact that this is the exact same premise as Horrible Bosses, which came out like two weeks before this did.

EDDIE MURPHY

Okay. But to prove I can trust you, give me an hour alone with your wallets.

They DO this because they are FUCKING MORONS. Out of pity, EDDIE decides to just steal all their CASH and not their IDENTITIES.

INT. BEN'S HOUSE - THE NEXT DAY

BEN STILLER

I realized that we forgot to have even a remotely plausible reason how we could steal anything more secure than a Salvation Army kettle, so now one of the hotel employees is a master safecracker.

MICHAEL PENA

Man, if this screenplay were any lazier it would be [insert name of hated idle rich celebrity]. So who's playing the magically convenient plot device?

GABOUREY SIDIBE

Hi everybody! I just wanted to do something as far removed from "Precious" as possible, apparently both in tone AND quality.

GABOUREY and EDDIE practice some safecracking.

GABOUREY SIDIBE

Hey Eddie. Seems that my character's totally hot for your character.

EDDIE MURPHY

And my character seems into it. So I guess this subplot will appear at least once more ever again?

It DOES NOT.

EXT. HEIST DAY APPARENTLY

BEN gets ALAN and the FBI out of the building by PRANKING the JUDICIAL SYSTEM, which is silly but hey we aren't supposed to be taking this seriously, except wait YES WE ARE.

BEN STILLER

Get ready, everyone! We're on the verge of launching our thrilling plan!

The EXCITING PLAN commences with showing us the MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE, in its ENTIRETY, in REAL TIME. Then we see some SLOW-MOTION REPLAYS, then a HIGHLIGHTS package, and then an ANDERSON COOPER SPECIAL looking back at how the PARADE reflected the AMERICAN PSYCHE. Then the MOVIE resumes.

BEN STILLER

Now we use our inside knowledge of the building to get past security. And our inside knowledge is that the entire staff is a bunch of incompetent assclowns, so we can basically walk right in.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Oh no, Eddie has gone rogue! He's going to doublecross us!

BEN STILLER

That's okay, apparently he had no role in our plan. Like you. And in a few minutes he'll be back on the team to contribute nothing. Like Casey.

GABOUREY knocks out an TRAINED FBI AGENT with COMEDY, then cracks the SAFE.

GABOUREY SIDIBE

My purpose has been fulfilled.

(vanishes into thin air)

MICHAEL PENA

Oh no, the safe is... EMPTY!!! Who could have expected this besides everybody!

EDDIE MURPHY

(sucking up vat of studio money through rectum)

Wait a minute, Alan's Ferrari is actually made of solid gold! Which makes it obscenely heavy and all the crazy stunts we have planned impossible, but never mind that.

BEN STILLER

Hmm. Matthew, you have any experience stealing ultra-rare Ferraris from movie authority figures?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

How about we don't go there.

BEN stuffs the ENTIRE 30-TON GOLD CAR up his ASS, then does some CASUAL RAPELLING down the building in case you forgot his CAREER BUILDING-MANAGER CHARACTER also moonlights as JASON STATHAM.

CASEY AFFLECK

Damnit, the FBI are back, blocking our escape!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

So it's REALLY TRULY WHOLLY AND COMPLETELY all over!

BEN STILLER

(dramatically)

Not quite! We can still call in the help of Stephen Henderson even though we've apparently never told him anything about the plan!

MICHAEL PENA

So now, what, every staff member with a speaking part is in on the plan. Who were we sneaking past exactly?

STEPHEN HENDERSON distracts the FBI by almost MOWING DOWN THE ENTIRE MACY'S PARADE with a GIANT TRUCK until he is CAUGHT. However since his reveal is WACKY he avoids charges of ATTEMPTED MURDER.

TEA LEONI

Oh no, the truck is... EMPTY!!! Who could have expected this besides everybody!

BEN and the GANG begin strutting aimlessly around town, but the FBI ARREST everyone using their PSYCHIC POWERS. They check BEN'S ASS but the GOLD CAR is GONE!

TEA LEONI

Where's the car, dude?

BEN STILLER

I won't tell you. Meantimes, I found the traditional secret ledger that magically convicts the bad guy of all crimes ever.

(hands over ledger)

I will trade it in exchange for freedom.

TEA LEONI

But you already gave it to me. I could just leave with it and say fuck you.

BEN STILLER

(smugly)

It's my version of a brilliant chess move called something something. Except my version is stumbling across damning evidence through blind luck and then giving it to the police before finalizing a deal with them.

TEA LEONI

Fine, we'll let all your accomplices go, but throw you in jail anyway, just for being so insufferably damned pleased with yourself.

EXT. TOWER ROOF

EDDIE, CASEY, MICHAEL, MATT, and GABBY meet by the ROOFTOP POOL.

EDDIE MURPHY

Ha ha, we actually hid the car up here, at the bottom of a swimming pool, inside an FBI crime scene, on the roof of an enormous skyscraper. How the fuck we deal with this isn't worth showing, because we're at the end of the movie. Just cue some upbeat music and assume it happens somehow.

MICHAEL PENA

Good idea, otherwise we'd have a movie called Tower Heist with an actually successful tower heist in it.

GABOUREY SIDIBE

I guess everything's neatly wrapped up. But wait, Matthew and I had a whole other bunch of problems, are we going to deal with those at all?

EDDIE MURPHY

Nah.

GABOUREY SIDIBE

Well, crap.

(pause)

So your one achievement this whole time was to lock Judd Hirsch in a closet. No wonder it feels like you were barely here.

They MAIL individual parts of the GOLD CAR to all the TOWER STAFF that ALAN FUCKED OVER.

RANDOM STAFF MEMBER

What the fuck is this? A gold crankshaft? Where the hell did this come from and how am I supposed to convert this to useable currency?

The ENTIRE STAFF are CONVICTED of AIDING AND ABETTING A FELONY AFTER THE FACT and all go to JAIL and are MISERABLE for the REST OF THEIR LIVES.

BEN STILLER

(to camera)

Merry Christmas, everybody!!

END