FADE IN:

INT. SONY PICTURES

SETH ROGEN and JAMES FRANCO have a meeting with the heads of SONY PICTURES.

SETH ROGEN

We want to make a movie about assassinating the leader of North Korea who, as you know, is a fine gentleman known for his ability to take a joke. Isn’t that right James?

JAMES FRANCO

(picks nose)

(eats it)

SONY PICTURES

Sold! Here’s $44 million dollars. I’m sure greenlighting this silly comedy won’t come back to fuck us royally. Now if you’ll excuse us we have some snarky e-mails to send about Angelina Jolie and Michael Fassbender’s trouser snake on our impenetrable private servers.

INT. THE JAMES FRANCO SHOW

JAMES FRANCO is a talk show host and he’s about as thick as KIM K’s ASS. SETH ROGEN is his producer.

JAMES FRANCO

Tonight I am interviewing infamous Rap artist Eminem, a man accused of being a misogynist homophobe. How do you respond to these claims, Em?

EMINEM

I’m gay, which somehow excuses my raging hatred of women.

JAMES FRANCO

And that’s the joke. Cut to the next scene.

But instead this scene goes on FOR-FUCKING-EVER until the AUDIENCE has it rammed into their heads that EMINEM is in LOVE with PENIS.

JAMES FRANCO

Your favorite winged farm animal?

EMINEM

Cock.

JAMES FRANCO

Your favorite action to perform on a gun?

EMINEM

Cock.

JAMES FRANCO

Your favorite movie director?

EMINEM

Hitch... Cock.

JAMES FRANCO

If you were stranded on a deserted island and were allowed to choose only one food item, what would that item be?

EMINEM

Oooh, that's a hard one, let me think about it. Hmmm. I'm going to have to go with cock, James.

DEAD HORSE

(thoroughly beaten)

Later SETH runs into his old college friend ANDERS HOLM.

ANDERS HOLM

I work for one of the big media outlets reporting real news while you produce a shitty tabloid show. Envy me.

SETH ROGEN

I do. If only the opportunity to show you up were to fall right into my lap. And had tits.

DIANA BANG

(on phone)

Seth, I am a North Korean official and our dear leader Randall Park is a fan of your show for plot reasons. He wishes to be interviewed by James Franco.

SETH ROGEN

But why would Randall choose James of all people? Why not someone more reputable like Brian Williams or Anderson Cooper?

DIANA BANG

Because Randall is still a fairly young guy and doesn’t know who the fuck any of those old people are. And since Jon Stewart doesn’t exist in this movie’s universe James is the next best thing.

SETH ROGEN

Still, it seems awfully moronic for a world leader like Randall to choose to be interviewed by someone with even less journalistic credibility than TMZ.

DIANA BANG

And that’s the joke.

SETH ROGEN

Jesus, why is every scene so goddamn one-note?

DIANA BANG

You directed this bullshit, you tell me. Seth? Seth?

SETH ROGEN

(ignoring her)

Your last name is Bang. Gigity.

INT. SETH’S HOUSE

SETH and JAMES finish having an ambiguously gay sleepover when G-Woman LIZZY CAPLAN approaches.

LIZZY CAPLAN

I work for the CIA. We heard about your meeting with Randall Park and we want you to take care of him.

JAMES FRANCO

You mean like babysit him?

LIZZY CAPLAN

No, I mean “take care” of him.

JAMES FRANCO

You mean like adopt him or something?

LIZZY CAPLAN

No, stupid. Try to come up with another euphemism for “take care of”. Think of all those underage girls you’ve screwed.

JAMES FRANCO

(thinks)

(thinks)

(thinks)

(lightbulb!)

You want us to date rape Randall Park?!

LIZZY CAPLAN

Ugh. I know you have a BFA and two MFA degrees, but I honestly can’t tell if you’re just a good actor or really brain-shittingly moronic.

JAMES FRANCO

I’m sure that’s the joke and not a reflection on me as a person. Right, guys? Right?

SETH ROGEN

Err, let’s just move on to the next sketch, shall we?

INT. THE CIA’S MURDER PLANNING ROOM

LIZZY CAPLAN

James will wear this ricin poison strip on his palm so when he shakes Randall’s hand he will absorb the poison and die an agonizing death hours later.

SETH ROGEN

Great, the CIA is stealing ideas from a fictional meth cooker. Isn’t Randall’s sudden death going to make us look suspicious as hell and likely get James and I killed?

LIZZY CAPLAN

That is a sacrifice we are willing to make.

INT. NORTH KOREA

SETH and JAMES land and are searched for any ASSASSIN-RELATED paraphernalia.

SETH ROGEN

I’m sure they won’t find that ricin strip Lizzy hid in your bag.

JAMES FRANCO

What? Pshaw! I got rid of that ugly sack in favor of this Michael Kors original. A playa’s gotta maintain his fashion cred, nawmsayin?

SETH ROGEN

So where’s the ricin?

JAMES FRANCO

In this pack of chewing gum I brought with me.

DOOMED NORTH KOREAN OFFICIAL

(chewing poisoned gum)

Oddly enough I pick the one stick of gum out of the entire pack that’s actually the poison strip.

SETH ROGEN

But you’re an evil North Korean asshole, so fuck you.

DOOMED NORTH KOREAN OFFICIAL

Well actually it turns out there’s a secret North Korean resistance group that wants Randall removed from power and I could very easily be one of those guys.

SETH ROGEN

But we never find that out for sure.

DOOMED NORTH KOREAN OFFICIAL

But I could be.

SETH ROGEN

But... well shit, that’s depressing. Let’s pretend accidentally killing an apparently innocent guy isn’t the joke.

But it IS.

EXT. RANDALL PARKVILLE

SETH and JAMES are driven through an obviously FAKE TOWN meant to show that North Korea’s citizens are not being STARVED TO DEATH.

JAMES FRANCO

Hey look! A strategically placed fat kid! This proves all those bad things people said about Randall Park being an evil heartless dictator are all lies!

RANDALL PARK

That’s right, James. I'm actually kind of a nice guy.

JAMES FRANCO

Wait, are you really the guy we got to play Kim Jong Un? You look like a shitty Saturday Night Live skit version.

RANDALL PARK

And yet I will be the only reasonably entertaining actor here. Now come, James, let us bond by me showing you how to operate this tank, which is the worst mistake I will ever make aside from choosing Dennis Rodmen over Snoop Dogg as my one black friend.

JAMES FRANCO

Wow! This tank has a CD player and it’s preloaded with Katy Perry’s entire discography!

RANDALL PARK

Huh. Given this is all just an elaborate charade to manipulate you, and Katy Perry is my genuine weak spot, you'd think I would have removed that CD weeks ago. Anyway, you CAN NOT tell anyone about my massive lady boner for KP as it would jeopardize my status as a superhuman Xerxes-esque God-king who doesn’t pee or poop. Now let’s go get drunk and fuck bitches.

JAMES FRANCO

You had me at get drunk and fuck bitches!

JAMES and RANDALL become GIRLFRIENDS.

JAMES FRANCO

Oh Seth! You won’t believe the magical night Randall and I had! We stayed up all night talking about boys and braiding each other’s hair!

SETH ROGEN

Uh, James? You do realize this guy is an evil little fuck and we’re here to kill him, right?

JAMES FRANCO

Well I changed my mind. Besides the poison strip got eaten, remember?

SETH ROGEN

That’s why Lizzy sent us a backup poison strip via a tiger-murdering drone.

JAMES FRANCO

Well that's too bad because Randall and I are besties now.

SETH ROGEN

Randall’s dangerous! I can’t believe you let him glamour you like this! He’s Edward and you’re Bella!

JAMES FRANCO

Then I guess that makes you Jacob! Just admit you’re jealous of our Bromance!

SETH ROGEN

Look if you won’t kill Randall then I’ll stick the poison strip to my hand and kill him myself!

JAMES FRANCO

Then I’ll just get him to not shake your hand by pointing out your Jewish heritage, because blatant anti-Semitism = hilarious.

JAMES and RANDALL leave while holding hands and skipping. DIANA meets with SETH.

DIANA BANG

Seth, I’m here to have sex with you because hairy overweight Americans who reek of bong smoke and stale pizza turns me on. Now put your sweaty American hands on me!

SETH ROGEN

Everyone seems to forget I'm actually Canadian.

DIANA BANG

Well actually so am I. Let's hope the Guardians of Peace are too stupid to figure that out.

SETH ROGEN

Well I kinda have poison on my wanking hand so we have to have awkward handless sex. That's your cue to get all freaky deaky.

DIANA BANG

Really? Ugh, this was supposed to be my big breakout role and I’m reduced to being “hot girl who sleeps with Seth Rogen”.

SETH ROGEN

Hey it worked for Katherine Heigl, Amber Heard and Elizabeth Banks and look at how great their careers are goingohwait.

INT. RANDALL PARK’S PALACE

RANDALL is having a meeting with his TOP ADVISORS. Also JAMES is there.

RANDALL PARK

MotherFUCK the West! I’ll show those capitalist dogs to respect me even if it means Duke Nuking the whole fucking continent!

KOREAN MILITARY GUY

Uh, sir? Are you sure you should be saying this with James Franco sitting right next to you?

RANDALL PARK

Don’t worry, I just said all that shit in Korean, right?

JAMES FRANCO

No, you said it in English, which is the only language I happen to understand.

RANDALL PARK

Wait, why the hell am I addressing my own staff in English?

JAMES FRANCO

While you’re figuring that out I’m going to slip away and wander around North Korea totally unattended.

RANDALL PARK

Yeah that sounds like I thing an evil dictator like myself would let happen.

JAMES quickly discovers RANDALL PARKVILLE is really RANDALL FAKESVILLE!

JAMES FRANCO

That rat fuck Randall! It’s just like Terezin if I were smart enough to know what that is! The assassination’s back on!

DIANA BANG

And I’m conveniently a member of the resistance that wants Randall's regime gone, but you don’t actually have to kill him, just show the North Korean people Randall’s not an omnipotent God by humiliating him.

SETH ROGEN

But how? Randall’s not dumb enough to air a live broadcasting of his interview where he could be ambushed with “gotcha questions”.

DIANA BANG

You underestimate the stupidity of our dear leader. Just look at his haircut. Now Seth and I will secure the broadcast booth so it’s all up to James to make Randall cry.

JAMES FRANCO

You can count on me!

Before they start THE INTERVIEW, RANDALL gives JAMES an adorable puppy.

RANDALL PARK

Sorry about that whole “motherfuck the West” and “Duke Nuke’em!” stuff I said earlier. Besties again?

JAMES FRANCO

(cuddling puppy)

Oh! I can’t stay mad at you! Assassination’s off again!

RANDALL PARK

Phew! Now, to start The Interview off by feeding me a few softball questions so everyone thinks you've sold out and changes the channel in disgust. Which was all part of my plan, somehow?

JAMES FRANCO

Well NOW that I've suckered you in I'm going to ask you the REAL questions! Why do you starve your people, Randall? Huh? HUH?! Gotcha!

RANDALL PARK

Really, James? You think I'm too stupid to simply deflect those questions with my own propaganda or dictator-y charm? Is that the best you got?

JAMES FRANCO

(sings Katy Perry)

(horribly)

RANDALL PARK

(bawling)

NOOOOOOH!!!! MY ONE WEAKNESS THAT SOMEHOW PREVENTS ME FROM LYING!!! IT'S ALL TRUE!!! Also despite popular belief I have a urinary tract and a butthole which I will demonstrate by

(pees and poops self)

The NORTH KOREANS try to shut the broadcast down but SETH keeps it going by graphically feeding his fingers to a STARVING NORTH KOREAN GUY.

SETH ROGEN

We were in desperate need of laughs, so when in doubt use cannibalistic violence!

DIANA BANG

Except minus the laughs.

SETH ROGEN

Really? Well maybe if I bite the other guy’s fingers off too?

DIANA BANG

Nope, still not satisfying, just pathetic.

SETH ROGEN

I’m tired of women telling me that.

Some SHOOTING happens and SETH and JAMES end up inside a TANK.

RANDALL PARK

Ha! That tank is no match for this military chopper I’m in! Besides it’s not like you guys know how to operate that thing unless some fat idiot showed you how to OH SHIT

(explodes!)

JAMES FRANCO

Wait, so we end up killing Randall anyway even though he was already disgraced? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to leave him at the mercy of the angry North Korean people so they could Gaddafi him?

SETH ROGEN

OR, we could take the lazier option and just end it here. Now that Randall is dead democracy has come to North Korea, which is now filled with rainbows and rivers of chocolate.

LIZZY CAPLAN

And I'm in love with James now! Bye!

SETH ROGEN

Uh... yeah. Now we wait for our fat stacks to roll in once this film is released in thousands of theaters worldwide!

TOTALLY NOT NORTH KOREAN HACKERS

Or not.

SETH ROGEN

What? Fuck you guys. What are you going to do? Bomb every single theater that plays our movie?

TOTALLY NOT NORTH KOREAN HACKERS

No, just threaten to if Sony releases the movie, even though it would be completely impossible for us to make good on such a crazy threat without serious international consequences.

JAMES FRANCO

Hey! Why didn't you guys get this butthurt when Team America did it?

TOTALLY NOT NORTH KOREAN HACKERS

Because that movie was actually good. Maybe if you guys had brought your A-Game instead of wiping your ass with the camera and calling it comedy then we wouldn't be having this conversation.

SETH ROGEN

You do realize no one gave a single solitary shit about this movie until you guys started attacking it, right? Now everyone will go see the movie out of curiosity and/or patriotism!

TOTALLY NOT NORTH KOREAN HACKERS

(clears throat)

9-11.

SONY PICTURES

Yup, that's our cue to pussy out like pussies and say we’re not going to release the movie ever in a million years.

(pause)

Okay maybe we will.

(pause)

Okay we definitely will, but digitally.

TOTALLY NOT NORTH KOREAN HACKERS

Ha! Now everyone can torrent this lazy bullshit for free costing Sony millions!

And THAT’S THE JOKE.

END

SONY PICTURES

Wait, so if the North Koreans really aren't taking credit for hacking us then who could have possibly orchestrated all of this?

BILL GATES

(with pyramid hands)

Who indeed. Muhahahahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH!!!!!