FADE IN:

EXT. ALBANIA

A group of DANGEROUS-LOOKING MEN bring some bodies back into the country and BURY THEM. The men have the same TATTOO as the GANG FROM THE FIRST MOVIE.

HENCHMAN #24

Wow, what an elegant way of setting up the premise for this movie. Didn't even need any dialogue. Classy.

RADE SHERBEDGIA

Yeah, but audiences are morons, so: HEY, EVERYONE! LIAM NEESON KILLED OUR LOVED ONES, WHO WERE THUGS FROM THE FIRST MOVIE WHO LIAM KILLED AND NOW WE WANT REVENGE. Okay, I think they might have gotten that through their thick skulls.

HENCHMAN #24

Wait, is that seriously the setup for this film? The random mooks from the first movie actually have family who want revenge? This could be awesome and original! Either that, or it'll be the most ridiculous, unsubtle gun explosion extravaganza-

RADE SHERBEDGIA

Our new director's name is Megaton.

HENCHMAN #24

Oh.

EXT. ISTANBUL

LIAM NEESON

Ahh, it's good to be on holiday with my ex-wife and daughter. THERE, WAS THAT SO HARD? Fucking twenty minute intro with fucking bullshit about Famke's failing fucking marriage and Maggie's fucking boyfriend and I didn't even get to punch anybody yet...

MAGGIE GRACE

Breathe, Dad. Anyway, I'm going to hang at the hotel, so you and Mom should go have lunch. Maybe you'll even rekindle your romance, you estranged couple you!

LIAM NEESON

Oh yes, because that's, like, the ONE action movie cliche we managed to avoid last time. Can't have that, noooo.

LIAM and FAMKE go out to lunch, but they're being followed by BAD GUYS!

LIAM NEESON

Famke, get out of the car and go down that passageway, and go out the rear door, then turn right, and then right again, and

(on and on and on)

FAMKE JANSSEN

Wait, what's happening?

LIAM NEESON

There's no time to say the words "we're being followed"! Just follow those lengthy, convoluted instructions to the letter and you'll be fine.

(kicks her out)

The plan comes apart on STEP ONE, but LIAM doesn't know this because by this time he's engaged in a high-speed car chase halfway across town.

HENCHMAN #117

Remember, we need him alive, so engage in a head-on collision while firing through his windshield very CAREFULLY.

They FENCE IN and COMPLETELY SURROUND LIAM'S CAR, but when they open the door he's gone, because MAGIC.

HENCHMAN #88

There he is, over there! Let's all politely take turns attacking him!

They attack. LIAM fends them off while the editor cuts wildly to conceal the fact that LIAM is SIXTY YEARS OLD.

HENCHMAN #19

Stop right there, Liam, we have your ex-wife here at gunpoint now! Don't think about the logistics of that, just roll with it.

LIAM NEESON

Fuck! Okay, you got me. I just have to make a quick phone call, is that cool?

HENCHMAN #19

Oh, sure, take your time. We'll just stand here and wait.

LIAM calls MAGGIE.

LIAM NEESON

Maggie, men are coming to get you. While five minutes ago my plan involved you going straight to hotel security, I've inexplicably abandoned that idea and now am telling you to go upstairs and hide in the closet.

MAGGIE GRACE

But wouldn't your hotel room be literally the first place in the entire world the bad guys will look?

LIAM NEESON

That's why you'll go one room over. They'll never look there! Even though that room is seemingly also in my name, as I have half my stuff there. Oh, and the door to that room is locked, so uh, good luck with that.

LIAM and FAMKE are ABDUCTED, and driven off in a windowless van.

LIAM NEESON

...twenty-four, twenty-five, left turn...

HENCHMAN #47

You know we can hear you when you do that out loud, right? What are you even doing, memorizing our route by how long we take to make certain turns? I guess you can judge the exact speed the van is going by feel, then.

LIAM NEESON

I'm also using aural landmarks like "man singing" and "people doing metalwork" Because as you know, where a sound is happening that sound will continue to happen in perpetuity.

INT. HOTEL

Meanwhile, MAGGIE is hiding from henchmen, in a closet containing exactly ONE SHIRT. One of the henchmen checks inside the closet, but she avoids being seen by STANDING BEHIND THE SHIRT. This looks even dumber than it sounds.

HENCHMAN #130

Nothing here. Just a shirt. With legs. Now, rather than move the shirt aside like a normal person, I will check the other side of the closet by closing this closet door, stepping over to the other one, and-

HENCHMAN #52

BWAH, I HAVE SCREWED UP OF MY OWN ACCORD AND OH NO HOTEL SECURITY ARE SHOOTING US NOW!

MAGGIE GRACE

Yes! Deus ex machina'd, bitches!

She gets a PHONE CALL from LIAM.

MAGGIE GRACE

Dad? Aren't you taken hostage?

LIAM NEESON

Yes, but fortunately I had a cell phone thing concealed on me. Exactly where you'd conceal an ankle holster, as a matter of fact. So I guess they didn't frisk me, like, at all.

MAGGIE GRACE

I want to help save you and Mom, what do I do?

LIAM NEESON

I dunno, you know how this film series feels about women being anything other than blubbering victims...

MAGGIE GRACE

Pleeease, I promise I'll only follow direct orders and never show even the slightest bit of initiative.

LIAM NEESON

All right then. Grab a map and your shoelace and

(gibberish)

Following LIAM'S instructions, MAGGIE does something COMPLETELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE with a map and the wind and stuff. Maybe eagle scouts understand it.

MAGGIE GRACE

And yet I still managed to blow up a car in this scene. Cause it's just that type of movie.

LIAM NEESON

So, now that you've pinpointed my exact location somehow, you need to-

MAGGIE GRACE

Give it to the proper authorities so they can go rescue you?

LIAM NEESON

That is NOT how I raised you, young lady. Now, grab a gun and come alone to the middle of Gangsterville.

After Liam hangs up, RADE comes into the room with him.

RADE SHERBEDGIA

Now the first part of your punishment: watching your wife die in front of you!

LIAM NEESON

Er. Isn't this a little tasteless, considering... you know...

RADE SHERBEDGIA

Just - try real hard not to think about that, okay? Anyway, I will now subject her to a long, slow death which can only be stopped by turning her the right way up. And to ensure that doesn't happen, I'll leave the two of you alone and completely unguarded for the next half an hour. It's foolproof!

He PARTIALLY SLITS FAMKE'S THROAT and HANGS HER UPSIDE-DOWN TO BLEED OUT, because he's forgotten this isn't HOSTEL 4. Then he and everyone else CLEAR OUT.

LIAM NEESON

Don't worry, honey, I'll save you! I just have to find a way out of these... plastic wrist ties?! Oh, come on. There are chains right here in the room, guys.

He gets free, saves FAMKE, and calls MAGGIE back.

LIAM NEESON

You're nearby, good. Now, drop the gun down the chimney for me.

MAGGIE GRACE

Wait, if the gun's for you, shouldn't you have had me bring a spare so-

LIAM NEESON

Just give me the gun already and be completely unarmed and helpless in hostile territory!

MAGGIE GRACE

Okay, I know in the first movie you were a little over-protective, but this might be too far in the other direction.

She sends the gun down to LIAM, and is immediately spotted and chased by a couple of thugs.

HENCHMAN #76

HURK, I JUST COMICALLY CLOTHESLINED MYSELF TO DEATH!

MAGGIE GRACE

Boy, I seem to be lucking out with these laughably inept pursuers. Maybe the other guy will trip over his own feet and fall off the roof or something.

The other guy is SHOT DEAD BY LIAM.

MAGGIE GRACE

That works too, I guess.

LIAM NEESON

Hi, sweetie! In case you're wondering, I located you and caught up with you so quickly by [REDACTED]. Your mother's still back there, so-

MAGGIE GRACE

Let's call the proper authorities and get them to save her?

LIAM NEESON

ENOUGH OF THAT. Let's steal a car and go directly back to where we just fled from.

They DO, but FAMKE is being hauled off in a van.

LIAM NEESON

Fuck! And wouldn't you know it, right when I completely forget how to shoot tires or read license plates.

He goes back to MAGGIE, only to find an EVIL COP checking out their car. The cop pulls a gun, and LIAM SHOOTS HIM.

LIAM NEESON

Take that, you corrupt, gang-controlled - oh. Unless you were just legitimately arresting me on account of that stolen car.

EVIL COP

Nope, it just so happens I was corrupt and evil, so it's all cool.

(dies)

LIAM NEESON

Phew, my sociopathy nearly had some ramifications for a minute there!

Suddenly ALL THE BAD GUYS ARRIVE IN CARS and MAGGIE has to try and GET AWAY FROM THEM.

LIAM NEESON

Go, Maggie! Move! Faster! Keep going! Go! Go faster! Move, Maggie! Keep moving! Go! Faster! Go faster! Move! Keep going! Faster, Maggie! Keep moving! Fast! Go faster, Maggie! Move! Go! Go, Maggie!

MAGGIE GRACE

Shut up shut up SHUT UP!

LIAM NEESON

Hey, this is the single biggest action setpiece of the movie and I basically spend it sitting down. So help me God, I'm going to make as much sound as possible to remind people I exist! Go! Faster!

Eventually all the EVIL CARS have CRASHED, ROLLED OVER or been HIT BY TRAINS.

LIAM NEESON

There we go, we lost all our pursuers!

(goes insane)

Now deliberately crash into the US Embassy!!

MAGGIE GRACE

WWWHHHYYYYY?!?

LIAM NEESON

BECAUSE IT'S JUST THAT TYPE OF MOVIE!!

They CRASH THEIR CAR THROUGH THE TOLLBOOTH, coming within inches of KILLING THE GUARDS, but it'll all be cool because LIAM KNOWS A GUY.

LIAM NEESON

I think I know how to find Famke. So you stay here while-

MAGGIE GRACE

While you explain it to the proper authorities, some of whom are FIVE FEET AWAY?

LIAM NEESON

Look, when I was a child I was badly mauled by a proper authority and it left me with a crippling phobia. I should probably talk to somebody about it, but for now I'm going to go walk into this obvious trap, as Rade would naturally be using Famke as bait.

INT. CRIME HQ

RADE SHERBEDGIA

"Bayt"? What is this "bate" of which you speak? I was just going to chop her into pieces. To start with, I'll cut up her shirt eeeexxxxtrrrrrreee-eeeeeeeeeeemmmmelllllllllllllyyyyyy ssssssssllllllllllllllllloooooooooo-

EXT. ISTANBUL

LIAM follows the trail he memorised earlier, on foot. At one point he takes a leisurely ferry ride.

INT. CRIME HQ

RADE SHERBEDGIA

-oooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-llllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy...

Outside, LIAM arrives, and murders the guy standing out front.

LIAM NEESON

Boy I hope I have the right address.

He heads in and replaces everyone's internal organs with bullets and punches. Then he runs into SOME GUY, and they wind up in a two-man MEXICAN STANDOFF.

LIAM NEESON

There is literally no reason for me to not pull the trigger right now.

HENCHMAN #12

Likewise.

Instead they sort of FLAIL THEIR ARMS AT EACH OTHER and wind up ACCIDENTALLY THROWING THEIR GUNS AWAY.

LIAM NEESON

No way was that just a horribly contrived way to get the two of us into a fistfight.

HENCHMAN #12

Oh, sure it was. Come on, let's own this. Let's get up on a fucking DAIS and fight.

LIAM NEESON

Fuck yes! Let's do this thing!

They get up on a LITTLE STAGE THAT IS THERE FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON and start wailing on each other. Then the nameless guy PULLS A KNIFE, some blurry stuff happens, and he DIES.

LIAM NEESON

I... guess that means I took your knife and stabbed you? Go me!

LIAM heads in to confront RADE.

RADE SHERBEDGIA

So it's down to this. The final confrontation between - oh, ha ha, you know what? I forgot to own a gun! Can I get a do-over?

LIAM NEESON

Actually, fine, you can go. Because if I kill you, your other sons will come after me, and I'll have to go through this same basic crap again in another exotic locale, and so on until either these films stop making money or I get too old for even the choppiest editing to cover for me. Fuck that noise. So, promise to leave me alone?

RADE SHERBEDGIA

I give you my word as a vengeance-crazed crimelord.

LIAM puts down his gun and turns his back on RADE.

RADE SHERBEDGIA

Score, turns out he's the world's biggest moron!

He picks up the gun and tries to fire it, but it's empty.

RADE SHERBEDGIA

...No, wait, I was thinking of me.

LIAM Midnight Expresses RADE to death, then goes and unties FAMKE.

LIAM NEESON

It's over, honey! We're safe!

FAMKE JANSSEN

You just explained why we're very much not.

LIAM NEESON

Well, maybe we can distract the audience from how fucked our family is if we end the movie on the cheesiest note possible.

Then the movie TAKEN 2 ends with MAGGIE delivering a CORNY ONE-LINER while they all have MILKSHAKES at the BEACH.

SERIOUSLY.

END.