FADE IN:

The OPENING CREDITS begin with the rousing JERRY GOLDSMITH SCORE which makes everyone born after 1985 wonder why the fuck this movie is starting with the NEXT GENERATION THEME.

EXT. DEEP SPACE

Some KLINGON SHIPS approach a weird ENERGY CLOUD THING.

KLINGON CAPTAIN

The super-cool electric-bass licks we detected are emanating from there. We CANNOT let this challenge to Klingon heavy-metal domination slide! Fire torpedoes!

The TORPEDOES do JACK SHIT. In response the ENERGY CLOUD fires ENERGY BALLS that begin DE-REZZING the KLINGONS!

KLINGON CAPTAIN

ARRRGHH RUST IN PEACE BLOOD BROTHERSSSSSS

INT. FEDERATION OUTPOST "LOGANSRUN"

Meanwhile, in case anyone was wondering what happened to TIMES SQUARE NEW YEAR'S EVE BALLS when they were done, it turns out they all got jammed together to make this FEDERATION SPACE STATION.

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER

Sir! If I'm reading this stupidly illegible font on my monitor correctly, and holy fuck is this some kind of future encryption, putting it in 48-point block funky letters, anyway I believe I've intercepted a signal from some random interstellar camera that's filming some Klingons in distress.

COMMANDER

On screen... My God, it killed all the Klingons! And it's heading... for EARTH!! DUN DUN DUNNNN!!

(pause)

Pretty crazy to think that's the sum total of Klingon appearances in the first TWO Star Trek movies.

EXT. VULCAN

VULCAN PRIESTESS

Leonard, we are so glad you've learned to accept this shithole of barren rock as your home.

LEONARD NIMOY

Indeed. I am ready to fully accept the Vulcan way of pure logic and discipline, as evidenced by my crazy rock-star bedhead. And so, I accept the revered craft-fair necklace of funky reason--

(pause)

--wait. I sense something, something far out in space. Far out... and groovy. I must go.

INT. FEDERATION HQ - EARTH

WILLIAM SHATNER lands in the big hangar bay using effects that were apparently deemed acceptable back in 1979.

SAUCY MCNOTSPOCK

Hello, I'm Saucy McNotSpock. You can just forget stupid old Spock, I'm here to stay! I'm the Vulcan first mate for a NEW generation!

(snaps)

WILLIAM SHATNER

Riiiight... hey, Jimmy!! Jimmy Doohan! I see we're still able to do a scene side-by-side without immediately trying to rip each others' nards off, that's nice.

(grins)

Anyway, I've been given back command of the Enterprise on account of the dire emergency, and my familiarity with the ship. Report!

JAMES DOOHAN

Let's see. We've rebuilt the ship, everything's different, and almost nothing is ready. All your knowledge of the Enterprise is useless now, yay! Let me give you an external tour, I've set up a gigantic LED office lamp to help show off the new design.

They drive SLOOWWWLY up to the ENTERPRISE and then SLOWWWLY alongside and then SLOWWWLY back around again and basically waste tons of time jerking it to the exterior curves of the ship when time is of the essence and all that.

INT. ENTERPRISE - BRIDGE

On the bridge, we find NICHELLE NICHOLS and GEORGE TAKEI and WALTER KOENIG, along with an EMBARRASSINGLY LAME HOVER-PLATFORM STUNT which would have looked cheap in DARK STAR for cripe's sake.

GEORGE TAKEI

Ah, it's good to be back! I'm sure this will still be a thrilling adventure even though we're not quite the young bucks we used to be.

NICHELLE NICHOLS

Dude, we keep doing these movies for another TWELVE YEARS. Wait till DeForest looks like a literal Cryptkeeper. We're gonna regret saving all the fistfights and running around for later instalments, let me tell you.

WALTER KOENIG

I'm just excited to see everyone again! It'll be great to see how our characters and relationships have evolved since the end of the TV series, and to re-establish our rapport with Shatner and Nimoy and--

WILLIAM SHATNER

(rushing past)

Oh hey Uhura Sulu Chekhov great to see you looking good okay gotta run bye!

(leaves)

GEORGE TAKEI

Dick.

INT. ENGINEERING

SHATNER tracks down previous Captain STEPHEN COLLINS.

WILLIAM SHATNER

Listen Collins, I've been given command for this mission, because a team of Starfleet archeologists just discovered that in real life, you are actually a filthy pedo scumbag.

STEPHEN COLLINS

That's not fair! I just want to offer my firm, guiding hand to this virginal vessel on its maiden voyage, why won't--

WILLIAM SHATNER

OH GOD SHUT UP BEFORE I PUKE. Now it's too late to re-edit the whole movie, so just try to stay inconspicuous before you ruin this entire franchise, got it? In fact, keep to the edge of frame so the TV pan-scan can cut you out as much as possible. Doohan, have you beamed up the rest of the crew yet?

JAMES DOOHAN

Working on it... oh crap, the transporter turned Saucy McNotSpock into a pile of goop. Guess there'll be no Vulcan hijinks for us! Nope, no logic-emotion clashes on THIS mission!

(winks)

INT. ENTERPRISE - SOCIAL HUB / REC CENTRE

SHATNER has gathered the ENTIRE CREW to watch a giant viewscreen.

WILLIAM SHATNER

I know you're all concerned about what lies ahead. So to inspire you, here's three Klingon ships dying horribly from an unstoppable weapon.

(pause)

This not-yet-fully-operational ship is the only one in range to defend Earth. And I must say, way to guard Earth, Starfleet. That's some top-notch tactics there.

NICHELLE NICHOLS

Sir! We're getting a message from Logansrun station that they're about to be obliterated.

WILLIAM SHATNER

Even better for morale! Put it on screen right away, external view!

NICHELLE NICHOLS

How the fuck would that work... oh right, the floating cameras that we seeded every square inch of outer space with.

The LOGANSRUN STATION appears on the screen, about to be FRAGGED. We cut to INTERNAL VIEW in time for...

LOGANSRUN COMMANDER

Argh, their Instagram filter... too strong for our shields!! AAAIIEEEEEE

(dies)

WILLIAM SHATNER

Right. Don't worry crew, OUR shields are, um, way better. Dismissed!

INT. ENTERPRISE - BRIDGE

Brand new character PERSIS KHAMBATTA arrives on board, the wonky TRANSPORTER having only lost her HAIR and PANTS.

PERSIS KHAMBATTA

My people took an oath of celibacy. Right after our oath of wearing only taint-length microskirts. This may seem like an odd way to introduce myself but I heard about Shatner's reputation as an interstellar horndog, so...

WILLIAM SHATNER

Greetings Persis, may I--

PERSIS KHAMBATTA

(fleeing)

OATH OF CELIBACY OATH OF CELLIBAAACYYYYYYYYYYY

SHATNER instead goes to the transporter room to greet DEFOREST KELLEY, who arrives wearing his DISCO BONES outfit complete with CRAZY BEARD and GOLD FUCKING MEDALLION.

DEFOREST KELLEY

Dammit Jim! Hello! Hope you dig the threads, I just wanted nobody to ever doubt EXACTLY what decade this movie was made in.

WILLIAM SHATNER

(actual line)

Dammit Bones, I need you. Badly!

DEFOREST KELLEY

Yeah, those Starfleet pants don't really hide anything, huh.

The ENTERPRISE turns on its RUNNING LIGHTS and is ready to go! They leave SPACE DOCK and fly past a CHILD'S SCIENCE FAIR EXHIBIT on JUPITER on their way to DEEP SPACE!

INT. ENTERPRISE - BRIDGE

WILLIAM SHATNER

George! We need to attempt... Warp One.

GEORGE TAKEI

Aye aye, sir. Warp One achieved, everything nominal, all hunky-dorOH FUCK IT'S A WORMHOLE!! It's sucked us into the Doctor Who opening credits universe!!

WALTER KOENIG

Also there's an asteroid ahead, inside the wormhole or something? Not sure how that works, but we'll need some clever way out of this--

They shoot the ASTEROID which fixes the rift in space-time, OBVIOUSLY.

WALTER KOENIG

--Sure, why not.

NICHELLE NICHOLS

Phew! Also, Leonard Nimoy is outside in a shuttle, requests permission to dock.

WILLIAM SHATNER

We just fell through a wormhole in space and are horribly off course, how the fuck did he even know where we are?!? Fuck it, let him on board, it's taken long enough to get the Big Three together as it is.

LEONARD NIMOY arrives on the bridge in his GOTH COAT and is SUPER BITCH COLD to everyone, even BIG HEAD GUY, whose purpose on the bridge has yet to be disclosed but HOLY SHIT IS HIS FUCKING HEAD EVER HUGE.

LEONARD NIMOY

I observe that your engines suck. Allow me.

(presses button)

They are now God level, you're welcome. Anyway, I wish to join in your search for this mysterious alien presence.

DEFOREST KELLEY

Based on nothing but tradition, I object! Dammit Spock, etc.!

WILLIAM SHATNER

(actual line)

Bones... I need him!

DEFOREST KELLEY

(averting eyes)

Dear God there you go again. For SURE we need looser pants next time.

Suddenly a RED ALERT goes off! The ship helpfully reminds us by shouting RED ALERT RED ALERT over and over again, we can't have people hearing themselves think during a RED ALERT after all!

NICHELLE NICHOLS

We've reached the cloud, sir! It has... TWELFTH POWER energy.

WILLIAM SHATNER

My God really, TWELFTH POWER?!? Are you fucking with me?

LEONARD NIMOY

It's no bullshit Captain, I'm reading TWELFTH POWER also! SWEET GOD DAMN!

GEORGE TAKEI

(freaking out)

TWELFTH FUCKING POWER HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDES

WILLIAM SHATNER

(tripping balls)

I MEAN JESUS FUCKING SWEET CHRISTMAS TWELFTH MOTHAH-FUCKIN POWER

While everyone is busy LOSING THEIR SHIT the cloud SHOOTS them causing EXPLOSIONS everywhere!

WALTER KOENIG

Arrrrgh my arm is wounded! And that's the only thing I actually contribute to the whole movie. Getting mildly hurt.

NICHELLE NICHOLS

Our peace messages aren't getting through, it's going to shoot again!

LEONARD NIMOY

I observe your communications equipment sucks. Allow me.

(presses button)

It is now God level, you're welcome. We may now proceed inside.

EXT. WITHIN THE SPACE ENERGY CLOUD

The ENTERPRISE flies into the cloud to find TRIPPY 2001 SHIT, MAAAN, WOOAHHHH, CHECK OUT THESE GROOVY PSYCHADELIC SCREENSAVERS, FUNKILICIOUS!!!!

GEORGE TAKEI

(is stunned)

NICHELLE NICHOLS

(is so utterly stunned!!)

WALTER KOENIG

(is so very completely fucking stunned!!!)

GEORGE TAKEI

Yeah this is WAAAY better than having big moments or memorable lines or plot functions...

WILLIAM SHATNER

Right, hold position just outside the robot labia skyline thing. We need pictures of THAT shit.

Suddenly a COLUMN OF LIGHT ENERGY appears which is very BRIGHT and LOUD!! It scans one of the CONSOLES!

LEONARD NIMOY

I OBSERVE YOUR COUNTER-ENERGY-BEAM-DATA-THIEVERY MEASURES SUCK

(smashes console)

THEY ARE NOW GOD LEVEL, YOU'RE WELCOME

BEAM OF LIGHT

WELL FUCK YOU IF I CAN'T STEAL DATA IMA GONNA STEAL THE BALD CHICK

The BEAM and PERSIS KHAMBATTA vanish!

REDSHIRT #1

Phew! Thought for sure one of us was gonna bite it.

REDSHIRT #2

Oh we don't get killed in this movie. We just wear outfits so fucking humiliating we WISH we were dead.

LEONARD NIMOY

Captain, a tractor beam has brought us outside some kind of aperture.

(actual line)

I suspect that aperture leads to another chamber that may house some part of the inner mechanism.

WILLIAM SHATNER

So you're saying that door between us and the inside, might be a door that leads to the inside. For a guy who singlehandedly fixed the entire ship you can say some downright stupid fucking shit, you know that?

COMPUTER

SONIC SHOWER ALERT! SONIC SHOWER ALERT!

WILLIAM SHATNER

Dammit I thought we got rid of the Doctor Who contamination! Leonard, DeForest, with me!

INT. PERSIS KHAMBATTA'S CABIN

The BIG THREE barge into the cabin and find--

WILLIAM SHATNER

My God, that's naked Persis Khambatta in that shower! I must investigate! Bones, hold my uniform!

DEFOREST KELLEY

Wait a sec Bill, that's actually a... mechanism!

WILLIAM SHATNER

You mean a robot?

DEFOREST KELLEY

Yes, but we're going to insist on using the term "mechanism".

(shrugs)

Sounds more highbrow or something. Wasn't my idea.

ROBO-PERSIS

I AM SENT BY V'GER. V'GER SEEKS THE CREATOR. THE CARBON UNITS WILL ASSIST, WHILE KEEPING THEIR CARBON RODS SECURED WELL WITHIN THEIR PANTS THANK YOU VERY MUCH

They take ROBO-PERSIS to the MEDICAL BAY.

DEFOREST KELLEY

It's amazing how this, er, mechanism has replicated human anatomy! She even has eye moisture!

WILLIAM SHATNER

Sooooo... that would mean she'd have moisture... in other places?

STEPHEN COLLINS

Dammit, Persis was MY girlfriend you know! Let me handle this!

INT. LEISURE DECK

STEPHEN gives ROBO-PERSIS a tour of the ship.

STEPHEN COLLINS

Surely you remember the games room? We would play this flashy-light thing for hours!

ROBO-PERSIS

I PRESUME THE GAMES ARE BEAMED DIRECTLY INTO THE CARBON UNITS' HEADS BECAUSE FROM HERE THEY LOOK LAME AS FUCK

STEPHEN COLLINS

Um no... but, what about us? Those magical times when I'd spend all night stroking that baby-smooth head of yours...

ROBO-PERSIS

THE CARBON UNIT IS CREEPY AS HELL, I AM SHUTTING THIS SHIT DOWN RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

INT. THRUSTER SUIT STORAGE ROOM

LEONARD finds the guy with the PORNIEST MOUSTACHE IN THE CREW and gives him a SUPER-PORNY NECKPINCH, then steals a THRUSTER SUIT which is surprisingly NOT FOR PORN PURPOSES.

LEONARD NIMOY

(into recorder)

I believe that going through the alien door will provide a better view of the inside.

(pause)

Look, I can't utter profound wisdom ALL fucking day, people.

LEONARD uses the SUIT to sneak through the APERTURE! Inside is, sure enough, MORE TRIPPY SHIT including full-scale 3D models of PLANETS and a GIGANTIC PERSIS KHAMBATTA!

LEONARD NIMOY

Astonishing. V'Ger has gathered knowledge on countless WORLDS and arranged it into a vast, WIDE, WEB! What a fantastical, mind-bending SF concept!! If only I could better INTERpret this NETwork... hm, it appears the virtual Persis has some kind of "comment section", perhaps if I mindmeld with itAAAAAAAAAAIIEEEERRGHHHHHH

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. SICKBAY

LEONARD NIMOY

Well that could have gone better.

(chuckles)

DEFOREST KELLEY

The fuck, Leonard, you're laughing?! Is the character of Spock about to change drastically-

LEONARD NIMOY

No, and forget that ever happened. Anyhoo, V'ger is a living machine, like back in Episode 3 and Episode 8 and Episode 12 and Episode 17 and Episode 25 and Episode 34 and...

NICHELLE NICHOLS

(through intercom)

Captain, we're in Earth orbit! Did I forget to mention we were almost in Earth orbit? Ha ha.

INT. BRIDGE

V'GER sends a signal to EARTH but, getting no response, horks out GIANT ELECTRIC SNOTBALLS to encircle the planet!

LEONARD NIMOY

Captain, V'ger is a child. It knows only that it wants.

STEPHEN COLLINS

(heavy breathing)

WILLIAM SHATNER

FUCK OFF YOU. Okay, I have a plan.

(loudly)

Hey Robo-Persis! I know why the Creator doesn't reply.

ROBO-PERSIS

OKAY THEN TELL ME OR V'GER RIPS EARTH A NEW ASSHOLE

WILLIAM SHATNER

(still loudly)

WELL IT SEEMS MY BLUFF HAS BEEN CALLED! Did absolutely everyone hear that? Oh good. All part of the plan.

ROBO-PERSIS

OUT OF PITY FOR YOUR PATHETIC PLAN YOU MAY MEET WITH V'GER

WILLIAM SHATNER

The Shat strikes again! Right, Leonard, DeForest, with me. Fuck it, Collins can come too in case there's any booby traps that need springing.

JAMES DOOHAN

Yes of course, why bring the engineer along to deal with the living MACHINE? It's fine, I'll wait out the rest of the movie with my thumb up my ass, like I've been doing for about an hour now. Asshole.

EXT. V'GER NERVE CENTRE LANDSCAPE THING

The gang travel over a giant hexagonal terrain and find... a VOYAGER PROBE WHAAAAAAAT?!?

WILLIAM SHATNER

My God, this metal plate... says V'GER, WHAAAAT?!?

LEONARD NIMOY

Wait, there's some space dust on the plate... it says VOYAGER, WHAAAAAAT?!?!??

DEFOREST KELLEY

There's still more space dust! It says... TO SERVE VOYAGER, WHAAAAAAT?!?!???!!?

V'GER begins BURPING OUT CODED MESSAGES! Back on the ship, NICHELLE frantically Googles "Voyager 6 answer codes" and sends the results to the away team.

DEFOREST KELLEY

Damn, it blew the Wifi router! We have to enter the code manually!

ROBO-PERSIS

YES THE CREATOR MUST JOIN WITH V'GER. ACTIVATE MOOD LIGHTING

STEPHEN COLLINS

I'll do it! Creating a brand new life form, an entire infant SPECIES, ohhh man--

WILLIAM SHATNER

(lacklustre)

No Stephen, don't sacrifice yourself! Guys, restrain me! Um, try to make it look good, like I was trying to stop him, okay? You're barely holding on. Right, um, no Stephen, don't die... fuck it that's enough, let's jet.

STEPHEN and ROBO-PERSIS are surrounded by sparkly disco lights and they levitate and of course the alien ship BLOWS UP, but in a way that leaves ENTERPRISE totes fine!!

INT. BRIDGE

Back on board, BIG HEAD GUY gathers the away teams' coats, finally revealing his purpose!

WILLIAM SHATNER

Good work crew, Earth is saved! Nichelle, record the casualties: Commander McNotSpock, Captain Collins, Lt. Khambatta. No! Wait--forget McNotSpock, he sucked. And the other two, list them as... "missing".

(smiles wistfully)

NICHELLE NICHOLS

Well Stephen, sure. But you do realize the REAL Persis is FUCKING DEAD right? That it was a robot, er, mechanism version of her that became part of a new species?

WILLIAM SHATNER

(faraway look)

Missing...

(shakes head)

Right then, off to new adventures!

DEFOREST KELLEY

But... weren't you only made Captain again on an emergency basis? Which is now over?

LEONARD NIMOY

And I only showed up to contact the alien, which I did. I don't even have official status here.

GEORGE TAKEI

Also maybe we should take a minute to let Starfleet know what the fuck just happened--

WILLIAM SHATNER

FUCK ALL THAT LET'S FLY OFF BUH-BYE SUCKERRSSSSSS

END